flutterbee

You need to realize too that some of what you're experiencing is normal. When you convert the Spirit is especially strong. You're very in tune with the Holy Ghost and kind of on a spiritual high. This state can't last forever. Reality slips in and the hum-drum everyday life comes back. Now is where you really have to decide if what you felt when you were baptized is real. Did you join because you felt the Book of Mormon was true or did you join for the socializing? I'm not a convert but I've had a similar experience. When I first left home I went to work for my uncle in another country. They had a very small ward with a small singles' group within the ward. My aunt and uncle told them almost two months in advance that I was coming. They were soooo excited and I was getting little notes and comments relayed through my aunt "When are you coming? We can hardly wait!" I got a warm welcome and was immediately included in all sorts of activities. When I got home though, I was in a Singles Ward that was very large. It was very clique-y too. I tried and tried and tried to "break in" to various groups and try to make friendships. No go. I was given various excuses including "Well, we have people come and go all the time and people don't want to waste their time making friends with someone who's just going to leave soon." Ummm, I was there for four years. That excuse doesn't fly after the first year, I say. It's hard to go from a welcoming experience to a "just existing" experience but that's when you have to go back to the basics--reading scriptures, praying, paying attention to the lessons--and find out where you truly stand with Heavenly Father and Jesus. It's Their church after all.

Thanks Wingnut. See, that makes much more sense to me than that the Church just refused willy-nilly to offer the use of a building.

Has anyone heard of this yet? I admit, I'm more than a little surprised. I though we usually allowed our buildings to be used.

I find myself saying "us" and "them" and feel kinda bad about it even as I use those terms because it really shouldn't be US vs THEM. And yet I know they're (see I did it again ) doing the same thing so, I dunno. I also feel that my situation is a little unique in that I'm an adult but I'm still living with my parents. (I work full time, own my own car, pay my own bills, I just can't afford to pay rent 'cause I'm trying to pay off school loans.) I get this weird response from people in the ward all the time asking if I'm a student or if I do anything all day. It's like because I'm living at home they impose this "child" label on me. I'm constantly being asked to do things for people in the middle of the day and when I respond that I can't because I have to work I get this totally shocked look. I also get a strange reaction when I tell them what kind of work I do--that I have a "real" job. It's almost like they expect me to be flipping burgers or something. (Yes, I know flipping burgers is a real job but I worked for a degree and therefore have a job that uses the education and experience I've worked for--that's all I mean.)

First off, thanks Happiness3 for that link. I read it and was thinking "oh my gosh. I could've written this!" One thing that I get tired of hearing: "I understand how hard it is being single. In the year after my mission when I just wasn't meeting anyone I felt I could marry..." Ummm, yeah. I'm going on 15 years here. Sorry but your experience doesn't even compare. I would go so far as to say it doesn't count at all. That's exactly how I feel when I keep getting asked what singles need or want. We're not a different species of human. Also, why does the Church have to "do" anything with us? I would appreciate being treated as an adult who can make up her own mind. Just because you plan activities doesn't mean I have to attend them and just because I don't attend them doesn't mean I'm going inactive or feeling left out. Another thing that kind of gets to me is reciprocating favors. I feel like a lot of the time we singles give and give to the members of the ward in times of need and don't get anything back because they assume that there's nothing we need--or the thought doesn't even cross their mind that we might need things too. I know, I know, charity, blah blah blah but really, if I'm sick or if I've been working 60 hour work weeks for the past 3 months don't ya think that maybe I would appreciate a meal brought over or a little help catching up on housework too?

I also wanted to address the Relief Society issue. I have had the experience of actually being pushed away from it and told that I would be better off in one of the other organizations since I "don't have much in common" with the Relief Society sisters (several bishops straight out told me this). Simply because I'm single. I like Relief Society and always have. I was ready, willing, and eager to leave Young Women's to go into RS and I would have been perfectly happy staying there but I estimate that in the 17 years since leaving Young Women's that I have spent maybe 7 years in Relief Society the rest of the time I have been in Primary. Apparently that's the best use a family ward has for me. Don't get me wrong, I love those little kids but I would like to spend time with adults at church too.

I think part of the problem too is that the marrieds in our age group just don't know what to make of us--or what to do with us. Like we're overgrown kids that need some kind of supervision. A little background info on me before I go on. I'm 35, female, never been married. I went to a YSA ward from the time I was 23 to 29. It was not a good experience. Part of the reason was the extreme pressure to get married. I was glad to get back into a family ward. I intensely dislike dances and always have, even as a teen. Firesides aren't much better IMO. I was recently called as the singles rep in my ward. I accepted the calling mostly because I figured it was my turn even though I have not participated in the Singles program since coming back to the family ward and have no desire to do so. There are only 5 active singles in my ward, all women and I am the youngest by about 10-15 years. Two senior citizens in very poor health, two divorced 40-somethings with children who have flat-out told me, "don't bother me with Singles information" and me who is apathetic towards the program at best and downright hostile at worst. I went to my first meeting in August. They talked about how the mid-singles activities and such weren't getting much participation and that people were tired of only having dances and firesides. Most of the activities are weekly dances and people don't like dances--the participation was generally around 20-30 people out of about 1,000. It had been suggested that they drop the number of dances to one a month and to come up with other things. I suggested service projects both in our wards and in the community. The idea seemed to be well received and I went away thinking that maybe getting back in the singles scene wouldn't be too bad. Then came September's meeting in which every decision we made the previous month was thrown out and we were told to plan for a dance for our next activity and to decide what to do for our fireside. When one of the other ward reps questioned the decision we were told that service projects could be done in the ward. The Singles program is to meet the needs and provide activities that the wards can't. So the fellow asked them if there was some sort of mission statement or guideline for the Singles program. They couldn't give us an answer. They didn't know what changes they wanted made. They couldn't tell us what wards could provide that the Singles program couldn't and vice versa. They didn't like/didn't agree with what we wanted or were asking for. I went away in tears feeling like my participation in the church was being decided by middle-aged married men who hadn't a clue as to what my needs were and weren't really interested in finding out despite all their talk about "change". Which is a shame because they're probably very caring men. I've spent most of the week since that meeting flip-flopping with the idea asking to be released immediately or sticking it out for a few more months to see if things improve. I feel like there is a definite disconnect and that people want things to be better, they just have no idea how.

