Busy Busy Busy!

[mobius4niner]

My wife’s family is very devout LDS. It was because of her good qualities and compassionate heartedness that I fell in love with her. I converted to the LDS faith three years ago but her insistence on doing church activities is becoming a chore rather than a blessing. Sometimes I feel she puts too much emphasis on church and church related activities- that I never have time to do anything else- it drives me insane.

This past weekend for instance- I scheduled a day off from work Friday to accompany my wife on a temple trip. The temple is 3hrs away and I spent between 6:00am to 3:00pm there. Then there was a relief society party planned at my house the same day from 4:00pm to 10:00pm. We rushed home and I was asked to provide rides for all the women who didn’t drive or have cars.

Saturday was my wife’s friend’s baptism in a location also 3hrs away and I didn’t get home until midnight. I woke up Sunday morning at 5:00am to make a 6:00am bishopric meeting and I am at the church building until 3:00pm. Then home teaching from 4:00pm to 6:00pm. My wife goes to stake choir from 6:00pm to 9:00pm and finally I’m so exhausted by the end of the day that I fell asleep without having accomplished any of the necessities like eating lunch or dinner- paying bills, cleaning dishes, or even going to the bathroom.

I feel the church is micro managing my life to a point where I have no life outside of church. It’s given me a very disgruntled attitude about the church. How can I feel the spirit and love my spouse if I never see her? How can I give freely of my time and possessions if I am expected to be at all these meetings? It’s not enjoyable.

We got into an argument about it last week. I told her I am stressed and I am tired of doing nothing but church activities. I’m angry about not having time to enjoy being together.

My parents called me (they are not members) and were upset that I haven’t spoken with them in weeks. I am usually curt with them on the phone because I’m in a meeting or driving somewhere for a church activity. My dad cussed me out and told me to get a grip on myself and realize life is more than just church. It’s about having a fun time, learning new things, and enjoy being together. My mom and dad asked if our church is so centered on family, why were my wife and I so exhausted serving all the time. We don’t even have kids. It really opened my perspective on things

Does anyone else have a hectic calling or feel burdened by all the things the church expects us to do?

[skippy740]

I'm going to ask you a couple of questions:

1. The temple trip: Was this just a trip with you and your wife? If so, perhaps it wasn't planned well in context with the rest of the weekend (RS party and giving rides, and the following day's baptism and Sunday's meetings). Temple attendance is important, but so is your energy for what your priorities are.

Did you HAVE to attend the RS party?

2. The baptism was an event that you volunteered to attend and it should be a time of happiness and congratulations for the one who entered into the fold.

For this one, people don't get baptized all the time, so I submit to you that this was a worthwhile use of time, even with the extensive travel.

3. Being at the Church building from 6am - 3pm... then home teaching from 4pm til 6pm... is a schedule of insanity.

I don't know your calling, but I'm going to assume that you're a President of a quorum or auxiliary. If that's the case, you need to delegate more to your counselors. Let them go in your place. You can't do it all, and you're not expected to. If you can't count on them, then you may need to call new ones.

If you ARE one of the counselors, then hopefully this particular weekend was an abnormality, rather than the norm.

While I applaud getting home teaching done by the middle of the month... what's the worst that could've happened if you postponed it for a week? Or even if you skipped it for this month? You've GOT to have a balanced life for yourself, in order to be of effective service to others.

When planning, I recommend planning for energy, not just time. Don't think that just because there's a blank space on your calendar, that it's available for something else outside of the family.

My favorite time management technique is a single word: no. You need to KNOW your limits, and say NO when they are reached.

I know there are General Conference talks about the warnings of being over-scheduled that you don't spend enough time with family. It's all about prioritizing what's important and keeping a good, healthy balance. Delegate what you can.

[Roseslipper]

our church is a life style but I totally agree with skippy. We need to try to balance our life. We do need family time, alone time with our spouse, actually you should date your wife onces a week friday date night, monday night family home evening you dont have to have children 2 have family home evening you & your spouce are a family its a good time to talk 2 each other about your goals, wants etc.., bond with each other, read scriptures go bowling or what ever you like, you can also invite friends over. You also need your alone time & she needs hers. Some of my suggestions.

[mobius4niner]

Thanks for the responses. The temple trip was a ward event- my wife and I are on sealing teams and we also attended a session the same day. I don’t want to be complaining but too much is too much. I feel like the church has taken over every aspect of my life to a point I cannot enjoy it. I work all day and work all evening.

To address comments above, I will honestly admit I am very poor at delegating. Delegating tasks was not the way I was raised or taught. I take it upon myself to assume responsibility for all actions, even those I assign. So regardless if I delegate or not, I still feel the same if the work is not done. I simply cannot say “so and so is still working on it”. I’m not sure how active other wards are, but phone calls to subordinates always go unanswered or unaccomplished.

I don’t know why I’ve been called to serve in leadership positions if I can’t even manage my own time. I know the Lord knows my abilities but how far must go before I collapse from exhaustion?

So far my following the plan of happiness has me in misery. My wife became ill this week, probably because of the stresses associated with all the traveling and commitments we’ve made. I cannot do it. So we stayed home this Sunday to take a break and just rest. We went for a walk and watched old Disney cartoons together. And already I’ve received phone calls and emails asking why we didn’t attend church…on ONE Sunday.

This consistent in- my - business - culture is making me disgruntled. Can anyone just leave me alone?

[skippy740]

To address comments above, I will honestly admit I am very poor at delegating. Delegating tasks was not the way I was raised or taught. I take it upon myself to assume responsibility for all actions, even those I assign. So regardless if I delegate or not, I still feel the same if the work is not done. I simply cannot say “so and so is still working on it”. I’m not sure how active other wards are, but phone calls to subordinates always go unanswered or unaccomplished.

