JudoMinja
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Posts posted by JudoMinja
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I was in a similar situation with my soon-to-be-ex. I actually did send him an email letting him know he was forgiven, but that was more for myself than for him. I knew how he would respond to it and that it wouldn't be any help to him. His response was quite bitter, but it helped me. I felt as though there were some things I'd done in the relationship I owed him an apology for, or I would never have sent the message.
While what he'd done to me was far worse than anything I'd done to him, I still wanted to be fully repentant and gain some closure on the matter. Other than that, I have had no contact with him and plan on maintaining that no-contact.
In your case, I do not think it is necessary for you to inform him that you've forgiven him. Anything you are feeling contrary to this decision, is probably old guilt cropping up. Abusers are good at making you feel guilty when there is absolutely no reason for it. You were probably feeling as though it is your fault he hasn't moved on because you haven't let him know you forgive him. It's not your fault.
If his email were asking if there was anything he could do to make restitution for what he'd done, reassuring you that he understood if you did not reply because he did not expect you to, that he did not want you to let him know anything about your whereabouts he just wanted to let you know he was sorry and you won't ever have to worry about him coming after you again... THEN I'd say it MIGHT be safe to offer him some kind of response.
As this wasn't the case though, I'd say keeping the no-contact rule is important for your safety. You know you've forgiven him. God knows you've forgiven him. You've moved on. He should move on to. He doesn't need a response from you to fix his life.
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Thanks again to everyone. Going through the process of writing this down so I could post it on here was helpful, as it made what was happening more clear even to myself. The kind words of advice were wonderful and helped me see what I was missing. The more forceful advice (Alana :) thanks) helped give me a mental boost.
I will see him again tomorrow at institute, and that is when I plan on taking care of the matter. I'm writing down what I plan on saying so I can rehearse it and get it rooted in me so when I freak out like I know I'm going to I don't forget it. I'm going to show it to a friend at institute and tell them not to let me leave without saying that to him so I can't run away from it.
Thank you all. I know I need to stand up for myself and quit beating around the bush. Perhaps, this is what this whole thing all boils down to, why the Lord put this guy in my path at this time. Without an experience like this to give me the courage to face confrontation, I'd probably always be running away from guys and relationships. I know there are many men out there like this and I'm sure to run into more, so I need to be prepared and I need to build some confidence in my ability to handle letting them go.
I will check this board again before going to institute tomorrow as I have one last question. Any further advice on how to fight the fear? Mostly now, as I picture this conversation happening, images of fights with my husband keep popping in my head. It's very unnerving, and no matter what I do I can't seem to shake them. Even now, I'm freezing up at the thought of it.
I know he's not my husband and this won't happen. I'll be confronting him in a public place with other people around so I know there's no real danger to be afraid of, even if he would react with anger which I doubt. That knowledge though, doesn't seem to be transferring to the logical part of my brain to that flight instinct so I can calm down.
So, if anyone has any other thoughts on how I can force these images aside and focus on a good outcome for the upcoming confrontation I would really appreciate it.
Thanks.
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This is also another really easy one. Have one of your bigger guy friends confront him on your behalf using fear to deter any further contact. :)
I'll do it. Im not big and scary, in fact Im really kinda beautiful, but I get the message across in no uncertain terms.
Lol. Unfortunately I have no bigger guy friends around here. Just my dad and my brother. So, it's kinda up to me. My dad's willing to help but he's more of an avoidance kind of person (like me). My brother... *shrug*. He seems convinced that this guy will just grow on me and his determination is a sign that he'll do whatever it takes to be with me, even change the things I don't like. Hah. That's just looking for abuse.
So, my dad said he'll talk to the bishop. I'm going to talk to the institute teacher on Wednesday. And I've really got to suck it up and put him in his place verbally. That's the hardest part. In fact, just thinking about it scares me to death. That, I think, is where I really need the help.
The first post was really just a vent and trying to figure out what to do now. Now, I know what I need to do, but I've got to work up the guts to do it.
I used to be scared of confrontation before I even got in an abusive relationship. I never raise my voice for anything, and people are always shocked if I ever seem even slightly upset. So, it takes something big to get me into a confrontation.
In high school, my best-friend was used by a guy for sex and I stood up to him and told him off for it. It took just about everything out of me to do that, and I was shaking afterwards.
Now, just thinking about it brings on that shaky fear, so I don't know how I'm going to manage to even DO it. If I ever said anything even remotely forceful or even just had a bit of a frustrated tone in my voice over something with my husband, I ended up getting beat for it. Since I've left, the worst confrontation I've been in is a heated argument/misunderstanding with my mom in which I ended up fleeing to my room and crying.
