yjacket

No it is for both to work on. A healthy marriage cannot work if the woman is putting forth all the effort and the man is not. It is the man's choice to engage in that activity and as such he bares full, complete responsibility. And I in no way am putting any blame on a spouse for their partner's issues. I am suggesting that things do not work in a vacuum, however. In an unhealthy marriage, the spouse may not turn to porn-but maybe instead of porn he turns to working too much or spending too much time with friends, or in games, etc. The others are much less serious sins, and more healthy ways of outlet; but in an unhappy marriage the emotions will find an outlet. That is why I have said, one of the only real things MM can do is to be the best spouse possible.

Jojo, you've been talking out of both sides of your mouth. First you say she has a right to leave and then you say well she has to endure until God says she doesn't. I would say that no one has the right to leave a marriage until God says so. Unless we are to put ourselves in the place of God and determine in what circumstances he would say so as simple members of the church we should not be making statements like "she has the right to leave". The Church and scriptures have declared that the only justifiable grounds for divorce are Adultery and Abuse and that is really all we should declare. I certainly believe implicit in those statements are the idea that God has the ultimate authority to determine when a marriage can be dissolved. If someone prayed about divorce and felt they had an answer from God; I would only caution that the scriptures have said Adultery and Abuse, if they feel God is telling them to divorce, then they better be darn sure that answer is coming from God and they aren't being deceived-but I am in no place to tell another person whether an answer they are getting is from God or not.

I'm not trying to pick on anything, but I am honestly really confused now. Earlier you said: Your above two statements to me are conflicting; i.e. you are giving one piece of advice for someone else and then saying something different for yourself.

I don't object to the Bishop being involved in the least bit. I object to saying he must be involved. The Bishop is an awesome resource and should certainly be used when and if necessary. If one is struggling with this issue needs additional help and guidance, then absolutely by all means they should see the Bishop. He can provide an extra bit of spiritual guidance, if necessary a spiritual stick or a spiritual carrot to help the person. He can provide resources to go to like the addiction recovery, etc. I object to a spouse telling one another "you will see the Bishop" or STTE. I think a spouse can certainly encourage or recommend seeing the Bishop. But I think a spouse telling one another they must see the Bishop is exercising unrighteous dominion over each other. In general, I think people can pretty much figure out on their own when to see the Bishop and don't need to be forced to do so. The reason being is that regardless of what a Bishop says or does, with this issue (and with most sins) until the person is ready and willing to change talking to the Bishop won't really do much good. When someone is ready and willing to change, then seeing the Bishop is great; if their heart really isn't into changing then it won't do much good. And a spouse telling another "you will see the Bishop" ain't gonna be changing their heart into being ready to change.

Yes, since you've already admitted to this sin in the past. What an evil woman your wife was for not divorcing you over this issue as had you died before you repented of this sin you would have dragged her to hell, right?

A merry Christmas! I am really starting to question whether you know anything about that which you claim you are talking about. No, I am saying I don't know; that question is for the person 1st, the Lord and their Bishop; anyone who says otherwise does not truly understand how temple recommends nor how worthiness and the atonement works. The first filter is the person committing the sin. When one commits sin, the first step is the recognition that the sin is bad. Some people do not feel the need to confess to the Bishop every little sin; others feel the need to confess if they have a bottle of wine. When to confess a sin to the Bishop is largely left to the individual. In general the only sins that are required to be confessed are those that are of such magnitude to require formal church discipline. If pornography requires formal church discipline then a lot of Bishops are not doing their job. You do realize Bishops are called to be Judges in Israel and as such when someone comes to them with a sin, they have the right to determine how to help that person to stay on a better path. That may require revocation of a temple recommend or it may not. Neither you nor I can say what it would be. And for you to do say otherwise so is an extremely unrighteous judgmental decision. You claim that me saying this amounts to trivialization of it? What a completely illogical statement. Me saying that Bishops in temple recommend interview are told not to deviate from the questions means that I am trivializing it? The Bishop asks, do you obey the Law of Chastity? That is it; they are not to go into detail about "do you self-abuse" etc. they just aren't. If the person can honestly say "yes" they get a recommend. The Bishop can ask additional questions like what is the Law of Chastity, etc? But any additional questions are not to be additional requirements. If when the Bishops ask the LoC question or at any other point the individual brings up concerns, the Bishop then has the opportunity to counsel with the person and that counsel may be include holding off of the temple recommend, or it may not. It really just depends, because you know the Bishop is the Judge in Israel and kind of has that right. My biggest bone during this whole thing and I have repeated over and over is that no scripture, no GA, no GC talk has ever condoned divorce over this issue. Because I have said that, I am trivializing it? Get real. Pardon me, for not wanting to burn at the stake individuals who have gone down this road.

