angela

Rachelle - I have only one piece of advice to give to you. LISTEN TO THE SPIRIT. I have been/am currently in a somewhat similar situation. I have found that many people want to give you "wordly" advice and opinions on what you should do. It is okay for them to support and sympathize with you - but when you are looking for answers on what to do and where to go from here trust FULLY in the Lord. Oh trust me - I KNOW this is easier said than done. Know that Heavenly Father does not want you to be miserable. He will not direct you to stay with a spouse who has no intentions on EVER changing (although he may ask you to put forth an effort for short periods of time - and what you gain from this is KNOWLEDGE and experience). I am not saying that either of these situations are the case. Just turn 100% completely to the Savior. Remember that he has already overcome your hurt and pain. He has atoned for YOU as well as your husband. But you still have to CHOOSE to put that victory to use. My heart goes out to you. It really does. I understand the things you are feeling more than I can ever express. Anger is natural. Hurt and pain are natural. Do not deny your feelings - but please remember to pray that your heart may be softened to see your husband as the Lord does. (This does NOT necessarily entail you ever being back with him.) Just remember that he IS still a child of God. Pray for him, even if you do end up getting a divorce. Stay away from the bitterness that will surround you. The adversary wants you to fall into that deep pit of hate and despair. It is a HARD place to pull yourself out of, trust me on this. I wish it wasn't two in the morning here. I wish I could think a little more clearly. I will try to send you a message in the next day or two because I really HAVE dealt with a lot of the things you are dealing with. As with the prompting you got during your blessing about removing yourself from your husband's romantic dealings - that is good advice. I have sat around wracking my brain about all the "possible" things my husband may or may not have done or be doing. It does NO GOOD. Just remember again that if you husband ever gets the help he needs - his actions WILL be dealt with. Even if he doesn't get the help he needs in this life - his actions WILL be dealt with. I just try to remember that it is not my place to judge and I do not have a full knowledge about my h's conditions OR actions. A little background (just so you know where I am coming from). I have 3 boys. 1 from my previous marriage and the last 2 from my current husband. My husband has some undiagnosed emotional things going on. That much I know. But he will not see a counselor long enough to even begin to sort them out or a doctor to consider biological causes. Heck, my husband cannot really even see that he has any issues. WELL - almost 2 years ago now my husband walked out on me while I was 2 months pregnant. Almost exactly 2 months after his baptism (which I truely believe was sincere). About 3 months later he was already living with another woman in a FULL relationship. I have been through MANY emotions during the past 2 years. TRUST me. I can relate to what you are going through. Currently, my husband and I tried to reconcile. At the time I was NOT fully listening to the Spirit and didn't consult HF about how we started the reconciliation. Anyway, I found out my H was still struggling with a pornography addiction. After fasting and praying I decided to very lovingly approach my H about the situation. He denied EVERYTHING again and up and left me again. While my situation SEEMS hopeless to everyone who knows me - my blessings say otherwise. :) I know that whatever happensI will be okay as long as I follow the direction given to me from the Spirit.

Changing my locks was on my list to do today. In the meantime I am not leaving my house unattended. I will probably have to call my home teachers because I have no idea how to fix a lock. Oddly enough one of the things he "took" from me was my extra key. I had been leaving the garage door unlocked (when I remembered) so get could get in through there by entering the code on the keypad to open the garage door. I had also changed the code on the keypad a few weeks ago when he took all his stuff and stormed out. One day I came home and he had opened the garage door (I suspect he set a temp PIN) and had let himself in (although the door to the house was unlocked). So a few days later I look down at his keyring and notice that while he was cleaning the kitchen he took my extra key (which is covered in American flags and stands out like a sore thumb). I asked him about it and said he had found it and put it on his keyring so it would not get lost, and said he had no clue what it went to. No point to that story really, except to say that H has been on a downward spiral for about 2 weeks now. He has been acting odd - and I have seen this pattern before. He starts with the porn, starts lying, starts going into denial about the way his life and behaviors really are.