This means that your own mentality has created the problem you're now in.

I don’t know why I’ve been called to serve in leadership positions if I can’t even manage my own time. I know the Lord knows my abilities but how far must go before I collapse from exhaustion?

You need the growth and the help to grow in leadership. Leadership is not a position, but a mindset.

So far my following the plan of happiness has me in misery. My wife became ill this week, probably because of the stresses associated with all the traveling and commitments we’ve made. I cannot do it. So we stayed home this Sunday to take a break and just rest. We went for a walk and watched old Disney cartoons together. And already I’ve received phone calls and emails asking why we didn’t attend church…on ONE Sunday.

Your methods have made yourself "indispensable". More delegation will encourage growth of those you work with. You need to TRUST them to do it, and let them "Return and Report".

I recommend reading this book for some additional perspective on "the plan of happiness has me in misery". You'll find some aspects DIRECTLY applicable for how you're feeling: Amazon.com: Believing Christ eBook: Stephen E. Robinson: Kindle Store

This consistent in- my - business - culture is making me disgruntled. Can anyone just leave me alone?

My personal recommendation is to read the book: Amazon.com: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (25th Anniversary Edition) eBook: Stephen R. Covey: Kindle Store

It's not a 'quick fix' by any means, but the lessons the book contains may help you greatly. And yes, Dr. Stephen R. Covey is LDS.

Edited March 17, 2014 by skippy740

[mobius4niner]

No doubt my mentality has brought about this dilemma. I wholeheartedly agree. I am not a leader type of person; I don’t have such desires of grandeur. Maybe others want to aim for this goal. I don’t. Regardless, I’m called to serve leadership positions anyway. But it takes its toll on me because I am expected to be someone I am not.

I am just a lowly person who does the best he can with what he has.

[skippy740]

Absolutely. I simply offer the resources that have changed the way that I approach different decisions and priorities in my life.

I've found that the best leaders are those who are humble about it. But they also find a way to build effectiveness in themselves and others. They communicate a vision and ask for their sustaining vote and effort to carry it forward.

I hope we can be of help for you.

[SpiritDragon]

For the record you are not alone.

The Lord does require a lot from his disciples, although little compared to what he offers. Even so sometimes it just feels like too much.

Often it does come down to saying no, but it isn't easy when you feel like you're essentially saying no to the Lord.

I know for me serving in the elders quorum presidency is a lot of work. I have been surprised by how much, because it's not my first time at it and it was never like this before. I have also been to the point that I just want to hide out and avoid church and just get away from it all. I hate it when I get home from work at 6:30 only to turn around and go out to meetings or on visits without getting a chance to eat and don't get home again until 10:00.

[dahlia]

My wife became ill this week, probably because of the stresses associated with all the traveling and commitments we’ve made. I cannot do it. So we stayed home this Sunday to take a break and just rest. We went for a walk and watched old Disney cartoons together. And already I’ve received phone calls and emails asking why we didn’t attend church…on ONE Sunday.

This consistent in- my - business - culture is making me disgruntled. Can anyone just leave me alone?

I am no where near as busy as you, but I feel your pain. I have had various people call me when I've missed church. Dudes - if I'm really sick or have a problem, I know how to reach you. You don't need to seek me out.

Most of my social life is taken up by church activities. That's OK with me, because my tolerance for other people is low; the church activities are enough to keep my social tank filled, as it were. That said, I never know when one more activity will take me over the edge. You do have to know when to say 'no.'

I will take a Sunday off when I need to without feeling guilty. We have a ward temple trip (will take most of the day), some big deal women's dinner/conference thing for 3 hours, and they're asking for people to participate in a service opportunity miles away from here earlier in the day. And of course, you gotta go to 3 hours of church the next day. Nope, not gonna do it. It's too much.

If you dislike or aren't used to delegating, you probably need to get used to it or you will burn yourself out. You won't want to do anything - and then how short a trip is it from that to being completely inactive?

[Guest]

It's actually a good thing that somebody calls you if they don't see you in Church. It means somebody is thinking of you. This is how that family who had 2 kids in the mission field got found dead in their home from carbon monoxide poisoning. If nobody cared that they didn't show up for Church that Sunday, their bodies would be rotting before somebody notices they're dead.

Everybody has given good advice on the situation. The Church is not making you busy busy busy. You're making yourself busy busy busy.

The important things to take away:

1.) Prioritize your activities - you don't have to go to every Church function/activity.

2.) Give others opportunities to serve by delegating tasks and trusting them to get it done.

And remember: Your Priesthood duty for your family (that is, your marriage - since you don't have kids yet) is your Primary Calling. A major part of that Priesthood duty is to care for and express your love for your spouse. That calling trumps your Church calling.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Mobius, it's all about boundaries. And as the others stated, YOU need to set your own boundaries. You need to say, "Sorry we can't do that, we need some family time."

For example, my schedule is pretty hectic...I work full-time, and homeschool 3 of my five children (one is on a mission, the other in college). I go to psychotherapy twice a week--so obviously I have some serious issues I am dealing with there.

I am not a visiting teacher. My calling is ward librarian (so no commitment outside of the time at church). I do not sign up for sealing teams, or cleaning the church. Rarely I help out with taking someone a meal if I have a light week. I don't attend most ward activities because they fall during my sleeping time (I work graveyard).

Do I still consider myself a "good member" of the church? Of course, I do. I have a testimony of the gospel, and I do my best to serve the Lord--but I also keep in mind his counsel not to "run faster than you have strength."

Set some boundaries for yourself, and enforce them. Delegate--that is an important part of leadership. Just because it is different and new to you doesn't mean you can't learn to do it.