Death

[shanstress70]

SF, glad your FIL is doing better.

Back to Aphrodite, whom I haven't seen in a while... how is your FIL and husband doing? Sorry you didn't get much advice here, but that's a tough subject. Sounds like this is something your husband has to deal with on his own and I'm not sure there's anything you can do except be there for him and show him much love... sounds like you already do that anyway!

Take care.

[malariewhiting]

I had a conversation with my husband the other day that has really got me thinking.

My father in law is terminally ill with a long term disease that i cant remember the name of. Its a bit like M.S, basically his organs are shutting down one by one, he is on home o2 and cant walk and has nurses at home, all that kind of stuff. He has been like this for ten years and gets worse every year. I dont know how long he's got left, maybe a couple of years, maybe more maybe less. Its hard to judge. However, there are some complicating factors to this situation. My father in law is a bully. He treats his wife really badly, is never grateful for all she does (she's his carer and does everything). He is not interested in my husband or his life and will periodically call him in to his bedroom to have a go at him about some random thing that happened weeks ago or just because he feels like it. We're talkin effing and blinding and all that kind of stuff.

My husband has only recently felt able to fully tell me that when he and his eldest sister were younger, his Dad used to beat them. He still bears the emotional scars today and so does his sister, big time. He broke a door as a 6 year old child, and his Dad locked him in a room and beat the crap out of him, hitting him around the head and kicking him. Disgusting. Anyway, when my husband was about 12 thats when he started to get ill. My husband is now 27.

So, as you can imagine my husband has a very difficult relationship with his Dad. His nan died recently (His Dad's Mum) and he said Dad will be next I suppose. He started talking about what will happen when he dies. He said, Ive never had a Dad, emotionally or physically, but he is my Dad and I know I'll be devastated when he goes as I wont have had a chance to tell him all the things I want to tell him as my Father, but can't because of what he's done to me. He said, I havent had a Dad in the real sense, I might as well not have one now for all he cares about me.

This conversation just broke my heart and I wanted to comfort my husband. I want to know how to comfort him when his Dad dies, it wont be like normal grief because of these complications. I dont know how to support my husband in this difficult situation now, and when his Dad dies. He finds it hard to have a relationship with my Dad because basically he doesnt know how. He clams up and doesnt know what to say or do, yet he raves about my Dad. This makes it harder, because I am very close to my Dad, and feel luckier than most with the type of Father and relationship I have. I think it just hits home even more to my husband what he has not had.

What can I do to support my husband? I always reaffirm my love for him and tell him I'm always here no matter what, and what a great Father he'll make to our children. But that isn't enough to compensate for the loss of a real father son relationship. Also, when he dies. Does anyone have any thoughts on this difficult issue?

I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a terrible thing as a family. My father went through something very similar (and he has been an extraordinary father because of it). His dad passed away about 11 years ago now, and it's just been recently that he's been able to talk about the things his father used to do to him. He was abused also. My husband's father is dieing so I asked my dad what I could to do help my husband and he told me that all I can do is be there for him, and then he broke down in tears. He explained that his biggest regret is not telling his dad everything that he wanted to say before he died. He didn't get to explain the love he had for him despite the pain he caused, and he didn't get to build that father son relationship. He told me that is his biggest regret in life thus far.

All in all, I think your husband will just need you to be very supportive of whatever he decides to do. And, good luck with everything.

[Aphrodite]

thanku malarie. Its nice to know people are going through the same things as you. I will perhaps tell my husband to tel his Dad what he needs to beofre he dies. I couldnt bear it if he went through life regretting not talking to him. Thank you for your concern and good advice xxxx