Feeling sorry for myself.

[LilyBelle00]

This might turn into a rambling rant and for that, I'm sorry.

I've been a member of the church all my life. I love it and have a testimony. My husband is a convert of over 10 years. I've told everyone here this before but just to brush up a it, we were inactive for almost 10 years and now we are active in our new tiny branch. We became inactive shortly after my husband was baptized. He didn't seem to have a chance to develope much of a testimony and I always felt guilty for that because I felt that, as the long time member, it was my job to keep us active.

Anyway, it doesn't matter now because we are active. My husband who didn't have much of a testimony is now a super member. Seriously. He seems to be one of the most popular people at church. The missionaries always gravitate towards him, probably because he's the youngest active male in our branch. So the missionaries are always asking him to go out with them at least 2, sometimes 3 times a week. Husband is also the Young Men's president so he's gone on Wednesdays nights also. Throw in PEC meetings and leadership meetings and home teaching.... Plus weekend youth trips... I feel like he's rarely home.

Where am I the whole time? At home with our two children. I can never leave this house except to go to work! I work all day and come home to make dinner, clean, and take care of kids. I used to go walking with the dog most nights after dinner....not anymore! There's no time for me because my husband is always gone. The dog and I are both packing on pounds!

Where am I when he's at church talking it up in the hallways and teaching and helping people? Sitting in the nursery room with our daughter, the only active nursery kid. Most Sundays I sit on the floor in the nursery and wonder why I even get dressed up and bother coming. I could watch my daughter play with toys at home in sweatpants. I do try sometimes to give a little lesson but I'm not actually the nursery teacher so I have no manual or anything. The nursery teacher never shows up. Usually we sing a few songs and then she plays while I press my ear up to the wall partition trying to hear the RS lesson.

No one knows me. Last Sunday someone introduced themselves and asked if I was visiting. I've been going to this branch for almost a year so it was kind of embarrassing. Another sister jumped in and told them that I had been there since the branch opened and that I'm usually with my children instead of in RS.

I try to go to the RS activities but I usually don't hear about them or hear about them at the last minute. This month's activity was on a Thursday at 1pm and since I'm a working mother I couldn't go anyway.

Ok, boo hoo, right? I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe jealous of my husband for being so popular and needed in the church while I'm just completely forgotten and left out.

My husband is a great guy. I love him very, very much. He's a great father and I know he loves us. He loves the church as well and feels like he can't say no to anything. I'm sure he enjoys everything he does.

But it's turning me into a negative person. I feel snappy. I feel upset that I have to rush dinner every night (after I get home at 5) and put the kids to bed by myself. I feel like I want to tell him to stop being so involved. That makes me feel like a terrible wife and member of the church. I just don't know how to fix this. Just pray and eventually I'll get used to it???

Like I said, sorry for the long rant. I just have literally no one to talk to about this. Heck, I don't even really have a bishop. Our branch president (who I love and would talk to) is moving and everything is up in the air.

Edited August 15, 2013 by LilyBelle00

[TalkativeIntrovert]

Does your husband see this as an issue?

Your exact scenario almost tore our family apart many years ago. My husband was Elders Quorum President. It impacted every part of our lives, his work suffered, he ended up in hospital which I believe was a lot to do with stress from both his job and his calling and the pressure from me to spend time with the family. Though he did choose to play golf on Saturdays as well, which I considered to be beyond selfish!

I ended up saying that he had to work out what his priorities are - church, family, work, self. He needed to put them in order and them act on then, they weren't something you just say, they are something you must do.

He asked to be released from his calling. He wasn't released a week when he was called into another calling, which he refused and we became inactive as we felt we weren't being heard or supported through a really tough patch, they were actually making things worse for us.

My husband has remained inactive and cannot be encouraged back. He has even said that part of the reason is he can't handle another bad experience like that. He has told the visiting teachers and members of the bishopric about it, they say they understand but he still wont return.

It is really important that you discuss all this with your husband, let him know the impact on you and your family. I don't want to see you end up where we did.

[Praetorian_Brow]

Did you submit this rant to your husband? Is he aware of how you feel?

Organizations will bleed people dry, even the church and people within the church seem to have an idea that saying no to any requests from church members or the organization is some kind of God rejection. All things in moderation, even church. Its not surprising to see the Bishops family go wild and relationships become strained. My father was a bishop and it happened to us and it will happen again.

As for the second poster, everyone needs me time and his golf was probably his only opportunity to seek some peace, but you guilt tripped him out of it, or so that appears which contributed to his stress.

Callings within the church require the support of both spouses.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Praetorian_Brow

[TalkativeIntrovert]

Perhaps it was a guilt trip, though he still played at the expense of the family (3 children under 5yrs old, wife working full time, no extended family support).

If he felt guilt, it was because he knew I wasn't coping yet he choose to take the only "free" day to himself and play golf, and he knew that was wrong.

