WorthofaSoul

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About WorthofaSoul

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  1. WorthofaSoul

    Introvert Anxiety

    So I know I've written a lot, if it's TL;DR, that's ok here's the main question. For people with anxiety over being the center-of-attention, what are good ways to get over it? (My farewell's coming up in 2-3 weeks, I don't really have time for therapy and certainly no meds, etc. So what's a good way to naturally deal with having to talk with people about me, about my mission, the whole crying about "Oh I remember just yesterday, you were just a baby and now you're going on a mission..." etc?) I'm not usually a big center-of-attention person. In fact, I hate it. I mean, I'm all excited for other people having the spotlight and even love playing it up for them, but for me I hate it. There are certain times when it's kind of ok, like giving talks or testimony meeting I don't mind so much, but making something special about me kind of makes me want to throw up (having my parents invite all of the family to my mission call opening was hard enough) So when I was preparing to get my endowments out for my mission, my parents and I ended up getting into a discussion about family. I brought up the fact I really wasn't looking to have my aunts and uncles there and even requested that my grandma and Great-grandma be there (because of course what do grandma's do? Throw a big fuss and love putting a lot of attention on their grandchildren) I ended up having an emotional breakdown on the phone with my parents and eventually over time I did concede to at least have my grandmas there with rules that if I was overwhelmed by the whole experience and by everyone I could be left to sit alone in a corner of the Celestial Room, etc. So fast-forward to the present. I have my endowments out now and the trip to the temple was fine. But I have come to find out that my grandma, even though my parents told her that I was feeling anxious and didn't want a crowd, actually invited all of my family to the temple that day. (Due to various reasons such as sickness, the death of an in-law, etc. they couldn't make it) And said to my dad in regards to me "Well, it's a public place, if everyone just happens to show up for a session at the exact same time it can't be helped, can it?" I am hurt that she did this, even if she might not have know the severity of my anxieties. I'm also grateful of how things did turn out, but I'm upset over what could have happened. If my relatives had shown up, I would have been so much more stressed out and I also probably would've been angry at my parents, especially my dad (he was a big pusher for trying to invite family to events) and in that case, when I had gone with him to participate in the prayer I would have had to withdrawn because I would've had ill-feelings towards him and then I would've been humiliated having to sit down in front of everyone and then having everyone wonder and maybe ask why I did that. And what would the explanation be? "Oh, I'm sorry, I was upset because I didn't really want any of you to be here..." So I feel like I have two problems: How should I talk to my grandma about this?Is there a way to get over some of this center-of-attention anxiety?I know we're usually more self-conscious of ourselves and notice more that we do than others, but I can get anxious over happy things as well. Like thoughts of getting married and having my extended family watch me get sealed and have a reception makes me want to throw up. But more urgently, what am I'm going to do for my farewell? The talk will be fine, but I don't do the whole partying/talking to people, especially not if I'm in anyway part of the focus. But that's the whole point of a farewell, and there's really no way of not having a gathering with my family, so what am I to do?
  2. WorthofaSoul

    mission?

    I'm currently in a mission prep class and at the beginning of the class we recite D&C 4: 1 Now behold, a marvelous work is about to come forth among the children of men. 2 Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day. 3 Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work; 4 For behold the afield is white already to harvest; and lo, he that thrusteth in his sickle with his might, the same layeth up in store that he perisheth not, but bringeth salvation to his soul; 5 And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. 6 Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence. 7 Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Amen. Now while this isn't to sway you one way or another, I feel that it is important to remember what our focus in life should be; serving the Lord/serving others. Some are best prepared or expected to serve the Lord through a mission, others, especially women can choose have to accept that calling if they wish (remember, if they have that desire to serve) to stay and serve the Lord through other means, whether it be through fulfilling other callings or finishing their education, or also having the chance to prepare to serve Him through eternal marriage and familyship. So I agree with wingnut. I think you need to decide and then say "This is what I'm going to do, if that's definitely not what I should be planning, tell me, and if not I'm going to go right ahead with what I've what I want to do and planned." SUMMARY If you want to go, go. If you really don't have any desire or spiritual prompting to convince you otherwise to go, then you don't have to if you don't want to.
  3. WorthofaSoul

    Planning on a Mission...

