EragonPaolini

Hi, I seriously hope I am not annoying people with all of my posts so please feel free not to read this if this bores you or anything but now that I have decided I am open to dating, that pretty much changes my plans and it is exciting. I do not really know anyone in real life due to the fact that I just moved so I am sharing on the internet with you guys. Today I got a job offer at the grocery store and I plan to work for one year and after that year I plan to go to London on a visitor's visa for 6 months and visit my friend Rupert, I have not been to the UK in over 3 years, I am in California now. The reason why is that I want to earn enough money to not only pay for the round trip ticket but I also want to have at least $10,000 USD in my bank account since the immigration officers might want to see that. I do not want to ask my parents to put the money in because I am not sure they would approve of my going to England, that is why I am paying for all of this myself you see. A lot of thoughts do come into my head as I contemplate this decision. When I lived in Shepherd's Bush, London, what I did daily was I would go to one soup kitchen for lunch and another for dinner. I had some friends there. But they were homeless so I don't have their contact info or even their full names, I didn't ask. I wonder if any of them will still be there when I go there. Basically I would show up at the soup kitchens and see if they were there. I might go to the evening soup kitchen where I could less conspicuously have a look to see if they are there. It's kind of intimidating because it's mostly men at the soup kitchen and I don't want them to be like "what is she doing here." If none of the people I used to know is still there I guess I could introduce myself to someone. I also plan to brush up on my Polish before I go because most of the people at the soup kitchen tend to speak Polish. I have not spoken Polish for 3 years. Also, when I am in London, I am hoping to find a boyfriend/future husband. I know what you may be thinking "Why not find someone in America?" Well you see I was a bit of a late bloomer and I didn't start dating until the day before I turned 22. It was someone I met at a soup kitchen and the 2nd person I dated was also someone I met at the soup kitchen. It was a serious relationship. So I guess it's familiarity. Plus another thing is that maybe this sounds bad to say, but with homeless people or people who drink a lot, they tend to be more easygoing so I would feel more comfortable than I would around "normal guys". Plus, I sort of like the leisurely life. I know that sounds mean because these people sleep rough so I shouldn't make it out to be a good thing but I dunno, I sort of like hanging out with them, the lifestyle is sort of fun and interesting. I feel pretty good about the idea of meeting a partner in London. I have a pretty good idea how it will work. Basically, I will make some friends and hopefully one of them will happen to be a good looking guy around my age. There are usually some people my age at the soup kitchens. Most of the Polish people are friends so if I make friends with one of them I should be able to talk to the one I get interested in. After talking to him a few times I plan to nonchalantly start holding his hand. One concern that I do have regarding getting a BF there is that I am not a UK citizen. I have read the immigration policy and they say that you are not meant to live in the UK for extensive periods through frequent and successive visits. However, it seems that they are saying you are not meant to make it your main home and to try to work there or stuff like that. If I had a BF there I would want to go there 5-6 months a year but it is possible it would be OK because from that document it seems like they are mainly trying to screen out people who are really living there most of the time. Also, I would genuinely be there to visit friends and I can also show my bank account that I can support myself while I am there. Another option would be if we got serious, I could apply for a marriage visitor visa which allows you to marry while you are there. However, they may say that my hypothetical partner, despite being an EU citizen, does not technically have the right to reside if he is not supporting himself, working, or studying. So I am not sure about that but hopefully they will let me in every time. The marriage visitor visa differs from the EEAC family permit which is more rigorous which requires that the EU citizen be working or financially independent. The marriage visitor visa just allows you the right to visit for 6 months, not to live there. So I may possibly get that if we get serious. Basically I was thinking I have never been outside of London so I was thinking if I had a boyfriend we could go to another city and have a look around. Also I could take pictures of myself and my friends. When I left London I regretted that I didn't have pictures of anyone. I also think that it would be fun to go to different places around London such as parks and stuff like that. Back in the day with my 2 ex boyfriends we just sat in the local park but we didn't really go anywhere. I don't know why. Also in the past few years I have become interested in buying designer clothes so I would love to go to the shops with my future boyfriend. Well I sort of did that with my last boyfriend but we went to True Religion to buy jeans whereas right now I am more interested in high fashion. I know you might be thinking "Well it might offend a poor person if you were to spend that much money in front of him" but honestly if we were in a loving relationship I don't think the person would mind.

