derblitzenator

Here are some questions about the situation before finding an applicable quote: 1) Is the coworker a non-member? 2) Does she uphold church standards other than her living situation? (i.e. no drinking, smoking, and live the law of chastity) 3) What makes you think it's a common law marriage? Have they lived together for 7 years and hold themselves out as husband and wife? 4) Is your father looking for a temple marriage? Is he an active church member? 5) What are his intentions with her?

I've done a bit of research on caffeine consumption. Although there is some disagreement between doctors, there is a general consensus that you can consume up to 300 mg of caffeine per day without significant health risks assuming that you have a healthy heart. Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure to high levels, so bad hearts and caffeine don't mix. Consuming caffeine in the morning is less problematic than drinking it anytime after noon, since caffeine can cause insomnia even if you consumed it in the early afternoon. A typical 8 ounce cup of coffee has about 100 mg of caffeine. In comparison, an 8 ounce Red Bull has 80 mg of caffeine. There are a few 16 ounce energy drinks with 240 mg of caffeine, so one per day would reach the maximum limit. The benefit to energy drinks is that it's a more efficient medium to consume caffeine than say regular soda. For example, 2 liters of Mountain Dew has 310 mg of caffeine. You'd have to drink 4 times more Mountain Dew to beat out the 16 ounce energy drink with 240 mg in it. Caffeine does have benefits. It gives you more energy and speeds up brain function. What you do with the energy is up to you. Some people use it to get fit, because they have more energy to exercise and some use it to prepare for presentations or tests. Others just waste the energy on unproductive pursuits. This thread has covered the drawbacks pretty well, so I thought I'd throw in the other side of the argument. My opinion is to avoid using it every day, but if you need a one-time boost now and again it's not likely to hurt you if consumed in moderation.

I don't think I've ever been angry, when I could say afterwards "Wow, I'm sure glad that I got angry in that moment." Anger clouds judgment and makes you do things that you regret later. The scriptures tell us to "not be easily provoked" and to "put off anger." That being said, it's a natural emotion that everybody feels. We can work on how hard it is to provoke us and how we deal with it when we have it. I always have a cooling down period of 72 hours before I react to an event that causes me anger. I want to be level headed when I dish out consequences. The example of Christ cleansing the temple is not something that is given to us. God and Christ have reserved anger for the Godhead.

Sheri Dew had a debacle happen with her roommate and best friend. She was dating a guy seriously while she was in her mid 30’s and were contemplating marriage. They decided to fast and pray separately about whether they should marry. By the end of the weekend her suitor revealed that he didn't want to marry her — instead, he was going to marry her best friend and roommate, whom he had been dating unbeknownst to her. That obviously ended her relationship with the guy and her best friend! It is very clear that she isn't single by choice. Back to the original topic, I agree with the advice that the OP should try to move to a better LDS dating area after graduating. One thing that I wish more single women understood is that the demand to date them has a lot to do with age. It will be much tougher sledding at age 35 versus at age 28. If you put yourself out there during the next few years at least you'll have a peace of mind about whether marriage was the right direction for your life. If no viable marriage opportunities come you way when you've tried for a few years, then you can live the life you want alone. On the other hand, you might actually meet someone who changes your mind. It's easy to dismiss the marriage concept when you have no options. It'll be a much easier decision when you actually can put a face with the marriage concept.

Anybody that dates 5 years without a commitment needs to provide an ultimatim or just walk away. You don't want to waste too many of your prime dating years on somebody who refuses to commit. You are likely to find someone who values you more if you keep searching. The red flags mentioned are disconcerting, but should be viewed in the context of the 5 year relationship. She definitely has enough information now to make a clear cut decision about whether he's the right guy. She should have known enough within a year to decide.

I had one institute teacher that tried to pass off his personal opinions on a variety of topics as church doctrine. He would say one thing every other class or so that clearly wasn't doctrine. Since I was in law school at the time, I was never hesitant to correct him and argue the point. Unfortunately, it detracted from his lesson and I could sense from his body language that he wasn't too comfortable with me questioning him, so I stopped going. I don't recall everything he said, but here's few items that I disagreed with him about: 1) All gays come from an abusive background 2) You should start each date with a prayer 3) You can marry any other righteous person and it will work The bottom line is that you should take what you learn from institute/seminary teachers and compare it with the scriptures and what other church leaders have said on the topic. All teachers are human and have certain biased, so it's practically impossible to be spoon fed 100% doctrine every class.

It's extremely short-sighted not to buy a house in most areas. I don't know about where everybody else lives, but it's actually cheaper where I live to buy a house than to rent. Did I mention that I get to deduct the mortgage interest on my taxes and that the house will be mine rent-free when I pay it off? I also can't get ousted by a landlord ever. For those reasons alone, I'd buy a house even if the Second Coming happens within 10 years. Don't misunderstand me, there are legitimate reasons to want to stay renting, but waiting for the Second Coming isn't one of them. In fact, none of my important life decisions are made with the aforethought that the Millennium might derail my long-term plans. If the Millennium happens to intervene with something I'm investing in where I don't receive the real payoff in this lifetime, I still don't think it'll be my biggest worry on the day of the Second Coming like whether my spiritual affairs are in order.