I'll take a look at it thank you. Okay, I've been married 10+ years, have both boys and girls. Call it however you want, male brain and female brains work differently and men and women are physically different. No women can't do the same things men can and no men can't do the same things women can. My girls act quite differently then my boys. It's called sexual dimorphism, it's exhibited in just about all species. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_dimorphism Sexism is about believing that one sex is better than the other. I need my wife just as much as she needs me; I play different roles than she does but we both need each other and are both the same in God's eyes. You can take your sexism claim and shove it.

Have I anywhere implied, suggested or stated that I think his actions are okay? Have I said anywhere that you should not be upset? But ultimately, you can choose to love him and stick with him in spite of his actions and develop a more Christlike love towards him regardless of what he does, recognizing that while you feel hurt he isn't doing these things specifically to hurt you. Some marriages are golden marriages where very little goes wrong, my gut feeling is those types of marriages are very few and far between. Marriage teaches you more about true Christlike love and forgiveness by practical day-to-day living than spending a lifetime studying it. I don't say ignore, I say learn how to love him even more and forgive him even more. The only thing I have hit on, and hit hard on is that it is not justified for divorce. I have called for CFR that it is and no one can prove me wrong. You can use a scripture to twist Christ's words into giving you what you want, but no modern day prophet will back you on your interpretation. You have already made the determination at this point that if he doesn't change in a year you will divorce him. You have mentioned divorce multiple times. Any marriage counselor and any marriage book will tell you that doing that to him is opening a door for disaster in your marriage. You want to make this issue, the issue to stand your ground on and to determine whether or not your marriage survives. Just from what you have said, your marriage has much bigger issues than whether or not your husband looks at racy images. If you choose to divorce over this, it won't be the root cause it will be one of the symptoms. But in the end, you can then claim it as the cause and absolve yourself of any wrongdoing in your marriage. There is a reason why children from divorced parents have a higher likelihood of divorce, why second and third marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. Good luck to you, I think I'm tuckered out on this topic.

I'm not quite following. Christ was pretty blunt at times, at other times use metaphors. This whole issue is about gender; porn is one of those things that is literally processed differently for men and woman. It is bad, no doubt. However, when a woman sees her husband using porn it is seen as "I'm not good enough not pretty enough, it's my fault etc." as in the porn has to deal with personally with her. Her self-image is wrapped up in it and she sees herself as less of a person, degraded, etc. when her husband uses porn. When in reality, the porn has very little if anything to do with her as a person. As far as the actual science of it goes, it is still pretty muddled and honestly society nor actual science as a whole really has figured it all out yet what the effects are. The only thing we do know for sure is that the prophets and Christ have told us pornography/lust is bad. The internet and mass porn production has really only been around for max 20 years and really 15 years since internet became available to just about everyone. So why would a man look at porn? Quite frankly and bluntly because for a very short period of time it makes them feel better. Why do people watch movies? Because it is exciting and in general makes them feel good. Some men get addicted to it; some men do not. Just because a man uses porn does not necessarily mean he is addicted to it. Now it is certainly very addictive and the chances are high that one will get addicted but not necessarily. And it's actually a good thing that the female form makes men feel better, otherwise the human race might have gone extinct a long time ago. So two questions, why do people get addicted to things and if a man is not addicted to porn, why would he look at it? Both of them have the same root. If a man is addicted to it, just like all addictions he will need some outside help to overcome it. But just like all addictions, while he will need outside help-only he can make the decisions to change or start to change. The reasons why he would look at it is simple-there is something broken inside of him; whether it is depression, sadness, loneliness, lack of emotional connection, etc. There is something lacking and to cover it up he uses porn. It's better than a drug as you don't have to deal with needles, cops, etc. It uses the most powerful feelings and emotions to make a man feel good (even if it is for just a short period of time). So how do you "fix" it? Well if he's an addict, there are groups. But otherwise, he has to figure out how to fix himself. So what can a spouse do? Stomp her foot and say respect me and if you don't stop I'll kick you out of the house? Even if it works for this particular problem, it will still most likely exacerbate the underlying issues. So what can a spouse really do? While the problem is something only he can fix, what a spouse can do is provide a home base where the underlying drivers for this behavior can be fixed and mitigated. So how does a spouse provide a home base where depression, loneliness, lack of emotional connection, etc. can be fixed? By being the best spouse possible. It is my firm believe that no man in a solid happy marriage would find much pleasure in porn. Why? because he doesn't need it. Why would he go look at pictures when he can find so much more enjoyment with his spouse, by talking through the things of life, enjoying a good relationship, etc.

