Afraid to take the next step

[Hyena]

I think for me it's the other way round - that the music and way I am will prevent the church from offering me anything.

It's not like I listen or do anything bad - I listen to folk music and dress little hippie-ish.

Yeah, I suppose so. I guess it's just a fear of the unknown. From what I have seen and have heard - I have made judgements. Yet cannot prove or disprove these, because I've made myself doubt.

Haha Trust me... I know sooo how you feel. I'm terrified to the point of physically being ill of moving forward. The adversary sure is working overtime to prevent me from joining. I've been communicating for a while here on this site and with online missionaries but now they want to hand me off to live missionaries and start talking about baptism and I just feel like it's soooo fast. I'm scared because my family hasn't responded positively to it at all, most of my friends think I'm NUTS, and I don't really have a large or complex social network so it'll literally be like me suddenly deciding I was going to up and move to Djibouti or something.

Like you, I do listen to mostly indie/folk music.. and while I'm not tatted, pierced, or overly sensitive to black fly fashion trends, I do tend to "dress down" often (graphic tees and jeans, please). Some of my favorite bands are the Lumineers, my morning jacket, the O's, Wilco, Other Lives, Band of Horses, Andrew Bird, Modest Mouse... stuff like that. But I've found that it hasn't impacted me greatly beyond a slight change that I tend to not listen to music that sounds deliberately insulting to or dismissive of God.

For example, I love the band City and Colour, but he isn't shy at all about his sort of atheist beliefs. He has a song where he talks about how he doesnt need to know how the world basically got here and doesn't want to live under the rules of some God or something to that effect. I just skip that song whenever it pops up on the playlist.

So I'm right where you are, mentally on this. But I'm getting to the point that I realize that I can't change my life if I don't actively ENGAGE in changing it. I have to be big boy (in your case, big girl) enough to step up to the plate, lay it all on the table, and just.. take a leap of faith.

[dahlia]

and just.. take a leap of faith.

When I was trying to decide if I should get baptized, someone on the board here suggested I take a leap of faith, like Indy in 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.'

I'm a big fan of the Indiana Jones movies and I was especially touched by what Indy risked for his father (especially when they hadn't had the best of relationships), so this was very relevant to me.

It is a leap of faith. But it's OK. You can still listen to the music you like, and other than church, you can still wear the clothes you like. I'm frequently surprised when I meet members out at the grocery store because - gee whiz, they look like everyone else, there's no big 'M' on their forehead, the women aren't in burkas, and the the guys actually wear shorts in the summer. It's amazing!

[fatima]

Thank you tremendously for that scripture. It has brought me a tremendous amount of comfort in trying to come to a decision.

I've prayed and fretted and made myself physically ill trying to consider this option over the past weekend. I told the online missionaries I've been communicating with consistently that I would take this entire weekend and truly ponder on what they've taught me and discussed and pray for guidance and give them a decision on Monday about whether I will accept their offer to speak with local missionaries about my baptism. Truly, I've only concluded that I do believe Joseph Smith was a prophet, that there is a living prophet, that the book of Mormon is the truth, and that I want to return to the Celestial heavens and be with our Heavenly Father.

The only thing holding me back at this point is the stupid, cowardly fear. Fear of admonition. Fear of disappointing and angering those around me. Fear of ridicule and humiliation. Fear of being alone. Fear of strangers (I'm a rather shy individual, always have been and I don't socialize often).

I'm in my 30's and I do live with my mother as I continue my college education. I fear that this decision might strain our relationship. I've considered that maybe I should drop out of school, seek a better full time job and move into my own place... and then seek baptism and activity within the Mormon church. But I think of all the things I could be learning and all the good I could be doing in the world in that time frame I'd be wasting.

It is good to know I'm not the only one who has wrestled with these sorts of issues. I've prayed about it and I keep hoping and asking for some sort of sign for which I should do, but no sign has been forthcoming. At least not one I've been able to look at definitively. I guess in the end, God is going to make me make the hard decision on my own. Maybe that's part of his plan for me.

Much prayer do I see in my future. I'm sure Heavenly Father must be sick of hearing from me so much by now..

That which I bolded jumped out at me. One of my daily prayers is the following, perhaps it will help you:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...

From the desire of being extolled ...

From the desire of being honored ...

From the desire of being praised ...

From the desire of being preferred to others...

From the desire of being consulted ...

From the desire of being approved ...

From the fear of being humiliated ...

From the fear of being despised...

From the fear of suffering rebukes ...

From the fear of being calumniated ...

From the fear of being forgotten ...

From the fear of being ridiculed ...

From the fear of being wronged ...

From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...

That, in the opinion of the world,

others may increase and I may decrease ...

That others may be chosen and I set aside ...

That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…