Sleepovers

[the_jason]

My wife and I are dead set against our kids having sleep overs, whether it be at someone else's house or our own. These days it is just way to risky. Even if you know the home you are sending your kids to, even if they are members of the church, it does not mean nothing will happen. There are usually older siblings of the opposite sex and parents in the house with them. I won't allow them in my house because I wouldn't want members of my family to be tempted to do those things, or even to be accused of them.

Are we the only ones who feel this way?

[StrawberryFields]

You have a right to feel this way.

How will you handle things like youth conference, scout camps, girls camp etc.?

Also things can happen anytime of the day...it's not just a night activity.

[the_jason]

Well obviously things can happen at any time, but my job as a parent is to minimize those chances.

As far as scout camp and girls camp, yes it is always a risk; however, the majority of these type of cases are between members of the opposite sex. At girls camp, male leaders do not sleep in the same room, cabin, etc. as the young women. At scout camp, as far as the church is concerned, there are no female leaders.

Aside from locking my kids in the basement, which is awfully tempting, there is no sure-fire way to avoid sexual misdeeds from happening. All I can do is prevent what I can and minimize the chances.

[Vanilla]

When I think about the many sleepovers at my best friends house I have to stop and smile. We had so much fun. Aside from Saturday and Sunday nights, we spent the night at each other's house sometimes 5 times a week, including school nights. Spending the night at my house was fun for her because I was the only child left at home, so it was way different than being around her five brothers. The reverse was the same for me, I loved being at her house because of all the chaos with all of her brothers.

I understand completely where you are coming from, but I find this really sad. This is yet just one more fun thing from our childhood that has to be taken away from today's youth because of the way society is now...kinda like trick or treating! Would you feel the same about your daughter spending the night at a girlfriend's house if there were only females in the household? What about family? Are cousins welcome?

[sixpacktr]

We always let our kids go on sleepovers, and have kids over to our house. We never had any problems, and we always knew the parents before they went over there.

I understand the concern, and we too had it, but if we shelter our kids from all fun, what is the point of being a kid? I loved them as a kid, we'd set up a tent in the back yard most of the summer and sleep outside with our friends. Can't really do that now though, or so you'd be led to believe.

I think that sometimes we think too much. I know, if something happened you'd never forgive yourself, but if we don't have some basic trust, what's the point??

[Heather]

I think you're completely right. My oldest is only 2 and a half, but already my husband and I have said that there will be a rule that our kids will not have sleep-overs. The main reason of course is the fear of something happening to one of our kids. But also, they don't sleep as well when they're not in their own beds, and they don't get much sleep anyway when they spend the whole night playing and talking with their friends. There isn't a point to sleep-overs in my opinion. Play with friends during the day, and come home and sleep in your own bed.

I am also very leery of who I let babysit. So far we had a few adults, like my parents and my sister-in-law. I really don't like the idea of teenage babysitters, especially when my kids aren't old enough to keep me informed on what is really going on. I just want to protect my children at all cost. If that means we don't go out that much, that's fine. There are just too many sick people in the world.

[the_jason]

I guess the point of this is to use caution and rely on the Spirit. Generally speaking, I think close family members are more trustworthy because you know more about their history. We've watched our neice when her mom was out of town, and she's done the same for us, but they've never had a designated "sleepover." I agree with Heather. There is no point to a sleep over. I don't believe I'm taking fun away from them by not allowing a sleep over. They have too much fun as it is.

[Guest Yediyd]

Speaking from personal experience...this is a real concern...and not just a 2007 problem. I was a kid in the 70's. Not good memories...enough said.

[Gabelma]

There are plenty of people who feel the way you do - maybe its just because my friends and I didn't get upto anything we would be ashamed if our parents found out, but I do think its important to trust your children. The only reactionary parents in our group of friends belonged to the one friend that went wild at university.

