It's only been one year and I'm ready to call it quits...

[mdfxdb]

I would suggest sitting down with him, and outlining your various responsibilities with the household. Listen to his thoughts and suggestions in terms of what he wouldn't mind doing. After you have established your different responsibilities, DO NOT EVER DO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. If he is in charge of doing the dishes, and the dishes are piled up all over the place, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Gently let him know that he made a commitment to doing the dishes.

QUOTE]

I'm not sure I 100% agree with this advice. Doesn't having dirty dishes also effect the spouse who doesn't do them? Should she have to live that way? How long should she wait before she does them? It doesn't have to be dishes it can be anything. Sure, eventually he may do the dishes, but does that act compensate for a week and a half of living in filth? Where does the line get drawn?

[tumbledquartz]

I would suggest sitting down with him, and outlining your various responsibilities with the household. Listen to his thoughts and suggestions in terms of what he wouldn't mind doing. After you have established your different responsibilities, DO NOT EVER DO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. If he is in charge of doing the dishes, and the dishes are piled up all over the place, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Gently let him know that he made a commitment to doing the dishes.

QUOTE]

I'm not sure I 100% agree with this advice. Doesn't having dirty dishes also effect the spouse who doesn't do them? Should she have to live that way? How long should she wait before she does them? It doesn't have to be dishes it can be anything. Sure, eventually he may do the dishes, but does that act compensate for a week and a half of living in filth? Where does the line get drawn?

I agree. I feel like this would only further alienate the couple and make the wife feel more than ever that she is doing everything and that her husband can't do anything right.

I've been thinking about this thread, and based on my own experiences only (I'm in no way a counselor, just a partner in a less-than-great marriage) my suggestion would be, whenever you are about to start doing a chore and your husband is around, invite him to help you. Then work on being generous and forgiving if he doesn't help, and being grateful if he does, no matter how humble his efforts.

I believe that, over time, he will start to feel appreciated instead of nagged, and he'll want to help out more.

It's just a thought. No matter what method you try, give it some thought and prayer, and be flexible and willing to change it up if what you're trying isn't working. Good luck.

[Guest]

I would suggest sitting down with him, and outlining your various responsibilities with the household. Listen to his thoughts and suggestions in terms of what he wouldn't mind doing. After you have established your different responsibilities, DO NOT EVER DO HIS RESPONSIBILITIES. If he is in charge of doing the dishes, and the dishes are piled up all over the place, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Gently let him know that he made a commitment to doing the dishes.

I'm not sure I 100% agree with this advice. Doesn't having dirty dishes also effect the spouse who doesn't do them? Should she have to live that way? How long should she wait before she does them? It doesn't have to be dishes it can be anything. Sure, eventually he may do the dishes, but does that act compensate for a week and a half of living in filth? Where does the line get drawn?

I agree. I feel like this would only further alienate the couple and make the wife feel more than ever that she is doing everything and that her husband can't do anything right.

I've been thinking about this thread, and based on my own experiences only (I'm in no way a counselor, just a partner in a less-than-great marriage) my suggestion would be, whenever you are about to start doing a chore and your husband is around, invite him to help you. Then work on being generous and forgiving if he doesn't help, and being grateful if he does, no matter how humble his efforts.

I believe that, over time, he will start to feel appreciated instead of nagged, and he'll want to help out more.

It's just a thought. No matter what method you try, give it some thought and prayer, and be flexible and willing to change it up if what you're trying isn't working. Good luck.

SoCal actually gave very good advice here. The problem usually is not that the husband just refuses to do something. That's a rare occurrence and usually it's all about some phobia or psychological effect of the activity that prevents somebody from doing it. For example - there is no way my husband will cook hamburger helper even if his life depended on it. This was brought about by a childhood incident that makes him just absolutely hate hamburger helper.

Usually, a spouse will not do something because of the following: 1.) he doesn't think it's his job to do. 2.) he doesn't know how to do it.

