Very confused and lost.

[aclaire11]

Hey, all. This will be really hard for me to write, but I really need help.

I became a member of this board a long time ago while I was converting back in 2007 or 2008. I converted while studying abroad. I never told my parents, as they're extremely controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive. I did try to lead towards telling them, but they are very prejudiced against the Church. It helped that I went to a boarding school, so I was free to do what I thought best for my spiritual health.

The next year, a boy at my boarding school starting following me around and basically stalking me. Hoping it would get him off my back, I told him I couldn't date any nonmembers because it was against my religion. He converted. Because of this, he was following me to new member lessons, Church (we had the same ride), Wednesday activities, etc. He guilted me into dating him by saying if I didn't, I would have misled him and he would leave and become an apostate and it would all be my fault. I was 18 and stupid and agreed, because it was late winter and I was a senior and figured I could suffer through it for a few months. I was so isolated because I was too scared to tell anyone what was happening. It was awful, the most unhealthy relationship possible, and I cried almost every day. I was a mess. Then, one morning before going to church, he raped me.

A few weeks later, during a school vacation, when I came out of deep shock and realized what had happened, I broke things off. I stopped going to church because I couldn't handle being there with him. The therapist I ended up seeing for a few years listened to my story and told me that this boy had cruelly manipulated me. I still have problems accepting that. Everyone in the ward assumed I was just weak and hadn't really had a testimony. People even said I had only converted because I liked a LDS boy around that time, even though that was afterwards. This made me feel even worse.

I went abroad the summer after graduation and started going back to church. I went on a temple trip for the first time and loved it. At college, I was a lot more open about my faith. I went to a Catholic university but everyone was so accepting. There were a few members at the school, and everyone was very nice. However, I was suffering from PTSD and severe depression (I later found out), and all the trauma caused me to have a major crisis of faith which, I'm ashamed to say, I did not overcome. It didn't help that at the ward, a severely mentally challenged boy was constantly harassing me and no one tried to help.

I ended up becoming an atheist for a few years, after returning to my former faith of Catholicism for a while. During this phase I met my fiance, whom I will be marrying in two months. He's perfect for me and I know we are meant to be together, so please don't comment telling me to leave him. Recently we started going to an Eastern Orthodox church together, which I've liked. He is an agnostic, but has said he will go to church wherever I like but won't convert.

We've both relocated (separately) to where his new job is, and there's a 3-ward building right down the road from me. I've seen the missionaries bike/walk by at least four times. I'm feeling so many conflicting emotions of fear and longing and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the church is true, especially after everything I've read, but I do know I wish it were true. I do know that my fiance would be very unhappy if I started going to the LDS church, because he thinks it's fake. And all of our parents would be very angry.

Is there any way to meet with people and keep it quiet until I decide what to do? I never finished my new member lessons. And I want the text of my patriarchal blessing, no matter what I decide. I just feel like I'm in an impossible situation, and I can't discern where God wants me to go. Maybe I'm just lonely in a new place and miss the community. Also, just any general advice would be amazing.

[OldPort]

Aclaire11, I really feel for you. What a tough thing to have to go through. There are some things that seem unfair in life, and some things that really are unfair. Here are a few thoughts:

The love you felt at the temple is the love of God. It is real. It can heal you and everyone else if they have faith, repent, and keep the commandments of God. You can have that healing power in your life again.

You mention your fiance and parents being mad at you for attending the church you know is true. I know from personal experience that this can be especially challenging, but that if you have faith and ask God for help and do what you should you and they will be blessed. Do not judge yourself by what you think you know about your own potential. Trust in the Lord and what He can do with a dedicated heart and willing mind.

Do not be too concerned about making giant changes and steps in your life. Start with small and simple things and do them on a consistent basis. Have meaningful prayers. Study your scriptures. Serve and help others. Attend church. By doing these things consistently you will have the spirit in your life to guide you.

I know that visiting a the Bishop can get you on the right path with your problems. Visiting him would be one of the best things you can do.

Also, Elder Richard G. Scott has a wonderful book called Finding Peace Happiness, and Joy that has some wonderful chapters in it dealing with abuse. These teachings have been a great help to people in my life. One of his talks dealing with this can be found here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/to-heal-the-shattering-consequences-of-abuse

Feel free to send a PM or keep the conversation going if there is anything we can do for you.

[aclaire11]

OldPort, thank you for your kind reply. I will do my best to follow your advice.

Just to clarify, only our parents would be angry. My fiancé has said that he believes in the LDS church less than in other churches, but he would not be angry or disrespectful if I chose to attend.

I definitely felt love in the Temple. However, I have felt that same feeling in other churches, as well. Curiously enough, I did only start to feel it after my baptism.