That was my mom. Someone I trust and talk to all the time. Someone I know very well and understand very well. And yet, I was still terrified. Just the tension reminded me of that relationship.
How do I stand my ground and tell this guy firmly enough that he understands to back off, when it scares me this much?
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Thanks to everyone that's answered so far. It's all stuff I needed to hear. It seems that mainly I need to get over my fear of confrontation and be straight-forward, blunt, and tell him to let things go to his face. It's going to be hard for me, but I think it will be good for me. Secondly, getting help and support from those around me (thanks wingnut :) ).
If anyone has any more advice I'd be glad to hear it. Probably what I really need- if there is any- is ways to overcome my fear so I can do what I know I need to and stand my ground with him in person instead of just in writing. Body language obviously hasn't worked, so I'm going to have to be verbal, which is definitely not my forte.
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My step dad has a few guns if you want to pick one.
Lol. My dad has a gun too.
Seriously though, that does seem a sticky situation. You might consider asking your bishop for advice. Even if he can't really give any, you still have the upper hand. What I mean is that if the bishop knows the story before hand, then if you do confront the guy and he doesn't like it then he can't try to defame you.
After my talk with my parents last night, my dad said he would talk to the bishop about it, which is nice. I had talked with him about it at the time I'd decided to tell the guy no, when I thought the pursuit was going to come to an end. Now, my dad says he's going to see if the bishop can get him to back off more for me, so I don't have to be confrontational (my dad really hates confrontation too and understands), as this guy technically isn't even supposed to be coming to our ward but another ward. I didn't know which ward was his, because he claimed he had no idea where his records are and isn't sure, but my dad is the ward clerk and says he told him which ward he's supposed to be in.
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You wrote that you are coming out of an abusive relationship. Often the abusive relationship is one of possession and control. Many different things can trigger abuse but one of those causes can be a lack of control on the other party’s part. It seems this gentleman is trying to control you, or refocus you attention/affection to him. It’s as if he wants to be the center of your universe.
Because he continues to pursue you and doesn’t take “No” as an answer I think he could be just as dangerous as the one you are divorcing. You may have to explain this to knucklehead.
Thats something that worries me too. He keeps trying to reassure me that he'd never treat me the way my husband did, but what he's doing right now is pretty much just that. He's not listening to my concerns or feelings on the matter and keeps pursuing what he wants. I worry that if I were to have a relationship with him I'd get walked all over at the very least, if not abused all over again. It's the biggest thing that helped me come to my decision to tell him no.
Your son and his well being (emotions) should be the primary concern or the “center of your universe right now (I’m not so much lecturing you here as I am trying to give you something to explain to the knucklehead pursuing you).
Exactly. I haven't been that blunt with him on that yet, but I think I should.
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Personally? I would stop all communication with the guy. Tell him up front, stop talking to me, stop contacting me. I would stop going to the movie theater for a while--do movies at home in the meantime. If he sits by you at church, I would look ata him in the eye and get up and move to another seat.
That's what I feel like needs to happen before he gets it, and I think I needed to hear that from someone else. It's just really hard for me to be so blunt and harsh like that. That's why my original no was in a letter. It's easier for me to tell people things that are really important to me in writing, because then they have time to assess my thoughts before I see them again in person. It's a way for me to avoid confrontation.
I know thats not exactly healthy, that some confrontation is necessary, and my counselor talked to me about this too. Lol. She says I'm REALLY good at avoiding confrontation. It's the way I've always been and the abuse I went through certainly didn't make it any better.
Anyway, I guess now I'm just trying to syche myself up to do exactly that.
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Ok, so there is a guy that has been interested in me since just before Thanksgiving. For those who don't already know my story- I am still technically married and going through a divorce, so when he asked me on a date I told him no. He already knew I was going through a divorce or he would never have asked as the ring on my finger is quite obvious, but after I said no, he said he'd still like to get to know me and what would I be okay with.
I told him friendly communication in writing and/or in groups would be allowable as, of course, such things do occur between friends. It seemed I gave him an inch and he took a mile, which by now I'm seeing seems to be his motto.
He won't stop talking about marriage. He says he's prayed about us and he knows I'm "the one". Funny that when I took the time to pray about it I felt more like the Lord was saying "this one's up to you". I think God wanted me to go through the decision-making process, to get to know the guy and assess his character before coming to my answer. Doing so has been good for me, as my previous relationship was my ONLY relationship and was abusive. I needed a little experience in a healthy relationship, and when I got to know him well enough that I came to the conclusion NO I felt at peace with my decision.
His biggest problem, the one that's got me perturbed, is that he WON'T take no for an answer. He won't QUIT. When I was still in the get-to-know-you stage, I had to reset the boundaries twice as he tried to move in too fast, becoming romantic when now clearly isn't the time for it.