Though it seems in the case of the OP that neither of them are getting "me" time, they are having very little family time and LillyBelle feels that her husband is out enjoying himself in his calling.

[LilyBelle00]

Yes, my husband feels bad that we aren't having much family time and that the kids are crying every night when he leaves us. He understands that I'm having some problems and that I'm unhappy that I'm getting absolutely no time to myself.

....that doesn't stop him from playing basketball with friends on Saturday mornings or occasionally hanging out with some old band members on nights he has off. He does try to help a little by making everything that he can after 8pm so that the kids are going to bed. So I get to sit on the couch by myself. I think he figures that that's my me time.

I've said some stuff to him about it but I always stop myself because I feel so awful and that I'm being selfish. I don't want him to have to stop having time to himself and I especially don't want him to quit helping in the church. Those 10 years that we were inactive I wished and prayed that we'd come back to the church and that he'd gain a testimony and be a strong member. Now that he is, I'm complaining.

I absolutely don't want him to fall away from the church. I would like if he got asked to do less and had more time for me and the family but I hate the thought of him actually having to start telling people no. I guess it's probably just something that has to be done....

[TalkativeIntrovert]

He feels bad about not having family time and having the kids cry - but not bad enough to change things.

He understands that you're unhappy and get no time to yourself - but does nothing to help you.

He continues to play basketball and hang with the band.

If your sister or best friend told you these things - what would you say to them?

You are not being selfish by wanting a family life. That is the goal of the church - an eternal family.

Here's what worked for us. I said I may as well be single as I am already doing it all on my own. If that is the case, I will plan my life as if I am single. Every 2nd week will be mine with the kids, every other week will be his. We are both working equal hours so everything will be shared equally.

The first weekend I left him at home with the children and went to visit my mum and sister. The next weekend I had I stayed home but went for walks along the beach, to the park and to the art gallery. On my weekends with the kids I took them out on picnics/beach/walks as well and of course my husband was invited if he chose to come along - and he did.

The difference it made was phenomenal! We stopped the week on/off thing fairly quickly as it was unnecessary.

Think about how you feel now, and how you will feel in 5 years time if nothing has changed. If that thought makes you unhappy, you need to make changes now.

[Dark_Jedi]

Your feelings are legit - don't dismiss them as a guilt trip or wallowing in self pity. Sometimes we need to have times like these to make changes in our lives - when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You're going to get a new branch president. Make an appointment with him soon. Most people don't recognize that YM president is truly the busiest calling in the church - he has more mandatory meetings and activities than the bishop, it is very time consuming and especially difficult on families with young children. I'm not advocating that you ask for his release, on the contrary, I'm advocating that you ask for a calling yourself (you don't indicate that you have one). Explain to the BP that you feel as though you don't know people, etc., that there does need to be a nursery leader who comes, all that you've said here. Good luck!

[Dravin]

He feels bad about not having family time and having the kids cry - but not bad enough to change things.

He understands that you're unhappy and get no time to yourself - but does nothing to help you.

That's not true:

He does try to help a little by making everything that he can after 8pm so that the kids are going to bed. So I get to sit on the couch by myself. I think he figures that that's my me time.

It may not be enough but he does seem to be making an effort to give her down time and to minimize the time away from the kids (if they are going to bed it isn't like they will be playing a game of Monopoly with him).

He continues to play basketball and hang with the band.

Some me time is completely reasonable, certainly the basketball on Saturday mornings sounds reasonable (though being gone 6am-8am is different than being gone 6am - noon). How reasonable the band time is depends on just what occasional means particularly in the context of his days off. Sounds to me like the issue, as it pertains to me time, is not so much that he's taking an inordinate amount of me time but that she's not getting me time in a usable form. Little blocks of time when the kids are in bed can't be used the same way as a larger block where one can leave the house even if the total time adds up to be the same.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Dravin

[Dravin]

Ok, boo hoo, right? I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe jealous of my husband for being so popular and needed in the church while I'm just completely forgotten and left out.

Actually it sounds to me like there are legitimate issues concerning a lack of me time for yourself. There may also be issues with the amount of time spend together as a cohesive family unit but you haven't elaborated on that as much so I'll focus on the me time issue.

You need me time for the purpose of mental health. Think of a car that never gets the oil changed. Without that oil change it will run down and seize up, it may take a while but it'll happen. Simply taking the time, which is very little in the scheme of the working life of a car, to change the oil keeps things running smoothly. You husband most likely groks this, that's why he makes sure to get in me time and is making an effort to give you me time (even if it isn't effective), because with zero me time it is extremely hard to keep running particularly if the demands are relatively high (which it is for both of you). So I say there are legitimate issues that need to be worked out as a family.

