It Might Seem Minor But...

[confusedgirl1985]

My best friend is an amazing person who I've always been able to share everything with... that is until recently. See he's LDS and I am not, maybe I shouldn't be a part of this forum for that reason but I didn't know where else to turn, it seems like no one outside of the faith can truly help me. My best friend and I share a very unique friendship, we met when we were sixteen and seventeen years old, and I am now twenty two and he is twenty one. After being very close for two years we began to have very strong feelings for each other and fell in love. Unfortunately the timing was off and he began to feel very strongly that he was being called to his mission. He applied for his papers and left for his mission in the spring of 2006. He is one of the missionaries who is very devout and being a just and fair person we decided it was better if I didn't wait for him because we needed to truly devote this time to our own growth. I really wanted to understand his motivation and be supportive and I certainly have always given him this impression because I dearly love him, but as selfish and horrible as it is I've always felt sort of abandoned because we can't talk. This was only perpetuated when monthes after he left I was involved in a life threatening accident twenty miles outside of his hometown. I feel like after that I lost my balance because I couldn't understand why God would take my rock away from me in a time of great need and confusion. I then began what I think was subconcious rebellion I drank a lot and engaged in very inappropriate relationships with men. All of which I feel very shameful for now. I've repented to God and even written to my best friend about some of the things I've done, but I worry a lot about forgiveness. I wonder if God can forgive me for my indiscretions and for my lack of faith and I worry that my best friend will not forgive or love me if he finds out what I've done. I feel as though I can't forgive myself. I don't know what to do, I want him to have an accurate picture of me and want to confess what I've done wrong to him because I know it effects him but I'm afraid it will change his opinion of me and I will lose a very important person in my life. He's always said he would never think less of me for the things I've done and I feel like this is a test. Further more, in the last two years since he left although I struggled I've had some very strong spiritual dreams involving him and involving myself and I don't know what they mean. He told me to pray about them but I have and feel I'm getting no response. I need help understanding this situation and help to understand if the LDS religion could even forgive me of my actions, because I do find some truth in the scriptures but don't want to be turned out or shunned for my past indiscretions. Please help.

[prisonchaplain]

Perhaps I'm not the person to ask, since I'm not LDS. Nevertheless, I have strong feelings about this subject, and have gone through your dilemma, though over a different issue. My wife is Korean, and I am anglo. We met and dated at a time (1995) when "international marriages" were frowned upon and looked at with suspicion.

We prayed, and we waited on her parents' approval. Ultimately, we received it, and have been married happily. We're also pleased that both our society's have discarded old stereotypes, and are more accepting.

Many people equate interracial or international marriage with interfaith marriage. I do not. One standard I was taught in my church (again, not LDS) is that I must only date and marry those of my own faith. After all, Scripture says that we become one-flesh. What could be more central to who a person is than their faith? It effects attitudes, practices, childrearing, and even how one goes about finding answers.

So, my question to you is: Have you considered conversion--or has your beau considered conversion? I'm guess he hasn't, if he went on a mission? You seem to respect the faith. That won't be enough for a happy eternal marriage. This person you seek to unite with believes marriage is eternal--IF you are sealed in a Temple ceremony. Obviously, that cannot happen if you do not convert.

So, before you consider whether he may be the one for you, and whether you are good enough for him because of past actions (most faiths make room for forgiveness to the truly repentent), you ought to consider whether this faith is right.

Others will argue that interfaith marriages can work, and they can. However, imho you may be trying to unite that which is most difficult to do. Further, I do not see such unions as God's best for us.

I know this is a contrary viewpoint, but I'm not suggestion you give up. Rather, explore whether you two can become agreed on a most essential element of your relationship--what faith will your family practice--how will you approach your God?

[confusedgirl1985]

Perhaps I'm not the person to ask, since I'm not LDS. Nevertheless, I have strong feelings about this subject, and have gone through your dilemma, though over a different issue. My wife is Korean, and I am anglo. We met and dated at a time (1995) when "international marriages" were frowned upon and looked at with suspicion.

We prayed, and we waited on her parents' approval. Ultimately, we received it, and have been married happily. We're also pleased that both our society's have discarded old stereotypes, and are more accepting.