Well, considering that the male brain and female brain are scientifically different and that the male brain is more oriented towards logic and rationality and the female brain is more oriented towards emotion. Yes, the way men and women say things is different (unless you don't believe science). Some people take logic as being rude. I completely understand that MM's reaction is very emotionally based, she is ticked and rightfully so; but that emotional reaction to potentially divorce her husband over this issue is not a rational nor logical reaction. And I say that simply based on what the outcomes of what that decision would be (i.e. all the statistics I made mention of). If MM's ultimate goal in life is to have happiness and joy for herself and her posterity (and I'm sure that it is); then her decision to make this an issue over with which to divorce is simply not logical as statistically speaking she will end up having a much happier, healthier life for her and her posterity if she stays married to him despite this issue rather than making it a divorcable issue. And while you claim that many other people could have said the same things I did but in a better way-no one else did; I being the main driver and maybe one or two other people said it. What is interesting that being married over the long term helps both men and woman to blend their unique characteristics; marriages that last a long time women will become more logical and men will become more emotional. It is why after 40 something years of marriage you can look at a couple and to know one is to almost to know the other.

So very well said LP. Thank you. . . .see there are difference between men and women. Men are so blunt, matter of fact and a woman can say something with a very similar effect but it is just so much better!

Two things. 1) Read "Getting the Love you Want" and 2) you can't change anything about that either she does it or not and we all get crinkly and old. With regards to 1) there are some very good insights in the book that many times we will subconsciously marry people who have qualities or do things that are "holes" in our lives. Maybe we got yelled at when we were kids and we swore we'd never marry someone like that and then guess what! we marry someone that yells. Very good insights that you can glean how to fix yourself and make yourself a whole marriage partner. With #2 most weight issues come down to simply eating too much and eating the wrong kind of food (not all but a lot). If you want to have any influence in #2 then if she cooks, encourage healthier meals. If she doesn't try eating at home more (fast food and restaurants are horrible for weight). Encourage not drinking sodas, etc. Make sure you are exercising. In a married couple it is very rare to see one spouse extremely healthy and the other not healthy (it does happen, but it is more an exception I believe). It's called social conditioning-if you are eating healthy, exercising, etc. more likely than not your spouse will see that and will eventually join you. But ultimately-you can't control it.

That is a big maybe; but that decision is between him, his Bishop and the Lord. In fact Bishops are counseled not to deviate from the questions and to not ask questions that are not found in the interview. One question is "do you live the law of chastity?" If the guy says yes the Bishop could probably ask, "what is your understanding of the Law of Chastity?" But I don't think I've ever had a Bishop ask, "do you look at pornography or self-abuse?" as they really aren't supposed to. If the guy brings it up and says, well Bishop I do xyz, then the Bishop may revoke the recommend, but he may not; he may actually encourage the guy to attend the temple more regularly. It just depends on what the Bishop hears and what the Spirit tells him would be the right course of action. A Bishop might restrict the person from taking the sacrament for a while and in extreme cases (and I've got to imagine it is pretty bad-like going into cybersex or something) one might get disfellowshipped. And more to the point that looking at porn is not adultery (it is lust and it is 100% wrong) but it is not adultery. I've never heard of a Disciplinary Counsel being called because some guy is into porn. You will get a disciplinary counsel called for actually committing adultery.

