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On 9/18/2016 at 4:38 PM, Mormonmom said:
Thank you guys! I really appreciate the advice I'm going to try some new things. And about putting mormonmom that is so funny I didn't even think about it. That is just what first came to my mind but you are right I'm a wife first.
Mormonmom,
On 9/18/2016 at 10:56 AM, MrShorty said:After years in a sexless marriage, I have spent some time trying to understand some of the dynamics around libido and desire and such. Some thoughts:
1) There is a difference between "spontaneous" desire and "responsive" desire (first saw this from Michelle Weiner-Davis in The Sex-Starved Marriage if you are willing to look outside of the Church for thoughts). Some people (stereotypical men) feel spontaneous desire which leads to arousal. Some people are ":backwards" on this -- they experience arousal first, then the desire follows. If this could describe you, then perhaps adjust your thinking to better reflect how YOU experience desire and arousal.
2) It is always an interesting suggestion, because we talk so much in the Church about not thinking about sex, but I see some sex therapists who suggest that low desire spouses find ways to think about and anticipate sex. When the desire is not spontaneous, sometimes a man or woman needs to intentionally set aside energy and time to think about sex.
3) A lot of people resist the idea as "unromantic", but I see a lot of therapists suggest scheduled sex. Put it on the calendar like any other appointment or date night. When life gets busy, sometimes we need to prioritize the sexual relationship by calendaring it so that we know when it will happen. This often has the advantage of allowing you to anticipate it (see (2) ) and it can take pressure off your husband to initiate or take the uncertainty out of it (because he knows that every Tuesday night and Saturday Morning it will happen), and helps to carve out that time.
That's a start. I think it is good that you are trying to prioritize your sexual relationship, and wish you luck in figuring out what will work for you and your husband.
Mormonmom, or any mom for that matter. If this advice was followed I can't tell you how happy your husband would be. This is exactly what my wish list is for my marriage.
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On 4/22/2017 at 6:41 PM, Guest said:
that you feel like he's stopped courting you, and you miss it?
Take the initiative and court him. While you are out having fun, tell him how much you miss it when he courted you. Tell him how it made you feel. I know for me, I don't feel comfortable calling the young women in my ward to babysit. This for me is one of the obstacles for me taking out my wife. Like it or not, your husband has feelings too and needs to be courted.
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On 11/18/2017 at 8:57 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:
You can't make somebody love you. You can create the circumstances that encourage somebody to love you, but you can't make them do it. Even in a case where a marriage is healthy a husband shouldn't take her love for granted and still court her, but I get what you mean, a wife so courted should reciprocate in some way, it needs to be a two way street. Counsel with God on what to do. Hearts can change, or at least God can reward you after this life for doing the right thing in face of such challenges. The things we give up and do without here in order to follow Christ will be given to us tenfold afterwards.
Totally agree with everything you've said. It's not in our culture but yes, men have feelings too and women should court their husbands too. Sorry I'm venting now.
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14 hours ago, Grunt said:
While I can't relate to your situation, I absolutely don't agree with this. I love wooing my wife. I'm pretty undeserving of her.
And I bet she reciprocates...... Easy to love someone who loves you back. It gets real old when the other spouse makes you feel like you are being taken for granted. I'm going to read into this heart wall topic. Does anyone know a good counselor who specializes in this in Salt Lake City?
The way I see this is, I'm only getting older and if it's not going to work then as painful as it is, I'd rather get the inevitable (divorce) done with and find happiness.
Marriage issues are the worst, they effect, work, social life, etc. I literally just got asked to be the EQP in my ward (ironic right, they call the guy who is a hot mess), and I just can't handle everything coming at me right now.
14 hours ago, Grunt said:While I can't relate to your situation, I absolutely don't agree with this. I love wooing my wife. I'm pretty undeserving of her.
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On 10/24/2015 at 11:13 AM, Fatkittycat said:
I feel his behavior is taking away from the spirit in our home. He spends hours looking at transsexual pornography. He no longer sees homosexuality as wrong. He has gone as far as believing parents should be forced to administer hormone therapy to their children if the government thinks it is necessary. He constantly fights with my children. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I to,d him he was handsome the other day and he was upset with me. He says I should be loyal and yet he is contacting total strangers and offering to send pictures of him in his panties and stockings. He contacted a lady on Craigslist who likes transsexual men. Then he says I'm not loyal because I won't support his decisions. He wants me to be attracted to a female body. I am not attracted to women. He makes me feel guilty for being straight and normal. He personally attacks me any time I try to talk to him about my feelings. I feel so hopeless. I am scared to go to my bishop. If my husband finds out, he will be outraged.
You need to get out now. Your post above scares me. I feel for both of you.
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On 9/25/2017 at 2:36 AM, estowife said:
So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone
Honest question #1. What are his concerns? Question #2. What are you doing to fix his concerns in the marriage. A marriage is not living with someone but for someone. Let's start here.
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Wow, this site is awesome as this is the only place I feel comfortable opening up fully. I'm 11 yrs into my marriage and have 3 kids, and have had a lot of marriage problems. Curious, how do folks on hear solve their marriage issues. Do you talk weekly at a set time, nightly, some type of companionship inventory like the mission?