Many people equate interracial or international marriage with interfaith marriage. I do not. One standard I was taught in my church (again, not LDS) is that I must only date and marry those of my own faith. After all, Scripture says that we become one-flesh. What could be more central to who a person is than their faith? It effects attitudes, practices, childrearing, and even how one goes about finding answers.

So, my question to you is: Have you considered conversion--or has your beau considered conversion? I'm guess he hasn't, if he went on a mission? You seem to respect the faith. That won't be enough for a happy eternal marriage. This person you seek to unite with believes marriage is eternal--IF you are sealed in a Temple ceremony. Obviously, that cannot happen if you do not convert.

So, before you consider whether he may be the one for you, and whether you are good enough for him because of past actions (most faiths make room for forgiveness to the truly repentent), you ought to consider whether this faith is right.

Others will argue that interfaith marriages can work, and they can. However, imho you may be trying to unite that which is most difficult to do. Further, I do not see such unions as God's best for us.

I know this is a contrary viewpoint, but I'm not suggestion you give up. Rather, explore whether you two can become agreed on a most essential element of your relationship--what faith will your family practice--how will you approach your God?

First off, thank you so much for responding, and it doesn't matter that you're not LDS, I'm glad to listen to any input that anyone has to offer with an open mind.

I definately see your point in approaching this matter and it is, of course something I have struggled with myself. As my parents have advised me in this friendship as well as a close family friend who is a pastor, I realize how important faith can be when approaching the subject of dating someone seriously.

Although, as I said dating is not really the issue in the present time, if he's interested when he gets home, I would be interested as well. You make some very valid points when you talk about the LDS belief of eternal marriage as a definate obstacle for us. In fact I would consider it one of the most major obstacles. It's something he and I have discuessed and something I wouldn't ask him to give up. However, it's something he has voluntarily considered to forgo if our relationship was ever to get to that point. I don't know however if I could allow that, so that part of this situation, is of course a little more than shaky. I do, however, find that our similarities in values far out way our differences except for on details concerning specifically faith. We believe in similar childrearing ideals and our attitudes concerning important issues such as morality and marriage.

As for conversion, I have certainly considered it, although he has never asked it, as I stated. I do see some truth in the gospel presented by the LDS church, but I'm still researching it and want to be certain it's the right choice made for the right reasons before converting. As you know I'm sure, there are strong reasons for accepting it as a part of your faith or choosing not to accept it, so that's all very confusing. As well as the fact that my parents don't quite view the LDS church the way I do. Don't get me wrong they respect the beliefs, but from our discussions I get the feeling they would be upset if I converted.

More importantly however, I guess on a general Christian level, I'm asking is there room in Christianity for forgiveness? I've read the Bible and also parts of the Book of Morman and although they preach repentence and forgiveness, that is often not the view I run into from many members of any church. I truly do believe that I have repented with my full heart, and truly hope God can forgive me. However, I've never been much of a church goer and it makes me wonder if it's not enough. I am also baptised, which the faith I was raised in promotes as a gateway to salvation. I just wonder if it's possible that someday I will forgive myself and that my friend could forgive me as well.

I was also thinking, and this is directed more to the forum and not as a response, that I wasn't quite clear in my first post so I wanted to clarify:

I guess the second issue is that I'm struggling to understand LDS missions. I understand the incredible devotion to faith. However, not being raised in the religion or a climate that prepares me for this time I'm struggling to understand why they need to be so far away from family and friends with limited means of communication. Please don't take that as an insult, I'm just asking with an open mind and searching for answers

[sixpacktr]

Hello Confusedgirl,

Let me try and clarify your last concern, about not being able to contact people except thru mail or email. Missionaries agree to be single minded during their mission to the task at hand, i.e., to the preaching of the gospel and serving God with all their might, mind and strength. For the most part (and this isn't true in all cases, but for the most part) dealing with issues other than the gospel is distracting from the work. To use your example, he had covenanted with our HF to do his work for 24 months--if he was to be involved in or counseling you during your accident, he couldn't do that. This may sound harsh, but you become a distraction (and I know you won't take that wrong, but rather in the context it was meant) to what he is to be doing. So while it may be hard, it is the right thing, because he is under a higher calling to serve our HF and his children during this short time of his life.

