Friendship Boundaries in Marriage

[Leah]

So, a question -

When my husband was alive, we were pretty strict about the opposite sex friends thing - or even having males in the house when he wasn't there. For example, if a friend of his stopped by after work and my husband wasn't home yet. No guy was just going to hang out in the house when my husband wasn't there.

Recently, a coworker who is seriously dating someone asked why hadn't I had him over for dinner. I remarked (nicely) that he was seeing someone and I didn't think it would be right for the two of us to be alone. He understood and it wasn't a big deal.

But, this one has confused me a bit. For the past 2 years I've been attending a conference about 4 hours from here. I'll probably go again next year. I usually take the train up, but another co-worker has asked if I wanted to drive up or back with him. The first year I just said no, thanks. The second year I'm at the conference, this guy is getting ready to leave, and I still have to wait around for the train because I said I wouldn't ride with him.

I've met his wife a few times, there is no hanky panky involved, but it sure would be nice to have that ride - especially since the train station is an hour away from my town, which creates problems just getting there and back, and with the ride, I'd end up at my door, not an hour away.

What would you do in such a case? And does it make a difference if it's a 4 hour trip or a 10 minute ride in town? At some point, if you can't get in the car with a man, we might was well start wearing burkas and considering ourselves second class citizens.

When my husband was alive, it was an issue of not creating opportunity for temptation. Now I just need a ride - and there is the issue of being seen as collegial, which is very important in a small department.

But you are single, he is not. What about creating an opportunity for temptation for him? Or are you only concerned about yourself and those whom you were married to?

And I agree, how does a standard that BOTH spouses adhere to make the woman second class?

[dahlia]

I'm thinking 2nd class citizen in terms of restricting a woman's activities, married or not, and whether the man is married or not.

So, would people not take the 4 hour ride with the guy from the department? I live near another co-worker and he sometimes offers a ride as he has a parking space and I do not. What about giving him the opportunity to do service for a poor widow lady? : ) Especially when it is 10 below.

[bytor2112]

I have and do eat lunch often with younger, extremely attractive women....alone. I have and do travel with some of them as well. My wife has on occasion done the same with male co-workers.

If I or my wife were going to be unfaithful...it wouldn't matter if lunch or travel was involved. We trust one another, have the same Eternal desires. Maybe this wouldn't work for everyone, but, if someone wants to be unfaithful, it really isn't difficult to find a willing participant.

[Gramajane]

The church guidelines are a real help here, and totally worth it. I think someone stated it above, never alone with a member of the opposite sex, even the wife should take the girl babysitter home! Also, no texting or facebook friendships that can get out of hand.

There is barely enough time in the day to spend time with our spouses and family, and if you are "relating" to others, it is stealing from your spouse and family. Porn is also stealing their time and also it is WAY worse.

The Prophet has given us guidelines to keep us happy, but we need to continue the courtship of our spouse after marriage- we need to appreciate and praise them, find their love language etc!

[Bini]

I have and do eat lunch often with younger, extremely attractive women....alone. I have and do travel with some of them as well. My wife has on occasion done the same with male co-workers.

Wow.. "Extremely" attractive women? I'm glad I've ALWAYS been the EXTREMELY attractive woman in my husband's life. And vice versa. In fact, in the 4 years that we've been married, I can honestly say that I haven't found myself attracted to anyone else other than him.

Still. I think the point is missed. There are plenty affairs that start with trust between spouses AND good intentions. So the issue IS about having appropriate boundaries between friends and coworkers when one is married. Granted - having lunch with the opposite sex may or may not be an enforced boundary - that's fine. But just because there is one, doesn't indicate that that couple is struggling with marital issues or what have you.

Personally, I choose to be mindful of these situations, and maybe being female there's a difference but I've had friends and coworkers make flirtatious advances at me before when it's been a 1-1 scenario. If my husband isn't with me, or we're not in a group setting - I just don't do it.

[bytor2112]

Wow.. "Extremely" attractive women? I'm glad I've ALWAYS been the EXTREMELY attractive woman in my husband's life. And vice versa. In fact, in the 4 years that we've been married, I can honestly say that I haven't found myself attracted to anyone else other than him.

Still. I think the point is missed. There are plenty affairs that start with trust between spouses AND good intentions. So the issue IS about having appropriate boundaries between friends and coworkers when one is married. Granted - having lunch with the opposite sex may or may not be an enforced boundary - that's fine. But just because there is one, doesn't indicate that that couple is struggling with marital issues or what have you.

Personally, I choose to be mindful of these situations, and maybe being female there's a difference but I've had friends and coworkers make flirtatious advances at me before when it's been a 1-1 scenario. If my husband isn't with me, or we're not in a group setting - I just don't do it.

Yep...extremely attractive...and they are not "in" my life. My wife will always be the fairest in my eyes ..... It's work and I am friends with them....that said, I don't hang out with them after work. My point with the extremely attractive comment is that regardless of how attractive ( maybe pretty would be better?), it's business, I am married and have zero interest in betraying my God and my family.

Edited October 8, 2012 by bytor2112

[Bini]

Sounds better since you edited your post, Bytor.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Having friendships of the opposite sex when you are married has always seemed tricky to me. I don't want to give up having male friends entirely, and yet I do think some boundaries are appropriate.

Bytor said, "if someone wants to be unfaithful, it really isn't difficult to find a willing participant." I don't think that is really what we are discussing here. I don't think most of us or our spouses "want" to have an affair, but the concern for the OP and many of the people who have responded is putting oneself in situations where one could develop romantic feelings for a person who is not one's spouse.

Regarding the OP, I was fine with the situation up to the point that they went to lunch together just the two of them. I would not be comfortable with my husband doing that, and he would likewise not want me to do that. My suggestion to the OP's wife is to go to lunch with a couple co-workers, not just one. My husband has some women co-workers that flirt with him. Particularly when, for a short time, he grew his hair out long as a favor to me...I love long hair on men. Apparently so do a lot of other women, judging by the increase in flirting! He always told me about it. I just laughed. BUT if he had gone to lunch with one of those women, and especially if he didn't think to mention it to me....I would have a real problem with that.

About male friends...this I take on a case by case basis. For example, I had a writing partner that was a man. We would email regularly (several times a week) about our writing, sharing and critiquing. I told my husband about this, and would often say to him, "My writing partner said the funniest thing, here let me read this to you." or "my writing partner said the nicest thing about my writing, let me read this to you." For me this kept the bond with my husband first and foremost. I nurtured my marraige relationship by sharing my friendship. My writing partnership ended (such a shame, he was a big help). But my marraige is strong. :)

[bytor2112]

Sounds better since you edited your post, Bytor.

I didn't think attractive was bad....I was less sure when I first wrote voluptuously hot and sassy.... :)

[Bini]

I didn't think attractive was bad....I was less sure when I first wrote voluptuously hot and sassy.... :)

LOL

Using the word "attractive" to describe another woman may be understandable but EXTREMELY attractive? Wow.

[Vort]

I just love your horrific new avatar, Bini.