    Hey Katiejill, I've just received my mission call, and when preparing to put in my papers, I'd had some history with some nasty depression and self-harm stuff and I was in just about the same boat as you. You should be perfectly fine, you might have to open up to your doctor, bishop, and stake president about it, but otherwise they should let you go on a mission without much of a fuss otherwise. What'll happen when you're to put in your papers is that you'll have a preliminary meeting with your bishop in which after through the basics kind of questions he'll give you access to begin filling out your missionary papers, mainly your health forms. You'll have to fill out a Personal Health form, on this form it'll ask you things ranging from allergies, eye wear (if necessary), and yes, past/present emotional health. On this one you'll go through the boxes and rate yourself on how serious you feel the issue was (do I currently suffer from depression? do I currently feel suicidal? have I ever self-harmed? etc.) If you check any 'yes' on any of those boxes (whether something like allergies or emotional health) you'll have another place where you'll be allowed to explain, and that's where you'd put probably how long's it's been, that you've been receiving help, and that your therapist feels that you're doing much better as well. You'll print that out and present it to your doctor who may or may not ask you questions about it to help them in their evaluation and then that'll evaluation and health form will go to your bishop and then to your stake president and so they will be able to see your history. There will also be a way that you can even get a letter from your therapist saying that you've improved and has given you the OK and you can upload it and submit it with the rest of your paperwork to. (This wasn't necessary for me, but it can be a reassuring extra thing if you're feeling stressed about how your papers might turn out) They'll probably ask you a few questions and talk to you about the stresses of missionary work, but so long as you're feeling good, they should let you go. For mine, the stake president said I might have to wait an extra week or so for the church to decide if I should go and do an assessment to make sure that I better, but I was never called in and I received my call within 2-3 weeks and now I'll be serving a normal, full-time mission. Congratulations on your decision!
  4. I know this could go under the missionary thread, but this is a bit more than just a mission problem as this type of dilemma has popped up in other areas of my life as well. So since I've received my patriarchal blessing I've pretty much felt like one of my purposes in life was to serve a mission (originally this was hesitantly accepted because of my own reasons I didn't really prefer the idea of serving a mission) So I've always been planning on going when I was 21 and then the missionary age change came about and I was immersed in the new sea of eligible sisters. I was happy, but anxious because I didn't feel prepared/ready, but I thought I should put in my papers in February. Well, in December I kind of mulled over it briefly and I just kind of got a good feeling about trying to put in my papers as soon as possible. So I pressed forward and despite everything being crazy and doubts over how soon I'd actually be able to get medical appts. etc, everything fell perfectly into place. Without twisting anybody's arm I was able to get medical/church appts all finished within a week and a half of starting them and my papers submitted. So let's jump forward. I've received my mission call. Yay, right? It arrived it on Thursday but I wasn't able to actually go home and open it until Saturday. During all of that time, I wasn't really emotional/anxious. My coworkers and roommates were actually giving me funny looks and comments and I actually had to try to pretend to be really excited and dying from waiting for it, but in all honesty, I didn't really feel anything. So Saturday came, my roommates were there, my family was there, I was there, I finally got to hold my envelope and open it. I opened it and immediately once I started reading it I suppose the Spirit hit me because I shook a little bit almost like I was going to cry. I read it and finished and everyone congratulated me and was so excited. I was in a good mood, but I wasn't overly excited, I told everyone it seemed surreal to me, and I suppose it was true. But over the course of the day and through to today, I just kind of feel empty. I don't really feel excited or happy, not that I really feel negative emotions either, I'm not really anxious or stressed or unhappy. I feel like the only thing that is making me feel unhappy or sad right now is my lack of happiness or warm fuzzies and excitement. I've tried to make myself happy over it. Logically, it seems like it should be a wonderful mission, I've found my mission president's blog and they seem great and fun. Everyone and their dog has either been there or known people who are there currently and says it's awesome. If it was anyone else I would be congratulating them and would be happy for them, but I feel such a disconnect, like that's not where I'm going. Like my real mission call still has yet to come. My mom says that she was so excited and she's so glad that I was so excited because she knew beforehand that I was a tad concerned about where I might go, but she knew when I read my call that I felt so relieved and I am so happy. But I'm not. When having to announce it in church or having people congratulate me and ask me where I'm going (which is nice, I so love and appreciate their support) I just feel kind of numb or almost embarrassed and sick of talking about it and I don't know why. So what's going on? Logically, there's not much to stress over, no real financial worries and the timing is great and everything seems great and to fall into place. I'm happy to be taking Mission Prep and to be studying Preach My Gospel and talking to other people about their missions. So why now that I've received my call am I not excited or even mildly happy about it? P.S.: I'm pretty sure this isn't from Satan (he has much more potent methods [depression, anxiety, etc.] that he can use to get me that I have been experiencing off and on and he can sometimes use these feelings of sadness/unhappiness as fuel, but otherwise I'm pretty sure this specifically isn't him)
  5. WorthofaSoul