They're really not the type to sit quietly and color. If they were, they wouldn't be such a problem. I do have a basket of toys (I have two nephews who live out of state) that I've brought out but they don't really play with those either. They just throw them, break them, or hit each other or my stuff with them. Yeah, my house is cat-proof and it's not very easy to child-proof either. At best I can move breakables to higher shelves but one time they even tried to climb on things. Their mother seemed to be oblivious. I do kind of feel bad for her but at the same time I don't want them running free in my home. Someone asked about their ages...I'm not really sure. The oldest may be about 6 now with the younger one being 2-3 years younger. Her husband does all the household driving. She gets rides from friends and co-workers for everything else. As for shy, she's not shy at all. Part of my issue with her is that she talks endlessly about herself the whole visit. We end up spending an hour+ at our sisters' houses with me trying in vain to get her out the door after about 20-30 minutes. I'll say things like "It's time to go" or "we need to let Sister Jones get back to her evening" or "I need to get home now" with no effect. I've even tried just standing up and walking away but she doesn't come!

At all. There, I said it. I never did it as a young woman just out of Relief Society--wanted no part of it--but once I finished school this time around I thought I'd best give it a good, honest effort so I did. I still hate it. Right now my companion is a woman who refuses to drive. Doesn't even have a license. At first it wasn't too bad, but I find myself getting more and more resentful. I feel like if I have to drive each time that she should at least have to make the phone calls each time but I get looked at like I'm crazy for even suggesting it. I just got re-assigned a sister who has taught me before. She has two small children that she brings with her *every time*. It wouldn't be so bad if they were well-behaved but they're not. They tear around my house and she doesn't even look at them as they destroy things. Half our visit is spent with me trying to keep them out of places they shouldn't be and not touching things they shouldn't touch since she makes no effort. The other half is spent trying to avoid the eye of her mortified companion. My sister was her companion for awhile and tried all different days and times to find a day/time that this woman's husband could maybe watch the kids but it never happened (he works a regular M-F, 8-5 job and yet is never available to watch them one night a month). I. want. out!

I agree that it is all in the attitude and reasoning behind it. When my mom was growing up, there was a woman in her ward who wanted to be the R.S. president. It wasn't out of a desire to serve her Sisters and the ward. She saw this as a position of power. She thought that she could organize things better, set up committees better, instruct people better than anyone else. She had some idea that this would give her great social status--that people would look up to her and admire what she was doing. Everytime the calling was up to be filled, she literally started campaigning. She would go around and ask all the Sisters if they would put in a good word with the Bishop for her. Of course, she was never called. Her heart was not in the right place. She reacted by becoming bitter and angry. She was resentful toward all the bishops that wouldn't call her to be R.S. president. They were being spiteful or ignorant. So, I ask you: Was her aspiration a good one? Was her attitude one that the Lord would entrust His children to? I think this is what people mean when they say we shouldn't aspire to those callings.

I was just talking to my dad who is a ward clerk and he was looking over my shoulder at some of these responses. As far as the blessing being performed at home and the record not done properly for a 'child of record', it's still not a big deal. He mentioned a couple of kids that he came across last month. They had just moved into the ward and the family was trying to get them set up in Primary. No record could be found, the mother replied "they've never been blessed" and so my dad went into the office with the parents and the children were added. End of problem. Took all of 5 minutes.

Well, I can't give any "official" word on it but a baby blessing is not an ordinance. It is simply a father's priesthood blessing. The naming part is just paperwork, even though in the blessing we use the line about "the name s/he shall be known in the records of the church." I don't see any reason why it couldn't happen at home if that were more convenient. There might be a problem if you're doing it during church, thus pulling people away from the meetings but other than that... I only know of one that happened in the home though. My cousin is inactive and his wife is Catholic. When my aunt and uncle went to visit for the first time, they asked if it would be all right if he blessed the baby. They didn't ask anyone for permission although my uncle is a bishop.

This is a good idea. Also, don't try to force a spiritual or faith-building experience. There's a talk by David A Bednar from the last General Conference called "Watching with all Perseverance" that talks about taking advantage of the teachable moments. One of the points brought up is to let these situations occur spontaneously. If you try too hard then it will seem unnatural and stilted and you will get frustrated.

If you are getting hate e-mail/messages--delete it. You don't have to read it. In the chat room--why did you stay once it turned hateful and you stopped replying? Just leave next time (or don't go back at all). You may lose friends but you will make new ones both in and out of the church. Also, keep in mind that friendships start and end throughout life even without an event like this. Try to participate in ward activities and community service things. You'll feel better helping those in need. Some phrases to maybe halt comments from those who you think you may be able to maintain a friendship anyway (courtesy of Miss Manners ). Remember, keep the sarcasm OUT. --Thank you for your comments/ideas/views. I will be sure to give them the consideration they deserve. --Why do you ask? (If asked to attend a meeting or group where you suspect they might try to change your mind)--Thanks for asking, but I really can't. (repeat as needed--you don't owe an explanation)

Also, it's better to give something they need and can use on their mission because with transfers and all the moving they have to do it's better not to load them down with "stuff".