I've told him that anything romantic right now would be adulterous, and while he agreed it seemed as though he didn't really care. I've told him it makes me uncomfortable, and he always stops and apologizes but that doesn't change the fact that he KEEPS TRYING. It's like he thinks its better to ask forgiveness than permission.
A couple examples.
My family likes to go to the movies on Monday nights if there is a good one playing at the cheap theater in our town. When I was still comfortable with the situation, I told him about it and invited him along. Since then, he has come whether invited or not. As it is a public place I can't really say don't come. However, the last time he came, he spent practically the entire movie trying to get me to hold hands with him. I was even curled up leaning all the way over to the opposite seat, and he kept reaching for my hand. Eventually he tapped me, gave me a pouty look and motioned with his hand and I had to say, flat out, NO.
Then, today- He's been sitting with us at church and coming with me to help with my son while I teach my primary class, again univited. I don't mind the help, so I didn't turn it down, and it would be perfectly all right if he'd keep his "romancing" in check. However, during sacrament he started rubbing my back. I turned away, leaned away, put my son between us, even scooched away before he finally asked me if it was making me uncomfortable.
I DON'T want to marry this guy. He's not a bad guy, but he's definitely not the one for me. He's far too overbearing, and I'm too afraid of confrontation to say anything to his face. I already told him my stance in a letter. I explained that my decision on the matter is no, that I feel his behavior has proven he is far too impatient and he should look for a marriage with someone else, that there are other things about his personality I've observed that simply make us imcompatible even though they aren't really wrong and I wouldn't expect him to change them- just things that show we wouldn't get along as a married couple and he should look for someone else, that I'm simply not ready for a relationship on any level especially considering I'm still married, and it's just quite simply NO.
But he still doesn't get it. He thinks that letter was a test, that I am trying to test his patience. I wrote that letter a few weeks ago and the thing at church happened TODAY. Any moment that we are around each other (church, institute, and the rare occassion that my family wants to invite him along for something like one of those Monday night movies), he's always trying to pull me aside so we can have private chats on "where we stand", "how's he doing", trying to prove to me that things will work out. He's stuck on US.
Then, when he can't pull me aside, he keeps making little comments about things like "What would you do without me" - (usually when he's doing something with my son that he likes), or "I would never do that to you" - (when a comment about stuff my husband would do comes up), or "You know I'll take care of you", or "Anything you need or I can do for you, you just let me know and I'll be there at the drop of a hat". And he's always asking me if I talk to people about him. Whenever I bring up something about a conversation I've had with someone he asks this- my counselor, my mom and dad, my brother, the bishop...
It's downright annoying, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of him, but I've already cut off all non-public interaction. I can't tell him not to come to institute. I can't tell him not to come to church. I can't tell him not to come to the theater. I already talked to my parents about it, and they aren't going to invite him along on any family things anymore. He's still there, he's still bugging me, and even though I thought I made it quite obvious I'm not interested he still talks to me about marriage and keeps trying to prove himself to me and keeps trying to be romantic.
So, what do I do now? I'm open to any and all suggestions. Frankly, I'm just fed up.
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I dont think you really want to open dialog about these quotes you have put on here. I think you want to cause contention and cause doubts for people who are earnestly seeking to know what the church teaches and how REAL members feel and think.
Have you read the discussion on here? I don't see any contention. It surely doesn't look to me like anyone is being filled with doubts. I think Seattle really wanted to see others thoughts on this.
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Probably the best approach you could take to this is a lot of introspection. People aren't perfect, and it can be very difficult when others seem judgmental, especially if they are harrassing you and it seems like no one wants to help. However, it is your choice how you decide to handle this.
You don't need to share the details of your situation on here, but you should give those details a lot of study and thought. Don't worry or fret about what others have done wrong. Instead focus on yourself and figure out how you can improve how you are dealing with this. It is rare that there is a completely guiltless party in a disagreement, even if that responsibility is minimal. Maybe the only thing you have done wrong is to be unforgiving?
Figure out where YOU'VE been going wrong, and apologize where necessary. Then, let go of what the others have done wrong. If you take the higher road and do what you can to help those who are not treating you appropiately, your behavior will stand as an example and they SHOULD recognize their own pettiness and come to their senses.
My brother once had a problem with a kid at school that picked on him all the time. He would get bullied and beat up on a regular basis. My dad's advice to him when this kid tried to steal his bike was to give him the helmet too. At one point, we even made cookies and brought them over to his family.
You're right that it is wrong for them to try to push you into conforming and make you take responsibility for what your friend did. However, you can choose to let it go.