As a Youth and Young Single Adult sleepovers were a huge part of what kept me active because they were what allowed me to travel and meet other Youth and Young Single Adults. I have very fond memories as a Young Single Adult of sleeping on the floor of a friends living room with 11 other women, with 5 men upstairs in the tiny bedroom - also remember the men used up all the bathroom time lol - similar things happened a Youth. One of my closest friends I have had since high school is male - even had sleepovers at his house.

I feel that its my job to teach my children but I also need to know when to let them go. And to trust them I feel children need to be respected and trusted to become trustworthy adults. They are not some weird alien subspecies they are actually small humans with an ability to make the right decisions if taught to do so. My Mum was very open about sex and I am very comfortable in my own body, when I made the decision not to have sex and remain chaste I did it with my eyes open - I want the same for my kids, my daughter already knows the basics about sex and babies as it came up looking at a 4D scan book when i was pregnant with my son.

I personally am very fussy about who babysits my kids only my parents, my Mother in Law, brother and bestfriend are allowed and even then I do not do it very often and my daughter has only ever stayed over at even Granny's once or twice. However do get to the point when I will have to take that chance that time will come when I know my daughter is old enough to say no or we have an open enough relationship that she can tell me if something did happen to her.

Charley

[StrawberryFields]

Some parents allow this and some don't.

Is there anyone here has was not allowed to have sleepovers as a child? I wonder if they feel they missed out?

[Annabelli]

My wife and I are dead set against our kids having sleep overs, whether it be at someone else's house or our own. These days it is just way to risky. Even if you know the home you are sending your kids to, even if they are members of the church, it does not mean nothing will happen. There are usually older siblings of the opposite sex and parents in the house with them. I won't allow them in my house because I wouldn't want members of my family to be tempted to do those things, or even to be accused of them.

Are we the only ones who feel this way?

Do your parent homework:

You need more guidelines for sleep overs than you do for teen dating. Your concerns are very valid. My first rule for sleep overs: (my rules were made up as we went along and the experiences that we incurred!)

#0: Find out who lives in the home. Is it just parents and their kids? Do they have relatives who live their also? And do they have adult friends who frequently visit and sometimes stay over.

#00: Get an address book for your child's friends' parents and not only get the home phone number but cell numbers too. This is not just for sleep overs but for your child visiting there. Some parents will invite your child to go with them to rent movies...etc and may not call and ask you.

#00A: You should also make a record in your address book of the parents' vehicles make/model and license plate numbers.

#00B: You should meet the parents and know what they look like.

#1 Never allow your child to sleep over if their parents do not communicate with you, the parent. I don't care how popular the family is.

#2 Never drop your kid off. Always escort them to the front door and step inside and greet the parents. If the parents don't want you to come in, take your kid and leave.

#3 Never let your child leave school, church, grocery store, water park, baseball game...etc for a sleep over. Take your child home and call the parents with a yes or no.

#4 Never allow your child to sleep over with a friend who they just met. We have a three (3) month rule! After you and your child has known the family for three months then decide. This discourages a lot of weirdos!!!

#5 If their classmates invite them to a birthday/sleep over and you do not know the parents, call the parents and then call the teacher and ask for references. (Many kids will be invited to the birthday party and only a few will be invited to stay for the sleep over). Get telephone numbers!!! Get your kid a cell phone and teach them how to use it.

#6 For scouting trips...etc, if the people in charge of the trip are too busy to give you the information that you need and too busy to answer questions and treat you like a dummy, Do Not Send Your Child On The Trip!

#7 Always give your kid your home telephone number and cell number in case of an emergency and teach them how to use a public pay phone and how to dial the police. Make sure they have a small flashlight because some people do not have night lights.

#8 Have a definite schedule for picking up your child and you should pick them up no later than 10 a.m. No extended stays!

The children who are the most excited about sleep overs are children grades K-3.

There are plenty more rules but these should get you thinking.

[TheWatcher]

Some parents allow this and some don't.

Is there anyone here has was not allowed to have sleepovers as a child? I wonder if they feel they missed out?

I am with Jason on this one!!

I grew up LDS and my father was DEAD SET against our spending the night at our friends houses. I hated this rule and I did feel left out of the fun, but when my parents split and the rule was gone I found out why he had such strong convictions about it.

