Parenting Sons to Teach them Compassion


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Two strikes. Players on second and third. Last inning, 2 outs. Swing and a miss. Third strike: game over. Braden just stood there at the plate: bat in hand and shoulders slumped, listening to the other team cheer and celebrate. He lined up with the other players with his head held low as he slapped the hands of the other team members, reciting over and over “good game.” Helping his dad put the equipment in order, he waited till the last of his teammates left. Finally alone, Braden let out one big crocodile tear—unable to hold it in any longer. I ached to rush to him, throw my arms around him and tell his seven year old heart it was all going to be ‘OK’—but I didn’t. Instead, I watched his father take a knee and ask his son what was wrong. “We lost because of me,” tears trailing down his dust-stained face. “The score was 12 to 1 son—there was no way we were going to win that game even if you had hit a home...

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So, I have 2 sons.

"You're not the reason you lost"... sure.  If it's true.  It's not always true.  My sons are in jiujitsu.  There are no teammates to share the responsibility of a loss.  It's just you and the other kid on that mat.   It is completely fine to say, Yes, you lost because of you.  And yes, it's fine to cry about it to express and vent your frustrations/disappointments/sadness.  What is not fine is to cry about it and mope over it and get stuck in that low point.  Boys need to pull up their bootstraps and figure things out.  So my kid loses in a jiujitsu match he should have won.  He just wasn't able to execute within the 5-minute rounds the stuff he executes flawlessly on the practice mat.  So after the crying jag, my husband sits him down and explains to him that a loss is a learning experience and that it exposes where you can improve on.  The opponent is doing you a service by giving you a challenge that exposed your weaknesses so you can improve on it.  So you go and thank your opponent for the service and take what you learned out of the match and start working on improving on it, possibly asking your opponent for tips to improve your technique.  Consistent wins means you've done your opponents good service but you need to move up to tougher challenges.  My son was 6 years old.

 

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