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Hmmm... Sounds really good to me. I enjoyed reading it. The only suggestions I can think of is that I agree with you that it seems very detailed. While I like detail, I think its a bit much for a talk given on Sunday.
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Of course there are things more important than housework. :) We shouldn't be spending all our time cleaning. No home can ever be spotless. There is always more to do. But having a clean and organized home can contribute to the level of happiness. Cleanliness reduces stress.
Every home will have its disorderly areas, moments, etc. I believe a home should look lived in and not like a museum.
When it comes time to focus on the more important things, that is what we should be doing. If we are excessively and obsessively cleaning, we will not be focused on really caring for our families our building ourselves spiritually. The whole point is to be clean enough that we can focus our time on the more important things, not always cleaning and sacrificing those things to clean.
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If his remorse is TRUE remorse, he should be willing to seek outside help. He should be willing to do whatever YOU say needs to be done to make things right again. In a situation like yours, it just plain isn't safe for you to be there with him, as many on here have voiced.
If both of you really want to work things out, one of the best things you can do is separate yourselves from the toxicity of the relationship, seek out counseling and healing where you are safe, and when you have recovered give it another try. If he isn't willing to do this, then he isn't willing to fix things. He just wants to lull you into a false sense of security so he can exhert his power over you again and get you back under his contol.
Being apart from each other is the key. It is not possible for a relationship in the state yours is in to heal on its own, and it takes time. You cannot give him that time when doing so increases the chances that you or your children will be hurt. If he can recognize that separation is necessary for your safety and that he needs to get himself better BEFORE you take a step back into the relationship, there may be hope. MAY be. There is still much to be done, and it is possible that too much damage has already been done.
No matter what, get out of there and stay out of there. You can all heal in a safe environment, individually. You need to focus on your healing process and taking care of your kids. He needs to focus on his healing process. At that point, you can still decide. You may decide to give it another go, or you may decide to end the relationship.
Never forget that the most important thing is safety. If you do not FEEL safe, you AREN'T safe. Trust your instincts. Trust your gut. Trust the spirit. Without safety, there is nothing, and if you fail to keep your children safe you will always regret this opportunity you had to get away.
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My husband would use abusive tactics of every shape and size- emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical. He isolated me from friends and family, leaving me completely helpless and dependant on him. When I didn't behave in the manner he wanted me to while we were in public, he would threaten to leave me to fend for myself and many times would go so far as walking away. This terrified me, because I had nothing without him. I was pregnant and had no money, no vehicle, no phone, nothing. I did not even have a key to our apartment and could only get in or out if he was there.
I stayed because I was not capable of going anywhere else and did not have anywhere else to go anyway. When things got bad enough that I contemplated leaving, he would do everything he could to make me stay. He started with guilt. He loved me, and if I left I didn't love him. He needed me to take care of him, and if I left he'd be helpless (he had a back injury and couldn't get a job or even do most basic house work). Then came the fear. If I left, someone would find me and rape me. I needed him to protect me, because I was too dense to realize how dangerous the city was. Finally, the force. He'd restrain me, cage me in, and beat me.
My only purpose in life, when I was with him, was to cater to his every need. If I didn't, I'd meet his wrath. I was a broken woman.
Before him, I was so enthusiastic, trusting, open, friendly, optimistic. I am still amazed at how quickly and easily I fell down the path that changed me. I became so paranoid that I was constantly walking on egg-shells, waiting for the next blow up. I became so depressed that I didn't care if I lived or died. The only reason I'm even alive today is because of my son. If it hadn't been for him, I either would have committed suicide or my husband would have killed me.
It took him beating me while I held my four-month-old baby, causing me to almost drop him, for me to realize what a horrible situation I was in. I had to leave in order to protect my son from harm. Though I didn't care about my own life, I knew that baby needed me and I needed to get away.
The planning was difficult. I had to keep up the facade that everything was okay. Everything I did to prepare, I had to do while he was asleep, because there was no other option. I had to open a new email account he knew nothing about, because he knew my password and checked all my emails both incoming and outgoing. I couldn't talk on the phone with anyone without him right beside me wanting to know everything that was said. I couldn't go anywhere without his approval, and he kept close track of the time I was gone- if I was ever gone longer than expected he'd question what I was doing. I managed to arrange to leave while he was at a meeting with his probation officer. I went to stay with some college friends for a night while waiting for my ride home to arrive. My best friend picked me up from half-way across the United States and took me to my parents house.
Once he realized I was gone, he tried everything to get me back, but all he could do was email me, as I'd left him a note in email explaining my disappearance. He didn't know where I'd gone, and he had no other way to contact me. His emails were full of threats. He said he was going to accuse me of kidnapping. He even filed a missing persons report, and I had to explain why I'd left when the cops called. They said they'd tell him I was safe and that'd be it. Now, it seems that he's given up, and I'm glad because my divorce is almost ready to be finalized.