It was at these times I was introduced to pornography....to smoking....other things.

One friend's mother ( this was in 5th grade! ) turned out to be an alcoholic. She was laying on the couch, totally blotto drunk, while my friend KICKED HER!! I had never seen anything like that and I felt trapped! It was no longer fun. Later that night she came into the bedroom and accused us of plotting against her and laughing at her. She took us to Mcdonalds the next day, drinking while she drove!!!

Even other member's houses were not absolutely safe. You just never know.

My oldest daughter hated this restriction, as I did, but now she is thankful for it and says she knows that certain friends, (one in particular who was a member) were up to no good.

Family sleepovers?? You still don't know for sure. One of my brothers-in-law ended up being a child molester--for years, no one knew he was molesting his step-daughter.

Better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.

[Dr T]

We've let out kids sleep over at family members (cousins & grandparents) which is different. We have not yet let them sleep at a friends house. I didn't much as a child, only for a pre-finals baseball game with the whole team and once at a friends house. I did camp a whole lot while growing up and they were some of the best experiences.

[Gabelma]

Some parents allow this and some don't.

I

It was at these times I was introduced to pornography....to smoking....other things.

One friend's mother ( this was in 5th grade! ) turned out to be an alcoholic. She was laying on the couch, totally blotto drunk, while my friend KICKED HER!! I had never seen anything like that and I felt trapped! It was no longer fun. Later that night she came into the bedroom and accused us of plotting against her and laughing at her. She took us to Mcdonalds the next day, drinking while she drove!!!

Even other member's houses were not absolutely safe. You just never know.

My oldest daughter hated this restriction, as I did, but now she is thankful for it and says she knows that certain friends, (one in particular who was a member) were up to no good.

Family sleepovers?? You still don't know for sure. One of my brothers-in-law ended up being a child molester--for years, no one knew he was molesting his step-daughter.

Better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.

this is where being a good parent comes in Annabelli is right you do your homework - you can't guarantee safety but you can do your best to assure situations like you describe don't happen. I would never let my daughter go to a home where I hadn't met the parents, ie invited them round for dinner and been to theirs - I am uncomfortable about some friendships she has right now so we are steering her away from them. And you teach your kids to make good friendships and keep lines of communication open if I was molested I could have told my Mum, she was an alchololic and has gone slightly nuts in later years but was one of the best parents, she had a good balance. By the time I was old enough for sleepovers I would never have stayed in the situations you describe - my brother did but ultimately Mum has steered him out of the mess he made for himself. My brother had stricter rules as a result and Mum always made sure the other kid slept over at our house first - she was more liberal with me because she trusted me not too. Because she was open and very honest about sex from when I was about 4 noone was able to entice me it was my decision what I did - same goes with my brother.

I want my children to be confident, outgoing and able to take care of themselves when they go into the adult world. So I have to let go of the apron strings bit by bit as they are ready. They are going to face temptations and trials I can't stop that would love to but also know they need them to grow -

Charley

[TheWatcher]

Yes, we do need to let our kids make some of their own decisions..I just don't trust my daughters to be with older boys or men overnight, having had a bad experience that need not be mentioned here.

You can't be afraid to say NO to your kids, which is so difficult when they just want to have fun.

You are right about doing your homework and knowing the parents! Once my Dad left our family, my Mom didn't or couldn't care to take the time--she was probably glad I was out of her hair, so there you go.

It's so nice to read about people loving their kids so much that they care enough to keep them as safe as possible. :)

[Elphaba]

When I was 13 I went to a sleepover where all of the girls held me down while one of them continuously hit me with her knuckle on my chest bone (don't know the official name). My best friend sat there and watched her do it while I sobbed. Later on her brothers joined in, and you can use your imagination from there.

I don't think the risk of abuse is higher than it was in days gone by. I just think it is openly talked about now. When abuse happened prior to the '80s, or thereabout, you just kept it to yourself.

I am a parent who is not good at letting go of the worrying. I'm working on that. Just the day before yesterday my son, who is 28, wrote me an e-mail that I had to back off and quit worrying about him so much.