Short answer, is yes. An LDS wife has a bottle of wine every night, maybe even gets drunk every now and then. Does a pretty good job of taking care of the kids, but due to her wine "addiction" isn't temple worthy and has bottles of wine in the house that the kids see. Should the husband divorce her because she is an alcoholic or smokes, because she isn't temple worthy? Unless she is being derelict in her duties as a wife and mother no one here would advocate that the husband divorce her and even if she was an alcoholic most would applaud the husband for sticking with the wife (oh look how loyal he is in sticking with her through her addiction!) The scriptures and the General Authorities are pretty clear on what justifies divorce-Adultery and Abuse; and even in those cases while it may be justified it is not requisite. Most of the English world has this as their vows: "I, [name], take you [name], to be my [husband/wife], to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do us part." Sometimes it's the better and sometimes it's the worse. Our current culture is so messed up; commitment today means, well as long as I'm happy and I feel good about it then I'll do it. It's all about the short-term, what makes me feel good today. The actual statistics on divorce and the effects of divorce are staggering. If you have been divorced once the chances that you will divorce again go up (like 60% for 2nd and 70% for third marriages). Children are 14% more likely to divorce is they come from a divorced home. Children from divorced parents will most likely marry other children from divorced parents which will increase their chances of divorce. Interestingly enough, women are way more likely to file for divorce than men (something like 70/30); children who come from divorced homes are generally poorer as are the women. Children from divorced homes are more insecure, lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure. Children from divorced parents are more likely to have relationship problems. They tend to be more aggressive, more likely to commit suicide. 70% of inmates come from broken homes. The best marriage advice I will ever give my kids is do not under any circumstances marry someone who comes from a broken home. It might sound cruel and harsh-but it will save them a ton of headache in long run. So my answer is unequivocally yes. Statistics show that people who considered divorce and didn't were happier 5 years later than those that did divorce. The main driver for divorce-it isn't porn, or finances, or anything like that. It is rooted in pride and selfishness. The "my spouse does x (whatever x might be) and he won't change so I'll throw a big fit about it". Throwing divorce around in a marriage is like hurtling nuclear bombs at each other. It isn't fighting fair in a marriage. The solution to it is Christlike love and forgiveness.

Pot meet kettle; please, please I'm begging you to show me in either scriptures or General Conference talks the bolded above. CFR. Do you really understand what you are advocating? I think not. And the follow your husbands to hell? Are you really trying to tell me that his sin is her sin. That because he is sinning she will not inherit the Celestial Kingdom? Is that really your premise, because that is contrary to everything in the Gospel. Salvation, even Exaltation is an individual matter. I get it, you have such a deep hatred for this sin; I do to, but you are letting your deep hatred of this sin override everything else to clouding your judgement.

Yeap, it is a modern day pandemic. I understand how hurtful it is to women in relationships, but so many women don't understand how pervasive and accessible it is. The statistics are pretty daunting (granted they could be wrong, but they just about all say the same thing). http://www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction/ http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php 70-80% of men from 18-30 look at porn monthly!! 70-80%. 66% from 31-50 look at porn monthly. In just about all studies the usage drops as age increases-IMO tied directly to the male libido. And the numbers aren't that much better for Christians or married men, it drops down to something like 50%. Just statistically speaking, if you are married you got just slightly better than 50% odds that your husband abstains from it. Men who would have never bought a Playboy 40 years ago are enticed into websites that are 10x worse than Playboy ever was. Internet porn is so prevalent that Playboy, for pete's sake is doing away with their nude issues! It is a massive, major problem. Probably the most destructive force the internet could have ever unleashed. Porn is so prevalent and massive that there are people inside the FBI and CIA who specifically look at pornography because drug dealers and terrorists embed messages inside the pornographic images and videos. The fact of the matter is that it is getting harder and harder in today's society to find and keep oneself un-spotted. Whether it's through porn, adultery or other wickedness it's hard to find a good moral partner. And even if we have a good moral partner other issues crop up-whether it's finances or working late, or anger, etc. If one wants to one can find all sorts of reasons to divorce; the Lord through his prophets have said while there might be all these reasons the only justifiable ones are Adultery and Abuse.