Going through this experience really opened my eyes. I've been going to counseling, and I checked out every book I could find from the library on domestic violence so I could learn more. Other members of the church in my ward and institute class have told me their own experiences of abuse. I've seen others on here telling tales of abuse. I wasn't planning on bringing this topic up on here, but now I feel this is one of the reasons the Lord inspired me to start posting on the LDS online forums.
I believe that sharing experiences can help others realize they are not alone. They can compare their own experiences to those of others and find similarities. People who have not been through abuse can read these experiences, learn what to watch for, and avoid it. While there are already many resources online to teach people warning signs, I think this thread can be an outreach to others in the online LDS community. Any and every way I can help, I would like to.
From my own study and experience, I've identified several warning signs:
An abuser will:
1. Monopolize your time.
2. Isolate you.
3. Guilt you.
4. Threaten you.
5. Intimidate you.
6. Use you.
An abuser mindset is all about control. They will do whatever they can to keep you in their control. You must spend all your time with them. You cannot talk to others about them. If your every thought and action isn't directed toward them, you do not love them or care about them enough. If you ever go against them you'd better be prepared to deal with their temper.
It starts out as a seemingly overwhelming outpouring of love and attention, but over time, as you try to keep your own life, it will become clear that this outpouring is a way to get you into their control.
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I do not think that the energy of children is the same type of chaos as that which results from a lack of organization. Perhaps, if the parents are not organized in the care and teaching of their children it can become so, but I think that when we can keep ourselves and our families neat, tidy, and orderly- putting things where they belong and following a schedule, such chaos can be avoided.
It is definitely difficult to keep children focused on productive activities. They can get into all kinds of mishceif is we aren't prepared with things for them to do. That's why parenting is a full-time job
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Seeker, this is because non-LDS folks are missing an important piece of the puzzle of the Plan of Salvation. For them, there is only heaven or hell. Yes, if you are born again in Christ you attain heaven. It would be pretty bad to say, yes Jesus atoned for your sins but you're going to hell anyway - which, by the way, is fire and brimstone stuff.
It is when you add the degrees of glory to heaven that works make more sense.
Yeah, when you look at it that way, and all the degrees of glory are just "heaven", then works really aren't all that necessary. Especially since the LDS definition of hell (outer darkness) is being cut off from the presence of God, and such a state is only alloted to the Sons of Perdition- those who followed Satan in the first place, murderers- and even they are given a chance to acheive some degree of glory after they've attoned for their own sin, and those who deny the Holy Ghost- must deny what you KNOW to qualify.
As there are very few people who fit into those categories, there are very few people who will go to hell. So, everyone else gets to go to heaven. No matter what you do (pretty much), you're going to heaven.
The key, as you said, is in the degrees of glory. While just about everyone will make it to "heaven", only those who build themselves into a more Christlike people through their works, fulfill their covenants, and endure to the end will make it to the highest degree of glory- the full presence of God and the greatest most wonderful degree of heaven which all WORKS driven LDS members are striving to attain.
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Since I have started posting on this forum, I have realized that there are many women on here that have been through and/or are currently going through abusive relationships. I thought it might be useful for people with knowledge on this troubling experience to share their thoughts and advice.
Most importantly, this thread should 1. be a help to those trying to determine whether or not their own relationship is leading toward domestic violence, 2. identify warning signs so such relationships can be avoided, and 3. aid those in recovery through the healing process.
There is support in numbers, and when our eyes are opened we may be able to keep each other safe.
The prophets have voiced their concern on this matter, and domestic violence is one of the few cases in which a temple divorce may be offered. Sadly, this phenomenon has become far too common, even amongst members of the church. Even when the church was starting, members were given counsel on this in D&C as several men were exercising unrighteous dominion in their homes (wish I could remember the exact reference).
One of the most damaging results of such a relationship is the broken spirit of the abused. Anyone having been duped by this false love can testify of the tainted heart, mind, and soul that follows. A world once full of hopeful possibilities is now full of depressing and frightening dead ends. Here is a little something you may relate to:
Her story was exactly the same as so many others. A sweet innocent girl, thirsting for love and affection, gave her heart to a man. She was taken in by his lies, the chivalrous shell that hid a rotten core. Her trust, her love, her hope and dreams all became wrapped up in him. She was strong, wild, and independent, filled with brightness and optimism. Then he broke her. Like an untamed filly he whipped her into submission, until she lost her fury.