If I had young children again, I could not let them spend the night elsewhere. I would be wide awake all night thinking the worst.

Elphaba

[Annabelli]

Some unpleasant things that happened on sleep overs:

#1 I went to pick up my child from a sleep over at 10 a.m. and they were sitting around with nothing to eat waiting for some deadbeat to wake up and go get donuts!

#2 I was driving to pick up my child up when I spotted them at a laundrymat! My son's clothing was ruined from carrying a leaky bottle of bleach!

#3 I called to say I was on my way to pick up my child and got no answer on either of their phones. I arrived at their house and got no answer at the door which I banged on for 20 minutes. I called the police and they opened the door and found the mother on the internet and the father watching TV. They didn't know where the kids were! The kids had went to the park to play about two blocks away!!!

Some pleasant things that happened on sleep overs:

#1 The parents were home, answering the door, inviting the parents in, had put up camp tents in the back yard, and had a cookout set up.

#2 My child called and asked if it was okay to go to the movies with his friend and family. He called the next morning at 9:30 a.m. and said he was ready to come home.

#3 My children were invited for a sleep over during the winter. They took their sleeping bags and after snow sledding, they watched Disney movies on the dvd and had pizza and cocoa.

Problems that we have had at our house with sleep overs:

Parents who cannot be contacted and don't show up until 2 p.m. to pick up their child.

Children who don't want to go home and want to spend another night.

Parents who send friends or relatives we didn't know to pickup their child. And we had to call the parents.

[Gabelma]

When I was 13 I went to a sleepover where all of the girls held me down while one of them continuously hit me with her knuckle on my chest bone (don't know the official name). My best friend sat there and watched her do it while I sobbed. Later on her brothers joined in, and you can use your imagination from there.

I don't think the risk of abuse is higher than it was in days gone by. I just think it is openly talked about now. When abuse happened prior to the '80s, or thereabout, you just kept it to yourself.

I am a parent who is not good at letting go of the worrying. I'm working on that. Just the day before yesterday my son, who is 28, wrote me an e-mail that I had to back off and quit worrying about him so much.

If I had young children again, I could not let them spend the night elsewhere. I would be wide awake all night thinking the worst.

Elphaba

It is awful what some people will do hope you don't mind me asking where you friends with the people you were staying with?

its part of the reason I have chosen to home educate my kids, and why I am stopping my daughter play with the children in our street I think they try to treat her like that so I have stopped it - I was talking to a Mum at the home ed group and we were talking about why she had chosen to home educate she has such amazing children- she said the youngest had come home from nursery one day and said he didn't like the people there and could he stay home so he did. She had assumed the older two would want to stay at school they were both at top of their classes academically, good at sport and very popular - but they asked to stay home too - she was surprised they never wanted to call their school friends - they told her that at school they had to have friends but they didn't really like them that much they weren't people they wanted to spend time with now they had a choice.

I guess because I was a bit of a nerdy kid - I only ever had really great friends being the odd one out and different I guess has its advantages I never got invited to a sleepover that would have gone like that. I am aware I need to watch my daughter because she likes to please too much

Charley

[Annabelli]

Did I mention that I cut off sleep overs at age 16. No Sleep Overs after age 16. Why? Sleep Overs are for the young who think staying up all night is everything.

At 16 most teenagers will have their drivers license and share the family vehicle or have one of their own. They are not limited to see their friends by travel and are responsible for a curfew.

[Gabelma]

Did I mention that I cut off sleep overs at age 16. No Sleep Overs after age 16. Why? Sleep Overs are for the young who think staying up all night is everything.

At 16 most teenagers will have their drivers license and share the family vehicle or have one of their own. They are not limited to see their friends by travel and are responsible for a curfew.