The reason for the arguement last night was his addiction to pornography. I (again) had plenty of evidence that he outright denied. I started off very prayful about how to approach him and what to say. He again just looked right into my eyes and lied. Things escalated as he tried blaming ME for all of our marital problems. It was a defensive move by him... he was trying to knock me down with him. I asked him to leave for the night - and he said forget it it's done. Okay. So he starts texting me... again demeaning me and blaming me and my insecurites for everything. At that point I had prayed again and turned it over the HF. Nothing he said hurt me. I KNOW exactly where I stand with the Lord (whether it be good or bad). Honestly... I think this is a pretty clear message to me that IF and its a big IF he ever wants to try again it will not include him moving into my home. There was more than the porn issue... He had taken some things that were MINE (I don't know how long ago) and yesterday while I was at work riffled through my drawers looking for his porn and took several other things. I cannot trust this man. I WILL not allow him back into my home unsupervised. I just cannot. I have been violated in so many ways in this relationship. I am going to work on reconciling my wrongs and moving on with the divorce so I may prepare myself to go to the temple. (Really my relationship with this man is the only thing keeping me away from my endowments.) I do still hope that he will listen to the Spirit because like everyone else in this world he has a the limitless potential to become as HF. We have 2 children together and I would like to at least figure out how to be co-parents and eventually friends.

Thanks for the responses guys. I asked my H to leave our house about 1/2 an hour ago. I told him it would be better for him to leave for a while since an arguement was getting heated. He said forget it he was done (again). So my H is in the Lord's hands. My H and the Lord are the only ones who can help him now. I have done what I could...

Thanks for all the advice. :) I do want to clarify a few things. We are seeing an lds counselor. She is WONDERFUL. I realized yesterday that this is a huge issue to me - BUT I have never brought it up to the counselor. We are on a six week program that the counselor says we will KNOW at the end of it whether or not we should even continue. She asked for nothing but patience and unconditional love to be offered while these six weeks are taking place. In counseling last week he was faced with the fact that I need him to support the financially and while he is happy that I am the bread-winner - I am NOT. This is one of the deal-breakers in the relationship because it will either show he values my wants or not. I understand that I look incredibly NEEDY or dependent or whatever you want to call me. Please KNOW that I have brought myself to HF and have been (for the most part once I accepted the reality of the situation) guided by the Spirit. Today I am fasting for help with some of the other situations that I am dealing with because of my Husband (see the ADULT section for another shocking post). I am confident that if my H chooses to use his agency instead of accepting the call from HF to change his life, that I will eventually be released from the position of being asked to help my H. :) One last thing, my children are young enough that they do not know the situation with his ex being at work with him. I have a child that is almost 9 and we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old together.

My huband left because we were going through some rough times. I was pregnant, no health insurance, he did not have a good job (THIS job), we were living with my mother, lots and lots of stress he was unwilling to deal with. He chose to run. He started this relationship (as far as I can speculate) because they were convenient to each other. She had been alone for about 2 years since her H left her, and H was "needing" a relationship for companionship (I am sure in every sense of the word). I absolutely DO question his commitment to me. Only ONE of us is in a position right now to financially take care of themselves (and that is me). Naturally, I question if he is really in this for love or a place to stay. H also has some problems like pornography (and possible worse sexual addictions). His response to providing for a family is to wait because the prime golfing season starts soon... and his hours will pick up. Which brings me back to MY worry about the two of them working together - especially when from what I have seen of the woman she is very lonely and needy.

So here's another similar situation... I was looking on my husband's Facebook profile today, and saw that he added about 8 new friends - all but 1 are female. I asked him who all these women were and he said "People from work". I know that 2 of them at least are from there, the rest I have NO CLUE about. First I am ticked that at a time we are supposed to be fully concentrating on trying to make our marriage work he is adding unknown women to his facebook account. I am very hurt by it. Second, ONE of the women he added is the future DIL of the woman he was in a relationship with. I suggested that was COMPLETELY unacceptable because this girl LIVES with his exgirlfriend and will probably give the ex complete access to his profile. I have to add that his ex is a little unstable and I have been a little concerned at times of what she is capable of. At times while she was with my H she would call and text me at all hours of the night. (I am wishing I would have taken out a restraining order...) Opinions on this?