She became as a caged tigress. Her unruly spirit trapped in fear, doubt, anxiety, and pain. Ensorcelled and trapped by his promises of love and affection, of care and protection. She refused her opportunities to escape. She could see her freedom, wide open and waiting beyond the bars of her prison, but she would not take the necessary leap to freedom, for to do so would bring his anger upon her. Lulled into a false state of comfort, a dependence on her captor, and a fear of the world beyond the security of the known, she could not escape, for she had not the desire.
Then, a pup was born to her in the midst of her captivity. A motherly instinct she never knew she had gave her the will to press on, to survive, to fight back and defend the small life that was truly dependent on her care, incapable of fending for itself. Fighting only brought on more suffering, and her fire was suffused once again until she meekly bore her trials, doing everything in her power to keep her youngling from harm.
When the life of her helpless babe came nearer and nearer to harm, she saw her captor for what he was. No more could she bare the back of his hand. No more could she tolerate the roar of his might. And so she took the only option allotted her- when the opportunity presented itself, she fled.
Now, she seeks to fend for herself and her offspring in a cruel and unforgiving world. She presses forward, when circumstance stands against her. She provides for her child, and though she is bodily free, her spirit no longer soars the heavens it once knew. She does not spread her wings to seek another- she does not open her heart to the skies. The damage has been done.
Broken memories, invisible wounds, compounded fears, and twisted thoughts all barricade the way. She does not have it in herself to offer up her soul again. She will not trust another with her love, for she feels that there are none to be trusted. If the man to whom she gave her all could break her heart, how could she ever believe in the sincerity of another mans promise?
The details of her tale matter not, excepting that the details make the tale her own. The core is that of a tried and true condition. Innocence is broken when entrusted to one who seeks to exercise control over his spouse. It is a timeless story that, though we learn from it, always finds itself repeated. Dog, horse, beast, and woman- all creatures that find themselves in camaraderie to man share this experience. Men who abuse their partnership, ruin the spirits of their companions.
How are we to learn from this tale? Will we ever break the cycle of repetition? Will the submissive ever be free from dominion? Will the strong ever respect their position of power? It seems there will always be those who will be subjected to such experience, as there will always be those who place their trust too easily and those who feel it necessary to rule ruthlessly. There are two behaviors that must change. However, there is only one that is hurt, damaged, and over-run by the relationship. An unequal trade.
Wars are fought of all sizes. On the battlefields of Rome, in the conquest of the West, between man and the very earth that gives him life, and within our homes. The dominant demand the obedience of the submissive, and it is the submissive who suffer. Are the strong, the rulers, the makers of the world truly the better? Or are those destroyed by his overbearing pride those who found the true wisdom? Where is the equality? Where is the balance? Such was not meant to be a relationship of master and servant, but of two equal parties. How are we to learn from the lesser, if the lesser is destroyed? How is the lesser to thrive, if the greater does not provide the opportunity?
Avoiding connection seems the only way to prevent damage, but aversion also removes the opportunity for experience. So where does the damaged heart go? How does a wounded bird heal? What does it take to mend a broken spirit? Who can a battered woman trust?
I would like to see what others have to say on the three points above before I add my own two cents, and so here it is. What words of wisdom can you offer for those going through this heart-breaking, home-shattering struggle?
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I am certain that most have heard the phrase “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” How many truly understand its meaning? How many can bear testimony of the ways in which the principle of organization and cleanliness has blessed their lives? I can testify to you that if you can take the time to be clean and orderly, your lives will be blessed for your efforts.
To be organized is to follow God’s example. His house is a house of order. Everything has a place, a direction, and a time for its action. His work cannot be accomplished except by following this order. All His requirements must be fulfilled and in the manner that he has set forth. We cannot repent without first having faith in Christ. We cannot be baptized until we come before Him with a purified and repentant heart. We cannot receive the gift of the Holy Ghost without first being baptized. The knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of His truths will not come upon us without relying on the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
The order of the Priesthood is organized in a likewise manner. Each power is granted in a particular order, each building upon one another, received line upon line, precept upon precept. The Priesthood is the power to act in His name with His authority, and He grants portions of that power to individuals in the best way to maximize their understanding of the gift they have been given. Deacons, at twelve, can help pass the sacrament. Teachers, at fourteen, aid in the preparation of that sacrament. Then Priests, at sixteen, may bless the sacrament and perform baptisms. Those found worthy and ready to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood step into this higher order and are granted further powers and authority.
The church itself is organized to help the members obtain the greatest benefit from their meetings. Sacrament meeting is led by a Bishop with the help of his counselors. The meeting is opened with song and prayer. The members attuned to their purpose in being their through another song before the administering of the sacrament. Following this, speakers give talks or lessons directed by the spirit to teach the members of the ward in a manner specific to their needs. Everyone then splits into age specific groups for further instruction directed to their group. They are then split once more into men and women to receive even more specific instruction. This organization maximizes the learning of all.
