Confused and unsure what to do

[Ldsgirl12]

I am new to this forum. I joined in search of help. I grew up Lds and love the church with all my heart. I got married about 18 months ago. We dated on and off for over 7 years. I was almost 30 when we married because I wanted to be married in the temple and was willing to wait for that. Almost immediately after our marriage. I learned to my horror that my husband has no testimony of the gospel. He stopped wearing his garments and stopped going to church. I recently learned that he is actively searching anti Mormon websites and studying their materials. He has some serious doctrinal questions and I feel like he is really searching for truth but going about it the wrong way. I try to talk to him but we end up fighting. I have talked to my bishop and stake president and all they tell me is to give it time and pray for him. I am so sad. We found out we have a baby on the way but this is not the kind of life I envisaged for myself. I go to church by myself and I cry almost every Sunday. He is a good man otherwise and we have a lot of fun together but I am scared of what a life where we never study the scriptures together, where my husband cannot give me blessings will bring. How will we raise our child? I have thought of divorce many times. I don't know what to do. Has anyone being in the same situation? Please help.

[garryw]

I have been in that situation. It's premature (ill advised) to think of divorce. I agree with your bish and sp. As far as raising your child, you know how to do that.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

LDSGirl, I am so sorry for your pain. If I could I would just sit with you for awhile and let you pour out your heart, and your frustrations. We can't do that on a message board though. So here is my advice.

Unfortunately, life seldom turns out the way we had expected. I know that has been my experience. You can read about that in my blog, the link is below. I am well acquainted with pain and disappointment. But I am getting through it and you can get through this too.

I know you are disappointed, but it really is way too early to think about divorce. I agree with your Bishop and Stake President. You said he is a good man and you have fun together...I know it doesn't help to compare (but it does help to remember...) other women have to deal with abusive, or unfaithful husbands.

Focus on the things you love about your husband, keep those things foremost in your mind. Love him unconditionally (well...almost...abuse is not acceptable, infidelity is questionable...but what you mentioned in your post--love him unconditionally.) Letting him know you love him for who he is no matter what will be the best missionary work you can do.

Since he is looking up anti-stuff and may mention it to you and ask for a response, spend some time on FAIR I love that website! Get the book Shaken Faith Syndrome by Michael Ash (he is amazing!). Do NOT use this information to try to sway him, but only to respond if he asks for it. Of course, if you want to leave the book lying around while you are reading it, I think that will be fine.

Men do not like for women to tell them what to do or try to boss them around. Who can blame them? Women don't care for it either. So whatever you do, don't preach, don't nag, don't plead. Accept the wonderful parts of him and focus on that.

Unconditional love, prayer and your example...will be your most powerful tools. The Lord can change your husband's heart if you let him...don't get in the way by making your husband feel your love is conditional. If you feel that your love IS conditional, then pray that the Lord will change your heart too!

Your baby is going to be fine. He or she will have two loving parents...that is a whole lot more than some of us get...trust me on that one!!! I was severely abused as a child, and I am doing ok. Your child will be loved and not abused. That is powerful.

Trust the Lord. Love your husband. You can do this.

Edited November 26, 2012 by LiterateParakeet
typos, grammar and spelling, oh my!

[mdfxdb]

It is unfortunate that you are not happy in your relationship. Is your husband open to counseling? You need to decide if you can be happy for the next 40 - 50 years with a man who does not have a testimony and will not be a worthy priesthood holder in your house. No one can make that decision for you.

Focus on your child, raise him/her properly regardless of your husbands feelings for the church. It is likely your husband never had a testimony, and just went through the motions so he could marry you. Once he had his "prize" he had no reason to maintain. normally people do not change, so you need to decide if you can live with him "as is"

[prisonchaplain]

One suggestion you might offer your husband, if he is open to it, is to read something "objective." If he is toying with the idea that the LDS gospel is not true, or he is considering a more mainstream Christianity, then perhaps he'd be open to a book co-written by an LDS and an Evangelical author. Several years ago one of the frequent posters here recommended this book. I found it fair, accurate, and solid.

How Wide the Divide?: A Mormon & an Evangelical in Conversation: Craig L. Blomberg, Stephen E. Robinson: 9780830819911: Amazon.com: Books

I would think it would be far better for him to research from authors and individuals who are fair-minded, even if critical, rather than from hostile anti-LDS sites. This particular book is better yet, because the two authors are knowledgeable (both are professors), they do not brush differences under the rug, yet they end their conversation as friends.

Edited November 27, 2012 by prisonchaplain

[Gramajane]

So sorry that your husband, in his present condition, should not give you a priesthood blessing (of course) but that does not mean you will be without priesthood blessings, as you should have good home teachers, (be sure and tell them of this situation!! and if they do not come or be helpful, ask for an upgrade :) and hopefully you have priesthood in you own family?) that can give you blessings when you need them.

You may need to read scriptures by yourself (but maybe if he is searching for TRUTH he would be willing?) but you can do the assigned study for Sunday School, and study on your own, as most Moms do anyway. Though some have more kids and so less time ;0.

--- You can do this. I'm so sorry that you have this challenge, but please remember that if you keep the commandments, you WILL get to have all the blessings of the celestial kingdom in the next life (even if it means being sealed to another priesthood holder then?)

In the conference we just had (check the Ensign for the Priesthood talks), one of those was on seeing the people around you as they CAN become and treating them like they are going to get there. Not pushing or shaming or blaming, but forgiving and being as Christlike as you can.

Be sure you teach your child of the great things about their father, and respect all you can respect in him, and your very attitude can help him find the spirit child of Heavenly Father in himself.

Probably your husband is already feeling so guilty if he did act the part to get your heart. My sister at age 30, married a man who wasn't LDS, but she prayed and my mother did too, and felt she should go ahead. After about 5 years he not only joined but has since been a ward mission leader and in a bishopric.

You did your best, and just keep the faith, and trust God to help you with the rest. God bless you all.

[Ldsgirl12]

Thank you

Edited November 28, 2012 by Ldsgirl12

[Mahonri]

I am guessing that he has more problems than just looking at anti-sites. In my experience, MOST of the time there is also some serious sin involved and I wouldn't be surprised if you already are aware of it.

Bishops and Stake Presidents will never tell you to get divorced.

A baby put's a wrench in it.

Is he going to be a good example as a father?

If not, you are still YOUNG (even though you may not feel that way).

Divorce is there for a reason, and I have seen it bring great relief to some people, BUT it should never be taken lightly. You not only made a covenant with him, you made a covenant with God.

Pray about it. Listen to the Holy Spirit.