That's how I feel. But whenever I have brought up the situation he has not responded well.

So I have posted before about the story of me and my husband. He left when I was 2 months pregnant - and was dating another woman within 2 months, and was moved in with her within 4 month. My husband and I are trying to work things out. Here's the kicker... My H works with the woman he lived with and had a full relationship with for 18 months. As of right now they are pretty good about scheduling the two of them on separate days... I am NOT okay with the two of them working together, and I know that there will come a time when the will have to work side by side. (They are both cooks at a golf course - and when summer is in full swing and they are busy it will happen eventually.) Is it selfish of me to ask him to quit this job? Right now he is only working 12-15 hours per week, making only $11/hour. So... it's not like he is giving up a good paying job that is providing for his family. The problem is that he LOVES working at the golf course. They let him golf free, and it is a pretty easy - no responsibility no brainer job. But my heart of full of 1. HURT about them working together and 2. FEAR that it will eventually lead to something inappropriate again. Any thoughts?

If it's expensive definately sell it to make some $ back on it!!! Craigslist sounds like an idea!

I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I wish it was easier to deal with these kinds of issues... Heck, I wish these kinds of issues didn't exist. I am currently reconciling with my husband (who has more than just a porn addiction and left me while I was 2 months pregnant). It is HARD to deal with the porn. People who haven't been there do not understand the pain that feels like someone has stabbed you in the chest and you can't breath or think straight. I get it soooo much. (Right now my H is in such a fragile emotional state that we have not really discussed his addiction. That is going to be brought up next week at our counceling session, because I decided it needed to be address for me to continue in the relationship.) The biggest battle I am fighting is learning how to trust Heavenly Father and let the Spirit guide me in the situation. Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling what you are feeling. Being pregnant makes this 100 times harder for you! I KNOW from experience. Pray as much as you possibly can for peace of mind and for guidance from the Spirit on how to help your husband, if that is God's Will. If it hasn't been suggested yet, please contact someone you trust (maybe even your Bishop because of the privacy issues) and ask for a blessing! My heart goes out to you.... PM me if you need an ear or a sounding board.

Thank you! That was exactly it! I have been wanting to find it for months. :)

Or maybe it was a talk at Conference? It was about how we make choices, and sometimes the choices aren't exactly "bad" - but they aren't good either. Such as, I can sit down and watch a movie that isn't bad, but I should probably be using the time for scripture study, prayer, and things of that nature. Someone from church spoke on this a while back, and I know they based the talk off an atricle or GC talk. Any ideas?

Unfortunately he WAS the quorum president. That's why I never said anything to anyone.

Okay, I have pretty much been told by a priesthood holder once before that he did not think I needed a blessing. It was right after my husband I separated. I had had a blessing about 10 days before, but continued to be depressed and physically ill over the situation. I was told in not so many words that I had just had a blessing and that I did not need another one. This man had NO IDEA what I needed. I was going through a living hell, and I was pregnant and distraught. He told me this over the phone. He did not even find a companion to come over to my house to see if I really did or not, or if there is anything they could do for me besides a blessing. So, I would very strongly urge you to never blatantly tell someone that they do not need a blessing. Maybe the correct way to go about it is to pray with that person about whether or not it is what is truely needed in the situation. I cannot even begin to tell you the hurt and pain I felt over the situation I went through.