I had posted another thread about how it bothered me for over 3 years that men are attracted to other women in a relationship. I suspected that God was starting to change how I felt 2 days after I started praying about it, but I kept second guessing myself, asking myself, are you SURE you feel this way? over and over to the point that I got very confused and didn't know how I felt. What I DO know is that I had this thought "A man may be attracted to other women for a few seconds, but it would be you he really cared about". My first reaction to this thought was a feeling of peace and feeling like I would feel comfortable being in a relationship. Now, I had heard people say this to me many times over the years, but my mind and heart responded, "OK, sure, but it still bothers me that he's attracted to them, even if it's me that he loves and wants to be with." Before I wrote this, I read something about how men are genetically programmed to desire more than one woman. My first reaction to this was a feeling of relief and understanding. Like this is okay. I understand. I had also heard this one hundreds of times and every time I heard it my feeling was, "That may be the case and they are hardwired this way and can't help it, but it still bothers me and seems terribly wrong." Perhaps instead of second guessing myself over and over and accusing myself of not really feeling OK with this, I should accept that Heavenly Father is responding to my prayers and trying to change how I feel because I did pray to Him several times asking Him to somehow make me feel okay with this and be able to marry someday which is what He commands us to do. On a positive note, I just got hired as a Safeway clerk today so I'll be starting work there in a few days.

Bini, that's great that after you were married you did not feel attracted to other men. That is great of you. I don't necessarily think you have to be lured in to be attracted though. For example, when I walk past handsome guys I feel attracted to them while they are walking by but I don't plan to go talk to them or anything. With that said I find it to be unacceptable for men who are already in relationships to feel any sort of way when walking past pretty women other than making an observation that they happen to be good looking. Squidster, Thank you SO much for your kind words. I actually am so overwhelmed over asking myself over and over "Say you are with a man and he is attracted to others, does this bother you" that I can barely figure out how I feel. Sometimes when I think about things and keep pressuring myself to answer a question it doesn't come to me. To test it out I said to myself "Imagine you are with a man and he just kissed another woman" and even THAT didn't bring any feelings of discomfort. I think I'm just pressuring myself too much. But I think it's safe to assume this issue still bothers the objective me. Yes I think at some point when I have my head on straight I will try to talk to the relief society president although this is very embarrassing. Papa, yes I know that a lot of people would actually have even more respect for their husbands if they were attracted to other women and didn't act on it. However, I happen to feel that attraction is inappropriate to begin with and should not be happening. I guess staying single isn't the end of the world though. I have after all been single for over 3 years and it's probably just something I have to accept due to my viewpoint.

Hi Kapikui, yes you're right some women cheat as well which is very inappropriate of them. That is interesting what you wrote about how men are able to produce so much offspring. Squidster thanks for your encouraging comments. I think I was a bit premature in thinking it doesn't bother me as much. The thing is that when you are constantly asking yourself "okay so does this issue bother you" you feel pressured and you can't really get an answer. At least that has been the case for me when I keep second guessing myself and asking myself how I feel about something. I can't really work out how I feel if I keep badgering myself about it. But at the end of the day when I ask myself if I am interested in dating in the future I still get a strong sense of discomfort so I think it's safe to say that this issue does bother me. In the past I believed that morally sound people who got into relationships' attraction to other people automatically turned off and I now know that is not the case. If such a relationship is impossible which I am forced to believe with what I have read about men's biological programming, I do not want to date. How can I explain it, it just wouldn't feel right, I wouldn't be able to feel that the man was true to me and fully open up my heart to him knowing that he still felt some sort of way around other women.

Awwwwwwwwwwwww I'm so happy you got to go to the temple again!!!!!!!! :) :) :)

I can't afford professional counseling, unemployed atm. I don't know if it would help though since I don't have a disorder like depression, etc. But I am still praying about it. I know I can't do this on my own but God does call us to marry and have eternal families so I think He has the power to change me. I don't want to get my hopes up TOO much, maybe it's just my imagination, but thinking about men's attraction to other women has actually been bothering me LESS since I started praying about it. It's like it still bothers me and seems inappropriate, but for some reason the accompanying shock and horror that usually follow seem greatly diminished. I am VERY new in the church - if I wanted to talk to someone in the church about it who should I talk to? The Relief Society president? I am embarrassed about this also since I know my views are very unconventional.

