grandshahi

Great work! I wish I would have taken advantage of more internship opportunities. I was too afraid of pay cuts. Get all the education you can!

I am friends with multiple past girlfriends on facebook. I am friends with many current and past female co-workers on facebook. I separate facebook from my romantic desires. I love my wife, she trusts me, she doesn't care who I am friends with. I tell her every time I friend/ or am friended by past girlfriends or whatever. Is it right for everyone? No. It works for me, I am not tempted by "what could have been". I am happy to see that they are happy. I am happy when I see that they have beautiful children and good jobs or whatever. I also wouldn't care if my wife was friends of facebook with past boyfriends or romantic flames, as long as she wasn't trying to hide anything from me. It comes down to communication and trust in a relationship. I think that a person who is likely to cheat will do it on facebook, the office, or anywhere else.

I have a PhD in a scientific field. I understand what you are going through. I determined that a) science, in its current form cannot answer every question b) religion cannot answer every question. When I do science, I look at natural phenomena. As I observe natural phenomena, I look for answers - rooted completely in natural science. I never attribute something in nature or science to God. When I am thinking about religion, I do not like to explain my faith in terms of science. Just the other day in a Elder's quorum, the teacher was trying to explain the word of wisdom, coffee in particular, in terms of science. Truth is, that coffee, according to science isn't that bad. Drinking soda - with and without caffeine is bad for the body because it is loaded with sugars. Eating fatty food is bad for the body. Therefore, we can't fully understand commandments in light of science. True, some of what was forbidden by the word of wisdom has turned out to be right in the face of people's views in Joseph Smith's time. Faith is faith. One of the things we can do is build our faith. Admitting our own weaknesses, we can approach our Heavenly Father in prayer. I have done so many times. I have come to the conclusion that to doubt is to be human. Some people are blessed with the ability to have faith at all times without doubts. My faith is very dynamic. I continue to live according to the teachings of Jesus - even when I doubt, because things always work out when I do. I don't seek natural explanations for my private religious experiences.

Sorry I had to take the bait on that one.

I have to take the bait on this one. dclaw, you are wrong. My dad was bishop for 5 years, bishopric for 2, and high council for 3. I have no idea when the offenses occurred over those 10 years. In addition, I didn't know names, genders (in most cases), ages, what street the person lived on, or any other identifiable information. I just know what he had to deal with. I work as a researcher in the behavioral/psychological sciences, therefore, he asked some technical questions over the years for which I had answers and were within my professional and ethical bounds to answer. He didn't break any confidentiality rules. Haven't you ever heard general conference talks that say something to the effect of "one day a man was in my office. He said he was struggling with x". I sincerely doubt the general authorities sought permission to share the story. When they do get permission, they say so (as in the story of the birds and the ghosts in last conference). That was the tone of my dad's conversations. He didn't ever say: Guess what, you know my neighbor, John, he was in my office confessing his porn problem. That would be a huge breach of confidentiality. In many ways, the road trip I mentioned was his way of processing the info that he was dealing with and reliving the stress he had for 5 long years. My point in mentioning that was to let the individual who posted know that bishops have seen it all. I have never confessed something and felt like I surprised the bishop (even when I thought I would). My conversations with my dad over the years, let me know why. I really believe that if you can dream up something that is very heinous, a member of the church has probably done it and told their bishop. Do I make myself clear? Do you still have a problem with what my dad told me?

Ultrarunnerjay is talking about something that is called transsublimation - many people think that the shakers (a movement that was big around the time of the founding of the church, and well known for furniture) were celibate and were able to transfer their sexual energy to productivity. Sounds interesting. Maybe I will understand that one better after age 40.

Joining the military is very honorable. I am in my early 30's and I was a big wimp then. Looking back on it, I totally should have joined. I would feel honored if my son chose to join the military. Get all of the training you can. After you are out, you will be more mature and ready to find a career that fits. Good luck!

My dad was recently released as a bishop. We had a long road trip together, and he told me experiences he had. Trust me, you probably couldn't confess anything to a bishop that my dad hasn't heard. He lives in a ward in a typical suburban neighborhood in Salt Lake.

I am not a cafeteria Mormon, but sometimes when I hear stuff at church like you heard (one is selfish if they are not married in 5 years), I just laugh it off. 1) You are always worthy to pray. Jesus came to earth for all of us, and especially the sinner. Lay your sins at His feet, and stop trying to bear your own cross. 2) Obtaining an education - including graduate school - will make you a better person to marry when you decide to marry. There is nothing wrong with an intelligent person. In fact, I work with woman who has a PhD that is married to a construction worker who is working on his BA. Her PhD has not stopped her from being married. I would love it if my wife had an education. There is a general authority in my ward who was a doctor and his wife is a practicing lawyer. I must say, that I don't like lawyers, but obtaining an education is wonderful! :-)

I think our interactions with people are more frightening than ghosts. I don't believe in ghosts, ouija boards, and the like. It is an interesting question to ask, but my answer is that we need to have faith in Jesus. That is hard enough for me sometimes. I think if it were that easy to record ghosts, then there wouldn't be a need for faith. It would be like finding Kolob with a telescope, finding the golden plates, or whatever. Faith is something that is dynamic and difficult to hold onto sometimes. Therefore, I don't think there is an easy route to understand the afterlife through modern technology.