Okay, I don't have a ton of time to respond at the moment... but I want to say this. I have spent a lot of time today dwelling on the situation. I have come to the conclusion that I needed a change of heart. Again, there is NO DOUBT in my mind about what HF has asked me to do - and he has given me VERY SPECIFIC instructions about how to do it. So, I have spent the day praying that HF will soften MY heart. I pray that he will help me see the positive future I have been promised, instead of focusing on the negative that is before me. I have to remind myself that HF can see in others what we most of the time cannot - and that is their wonderful potential. HF (in my opinion) has fought very hard to get my husband to the gospel and now back to the gospel. It should speak volumes about my husband and his spirit and potential. :) I will be back later tonight. Oh, and I haven't mentioned that DH is diligently trying to quit smoking and abstain from coffee - which I overlooked as a possible cause for his moodiness. I should give him more credit and encouragemnent for that instead of focusing on his weaknesses.

I know that Satan is trying to work against me. It makes me sick that I am giving in to him... but at the same time I look at my H and I think why in the world would I want to spend and eternity with him... Sigh... Hopefully I can overcome this.

No, that's half the problem. I work full time in order to take care of and support my kids. It feels like I don't have any free time for me. I was hoping that would change when my H moved back in, but the kids don't want to spend time with thier dad - just mom (since that is what they are used to). One a side note, my H is staying at a job that only pays close to minimum wage and right now he is only getting less than 20 hours/week. Our counselor thinks that this is a very safe place for him to be right now, because asking him to find a different job would be too stressful for him to deal with. (He also works with the woman who he has lived with for the past year... and I really don't get a say in it. When I even mentioned to him that I was uncomfortable with this he came unglued.) We are in counseling. The counselor and I have had a pretty good relationship. She truely understands what I am being asked to do. She feels like she has had confirmation that I have been asked to help my H through his problems and grow and flourish in the gospel. Our counselor has warned me that NONE of the marriage problems can be addressed right off. She says that the marriage issues will be dealt with last, in order for my H to have time to heal as a person. She explained that in the mean time I would have to become as perfect as possible to foster a loving environment where my H can grow closer to the Savior and find the true peace and joy in gospel. How do I do this? For the most part I have forgiven my H... But that was when we weren't together. Now that we are living together it has brought back all the hurt and pain I have felt over the past 18 months. I went through almost my entire pregnancy alone. I had a baby ALONE. There were times that I sat awake at night wishing I was dead because I was so down and depressed. My H on the other hand jumped right into another relationship. While I was alone, he was in the arms of another woman living it up. I can't even begin to describe his emotional problems. I don't think that they are anything the qualifies him for disability. His problems are really self-made so to speak. He has bad habits and patterns that he needs to break free from. He suffers from depression. When things get difficult for him to deal with he "retreats" so to speak. While he will be here physically - emotionally he is completely shut off. If you are familiar at all with a narcissist, he has strong narcissistic traits. He also has a problem with lying. It has been tossed around that he may be a pathological liar. He says/does whatever will help him manipulate through life the easiest. But if Heavenly Father truely is asking me to help him, how can I just walk away? I know that nobody in this world would judge me harshly for it - but what happens when I get up to THE Judgement? I can't just walk away... but at the same time right now I am just suffering through this until I can get myself where I need to be.

I had another blessing today regarding the situation. Again, it told me almost exactly what I needed to do - and this time I was promised several things, including being sealed to my H in the temple. So why? Why don't I want to do this? Why don't I want to be with this man? This is what Heavenly Father wants and I don't want to do it. My H is so burried in his emotional problems that he is a huge burden to me. It is draining... It's like having another child in the house, when I wasn't even managing to survive with the 3 I really do have. What am I supposed to do???

Okay, I am looking for a way to filter out all the "bad" sites and pics on the web. I know there are programs out there. Can someone recommend one? Thanks!

Thanks guys... It probably was a PPI... my H said TPI, but it was told to him over the phone so it may not have been clear. :) I am very relieved that it isn't anything to worry about. I talked to DH tonight about some of what needs to happen between him and the church and he tensed up. He knows it's coming, but he just isn't ready to deal with it yet. I do have to hand it to him... It had to take A LOT to walk back through the doors of the church after everything we have been through and what has happened the past 18 months. It shows some character and an enormous potential. I'm proud of him.