Direction for the church is given to those with the authority to receive it and put it into action. The prophet receives revelation for the entire church, giving all members and even the entire world much needed guidance. This is broad and all encompassing, as one man would have difficulty meeting all the specific needs of every individual. To give this more specific direction, the authority to direct and lead has been split and delegated. The twelve apostles offer added instruction and visit members in all parts of the world. The quorum of the seventy and general area authorities receive revelation to guide more specific areas. These are further split into stakes, wards, and branches. And finally, on the most intimate level, our home and visiting teachers are given revelation to help specific families.
Without this wonderful organization, it would be impossible for the church to progress. Without order, there can be no direction. Without guidance, everything would scatter helter-skelter. Leaving everything to random chance and happen-stance would result in all things eventually being dissipated and disappearing. Chaos- the stark opposite of organization. Chaos leads only to utter confusion and destruction.
How many of us are living lives drowning in chaos? The world is flooded with the chaos of misdirection and misperception. People are rushing to and fro, always in a hurry, never knowing what they should be doing or where they should be going until moments before. Important papers and documents are lost in chaotic homes. Stress levels build among piles of clutter and mess. Instead of taking time to clean and organize, many prefer the “easy” route of letting things go, obtaining meals that require little to no preparation, buying new products to replace their ruined ones rather than give them the care that will make them last. While the conveniences of the modern world can be a great help, living in this way will strain even the strongest individuals.
Cleanliness and organization takes time and effort, but it is worth it. A clean and organized home brings peace and calm to the family. People feel happier and more relaxed when everything has a place and can always be found in its place. Our physical, mental, and spiritual health are all heightened when time is taken to keep things orderly. Belongings, space, time, and talents should all be kept neat and orderly.
Children find themselves calmer and more at ease when their lives follow a schedule. Take a high-schooler for example: The student is expected to rise early so they may attend seminary at six in the morning, returns home to prepare for school at eight-thirty. While in school, they attend the same classes which always start and end at the same times. If they participate in after-school activities, they know where and when they are expected to be there. When they return home, they have a few moments to relax before they are expected to do their chores. The family eats dinner together at the table. Then homework is completed before going to bed to rest for the new day.
Such a schedule puts the student at ease, for they know what is expected of them and they know what to expect of their schedule. Busy and having little time to spare, the student is fully occupied with good things- building their spiritual understanding through extra-curricular activities, helping in the home with family chores, connecting with parents and siblings through a shared meal and conversation, acting responsibly in completing the work expected of them, and getting much needed rest to prepare their bodies for another stimulating day.
Summer vacation is quite different by comparison. Without any schedule or expectations; children run rampant until they can think of nothing more to do and then promptly become bored. Given no direction, they give their lives up to chaotic living and soon find themselves unhappy.
It is more than simple happiness at stake, however. We must take cleanliness and organization seriously. Our life here on earth has been compared to a battlefield, for that is exactly what it is. Our time on earth is a war for our souls. Satan is ever vigilant, ever seeking to thrust the world into chaos. To do so would make his task easier, his task being to bring about utter grief and misery, binding the souls of men in the chains of sin. It is the organized army which comes out conqueror.
When a force enters the battlefield, the enemy can easily overcome and conquer one that spreads itself chaotically in every direction. Each man for himself will eventually lead to the fall of every individual. An organized force is stronger. Following the direction of a good leader, strategically placed to see the entire field, even a small force can conquer the enemy.
Keeping ourselves organized will bring peace to our minds and ease to our hearts. We will be better prepared to face the trials of the world when we are organized. Scouts are taught to be prepared. We are counseled to be prepared. How can we be prepared if we are not organized? Many problems, errors, illnesses, and stresses can be averted through good organization. This is why cleanliness is next to godliness. Time and effort is better spent on things that will build, uplift, and bring us closer to God when we are not drowned in chaos.
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This quote from your post really offends me! I have made the choice to stay in this marriage as we are counseled to "Turn the other cheek, be Christlike/Forgive, Never get divorced, etc." I have tried for 13 years to be the best person I could in my situation. I have been here to give my husband every opportunity. And I thought I was doing the best for my children in trying everything to make things work.
Then came the time two weeks ago when I found and posted my situation on this forum.
I realized that enough is enough. I feel as though you are insinuating I am a stupid beaten down lady. I'm actually very smart and successful. After my marriage dissolves I don't believe I will ever remarry.