So, the easy fix to that is to sit down and list all the things that have to be done on a regular basis around the house and then both spouses assign that chore to somebody and agree on the chore list. That takes care of #1. Then patiently teaching the spouse how to do it will take care of #2. With those 2 obstacles out of the way, the task becomes the husband's responsibility. And everyday that the dishes are piling in the sink, it is a reminder that something did not get accomplished which, especially for men as they're usually action oriented, is a glaring reminder of some form of failure. Having the wife do it for him will mark the task accomplished so that the man will feel he doesn't have to do it because it is done.

So, how long to let the dishes pile in the sink? As long as it takes for the husband to get the job done. Usually, a good wife will try to determine what is stopping the husband from accomplishing the task and try to work with the husband so that any obstacle he has that stops him from accomplishing the task is worked through. This may include re-balancing the chore list. If the video game console is eating up so much of his time that he can't accomplish the task then another house rule gets to be established - video games is not allowed until all the chores are accomplished or something like that. If the husband can't seem to get off of the video game to accomplish a chore then the problem is some form of addiction and that needs to be dealt with together as well. Cooperation, patience, respect, and love are important elements in getting this to work. Respect is not an after-effect of the accomplished chore. Respect is an ingredient to get the chore accomplished.

Out of all the men I know in my life, not a single one of them will refuse to do work that they agreed is their job. A lot of times, it is only that their idea of a good job differs from a woman's idea of a good job. A husband vacuums the floors satisfied that it is clean, the woman looks at the floors and think it's a pigsty. This gap needs to be bridged - they can either meet in the middle or the husband raises his standards or the wife loosens the standards. Either way, a good marriage comes from the ability of both partners to work together towards a single goal.

Edited April 22, 2013 by anatess

[mdfxdb]

The trick is getting them to work together towards a common goal. Establishing "rules" about video games and such (example) only turns you not only into his wife, but also his mom. You make the rules, you enforce the rules, you enforce the consequences, except the consequence is that the dishes are dirty (insert random/agreed upon task) and you have to live with it just like he does. How is that fair? How does it do anything other than foster resentment towards you as both maker and enforcer of the rules, and heaven forbid you get sick of the dishes, and actually do them because you don't want to die of some weird disease, well then you have just de-manned him by doing his job. He's going to resent you for that as well.

How long should you be the maker and enforcer of the rules? How many mountains should you move so they can "feel" like they can get to the dishes?

[tumbledquartz]

I don't think either of us said he would refuse to do the dishes. But maybe his idea of doing them in a timely manner differs from his wife's idea. Plus, if they are dealing with a real video game addiction, he's not going to do the dishes, not because he's refusing, but because he'll just keep telling himself he'll get to them soon. My husband told me one day recently not to fold the laundry on the couch because he was going to do it. He realizes that he should be helping around the house more, and that was a chore that he noticed needed to be done and it was something he was willing to do. However, a couple weeks later, the clothes were pretty much all gone because people had come and taken their own clothes on an as-needed basis because he never did it. The same thing has happened with cleaning the toilet in our bathroom a few times. I'd rather just do it when I've let it sit for a month than nag him. Every time he sees the disgusting toilet, he knows hes not following through, and when he comes to use the bathroom one day and finds it clean, he's grateful. My husband is an addict, though, so it makes sense that he would put off the chores. He has good intentions, but he doesn't follow through.

Then again, everyone is different and maybe all this guy needs is some clear direction and expectations. I just thought I'd throw my opinion out there in case that isn't all he needs and it doesn't work for him, so the OP will have another viewpoint.

[ElectofGod]

This book MAY help. Not sure. Just skim it and see for yourself.

The title in the link is wrong: Actual title: What Husbands Excect of Wives

HTML

What Husbands Excect of Wives - Brent A. Barlow.zip (126 KB) https://mega.co.nz/#!ZspHhYbZ!aVBUhw8LyD-NlgwE8qo35UBW5WBROiP81iLbm5drQVg

Kindle

What Husbands Excect of Wives - Brent A. Barlow.azw3 (299 KB) https://mega.co.nz/#!0p402bpK!U_oJrh0rwaQUQYqvFpBGVFh73eQCjWbJOXmcaAzMuWQ