    Fallout from the new missionary ages

    I feel exactly the same way. I've seen so many of my girl friends post on Facebook "Definitely going now!" "Guess this is an answer to whether I should go or not! Starting my papers now!" And it actually kind of worries me. For the most part, since the time that I've received my patriarchal blessing, and because of some of the things written in it, I've been preparing to go on a mission when I was 21. I'm 19 now and still my tentative plans (further discussion with the Lord may be required) for going in the Spring still alarms me and I'm even slightly worried as to whether I will be prepared spiritually, mentally, and physically for this change in time frame. While I'm not saying that the Lord won't help those who he's called, and probably many of these sisters have been preparing for a while, or are even stronger and farther and further ahead of me on their spiritual journey,it is frightening to think of so many of these girls jumping into missions thinking it'll just be a lot of happy, warm, fuzzy moments for a year and a half only to be shocked as to how it really is. Last year, before all of this, we already had one sister come back after 3 months because she couldn't handle the rejection. I'm sure many of these sisters are strong, but I'm not sure if they've completely thought things through. Just because the minimum age was changed, doesn't make it a requirement. Does anyone else have thoughts on this?
  6. WorthofaSoul

    Dreams

    So after having another very eventful night of dreams, I kind of wondered: what do us Mormons/people in general think of dreams? (I know that's so vague) Just in general, I'm not even getting into the whole possible seeing visions and angels in dreams kind of thing, but just the average run-of-the-mill crazy fest at night. I've been wondering a little bit about this especially when discussing dreaming habits amongst friends and roommates. Most of the time it seems that others occasionally have dreams but don't really remember them and usually have some sort of standard goofy dream whose recounting usually begins with "I had the craziest dream and you were in it...!" Whereas for me, I remember my dreams regularly, at the very least 2-3 times a week, especially if I think about them after I wake up. And about 40% of the time these dreams include morbid content such as death (and when I mean death, I mean like viscous murder/suicide). Another strange thing about my dreams is that sometimes I die in my dreams. I die and I don't wake up. Sometimes it hurts like a massive shock, and sometimes it's as subtle as my subconscious informing me that I am now dead. Sometimes I've become an omnipresent force that just confusedly watches the rest of my dream play out, or sometimes I've even become a sad ghost that can only haunt the halls of my home while I watch my dream family mourn. So why? Why do I have dreams like this? Why do any of us have the dreams that we do? (This isn't so much of a plea for help as it is more of just for curiosity's and discussion's sake) I not really all that obsessed with death and violence. I'm not really all that fond of horror movies and shows like CSI and have tried to stay away from them, so why would my dreams reflect such graphic-ness? Why can't I tune into dreams about topics and shows I'm actually interested in?! So what do you think about dreams? Does anyone else have any strange/fun dreams? And has anyone else actually had that stereotypical "showing up somewhere important in your underwear" or the "I didn't study for this test" dreams?
  7. Wow, mine aren't nearly that good at all... but here goes. In the middle of an awkward and unwanted first date, this guy took me to see a movie and in the middle of it he leaned over to me and asked me if I was ticklish. o.0 I promptly told him "No" and went back to trying to pretend I was super absorbed in the movie while trying to scoot as far away in my seat from him as I could.
  8. WorthofaSoul

    ~ ummm Unclean thoughts ~

    I agree, you need to find a way to distract yourself. In listening to a talk by Brad Wilcox (Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts), he suggests moving. Just simply finding a way to move. If a sneaky evil thought comes into my head, it's while I'm lying in bed or while I'm sitting down (why is it easier to get caught up in porn? you're just sitting there). I don't really have bad thoughts while I'm running someplace or while I'm getting ready for the day. Even though I don't think we need to literally stand up and run away from sin (bad thoughts in this case) like Joseph did, I do think that it can help, like just changing positions. Moving helps us become more aware of our body and can bring us back to the truth of reality instead of the fallacies in our mind.