I have been trying to figure this one out. There seems to be a huge prevalence of masturbation among people in the church - in fact, the data suggest that it falls in line with the rest of the country. The most definitive thing I have seen is President Kimball once said that it is an indiscretion that is not approved of by the Lord nor his church. I don't recall if he was president or a 70 when he said it. Certain manuals written by committees say it is a sin. That doesn't mean that because it is a sin, one must confess to a bishop. There are many sins that we can commit (just read the beatitudes in the sermon on the mount) but that we don't need to bother out bishops with. I would work with my bishop if it was an addiction. Now, by addiction I mean that it interferes with my life functioning (i.e., the textbook definition of addiction). There are people that masturbate multiple times per day, cannot have normal relationships, etc. In these cases it isn't even about sex. Masturbation feels good because God created our bodies to function in that manner. We need to learn how to channel those feelings for the good of our spouses and, in your case, our future marriages. I just read a dissertation from an LDS therapist that described the shame that many women feel about their past masturbation behaviors. These shameful feelings led to marital and sexual functioning problems. As for feeling sexual and thinking about sex. Your body is supposed to work that way. There is no shame in feeling sexually aroused or attracted to members of the opposite sex. Preoccupation with sex is considered a sin, and again, if you cannot function in a normal life, if you cannot date without thinking about only sex, then I would say go to a bishop. One of the problems that many people have is control: that is, people think that they can control their own thoughts using tactics that end up making problematic thoughts worse. For example, if I try not to think about garbage, and I say in my head: "don't think about garbage" I am bringing garbage to mind, and ruminating on it. The thoughts that come into our head are just thoughts. It is not a reflection of who we are. Think of your thoughts as leaves drifting down a river. Look at them, examine them, wonder, for a moment, where they could have come from, but don't ruminate on them. Once the thoughts have passed, as leaves floating down a river, they are gone. They may come back. We live in a world where we are literally bombarded with sex. If you finding yourself thinking about sex, it is either a delayed response to something you saw on TV or a direct response to something. Try not to control your thoughts because doing so only makes things worse. Over time, the thoughts will not appear so frequently if you stop trying to control them. There is a large amount of current research in this area if you care to know any of it. In conclusion, if you can handle yourself now, in the aftermath of a relationship for which you repented, I would say: live your life and don't sin. Pray for strength if you need it. My concern is that if you go to a bishop for an intermittent problem that is difficult to control, then you will feel more ashamed, you will have less faith, and have more problems with church stuff if you do the problem again. Bottom line: I don't consider masturbation to be a huge sin that needs to be dealt with a bishop unless you are doing it with another person or in the presence of porn.

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend? Personally, I wouldn't really care. I would have given her the opportunity to do so. Is it possible that she was going to see her good friend and her ex? Since she said her friend was engaged to her ex. I'm just sayin. 2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear? Given that she isn't endowed (or doesn't wear garments, which wasn't really clear) I wouldn't care. There is a possibility that she was wearing them to show them off when she bent over, maybe she wanted them to wear for you. Your confrontation could have ruined her plans. 3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her? If he was encouraging her to stay married, and that he hoped she was happy, then fine. It really depends on the content. If he was grooming her for sex, then I would not be happy. This is a communication problem between you and your wife. 4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on? What you have is evidence (if you want a divorce) or coincidences. You need to communicate about this stuff with her. Don't put her on the defense. Of course she will say no if you ask her outright. Explain your true feelings, your fears, etc. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, because you really are. You are afraid. You need to accept that feeling. Not trusting somebody has to do with your anxieties about the possibility that she is having sex with somebody else. Accept that you feel that way and it is normal to fear that. Be vulnerable, be scared, and communicate that with her. Tell her that you love her and that you are committed to making things better regardless (if you really are committed). You could possibly admit something you did wrong, like a brush with porn (which most men have intentionally found) or masturbation or checking out a girl, or whatever. If she had sex with somebody, you should decide right now if that is a deal breaker or a something that you would be committed to accept. I know of many people who have gone through that (mostly women) and come out stronger. These things are just my opinion. I am not a counselor or professional psychologist.

My advice, as I have been (and still being somewhat) in your husband's situation is that you should never convey an attitude that all is lost, that you should never have kids, etc. My opinion is that people who have never had a faith crisis can't understand how it feels. For me, I came to terms with history. For example, if I was feeling like the church had a racist past, I would put it into the context of the entire USA having a racist past. If I was worried that Joseph Smith was a freemason, I realized that to make it in society back then, being a freemason was a big part of that. This is certainly a difficult thing. There are many good websites that may possibly shock you (stay lds comes to mind), but may be helpful for your husband. Continue loving him and things may turn around. Judgement, anger, frustration, "sky is falling", etc. will do the opposite.