Ron65

#4 (permalink) 02-05-2014, 12:50 PM Ron65 Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: England Religion: Mormon / LDS / Christian Posts: 42 Thanks: 1 Thanked 19 Times in 14 Posts Laughs: 0 Laughs at 0 Times in 0 Posts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First, you might feel I am being too kind with the comments I am about to give, but I only give constructive opinions if I see potential. Second; yes I am feeling sorry, not because of your poem, but because it’s the only one you have written that can be shared with us. Thirdly, although the poem has the feel of an 11-year-old, it was a good attempt and you have some talent for rhyming, which is not an easy skill, AND it also contains some quite subtle poetic devices, which might surprise you. I often analyse poetry to discover what lies within, which is quite often missed on the first reading only because I first try to feel the flow or musicality of the poem. I then re-read to see how the rhyming comes though (if used) and also to see if it contains any echoing sound effects, both obvious and subtle. Some poetry have very subtle rhyming/half-rhyming devices and in many cases, very subtle echoes too, which your poem has. Although the poem was written when you were 11 years old, I noticed some interesting things going on. First of all, let’s get the negative out of the way, which I am quite sure you are aware of. Its one small drawback is the ‘flow’ of words; but other than that, as I said, it has some interesting elements within the poem, which you may not have been aware of. The obvious poetic device used comes across loud and clear, which is the rhyming, as I have already mentioned. The poem, again as already mentioned, also contains subtle sound effects, or echoes as they are sometimes called. I don’t know if you are familiar with poetic terms or not, but the first line for example uses the device called ‘assonance’, which is the repetition of internal vowel sounds as found in ‘have’ and ‘dachshund’ and in line two, although the vowels are different (the ‘e’ and ‘i’) the words ‘he is’ have the same sound. In line three it happens in a group of three; ‘always chases badgers’. That line also contains echoes at the end of each word where the letter ‘s’ is used, (referred to as the repetition of consonant sounds, either internal and as endings) . In line four, we have assonance again (with the sounds of the letter ‘i’ ) in the words ‘which’ and ‘him’ and a very subtle consonance with the letter ‘h’ in both words. In line five you have used the device called ‘alliteration’ where the first letter sound is repeated as in ‘he has’ and in line six, ‘funny floppy’ plus an extra echo (consonance) with the letter ‘y’ at the end of each word. So, even though it was written when you were quite young, it has some interesting poetic devices, probably subconsciously written, that holds it together and makes it sound quite charming. If the flow was corrected it would sound even better, but don’t you dare change it, or you will lose that childhood feel about it. Mind you, I suppose you could re-write it to create a new poem based on the original. With those subtle poetic devices pointed out, you might now read that poem in a different light and actually ‘feel’ the poetry coming though. I always enjoy reading children’s poetry, which are often quite naïve due to the lack of poetic understand, but they always come though in a sweet and charming way; they are honest pieces of writing that comes from the heart.

The message posted here is in the wrong place so has been removed and placed in its correct place at http://www.lds.net/forums/poetry/58208-my-one-only-poem-11-year-old.html

Why not share it with us. It might set you off on a new path of discovery. Creating poetry is a divine attribute. The Book of Psalms is rich in free verse poetry, all divinely written, a gift from heaven.

You can move forward in one of two ways. 1 - Continue from the end of the last write and progress towards the end; but as you write, your current feelings, mood, family and personal concerns etc., will probably, on a subconscious level, influence your thoughts and inner feelings that could lead you to an ending based on those influences, be it sad or happy. You say you are afraid it might end with a sad note; a writer must never be afraid of how a poem might end; it can create problems for the writer that leads to writer's block or holds the poet back from progressing or completing a poem. 2 - if you ARE concerned about a possible sad ending and want to avoid it, then write the ending NOW, with a happy result, even if it’s just the last two lines or the last stanza, then try to work out/invent a pathway that leads to that happy ending. You current feelings and emotions as outlined in No 1 above will still become an influence in your writing, but as you write, you can have greater control over your subconscious influences based on the conscious ending you have created - if you see what I mean. If the original draft comes out with sad overtones, you can of course take control and change them once you see the results on paper or the computer screen. Write from the heart and then make light changes that suit the poems storyline that leads to the planned ending. Do you what I do sometimes, I do automatic writing where I simply let the subconscious mind pour out its feelings and thoughts onto paper with no control of what comes out (within he bounds of moral acceptance of course). I can quite quickly fill a full sheet of A4 with what might at first sight appear to be gibberish, but within that page of gibberish you will find little gems here and there that can be untilised within a poem. Let the mind go; be completely free from conscious thought and let the words flow. Write whatever your subconscious tells you to put onto paper. As an example, while writing this message I suddenly came out with - 'the man gave away his brooch but now regrets it and wanted to find a way to get it back without feeling awkward about it. 'How can I get it back he thought', 'steal it, plead insanity, explain how my heavy debts caused me to act irrationally and beg for the return of the brooch, get the dog to retrieve it, he loves toffees and refused to share it with the cat, the cat was offended so refused to help and told the neighbour'. Re-reading those words, some of it is plain gibberish, but within those few words there could be a gem of an idea, something sensible, logical and even powerful. Whenever I feel stumped, I find automatic writing extremely simulating for generating ideas for poems. On other occasions, which is an excellent way of helping us become more observant, I simply sit and write down everything I can see, hear and smell around me. The resultant notes then become a useful resource for ideas that can be used in future poems.