Now the difficult thing will be having an effective conversation particularly while emotions are high, which they seem to be right now. I think something that might help, now keep in mind I'm a guy and I tend to be a more thinky rather than feely person so this may be more effective for me than you, is to sit down and:

• Identify the problem.
• Identify potential solutions to the problem (not the solution).
• Then have a conversation and try to have that conversation without deciding upon what must happen without your husband's input first. Because if you've already decided, X must be solved by doing Y then you husband doesn't get an opportunity to help contribute. He may think of Z that works either equally well or better. On the other hand Y may be the way to go but it'll work better if he can recognize that based on it's merits rather than because it is the only way he can appease you.

Prayer is of course, as always, a good idea. Concerning family time, if the children are old enough (which isn't very old, as long as they can articulate their feelings), I would suggest getting them involved. It may be a bit idealistic of me but it sounds like the perfect topic for some family home evenings. To identify what everyone feels is needed family time wise and to seek solutions together to accomplish that need. It won't necessarily take place in one shot, I'd probably divide it similarly to the below:

• FHE to identify the problem.
• FHE to come up with solutions.
• FHE to decide as a family on a solution or solutions.

With of course the idea to pray and ponder on the issue between the family home evenings. Even if as the mother and father you do most of the heavy lifting I feel it is worthwhile to involve the children if you can. Just make sure it doesn't turn into a "Let's bash Daddy!" session. Particularly on your end.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Dravin

[LilyBelle00]

Yes, Dravin, I think that's mostly it. After the kids are in bed I'm usually feeling exhausted from my day plus there's always house work that needs to be done. It definitely doesn't feel like me time.

To be fair to my husband, I have not actually sat down with him and had a good talk about this. I've said little things here and there to him about it and I've said that I'd like some time, but I haven't let him know how serious it is. I know that if I did, he would try to fix it. I guess I came here first because I was worried that I was a bad person for wishing that he wasn't so involved in the church or with the missionaries.

I don't want to tell him that he can't have his me time so that I can have my me time. I feel like that would just put him in the same spot that I'm in. If I took away all his "fun" time then he'd probably start resenting the church time and I really don't want that.

I have a calling in Primary. I was the secretary and just last Sunday I was called to be the 1st counselor. The secretary position really wasn't anything because our primary is so small and not very well organized. I only sat in the back (holding my daughter because there's no one in nursery) and took attendance. I'm hoping that the 1st counselor position will be better and more interactive.

My husband is a really great husband and father. When he's home he's very helpful with the kids and the house work. He's the one who gets the kids ready for church every Sunday. Last night he had YM and then after that he had a PEC meeting so he didn't get home until late. He felt bad because he was hoping he'd be done and home in time for me to be able to take the dog out for a walk. He brought me some some little snacks and goodies. He's a very sweet husband.

I do just need to talk to him about this. Gently tell him that it's ok to say no to the missionaries sometimes.

Edited August 15, 2013 by LilyBelle00

[mnn727]

Your husband needs to ease off on the Church activities.

From a Conference talk given by President James E Faust (Oct 1997 conference)

Many years ago when I was a bishop, a conscientious father came to me for counsel. He felt that the many and frequent activities of the Church made it difficult to have as much family togetherness as he and his wife deemed necessary. The children had the idea that they were not loyal to the Church if they did not participate fully in every recreational activity. I told this caring father that Church activities were to help him and his wife rear their children. They as parents had not only the right but the duty to determine the extent of their family’s involvement in social activities. Family unity, solidarity, and harmony should be preserved. After all, a family is the basic, permanent unit of the Church.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/10/the-weightier-matters-of-the-law-judgment-mercy-and-faith?lang=eng

[Dravin]

Yes, Dravin, I think that's mostly it. After the kids are in bed I'm usually feeling exhausted from my day plus there's always house work that needs to be done. It definitely doesn't feel like me time.

Okay, one of the things that may need to happen is you may need to learn to take me time (this isn't a statement that you now posses it, thus the may). I understand this can be particularly hard for mothers, but there will always be housework to be done. Work is in endless supply and sometimes you need to learn to put it on the back burner while you replenish yourself. Even if your husband made sure you got 4 hours of uninterrupted me time every Tuesday (or whatever you and he come to conclude is a needful amount) you'll find that there will still be housework to be done. This will be true even if he's doing his best to help with the housework.

Oh, one final comment that occurred to me. When you, as husband, wife, and family, are coming to a decision about changes that need to be made make sure you include time together, just the two of you. Children make this difficult of course, but it is important.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Dravin

[LilyBelle00]

I get those Daily Message quotes to my email at work and this is the one that I just received a couple of minutes ago:

"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is to see a husband and his wife and their children happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood. Husbands and wives should understand that their first calling—from which they will never be released—is to one another and then to their children."

—Boyd K. Packer

Coincidence??? lol. :)

[jellyfish]

I was just reading all these posts, and I was wondering--is there a happy end to the story? Did things work out? Please say they did...