Actually I do agree with you that you can notice that someone is pretty without feeling attracted to them. As I like to say, I'm straight but I think lots of women are beautiful. That does not mean I am attracted to them. Same goes with my thinking my male relatives are handsome, I am also not attracted to them. With that said, I have heard from men that I respected as well as read books and studies that confirmed that men are attracted to other women while in relationships as opposed to simply observing that they are pretty. This phenomenon is discussed in the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn as well as Every Man's Battle, also a Christian book. Men are hardwired to be attracted to more than one woman at once despite their relationship status.

Hi I am 26 years old. No I do not think that men are lustful pigs especially Christian men, all the men whom I have seen at church seem to be very humble and good people. I totally see that this is a biological thing and that men (and some women) can't help it. I'm not blaming men since I know they don't feel this way intentionally but to me if I am with a man and he is attracted to another woman, he might as well be sleeping with another woman because he has already crossed the threshold and stepped out of bounds anyways. I cannot imagine myself getting married because to me a man is not being true to me if he feels a spark or electricity towards another woman. Don't get me wrong, I wish that this issue didn't bother me. It makes me sad knowing that I will never be able to be close to a man or have that warm feeling inside when you are in a relationship with someone. However I think what I have to do is just get used to it since this is how I feel and I don't seem to be able to overcome this issue as much as I would like to. I am still waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare in which people are attracted to others while in a relationship.

Wow, this is great. You are very knowledgeable about scripture.

Hey Jane, yes it seems like when I have brought this topic in the past at first people get confused and think I mean simply observing that someone is good looking. Sadly, what I have learned through talking to men that I respected such as my father and other upstanding members of society, is that men DO get a rush out of walking past a beautiful woman or a woman who is wearing a low-cut blouse for example. I have also read about this in books and studies written by Christian men and women confirming that this is something that men naturally feel. Apparently, this only lasts a split second and then the man forgets about it. However, to me it is unacceptable that a man who already has a girlfriend or wife would expend sensual energy towards someone other than his partner by being attracted to her. I think it's wonderful that you are very devoted to your husband, Jane :) It is touching to hear. Similarly when I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend Lukasz, once we were sitting at the launderette and a guy walked in. I thought to myself, "Wow! He is extremely handsome, he could be a model. Geez, I haven't seen such a good looking man in who knows how long!" However, I did not experience any attraction whatsoever. I simply observed that he was good looking and I did not feel any differently than I would have felt if it had been an extremely beautiful woman. There was no sensual pleasure or rush in seeing the guy, whereas if I had been single, I promise you I would have felt thrilled to be in that guy's vicinity. I truly wish I had never found this information out about men because I would have loved to date and get married. I wish I could have continued in blissful ignorance, thinking that like me, a man in a relationship with me could see extremely beautiful women all day long without feeling a thing other than objectively noticing their beauty. If I could press a button to make myself forget about this information, I would do it. I wonder if Heavenly Father will make me wake up one day and not be bothered any more. I have talked to other women about this and they said, "That's just how men are." They have told me they just laugh about it knowing that their partners like the sight of a woman in a miniskirt. And these were upstanding women too, including a policewoman and the manager of a charity. In fact, before I joined the Church of LDS, I spoke to the reverend at the Church of England about this and she told me my views were very unusual and extreme. She said there is nothing wrong with feeling some sort of way towards another person as long as you don't act on it. Most people seem to think this way but for me the idea of having a boyfriend/husband who feels attraction even for a second is just so perverse, so deviant! How I wish I was OK with this just like most women are.......

I have no idea what you mean by garments, but I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from heat exhaustion and feeling uncomfortable. Hugs!

Just to be clear, I do find other men handsome when I am in a relationship, but I am not attracted to them. For me thinking someone is good looking is different from being attracted to them. My male cousin and father are good looking, but I'm not attracted to them! Also, I'm straight, but I think many women are very beautiful. I have never been attracted to another man before while being in a relationship. In fact, from when I was young, if I saw a TV show with 2 handsome guys, my brain immediately chose one to experience attraction towards. When I'm single and I see an interview of a handsome actor, I get a rush out of it. However, if I see an interview of that same actor when I'm in a relationship, I feel nothing at all. Sure, I can still see that he is handsome, but I don't feel any attraction - I'm not even trying to suppress it - it just doesn't come up at all.

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women. This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life. However, I do want to be in a relationship. Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it. After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage. I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral. I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do. This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it. I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.