Have you noticed how sunflowers hang their heads because of its weight. Seeing sunflowers in my own garden, looking down at the smaller flowers as though watching over them was the inspiration of this free verse poem. Sunflowers in my garden are dying and are ready for the moment of death; but whilst in their prime, they caused the sun to hide its shame by their glorious golden hues in times when life was vibrant and youth was on their side. Overpowered by their cumbrous height, they endured a season of millstones as they towered above the lesser species; yet, leaning forward with heads bowed down, heavy with weighty burdens, they act as though they were mothers watching over adopted little ones. Sweet, tender blossoms gazed upward with tears of morning dew dripping to the ground in remorse for their dying, sunflower mothers.

What - keep posting, writing or creating families? Thank you for reading.

In my opinion, acrostic poetry is more difficult than writing poetry that rhymes. Thank you for your comments.

Free verse poem I have five words I wish to say; Like the words I said last night Over dinner when you seemed to be Very anxious about your age, Even though you need not have been. You still look good, getting Old makes no difference to me; let’s Unleash the powers we have within; let’s be Victorious and pretend we have Eternal youth on our side and Rave and rap every day of the Year. Let’s Mooch a little, Undo our inhibitions to Chase away the blues to beckon Happy days in the autumn of living.

Thank you Chris.

I'm sure many will enjoy reading your poetry, but it's a pity there's very few who respond with comments.

We often find when writing poetry that we simply do not know the end. That for me, is what makes poetry so fascinating; it's a journey of discovery. However, it can happen the other way too; we can know the end and then try to write a beginning and a middle to take us to the end. I'll tell you something, if you don't finish your poem, it can nag you and your readers for quite a long time until you eventually do find an end for it. I wrote something similar last year. In was written in three parts and it was the third part that was written first; I then wrote the second part and finished by writing the first part. I published it on a poetry forum in the order I wrote them, which kept the reader's intrigued. It was about an old man who was seen sitting by the coast looking very solemn and sour and he eventually died. When part three was finished I then had to find out why he was so down. It turned out to be quite sad. I enjoyed your poem by the way, and as your friend said, you need to finish it. You can't keep us on a cliff hanger for too long.

I believe I have remarked on this poem elsewhere and I still say it's a beautiful poem that puts an element of spirituality into nature. I particularly liked the third stanza with its internal rhyme that creates nice sound effects coupled with the end of line rhyme.

A thought popped into my mind of how life comes around in one eternal circle and wrote this little free form poem to record that pondering. I only spent about 20 minutes on the poem and would like some feedback on its content, structure and flow etc. For those who may not know, free form must have rhyme but it's not rhyme set to a fixed pattern as found in traditional poetry, therefore the poet has the freedom to place them wherever he or she wishes. I was once but a spirit, two thoughts in my parent’s minds, intertwined, mingled with love that became flesh, a babe in their arms a bundle of joy, a boy, that grew to ponder such things with thoughts of my own intertwined with wings of another mingled with love to become flesh, a babe of our own, a bundle of joy.

You are not the only one who feels they have a problem with punctuation; most people do to some degree, including myself. Using punctuation in poetry is about 'feeling' rather than 'correctness'. Some poets ignore punctuation and grammar all together in their poetry, but there are still a few rules that needs to be considered so as to make the poem read with the right flow and pace. For example, where you feel a comma may be needed, instead of using a comma, you could break the line and begun a new one. Poetry is written line upon line, whereas prose is not, it's written in paragraphs, much like this message. As for publishing some of your poetry in a book, you can do it without any cost to yourself, yes, really; apart form buying a copy or two for your own bookshelf. It can be done through LULU or AMAZON. The slight drawback to that however is, you will need to compose the enire book yourself from title page, contents page and on to the very last page plus front and back covers. It is time consuming but worth it - I do all my own book creating and cover designing. But having said that, they do have what's called preset books; all you need to do so is to paste your poems onto each page and set up a sale price. The only drawback with that is, all the books sold by the company look very much alike rather than something individual and unique. But then, some don't mind that idea.

