I don't want it to seem as if my first post is complaining, but I'm hoping to get some outside input from people who don't know me.
I converted to the church when I was 21, from a Baptist/C&MA background. When I first started studying with the missionaries, it shocked most of my friends. I had some tell me I was making a horrible mistake, others said that if I did join the church, they wouldn't speak to me. One friend went to the point where she introduced me to a friend of her's, who was a former member. My family basically hated the idea, and in no uncertain terms, told me of their opinion. After five months I decided to go ahead with baptism, but this wasn't without a lot of reservations.
So I got baptized. Less than a month after that, I got kicked out of the place I was living(with three days notice, which is technically illegal here). So I ended up staying with my bishops family. I ended up being there eight months, until I could find a job and a place that was affordable. Sounds like everything is good, right? The job I was working was as a CNA in the local nursing home. I would work 12 hour overnight shifts six to seven nights in a row. Durng this time I would go to church as often as I could, even when sometimes it meant I fell asleep in RS. Four months into this schedule, I ended up in the hospital for severe depression/Suicidal ideation. They had trouble getting the meds regulated, so I ended up being transferred to the state hospital. During this time, my bishop and HT's were wonderful. Checking on me, watching my apt, providing encouragement, etc. So I ended up in the state hospital, that time for a period of nine months. To make a long story short, in the last three years, I've had eleven hospital stays, three of them in the state hospital.
My most recent one ended this past December. While I am grateful to have made it this long(it's been nearly three months, and before this, my longest period between IP stays was six weeks), it's not been the easiest. See, while I was in the hospital, it was easy to let anything spiritual slide. I wasn't able to attend church meetings, my living situation was in a different ward, and the bishop there didn't stay in touch the way my first bishop had. So I let everything slide. Now, I'm out, and tho it took about six weeks, I've started attending meetings again. But I'm still struggling. I'm in a ward now, whereas when I first joined, I was in a branch of about sixty. I don't do well in crowds where I don't know most of the people. And it's hard for me to go up and introduce myself to people. So, as you can figure out, I don't speak up in SS/RS. So now I feel totally isolated, except for the few(three to five) people who've managed to break the ice with me.
The past few Sundays I've been going, but not feeling anything. I was hoping since this week was a F/T meeting, I would feel something, like I used to. No luck. I went home feeling disappointed, but still a little hopeful, since there was a YSA broadcast Sunday night. I watched it, hoping, but still nothing. My ward doesn't really have a YSA program, no Institute, and no stake YSA rep. The bishop and I have talked about a couple of ideas, but out of the list he gave me(107 YSA members listed in the stake), not even a dozen of us attend meetings on a regular basis.
So now I'm not only confused with why I'm not feeling anything, I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to, and nothing is happening in my life. I don't have a calling, I don't even have a job right now(although hopefully that will change soon), and I'm feeling kind of worthless. I have to wonder if it's even worth it to keep going to church/meetings or if I should just give up on organized religion altogether. My one VT saw a very brief synopsis of this post, and got concerned, but it wouldn't be that hard for me to drop out of the church scene, with knowing so few people, it will be less who I have to say good bye to.
Anyways, sorry this is so long, I could just use some outside advice. Thank you