cutelilchikin

Haven't you guys been watching all the specials. Dateline's had them, everyone has. WE know they're talking about the FLDS but most people out of the church still assume we practice polygamy. I recently moved to New Mexico and you have no idea how many times I've been asked how many wives my friends back home have. What they don't get is that we haven't practiced polygamy since it was outlawed. One of the church's beliefs is to obey the laws of the land. Even if I'm in the process of questioning the church's doctrine, I remember learning the history of the church. It ticks me off when they call the FLDS Mormons because they HATE us. Larry King had a special tonight. His wife is Mormon so he's done a lot for the church in getting the real beliefs out there. Anyway. On the special they asked one member of the FLDS if they were Mormon and their reply was "No. We hate the Mormons." The so-called "prophet" who started the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints says the reason he started his church is because he wanted to get back to the basic beliefs of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, but what that guy didn't seem the realize is that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young didn't believe in incest, and they were the ones who were told about the word of wisdom. The FLDS drink alcohol. They treat women like possessions. And when a young woman decides at the age of 14 that she doesn't want to marry her uncle and tries to run away, they lock her up. The cops in the town where these people are based are corrupted by their church. When a woman objects to her husband taking on another wife, or disagrees with any of their beliefs, they get the cops to arrest her, saying she is insane. When one of the young children complain that they are being molested, they cover it up or blame the victim. Even you non-LDS should understand why we wouldn't want to be linked to the bad name they give the human kind. When Joseph Smith went out in the woods to pray, he wanted to know what church to join. When he got his answer and acted upon it by bringing the LDS church back on the earth, I don't think he had the FLDS in mind. When he asked the men to take on more than one wife, his main intent was to help those widows to raise their children and keep food on their table. He didn't do it because he wanted to sleep with more than one woman. He had the welfare of the members he was overseeing in mind. He died for his beliefs and his name should not be linked to those sickos called the FLDS!!!

I'll be 21 in less than a month. In the last 9 months it seems like everything I've believed since I joined the church, I don't believe anymore. I was taken away from my parents by social services when I was 6 years old. That was after I had suffered 6 long years of abuse with no one stepping in to help. My Grandparents, kindhearted, unselfish folks that they are, decided that they would take my sister and I in. At this time we lived in Cincinnati Ohio. When we came to live with them, my Grandparents decided it was time to retire and we moved to Utah. Believe it or not, we were baptists up until about a year after we moved to Utah. Everyone was so nice to us when we moved in. They helped us unload everything and brought us cookies and other treats. Then someone sent the missionaries. My Grandma and sister joined the church but I couldn't. I had to wait a year before I could. I was really excited to be baptized. When I look back, I don't know if I really believed it or if I just wanted to be like my Grandma. My grandparents adopted my sister and I about 3 years after we came to live with them. I had a pretty normal childhood up until around the time I turned 14. I had blocked out everything from the first 6 years of my life and one day, it all just started coming back. As if it wasn't hard enough being a teenager in a town where most of the people had been members their whole lives with both their parents having been members their whole lives and having a "forever family" whereas I didnt' even know anything about most of my family and my sister had stopped going to church at this point and my grandpa not being a member and having lived through a horrific amount of abuse, i was having flash backs of being sexually abused by someone i had completely trusted. It seems at that age that girls tend to do the whole backstabbing act. I got tired of dealing with that so most of my friends were guys. My best friend at the time was an "outsider" like me. Her mom died of breast cancer when she was 9 and she ended up taking up the place of "mom" in her home. It seemed like the closer she and I got, the more the other girls in our ward hated us. They started spreading rumors about us that we were sleeping around with guys and were pregnant and doing drugs (which for the record, we weren't). It really hurt. These were the girls that I had been friends with through elementary and when I needed support the most, they turned their back on me. It seemed like our YW leaders did the same. They kept accusing us of stuff that we didn't do and asking us if we were having sex. the lowest point was when i went in for my birthday interview and the bishop wouldn't even believe what I told him. We went to Youth Conference and in front of the entire youth group, he asked me point blank what guys I was kissing. That's when I started going to church less. I HATED being around the other girls. It hurt. I've always had a hard time dealing with all my family problems and it seemed like everytime i actually did go to church, it would be to a lesson on eternal families or chastity. So i stopped going altogether. at the end of my freshman year in high school, i moved to a town about an hour away and got a new start. I went back to church and I LOVED it. It seemed like there was no way I could live without the church. I had the best leaders! I loved the YW and leaders so much that after I graduated high school, I kinda just kept going. They finally made me a leader. I was the personal progress leader. But no matter how much I loved church and believed the teachings, I got sicker and sicker. I first got sick when i was 13, but it seemed like everytime i felt firm in the church and my beliefs, some new health problem would pop up. I was 19 at the time and paying my own medical bills and trying to go to college when I could barely get out of bed. But i kept going to church. And then I moved in with my sister back to the town I had moved away from at 15. I went to the singles ward and only one person talked to me. out of the entire ward, only ONE. So i kinda stopped going. Then last April, I moved to New Mexico. I've had some personal issues, along with more health issues. And somewhere along the way between Utah and New Mexico, I stopped believing. It's like everything I had believed before, isn't true anymore. But I'm confused, because there's still a little glimmer in me that wants to believe. I've prayed, I've read the scriptures. I've read all kinds of books, but I can't seem to believe again. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I know Christ died on the cross for me but I don't think I believe in the other things. Take the word of wisdom for example. . . I had been living by the word of wisdom from the time i became a member of the church and most likely the 8 years before that. And no matter what I did, I was still sick. I believe that most of the word of wisdom is true, but how can I believe that alcohol is horrible, when doctor's say a glass of wine a day will help prevent heart disease? And with all the little things the church stresses, like piercings and tattoos and modesty, I think the important things are getting lost. Would God really send me to hell if I had two holes in my ear? or if I had a tattoo. Or even if I wear a sleeveless shirt? I don't believe that. If the Prophet is teaching about all those things and they aren't true, then that means the rest of what he's saying could possibly be not true also. Could somebody help me with this? I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I want to believe, but I can't bring myself to believe because the church focuses so much on the stuff I believe shouldn't matter and pushes aside some issues that matter too much to not be confronted.