As for your desire to be with him after his mission, whatever you do, do not join because of him. Do not do it. You will be taking upon yourself covenants you won't want to keep, and it will be a drain on your marriage whether you believe that or not. If you join, join because you have rec'd the testimony of Jesus Christ, of Joseph Smith, of the Book of Mormon and all else that it embraces. IOW, be true to what you believe, and go from there. I have seen too many cases of fiancees joining in order to marry the boy or the girl, take them to the temple and then go inactive and in some cases completely against the church. This causes much heartache and very often broken marriages. Paul talked of being equally yoked, and that is very true. My father joined many years after marrying my mother, and he did it of his own free will, so I never got conflicting signals of what to do. He embraced the gospel as true, and has for the last 40 years.

Anyway, I know it is hard to understand, but again, whatever you do, do it for yourself, nobody else. You will, in the long run, be happier.

Good luck to you.

[prisonchaplain]

Six got the 2nd question, I'll try the first.

There is absolutely room for forgiveness. As a jail chaplain, I extend this message daily. We have people in here who have done what Jesus said should earn them a millstone around the neck and a toss into the sea for. And yet...Jesus says whoever believes in him and confesses their sin shall be saved. King David was a liar, an adulterer and a murderer. Yet, at the end of his life God says he was a man after his heart.

ON the other hand, churches are peopled with humans who are not always as forgiving as their heavenly father is. And, quite frankly, they risk God's wrath for their pride and judgment!

There is a movement amongst Christian youth workers to encourage teens to pledge purity until marriage. Their message to those who've already failed in this area is that in the eyes of Jesus, if they've truly repented, they are "virgins again." This means the forgiveness is total. It also means that they are once again responsible to protect their purity. They cannot say, "Well, I've got nothing to protect anymore."

The only sin for which there is no forgiveness is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. My understanding is that anyone who has done that, will have a hardened heart, and will not seek forgiveness. Therefore, anyone who is seeking forgiveness can receive it.

[confusedgirl1985]

Thank you to both of you. Six that's very sound advice and I definately wouldn't change my faith as a result of this boy. However, he has provoked interest in the church and a greater understanding of the true meaning of it. I have talked to missionaries a bit but never converted because I've always had too many questions, but I think spirituality is a journey and maybe someday I might find truth in the LDS religion. I'm also open to other religion, although as I've said I am Christian and believe in Christ as our savior.

I suppose I also understand the purpose of a mission and the need for lack of distraction. However, it doesn't make it feel much better from an outsider's perspective. An LDS friend and I discussed this and the fact that she felt it was probably a little different for me because I had never been prepared for such an event, as much as she had always known many of her close friends would leave. I know however, it's hard on him too, he's a very helpful person and although he says he feels guilty about it, he says he worries often about me particularly when I don't respond quickly. But thank you so much for an inside perspective, it is greatly appreciated.

Also thank you again to the prison chaplain,

It is good to be reminded of forgiveness in the Bible, even in extreme cases. I guess sometimes it's hard to remember the strength of the Lord's forgiveness and the fact that his love for us must be incredible, as he did give his only son so that we may have eternal life.

I also found the ideas of the Christian youth workers interesting. I guess I never considered that option. It's definately something I'll have to look into.

[rusure]

confusedgirl, the reality is that sexual indiscretion and sin plagues much of humanity. I assume you have a few months until this friend comes home? Because it sounds like you need to work on repentance some more. Are you familiar with the steps of repentance? If not, I'd be happy to share what I know so that you can make sure you give yourself a chance to have a full repentance and to allow Christ to heal you. Satan is happy when we chain ourselves to our past mistakes and makes us think we are undeserving or "less than" after we misstep so that he can take hold in our lives and keep us from doing the next right things so it is important that you build the armor up around you by following gospel truths and principles, etc.

I have mixed feelings on whether you should tell your boyfriend, that is between you and the Lord, but if you do tell him, do not burden him with this while he's gone or even right after his return. If you find the relationship resumes and is headed toward marriage, then that would be the appropriate time and let the spirit guide you on what to tell him so that he can discern what is right for him to do, too.

This is something that LDS members get a lot of help with because we can go to our bishop for the more serious sins where Satan can get a foothold and they can give you blessings, specific scriptures they feel inspired to have you read, etc. and keep in touch with you to help you stay on track. The repentance work has to be done by you ultimately, but just know the Savior already knows what you went through and why, he just needs you to come to him to heal you.