Sorry if I am not supposed to post in the guys section. LOL My H (who has been inactive and blatantly not living the LDS standards - but is trying to come back to the church) got a call saying they wanted to meet with him for a TPI interview? What is it? I am a little worried because H has some emotional/mental issues that need to be dealt with before he needs confronted about how he has been living the past 18 months...

Dove - You have it exactly right. :) Thank you. I will write more later. I think I need a good cry right now.

When you don't want to do what Heavenly Father has asked you to do? Okay, it's not about the commandments or anything like that. It's about my husband. I have a few other posts on here about this issue. The story: We have been separated the past 18 months (including the time when our youngest was born a year ago). As circumstances would allow, we have been put in a position where it is possible to reconcile. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this. I KNOW Heavenly Father has intended me to be with this man, so I can help him and in return my H has a lot he can teach me (like patience, and such). But I have been sucked into the worldly views of our situation. It SUCKS that I have to be the one to forgive and extend such love and compassion to this man to be able to reconcile. Our counselor has already told me that H needs a lot of personal building and resolution of issues before we can even TOUCH the marital issues. Again, I KNOW this is what Heavenly Father wants of me. I just don't want to do it. What do I do? How do I stop feeling this way?

I am going to add a little information and answer some of the questions/suggestions... (I have to add that I was very down yesterday, and today I am doing much better.) I cannot even begin to convey the feelings/promptings the Spirit has given me about this man. I have been prompted our entire marriage that I was to stick things out and be an example to my family. I prayed and prayed about filing for divorce after we separated. I COULD NOT get a confirmation that divorce was the correct thing to do. (Yes, even after I KNEW that he was seeing another woman and had already started down a destructive path.) It was around this time that I fell into a DEEP depression. Essentially I revolted and decided to file for divorce anyway. I rationalized it that I need the child support (but still chose divorce over legal separation). I feel like this was probably a large reason why I was depressed. I was turning away the Spirit and not following the promptings I was receiving. I saw an LDS counselor immediately after our separation (individually first). We then went on to have a couple of joint sessions. I explained to this counselor everything I had felt and been told/promised in blessings about my husband. After praying about me/my situation/my husband she believes that she received guidance and confirmation that I was on the right track doing EVERYTHING I possibly could to work things out with this man. I hold the firm belief that I was put into this man's life to guide and help heal this broken man. I see so much possibility in this man. I have learned not to use wordly standards to measure him. Instead I pray for guidance to see him how Heavenly Father sees him. I look for his potential. I remember the light he carried about him shortly before and after his baptism. I see that he gets pulled down by the worldly challenges. I see that there can be a time in his life where he will overcome his limitations. My husband and I have talked quite a bit lately. I do see the moments when he is deeply sincere about our situation. I see the grief and anguish that is starting to surface over some of the decisions he has made. I also watch him burry those feelings and allow them to become superficial because he IS afraid of the hurt, pain and anguish he KNOWS he needs to feel and at some time HAS to feel. He has watched tears come to my eyes when I talk about the hurt that I have felt because of his choices - and he has fought back his own tears. I also tell him that my hurt is in NO WAY a relection of his worth as an eternal being He has made some bad choices but he can repent and be forgiven by his Father (as I have already forgiven him). YES, his timing was very convenient. But, I also know that it was a sequence of events that needed to take place to bring him to point he is at now. He has told me that when he suggested that he wanted to come back to his family - he NEVER expected me to agree. He was thrown for a loop when I said we could continue to work things out. My big hang up right now is that to the world I appear to be stupid. It appears that this man has suckered me into taking him back because he needed a place to stay. The truth is that I have had the Spirit with me when I made the decisions to continue to work on my marriage. I still get huge flashes of doubt, which I attribute to the adversary wanting to throw me off again. I could write novels about my feelings and emotions surrounding this whole situation... Sorry. :)