Think the over 16 sleepovers were even more fun lol I wasn't restricted before then because I am in a place I could walk, bike or get the bus, I am hoping by 12 or 13 my kids can get themselves into and out of town. By 15-16 we were allowed to go further afield and we could go to Edinburgh to see a show or London for the weekend if we saved up and have a night away a hostel night is cheaper with more of us. Or a hotel is cheaper if you share the cost of a room. We even had a temple trip we went on with some YSA priesthood holders. We even got to go to Europe for week. By this point a couple of my friends had moved out of home and had their own rooms (they had chosen college courses away from home) - by 19 all of us had our own rooms or flats or were on missions (with exception of one friend). It was great fun at YSA things to sleep on someones floor and get no sleep at all -

Kind of hope by 16 my kids will be trustworthy individuals bit late if they are not - for me the point of sleepovers is to help children get to the point they can be independent, and I hope they get chance to travel. Times will have to change drastically for me to want to change this for my kids. I think it was CS Lewis who said that as Mothers we are bringing our children up so that they no longer need us - I certainly want that for my children, if they want to come back that great but don't want them to need me for anything.

Charley

[Annabelli]

Our children travel to the larger cities independently around the age of 20. It's not parental trust that's involved, it a matter of personal security. Children 16 years old are crime targets/victims.

[Gabelma]

Our children travel to the larger cities independently around the age of 20. It's not parental trust that's involved, it a matter of personal security. Children 16 years old are crime targets/victims.

So are 20 year olds, women are actually at less risk than men and tbh I don't think my ability to look after myself was much different, my Mum made sure I knew the basics of self defence before I left elementary school, and also spent time teaching me how to look after myself. Plus at least in the UK a lot of kids leave home before 20 - I was gone by 19 and was a year older than I had planned leaving..... what do you do if they decide to go away to school or work before the age of 20 or even get married ?

Charley

[Annabelli]

20 Was just a random age to say that they are out of high school and are a little more sensitive to the elements and make better choices than a 16 year old. And 20 year olds have usually lost their association with younger classmates after a couple of years away from high school.

If a 2nd grader shouldn't be at another 2nd grader's sleep over then a 16 year old should not be in a major city to attend concerts.

If you do not want your youngsters going to sleep overs don't dangle a promise of bigger and better things for 16 and then wait to pull the rug out from under them. Rug Pulling is like saying "I was going to let you go there when you turned 16 but your grades are not that good or your room isn't neat enough. Nothing that they do will ever be good enough because it was just a false promise to put off things you didn't want them to do.

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Our children travel to the larger cities independently around the age of 20. It's not parental trust that's involved, it a matter of personal security. Children 16 years old are crime targets/victims.

So are 20 year olds, women are actually at less risk than men and tbh I don't think my ability to look after myself was much different, my Mum made sure I knew the basics of self defence before I left elementary school, and also spent time teaching me how to look after myself. Plus at least in the UK a lot of kids leave home before 20 - I was gone by 19 and was a year older than I had planned leaving..... what do you do if they decide to go away to school or work before the age of 20 or even get married ?

Charley

Yes, young adults do leave home earlier than 20 but it is for a structured purpose, not a night out on the town.

[sixpacktr]

I allowed my kids all their lives to go to sleepovers and have them at our house. Several times we had the YW group at our house, or at someone else's house, and the girls always had a great time. There were a couple of girls in my ward that I hometaught that came into my house like it was their own (I called them my half daughters), and my girls did the same at their house.

It all gets down to knowing the other parents and trusting them. It also was about teaching your kids about protecting their bodies and knowing that they could tell you anything. My daughters and I have a very open and frank relationship: they ask me about ANYTHING (and a couple of times my jaw has dropped open, literally, but I always was able to answer them), so I wasn't worried about them. They knew the rules and I knew they'd tell me if something was amiss.

Sleepovers are a part of growing up, IMO. There is something about being up at 2 or 3 am, watching a movie or talking about things that tends to bond the youth together, and so I see no harm in it...

[Guest Yediyd]

I'm very happy that you had a good expeirience, Six...but it is not always in knowing the people. My father was the preacher...the parents who sent their daughters to our house thought they knew him, too.

My sister's best friend got beat by her parrents for telling such a "nasty lie" about the pastor....

...she was telling the truth.