The more the merrier. Thank you Chris.

There's much more to poetry than meets the eye. There are two basic groups; 1 - open form, which as already explained, there are three categories, but there are also sub categories;. 2 - there is also closed form poetry, which is poetry written within very strict rules of rhyming and metric patterns, commonly known as traditional poetry. As for free form, many tend to think that it's a modern format, but that isn't strictly true, it actually goes back to the 1500s, some of which can be found in the Book of Psalms, which was translated into English in free verse format and reads beautifully. The fact that you say you never studied poetry amazes me; your work comes across as though you had. All I can say is, you must have a natural talent for writing poetry. Have you ever thought of self-publishing a collection of works?

Yes, it's one of my own. Thank you for reading.

Hello Brother. I have been a member of the church since 1977 and I'm 65 years old and serve in the high priest group. I can tell you now that Satan desires to have you and one way he does that is to place endless negative feelings into your heart and drag you down to the lowest level of self-worth. He wants you, and will use anyone, and I mean ANYONE, including those you love, to drag you down; so don't let him work on you or take you away from your family because of a few negative words and thoughts. Besides, if you believe in the afterlife, the consequences of suicide once we go beyond the veil is rather frightening to think about. I contemplated ending my life many, many years ago. I was a non-Mormon teenager at the time and battled with depression. I still battle with depression today, but have learnt to manage it. I remember reading recently that one of our earlier prophets battled with depression, but found ways to handle it and we need to follow that example. Some of the strongest people in the world are those who suffer from this problem and manage to pull through; and although we might not see it at the time, it's a strength and a character builder. One great benefit of depression is, when we pull through the bad days it helps us become more sensitive and compassionate to others with similar challenges and we feel capable of offering advice based on experience. Do you know what I think? Those who suffer from depression often have something special to offer in helping to build the Kingdom of God, and Satan knows it; he knows you personally and of your spiritual capabilities and with that in his mind he makes war with you and wants to stop you from progressing. That’s how I look at my own depression. I have something special and it turned out that I did. When I was ordained to the priesthood back in the 1970s I was told during an interview with the stake counsellor that he felt impressed to say that I had a special talent that would be used by the church. Both he and myself didn’t have a clue what that talent was at the time, but some years later it turned out to be correct. I have since that day, through assignments and callings, researched, gathered information and written books on church history for my stake and town. So my special talent has helped preserve local church history. So I repeat, don’t let Satan take control of your life, you must take control of your own circumstances and pull though victoriously, which I’m sure you will do.

It takes great strength and courage to make a public admission of one's mistakes and of having been excommuicated and to top it off, you have continued to exercise your faith in Christ; you have my admiration for that. I do hope you will be re-baptised soon and thank you for your testimony. I am a new member of this forum myself, (just a few days). Welcome.

Here's a little free form poem written last month. It's best to read it aloud rather than in your mind. The evening air, once filled with the thrill of bees, now falls silent and cool; only evergreens are singing with the breeze attended by the melody of blackbirds, the random rhythms of a robin, the soft refrains of field mice, and the intermittent drumming of a hungry woodpecker. Snowdrops, the crocus and daffodils are waking, peeping through the cover of mother earth to catch the sound of nature’s hymns while the owl sits in his chapel with his head dancing side to side, quietly tooting along with the winter choir.

Pam has kindly opened a new section for anyone who would like to post poetry to the forum. Its aim is to invite all those who enjoy poetry to submit traditional and free form poems for reading, for comments and constructive critique, grammar, to exchange thoughts and ideas, to help and teach one another about the craft of poetry, to place notices about competitions and publishing opportunities etc. In short, anything and everything to do with poetry. So why not get involved; get writing and get posting.

I found an interesting, 26 page article titled 'Poetry Matters in Mormon Culture', which outlines some very interesting facts about traditional v free verse poetry. It also speaks of how an interest in poetry in the Mormom community seems to be falling. The artictle can be found as a PDF file at http://www.dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V36N02_11.pdf.

Thank you. I once belonged to a local astronomical society and was heavily involved with astrophotograghy. Although I am no longer a member I still volunteer my time as their webmaster.

Wow! Comparing the event of salvation with the event of the restoration, both of which ties together, is a clever idea. I like the concept. Thank you.

If only the world would heed such words. This is a poem that could cause readers to thing about one's behaviour. Nice one.