I understand how you feel. I felt the same way with my husband. There is a scripture in D&C (can't remember the exact reference, but I will look it up when I get a moment to do so) that gave me great comfort after I decided to leave him. I too felt like I needed to turn the other cheek and that leaving was very unChristlike. However, this scripture explained how we should handle a situation where an "enemy" comes against our family.
We should forgive them, yes. As long as they approach us repentantly. However, the Lord will not hold it against us if we decide to deal justly with them should they not repent. If the offender has not been repentant, we are not required to forgive. This is the councel offered for the first three times an enemy commits an offense against our family. The fourth time, we are to allow judgement to take hold on the offender.
I feel this fits the repetitive nature of an abusive home. The Lord understands what you are going through, and he wants you to know that you do not need to keep turning the other cheek forever. When it comes to defending yourself and your family, you can return righteous judgement upon your enemies.
Also, I do not think LM meant to insinuate that you are a stupid beaten down lady. The sad fact of the matter is, most women in abusive relationships get stuck in a cycle, either returning again and again to the same abuser or falling victim to multiple abusers over and over again. If you seek out counseling (and I think you should- I have and have found it very helpful), the main purpose of your visits will be to teach you how to recognize warning signs and what to do so that you do not end up in a repeat relationship.
I know I am a smart and successful person as well. I was shocked that I even ended up in an abusive home, because I thought it was only dim-witted, bar-hopping, sex-driven women that ended up with abusive men. But here I am, in the middle of a divorce, because my husband used to beat me into submission. Repetition can easily happen, even when you are sure you are smart enough to avoid it. Just thinking you are too smart to end up like that again can be a sign of pride that will cloud your mind, because you will be unwilling to accept helpful advice.
Abusers know how to be subtle. They know how to work their way into your life and increase their control gradually so that you hardly recognize it. The only way you will not end up in an abusive relationship again is if you learn how to watch for and recognize early warning signs of potential abuse. Never remarrying may seem like the right answer now- I know I considered it, but you will never receive the full blessings of heaven if you do not seek out your eternal companion.
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I jumped on a ninja riding a motorcycle because the voices told me to.
I'm a crazy, ninja-jumping stunt-man. WOO!
Holy crap! Why are you jumping on me?! O.o
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You know, the thing is, I'm not worried about the users that post on this forum. What worries me is the anonymous reader that isn't registered that reads the forum pages. Or the registered user that reads just to find this information. In other words, I'm not worried about the forum community. I'm worried about who else might read it.
I'm a little disappointed it took me so long to realize it though.
I understand completely. I didn't realize it until I read your post about being worried about it. I could go back and change mine, but.... I'm not really all that worried about people figuring out my birthday. *shrugs* My identity is changing soon anyway.
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JudoMinja bet you cleared the closet to get the color of shirt you needed :0) lololololol
If I'd needed to, I probably would have.
But nope, I'm just lucky! 
.......
Lucky cuz I'm a ninja!
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Sounds like he just proved the point, that he is definitely abusive and he refuses to accept his responsibility in the matter. Good job handling things in a constructive manner even though he refused to be constructive with you.
Remember, a relationship only works when both parties do their part. His blaming you clearly shows he is not doing his part nor is he willing to. The faster you can get him out of your life and the lives of your children the better.
Get all the help you can from outside sources, and keep communicating with people. Make sure you have someone to call in case of an emergency, and a place to escape should it become necessary. Should his abuse show any signs of becoming physical don't hesitate to up the notch and flee the situation.
No possession is more important than your life and the lives of your children. If he won't leave the house and you feel threatened and unsafe, get out of there.
If it were me, I would go ahead and file for the divorce and a restraining order right now. Since the mortgage is in your name, he can't say you're kicking him out of his house.
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I karate chopped a banana in an elevator because I'm a NINJA!
(Sweet.
I love the way that worked out)
Masturbation / Pornography in the past?
in Advice Board
Posted
Masturbation and viewing pornography both break the law of chastity, so you would have had to answer no to this. This question does not only cover current obedience but all past disobedience. I had problems with maturbation and pornography which I have since repented of, so when I am asked this question I answer that I have broken the Law of Chastity but went through the repentance process and have since remained clean.
You cannot be fully repentant without confession. Confession must include telling all those you wronged with such action. Porn and masterbation do not involve anyone else, so many believe they need only confess between themselves and the Lord. This is wrong, though. You have also committed a wrong against the church because you broke a standard you claim to uphold. In doing this you are misrepresenting yourself to the church. This is another reason it is necessary to confess to your Bishop. Your Bishop can help you determine what you can do to make restitution as well, another necessary part of repentance.
Repentance is far more than just quitting the wrong thing you are doing. In order to really clean your slate, it is important to confess this to your Bishop so that he may help you complete the repentance process.