What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.

[kimzirker]

I love that quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it summarizes my thought processes these days. Thinking about divorce is never a fun thing to do. My big question is for those who have gone through it-when did you know it was finally time to let go? I'm terrified at the idea of being a single mom. I've been a stay at home mom my entire 17 1/2 yr marriage. I did just get accepted into nursing school so I'll have a degree with a job in two years. But how do I go to school full time and find a job to work around that schedule (its not a regular schedule) and provide for my 5 children in the meantime? I keep shuffling between sticking it out a few more years until I can be financially independent or getting out now and saving my kids 2 years of having to live with the hell that is their dad. That seems harsh, but it is hell. Everyone avoids him. There's no peace. He's a ticking timebomb at all times. And he's never wrong. (I could go on all day, but hopefully you get the idea) I feel that I've done all I can do. I've tried to get him to therapy (only lasted until the last 3 therapists suggested there might be something wrong with him), encouraged dates, prayers, scriptures, had heart to heart talks, begged, pleaded, encouraged to speak with bishop together.... Spiritual needs vs. temporal needs. Yesterday I decided that it's time. Today I'm going to the temple to pray about it. How I wish my husband would have stayed in therapy, repented, and took this last year as an opportunity to reshape his life. But those aren't my choices. It really hurts though because I truly love him. Now I'm rambling. How did you know that divorce was the right choice? How did you navigate education/children/bills? Any advice or words of encouragement would be most appreciated. :)

[Guest]

A single mom with 2 kids should be eligible for all kinds of financial aid and other help, including daycare. Have you talked to the financial aid office as well as your county welfare office?What about your bishop?

I'm sure this has to be really hard. I would lean toward getting myself and the kids out as soon as possible, but of course prayer is your best way to get a good answer. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. You are very strong for taking the reins and making steps toward a better life for you and your children.

[Forget-Me-Not]

To keep my post from being two long and detracting from your own, I've peared it down to the first and last paragraphs and eliminated the eight, fat, more unpleasant paragraphs inbetween, lol. For me divorce was tough emotionally because it completely changed every single aspect of my life, though I very much wanted and needed the divorce. My situation also had a number of differences from yours, some minor, some major, though some similarities too. I had no children though (thankfully in my situation) but I had been a stay-at-home homemaker most of the 30+ years I was married. Financially it was very hard as I was only working part time. In fact nine months after divorcing and moving out and after I'd barely gone back to work following a major surgery, I lost my job unexpectedly and one week later I lost my affordably priced apartment just as unexpectedly. Without family or friends who could help out or take me in, the result of that was I had nowhere to go and insufficient means to, so had to prevail upon my ex-husband to allow me to rent a room and share my very meager unemployment funds to help pay his bills for my rent.

As serious as some of our issues were for both of us (and we were not in love when we married and that kind of love never developed either) but the deciding factor for me was the consistent pattern of behaviors, deception, and lies that had plagued my entire marriage, which so fully and completely striped away at my trust, that I knew there was no life left in my marriage to revive, if there had ever been any at all. Without trust, there IS no marriage, nor can their be, and I knew I had not another drop of trust left to sqeeze out for my husband. So, I realized something that was dead needed burried. I knew in my heart I could not live like that any longer and that it must end. I'm still suffering with the financial burdens and complications, trying right now to figure out how I'm going to educate myself and start a new life. Because of some health problems I've filed for SSI, hoping that will clear so I can rest and recover from some of those issues sufficiently to be able to pursue some form of education to enable me to do something more suited to my physical needs. Divorce is never nice and easy but sometimes it's the right and needful thing. I'm glad you're going to the temple today. May you have peace for whatever decision is right. Just continue to seek to keep even closer to the Lord, as Satan will certainly use any vulnerability to his advantage and divorce can make one vulnerable in many ways. God Bless!

[Misshalfway]

I can't imagine what you've been through, both in trying to manage the marriage and with agonizing over your decision. I think it does help to talk to others who have been through it, but I don't think we ever get away from the ambiguity of the decision. I mean, we can't see around corners. And we don't always get the clearest of answers from God. In my case, God was clear to leave the question to me. I was like "thanks a lot!" ( I said that in love of course. alright maybe not at first....lol). I really think it's important to trust yourself. Trust what you know. Trust your own ability to assess and decide. There really are no clean answers. So don't be sad when they don't come. It's just part of the deal with earth life.

Best wishes to you. You're needs are known. I wish better days for you and yours.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I can't imagine what you've been through, both in trying to manage the marriage and with agonizing over your decision. I think it does help to talk to others who have been through it, but I don't think we ever get away from the ambiguity of the decision. I mean, we can't see around corners. And we don't always get the clearest of answers from God. In my case, God was clear to leave the question to me. I was like "thanks a lot!" ( I said that in love of course. alright maybe not at first....lol). I really think it's important to trust yourself. Trust what you know. Trust your own ability to assess and decide. There really are no clean answers. So don't be sad when they don't come. It's just part of the deal with earth life.

Best wishes to you. You're needs are known. I wish better days for you and yours.

Darn, I can only click thanks or laugh but not both? The laugh part for me was God was much more clear in the beginning for me. I made the decision, but got nothing but positive confirmation from Him. He's much more clear now, too, that I made the right decision. But in the middle of all the major life struggles and changes I had to go through, plus numerous other unexpected life changing things I was having to deal with, I was like, "What? You knew this was all going to happen anyway, long before I ever did, so why didn't you, at least, so on and so forth, etc.?!?" Anyway, I very much like what you said to her too, to, "trust what you know." In my case that's how I made the decision. I finally realized how much I did know. Just wish I would have recognized it several years before.

[kimzirker]

Your thoughts have me in tears today. I do know what to do. I'm just so scared of actually doing it.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Your thoughts have me in tears today. I do know what to do. I'm just so scared of actually doing it.

Oh I ache for you. I do, because divorce is a course, and there are few shortcuts, especially with children and property. My divorce went fast and was technically quite easy. Less than two weeks from the time we filed the papers our divorce was final, but that was only the paperwork. Life itself with all it's many details and changes is another matter altogether.

One thing I would suggest, no, actually, stress, is to plan well before you act. That was one area I did not tend to as I should have. For one, once I made the decision I felt it was unfair to drag it out, especially since my husband did not want the divorce at first and I did not want to feel that I was taking advantage of him emotionally or financially.

In addition to that there were concerns at first that I might be in danger if I went through with it. Because of my husband's initial reaction to the news, which was quite frightening, everyone, family, friends, bishop, were very afraid for me and thought it needful that I move forward as quickly as possible. So I really pushed myself faster than I should have without making decisions and plans and practical arrangements.

My husband did come around, though, and by time we filed the papers we were both in agreement on everything and filed as joint petitioners and by then considered ourselves friends again. We have probably one of the most amicable divorces of any divorced couples I've known, but it was still very difficult and continues to be. Not between us, but with all the other changes.

But, we're both glad at this point because we've both come to understand that we did not have anything like a marriage should have and both now recognize the rightness of the decision. For most, though, it's nothing anywhere near as easy as it has been for us, if easy is the right word. So, I would say to take care not to try to force yourself to "run faster than you're able" in the scriptural sense of the expression.