No, I don't know your husband. But I do know (and you can look at any number of marriage counseling books) that telling your husband something to the effect of "if you don't stop, I will divorce you" is not appropriate. It is 100% morally wrong. I dare you, go tell your Bishop that you tell your husband that and see what his response is. Tell a marriage counselor that and see what their response is. Threatening divorce is never appropriate-which is what you are doing. And you are threatening it because you mean it; and divorcing over this issue is wrong and is not supported in the Gospel, period end of story. There are no talks in the Church, general conference talks, apostles talks etc. that justify divorce in this situation. There are talks that justify divorce for adultery and abuse. You are in essence using threats, ultimatums and the nuclear option to solve this issue and it won't work. You are using a sledgehammer to hammer in a nail and you will very likely end up breaking the wall rather than hammer in the nail. You just want the problem fixed and are using threats to do so without understanding the underlying issues. What your husband is doing is a big problem, it isn't right and he needs to stop. But it is not adultery. While yes Jesus said a man has committed adultery in his heart for this, if this is the standard for divorce-then the divorce rate would probably double. It is a scourge and a disease and should not happen but it is not divorce worthy.

My deepest condolences. I don't know what it is about today's society but it seems that putting forth the hard work necessary to keep a lasting commitment is passe. Most people don't even understand what commitment and self-sacrifice means. In today's society, it's all about me, me, me-if I'm not happy if my spouse doesn't please me or doesn't do what I want I'm gone. Very sad, because in the end the commitment and self-sacrifice for the greater good will bring more personal satisfaction and joy than if we just quit when the going gets a little tough.

My apologies. I will give you two short pieces of advice that are within your power to change that will help things. 1) Eliminate any outs or any thoughts of divorce. 2) Be a wife to your husband-right now you sound like his mother not his wife. The only person you can change is you-not him.

Oh she certainly has a right to be upset; I completely agree with that-I never said she didn't. I get upset at my wife over plenty of things, she gets upset at me over plenty of things. We are both justified in being upset at each other for the things we do. But she is throwing divorce around about this issue? I'll call it like I see it-throwing divorce around this issue is absolute, utter garbage. If this is the only issue that she is concerned about and she is willing to divorce him over looking at (not porn), but women in bikinis in suggestive poses-from what I've gathered, then quite frankly that's not a woman I'd want to be married to. Not for this issue, but that the attitude is one of " 'hey when things are tough or my spouse does something that hurts me, I cut bait". And life is hard enough as it is, and I want someone who will stick with me and me with her through whatever life throws at us. Divorce is justified in Adultery and Abuse and maybe in Addiction, if the addiction causes massive disruptions. A low-functioning addict,divorce might be justified. A high-functioning addict would be a pretty hard sell. I don't look at that stuff-'cuz 1) I've got a pretty good wife 2) it ain't real and 3)life is too short to waste time on it and 4) God says so. We all have our problems and we all fall short of what we should do. If MM really wants to fix her marriage, the #1 thing she should do right now is to eliminate any thoughts of divorce. I'm just flabbergasted that people can think that MM is justified in thinking about divorce over this issue. Looking at racy pictures and/or even porn is vastly different than calling a phone number or having an affair. Is it wrong-absolutely! Should he stop, yes! Is it hurtful, yes! Is it grounds for divorce-heck no! I mean this just blows my mind. She is pregnant and has multiple children and she is thinking about breaking up her family over this? Talk about cutting of your nose to spite your face. Her attitude about divorce is absolutely 100% wrong. And before she can even begin to help her husband solve his fight (not hers), she has to change her attitude. Now, if he actually goes out and has an affair-my opinion will change very quickly.