5 years is never too big of an age gap in adult dating. An 18 year old should be able to date all the way up to a 25 year old without major issues. It only becomes a problem when there's a serious mismatch in life experience and maturity.

The way you are describing it, it sounds as though your ex-wife pretty much controls your life. You stated that you won't risk leaving town for a single weekend and that you can't drive on a whim to the stake center in the off chance that your ex-wife will drop off your daughter. That is pure silliness. I am having a hard time believing that your custody agreement has terms that support such an arrangement. Have you tried talking to your ex-wife about supporting your goal of finding someone else to date in other regions? If she doesn't agree. Lawyer up and get it into the agreement. There are ways to accomplish both priorities if you are motivated. I did throw out the idea that you can take the lead on organizing MSA activities within your stake boundaries, which you seemed to have dismissed out of hand.

It seems to me that you wanted justification for dating outside the church all along, since you dismissed out of hand all other ideas presented that would allow you to date within the church. To each his own...

That pretty much sums up the very important principle of "reaping what you sow."

He reminds me of so many other singles who are giving lip service about the desire to marry, yet when pressed about actual strategy and action towards dating their actions don’t match their words even remotely. To succeed, you need to take ownership of your success or failure at dating. You can announce as loudly as you want to the world that you are trying to find a spouse, but until you start making it a priority you are very unlikely to succeed. Elder Dallin H. Oaks summarized it this way in the April 2011 general conference: “Those who are single should desire a temple marriage and exert priority efforts to obtain it.” I can predict exactly where he'll be in 10 years if he continues down the same path of passivity. I know one guy who took ownership of the MSA program in his stake also in a remote area. He contacted all the less active MSA in his stake and invited them to activities and created a listserve to communicate. Eventually, his efforts paid off when he met a local single LDS woman that showed up to one of his activities. They ended up getting married and he passed the torch of keeping the MSA program alive to someone else. You don't always know what God's plan is for each of us, but I do know that those MSA that put themselves out there and exert priority efforts are much more likely to be blessed with a marriage opportunity than someone who does little to nothing to find someone compatible.

You are unable/unwilling to ever leave town on weekends. Since you can't/won't make sacrifices to find someone new, you are resigned to "flirt to convert" unless you can convince some LDS woman to bear 100% of the travel burden to visit you.

I realize that it's tough sledding where you're located, but you may need to take drastic measures during your prime dating years if you expect to meet someone. That means attending MSA conferences wherever they may be. A lot of these conferences have a 3:1 girl-guy ratio, so you have numbers on your side. I wouldn't discount online dating even though it's less effective. If they're active on a website, they might be motivated to do long-distance relationships. There seems to be a lot of high quality divorcees that just don't have time to find dates. The other approach is to fly into Utah on weekends once a month and go to as many activities as you can or use Utah's matchmaker to set you up. Flirting to convert is another option. All of the ideas are sub-optimal, but people in worse situations than you have succeeded based on being motivated and taking some risks. You have more control than you think about the outcome of whether you get married again or remain single perpetually.

The church's SA program doesn't work for midsingles. I have never ever seen a lot of midsingles enthusiastically mingling with the 50+ crowd. If there isn't a MSA program in your area, you can either 1) ask the local and area leadership to start one or 2) move to Utah. Alternatively, you can date online. The choice is yours.

You seem unwilling to examine the facts. Instead, you are awfully quick to judge him deficient for marriage. Let's break down his actions: 1) Abuse - He punched a wall and throwing a cell phone across a room that she wasn't in. He is adamant that no physical abuse has occurred nor are there allegations of sexual abuse, and it's a little fuzzy what the extent of psychological/mental/emotional abuse is. Let me tell you a story. My father was psychologically abusive to my mother for years when he lost his temper. You see my dad was imperfect and he struggled with anger in his 20s and 30s. There were a couple times, that my mom could have justifiably left the marriage, but she hung in there instead. After a number of years, my dad mellowed and didn't lose his temper very often anymore. In fact, he was called to be the bishop of our ward. During his tenure as bishop, he called in young men from less active families that everybody had given up on and persuaded them to serve missions. A couple of them followed through and served missions. How did he do it? He relayed the message that God knows imperfect people and wants them to be better. There were other members in the stake that were offended that these kids made it into the mission field despite their shady past, yet today those kids are valiant church members because my dad didn't give up and more importantly my mom didn't give up on my dad when adversity hit. His wife may be justified in giving up on the marriage, but that doesn't mean she should. Based on the information revealed thus far, it certainly isn't a no brainer that she should leave with abuse as the justification. 2) Adultery - His experience with the massage parlor wasn't foreseeable and wasn't premeditated. He gave into a moment of weakness, but showed some self-restraint in the end. This incident by itself does not justify anybody leaving the marriage. 3) Addiction - His wife knew about his struggles prior to the marriage. It sounds like the OP is trying to work through his issues. If all the women in the church left their husbands that struggle with pornography, there wouldn't be many marriages left. Do you remember Enos and Alma the Younger? Enos had his sins forgiven him through one prayer. Alma the Younger changed overnight from a very wicked disposition. I certainly am not discrediting your research on abuse and addiction, but I fail to see based on these facts that he is the bad abuser that you claim. Instead, you seem to haphazardly be condemning him not worthy of being in his marriage. He is not a lost cause if he can turn things around. I'd rather see him work through his issues with addiction while married where he can be a father to his daughter. I'm also not convinced that the abuse he described justifies a divorce. Imperfect people should stay married if they can.