[Gretchen]

What that boy did to you was not your fault. You are NOT weak. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, send them to me, I'll deal with them.

As for what you should do about the Church, I would learn as much as possible about all the churches, figure out how you felt about each one, and then pray for strength to do what is best.

This is going to sound awkward, but you are You. You are not your parent's Barbie doll. They should not be trying to control you now. It might be best to say to them, "mom, dad, I'm a big girl now, it is time for me to live my life."

Hugs. Best wishes. You are not alone

[Zeitgeist]

aclaire11, my heart broke when I read your story. Nobody should have to go through what you have endured. But how wonderful that you are persistent about asking the right questions about how to move forward. I think that's a very positive sign.

I have found that my biggest blunder in life was making quick decisions about something that seemed pressing at the time but that could have waited several months or a year or more. Maybe you can make a list of all the decisions you feel you need to make, and then decide which ones really need your immediate attention and which ones can be postponed. I would guess that many of them can wait a few weeks or months, and that might give you some breathing room to focus on the decisions that need attention right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let the dust settle and decide not to decide anything until you feel competent to make long-term, permanent decisions, such as who to marry or what church to join.

As for your testimony, let me share my own experience. I think many testimonies grow from the inside out, not from the outside in. If you stand outside the Church looking in and demanding scientific proof about all of its claims, you can easily spend your entire life on the outside scratching your head and wondering if it's true and doubting a lot of what the Church says. But if you step into the Church with a true openness to God and actually live the Gospel instead of studying it medically like a cadaver, you will feel a certainty that service to your fellow beings is service to your God, that the friendship of the Spirit is real, and that aligning your life to Heavenly Father's law of love and forgiveness (as expressed in the Atonement) will bring you the greatest happiness on Earth and prepare you for greater things to come.

I would urge you to talk to your bishop, to pray, and not to make any quick decisions. Best wishes.

[tubaloth]

First I suggest you start reading the Book of Mormon. Read as much as you can here and there. If you don't still have your copy of the Book of Mormon, I assume you have a smartphone? (because pretty much everybody does). You can actually download the Book of Mormon onto your phone or tablet.

Second, you start to say your prayers (which I assume to some degree has already happen).

Third, I suggest you read or listen or watch General Conference.

When I read most of what you said, this talked came to my mind which is from April, but I think its a start. I do suggest you watch it (you can still put earphones in so nobody hears you).

Lord, I Believe - general-conference

Fourth, remember what the Holy Ghost feels like. Remember there is a spirit that told you this church was true. We talk about the spirit speaks to us, but its more of a feeling. Once you feel it (again) you know this isn't made up.

Good Luck.

Edited October 24, 2013 by tubaloth

[aclaire11]

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice. All the links to talks have been very helpful. Although there are some doctrines I'm not fully comfortable with, I think I'm going to try reactivating (do people say that?) and see how that goes. Hopefully my fiance won't be too upset, since this will be coming out of left field for him.

[aclaire11]

Do you guys think it would be worth it to reach out to people from that ward and explain what happens and why I left? I just hate that they think I just fell away randomly.

[Lakumi]

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice. All the links to talks have been very helpful. Although there are some doctrines I'm not fully comfortable with, I think I'm going to try reactivating (do people say that?) and see how that goes. Hopefully my fiance won't be too upset, since this will be coming out of left field for him.

I had the same thought, mind you I never took the plunge and fell away for some rather greedy reasons (and depression)

Someone once told me that I would never find a religion I would agree with 100% (I don't know if he meant me or people in general), and I think that holds true not just for me, but for many people. Though I also think it can change a situation depending on what you disagree with.

I hope they didn't remove that pipe, I lock my bike to that

[tubaloth]

Do you guys think it would be worth it to reach out to people from that ward and explain what happens and why I left? I just hate that they think I just fell away randomly.

You can if you want to, but you don't really need to go around explaining why left. Honestly not many people really need to know, only that you are coming back.

I don't know if your ward has a Gospel Principles class, but thats a good place to start and they always like it when people ask questions or what things clarified. At least get a manual.

[Wingnut]

aclaire11, I thought of two other talks that haven't yet been recommended. The first is from the most recent General Conference, just a few weeks ago: Come, Join with Us. President Uchtdorf talks about seeking truth, and how sometimes people search for it outside of our faith, and that's okay. He talks about how all are welcome, no matter their trials or history.

The other talk is this: Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence - Ensign Mar. 2000. It is a very popular talk, and with good reason. Elder Holland delivers a powerful message that speaks directly to a person's heart. I hope that it will speak to yours, at the very least in a comforting manner.

To request a copy of your patriarchal blessing, read here: Patriarchal Blessing Requests