Okay this is a big what the??? to me. I'm obviously not clearly understanding this, or there must be something else here that we don't know. Are you seriously saying that a) you are pregnant and that b) if your husband is continues looking at racy pictures then next Christmas he will be alone?? as in either separated or divorced. m If I have that right, on what planet is that line of thinking acceptable? Is porn a big deal and a problem, Yes! Unfortunately, we seem to have an all or nothing approach to it-when it is not. There is a big different between looking at racy pictures and going to some xxx website. Are they both bad, yes. Can one lead to the other-yes. Are they both the same level-no, no, and no. Just like there is a big difference between getting buzzed, drunk and then wasted-are they all bad-yeah. You are worried that it will escalate from soft-porn to hard-porn to an extramartial affair?? If you are honestly seriously worried about an affair then your marriage has much bigger problems than pornography. As far as going to the Bishop, exactly what do you hope to accomplish if your husband does not volunteer to go? Shame him into quitting? Unless you need moral support, don't go to the Bishop as there is really nothing he can do about it until your husband is ready and willing to make any changes. Maybe I'm just a little grumpy tonight, but I see several things in your writings that are red flags to me. You've said a few times your husband isn't smart enough to figure things out, i.e. talking disparagingly about your husband (hint-I guarantee he is smarter than you think), and possibly doing so in front of your children (I hope I'm reading that wrong too). Taking him to the Bishop (is he a child? I think he is a grown man, he can make his own decisions on when to go). Mentioning affairs (has he given you any reason to suspect other interactions). I'll also be blunt- it sounds like you both work. Both spouses working outside the home can destroy plenty of marriages-especially with young children. In general, marriages work the best when both the men and the women fulfill the predefined God-given roles that men and women have in a marriage. Men are providers (i.e. bring home money) and women are nurturers and caretakers (i.e. take care of kids and home). Now this is a general rule and there are always exceptions. But I can pretty much guarantee you that in a strong marriage a man will not be looking at pornography, but in a weak marriage a man may look at pornography. The soft-core stuff, it ain't your fight-it is his fight and his alone. You can support him, but some things in life you just got to do yourself and being his babysitter isn't going to help him at all. What you can do, to help him overcome this is to be the best wife possible. Fulfill your role the best way possible. Personally, I think going to the bishop and "tattling" on him especially without his permission has the potential to do much more damage to your marriage than the soft-core stuff. I never go to the Bishop with dealings with my spouse, unless she is okay with me going to him, and if I went without her knowing or being okay with it, I certainly wouldn't bring up her sins-unless it was necessary to help me explain the situation for my spiritual support.

Just when I think I was going to need to start watching BYU football. Probably wanted him to change his system and that wasn't going to happen. The TO at BYU would have been unstoppable.

Unfortunately, IMO a self-serving mother. While married she didn't work yet insisted that she deserved 50% of all take-home pay from her husband to spend as she wished. With that 50% she would go out with her "friends"; this is a mother who has 5 kids under the age of 11. Anybody who has raised kids knows that when you've got small children, you really don't have "friends" except for play-date moms! Her "friends" consisted of other anti-mormon individuals. When her husband suggested they do other types of dates-she scoffed at it. Rather than do her motherly job (just like her husband has a job)-she relegated her motherly caretaking duties to her husband while she was out with "friends" drinking, having a good time, etc. And these weren't just a couple of times a month outings, more like a couple of times a week. During these outings she found a "friend" who became her paramour and she has been cheating how her husband for some time now. You decide if those actions are just b/c of some flaky boyfriend (she's cheating for pete's sake) or actions of someone who really doesn't care much about her own responsibilities and just wants a free ride.

Zero, You've got to do what you feel is in your best interest. Maybe part of this deal is that you get the house; which could be worth the hassle of selling it and splitting up the proceeds. I think you still are in love with her; which is okay as long as if that is true you recognize it and realize that it may be clouding your judgement. Like it or not, you will be a part of her actions and choices for the next ~18 years. If part of what you got in consideration for the 35% was stipulations on how the children are to be raised then that might be good leverage. 50/50 custody, but during her 50% time you know she will be filling the kids full of anti messages. If part of the agreement is she can't teach anti to the kids and it is enforceable by law; then yeah I'd consider that a fair trade for the money. Good luck, I'm sorry to see this happen to you.

I'm going to try and be kind here; but first . . . you've got to get mad!! First you told us it was a 60/40 split with her being the 60. Now it's 35/65 with her being the 65. She's a lying, cheating, no good . .. .and you are just rolling over and taking it. With her adultery, I don't believe there is any way the judge would award alimony, so forget having to pay more just to make sure she doesn't get alimony. Unless there is ample reason for you to not have contact with the kids, the judge will give 50/50, legal and physical. She is and has been playing you like a fiddle. Only doing what her lawyer is telling her (right . . .that's a good lie). The conversation probably went like this her: "lawyer, get me as much as you can". Lawyer: " Tell him its a 35/65 split". Her: "I'm only doing what my lawyer said". She has most likely walked all over you most of your marriage; you got to get a spine. And at this point, you know without a doubt she can not be trusted. Unless there is something you're not saying 50/50 asset split, 50/50 custody and you paying child support is way more than your fair share. Anything less favorable for you and you are getting shafted. If your lawyer advises on accepting the 35/65, I need to get his name-so I'll make sure no one I know ever hires him!!!