They are married and have a kid together. Do you honestly believe that he'll never have another conversation with her ever again? Things need to be worked out and talked through. Protection orders are commonplace in adversarial divorces and have a limited duration, so there will be a time when communication will again be sustained. When that time comes, he should be prepared to come back humble and contrite.

Based on the facts presented, he's never hit her nor has he committed adultery. Has he crossed the line? Yes, but to say that he's guilty of those three things isn't really fair to the OP. It sounds like the OP is maturing through the adversity that he has caused on his family. My advice to the OP is to apologize to his wife and be cordial and willing to work things out on her terms. You'll have to acknowledge that the worst case scenario could play out that she won't ever want you back, but leave the door open as long as you can for her to change her mind by dragging things out and letting your intentions be known that you will do everything in your power to try and become the person that she will want to get back together with. That means no ultimatims or duress ever again. Get a handle on her expectations and deliver so that the decisions is easier for her. Whoever stated that he needs 2-5 years of self improvement doesn't really know the gospel very well. Change of hearts can come overnight. If it becomes a process, he'll progress a lot faster while married than while alone. It's in his best interest to get back together with his wife and daughter, but not necessarily hers.

Community colleges are pretty much open enrollment, so admission decisions probably only take a few days to process. One novel idea is to call the admissions office on the phone and ask if your application has been received and is complete! You can probably find out within 10 minutes where you stand. As far as worrying about college costs, I'd advise applying to a few schools to open up your options. You might find out that you have scholarship offers to other schools and even pell grants to pay for your first year. If there is a shortfall on living expenses, you can either find a part-time job or take out a student loan. This has been done by millions of students even ones that don't have familial support. It's sometimes scary to step into the unknown, but you'll gain experience and be wiser if you are willing to take some risks in life.

A couple of observations from the original post. 1) You have to come to terms with the fact that she may or may not be romantically interested in you. You went on a couple dates and told her that "you care for her." What does that really mean? Did you already state your romantic intentions? Or was it kind of a left to your own interpretation kind of comment where you could be interested in either a friendship or a relationship? I know this happened all prior to your mission a couple years ago, but it certainly can have some bearing on strategy to convert whatever you have going on now into a relationship. 2) You have to take your shot. The good women get taken off the market at some point, but there appears to be an opening now where she hasn't committed to anyone else. Therefore, you need to tell her how you feel about her face to face. She probably has already decided whether she will give you a shot or not, so at least you'll know after she reacts to your message to her. 3) Be thoughtful about the timing. The risk of chasing her now is that you'll be chasing her long-distance I assume, which could make things hard for both of you. However, if it works out you'll be a happy camper when she returns to BYU-I. Alternative, you could wait until she returns making the transition easier. 4) You are going to have to reveal your true self eventually. It's impossible to walk on eggshells your whole life. If you are fortunate enough that she accepts a relationship with you, you will be revealing your true self over time. It's too early to tell whether she is into that version of you. You shouldn't be stressing about that now. You take risks that could lead to heartache and failure or the ultimate success of getting married. Time will tell. 5) Lighten up. You seem to have all your eggs in one basket and are totally stressed about the outcome. As the others have alluded, you need to lighten up. If you come across as high stressed and afraid that even one misstep will cause the demise of the relationship, she probably won't feel comfortable and safe around you. Be yourself and work towards being laid back in conversation. 6) Sell yourself. You come across as not confident and swayed by what other people think about you. That's no way to approach dating. You need to sell your potential and show her that you have a bright future. You don't need to know 100% of the details of your career, but you should have ambition and be preparing to succeed. Finally, on intellectual capacity she probably doesn't match up with most guys if she has an elite intellect. Thus, maybe there is a chance that you can relate to her if you have above average intelligence. You will need to get more comfortable around her to have a reasonable shot at winning her over.