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On 11/13/2017 at 2:14 PM, DoctorLemon said:
Disagree.
I believe any man and any woman may find happiness and eternal joy in temple marriage, if both are living worthily of the Celestial Kingdom and both make the commitment to one another. Brigham Young happens to agree with me.
All of this stuff about marrying the "wrong" person? Lies, lies, and more lies, straight from the father of lies himself.
If you think you married the wrong person, what is the solution? Try harder.
So I get what you are saying in that they can maybe make it work, but being the husband of a similar situation where my wife told me she didn't truely love me 2 month into our marriage, I can say I truely envy marriages that have it easier. I know what your thinking, but I believe COMPATIBILITY is a real thing (I feel like those that disagree probably have reasonably good compatibility with their spouse and just don't understand this).. We each come to our marriages with different principal beliefs/perferrances (outside of lds beliefs) , character traits etc. sometimes people come to a marriage and are in sync and have a lot of common ground. For many others (particularly in a culture when marrying young and quickly is often times encouraged/acceptable by many) you realize post alter that they aren't very compatible. Certainly you can tough it out and make it work but I wonder if sometimes finding a more compatible spouse is a better option. I'm married now 11 yrs and have 3 kids. Even if I wanted out (which I don't; I'm a tough it out kinda guy), I would be committing financial suicide with alimony and child support (not to mention the scars divorce would potentially cause on my precious kids and wife which I still love regardless - so I stick it out). The options aren't great for me I feel. I struggle daily with the reality of my situation everyday which is my wife still is undecided and uncommitted and doesn't truely love me. This issue trickles into our intimate life (non existent), parenting, ability to perform at work, etc. i yearn for equality in marriage where both sides are equally committed to make it work. I know she isn't happy and it saddens me to see that. I feel like both spouses deserve happiness and if it's not with me than I'll be crushed but at the same time know it's for the best. I often ask myself if marriages are really supposed to be this hard? When I'm out on weekends and see happy couples, I wonder what it would be really like in a marriage when both spouses are in love (truely magical). Intimacy would be amazing; don't even truely know what that feels like 11 yrs into a marriage (it's crazy). We have other problems like conflict resolution so I can't really bring up or talk through issues easily which complicates the problem more. To the gal that is in this situation, whatever you do, just DECIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL and move on one way or the other. I hope the right decision for you personally is to stay and you can be happy/committed and enjoy a lovely marriage (I believe God wants this especially with kids involved), but if the decision is to divorce ends up being the right one for you, do so swiftly and put the poor man out of his misery and best of luck in finding a more compatible mate(I know the grass isn't always greener; but maybe sometimes it is right??? ). I truely wish you the best, just hope this gives you perspective from the other side of alter so to speak.
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On 10/25/2017 at 5:42 PM, lfh2d said:
I've been married for 11 years to a great guy. My problem is that every so often I feel like I didn't make the right decision to marry him.
Our dating relationship was stressful with my family and his busy school schedule. We dated for 2 1/2 years and I honestly don't know if I was in the right emotional state of mind to make a decision of marriage. Sometimes I feel like I was too emotionally invested to listen to the spirit.
We have a great life together and I would REALLY like to put these doubts to rest because I know it's ruining our marriage. I was hoping that there might be someone out there in a similar situation who was able to overcome this.
You have a tough situation. I think the worst thing to do is linger in doubt. Don't think for even a second that your husband doesn't know this secrete your holding. He feels it and is probably hurting inside. I do commend you for trying to fix the problem. I do think we each can self master our thoughts. Our thoughts lead to feelings. Love is a choice. Strive to master your thoughts. I don't know if divorce or not is a good solution for you or not, but I wish you my sincere best.
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On 8/29/2017 at 8:56 AM, my two cents said:
One more thing - She probably has a heart wall. No amount of counselling sessions* can help with that. You need to connect with someone who knows the EmotionCode (developed by a practicing Mormon). Google for more info.
*counselling helps with the intellectual side to a person but there are spiritual, physical and emotional sides as well and you need to go to the right person to get the right help
On 8/28/2017 at 10:23 PM, mormondad said:After about 5 years of marriage, my wife told me she never loved me.
Everything I read talks about rekindling the lost love that was there in the beginning, but what if it was never there?? What if she married me for reasons other than love? Her main reasons were that she believed I would be a kind husband & father and a good provider. I admit those aren’t bad reasons, but I would have liked there to be some genuine romantic love on her part. I still feel like there was and I like to think there was, but there are just so many mixed messages I don't know what to think anymore.
A little background. I majorly pursued her in college and thought that I had truly won her over when we started to talk marriage. I thought it was safe to assume that her marrying me was a signal that she was just as crazy about me as I was about her...nope.
5 years later after baby number 3 we were having problems and went to counseling. We didn't realize at the time she was in the middle of postpartum depression. But that’s when it came out. I felt devastated, cheated, and that I was no more than a sperm bank and a paycheck. I realize it might not be fair to put a lot of weight in things said by a woman in the midst of ppd, but the cynical side of me thought she was in a state of such indifference that she just let her true thoughts flow. I figured the ppd was just a vehicle that allowed the truth to come out.
Fast forward five more years. We are active LDS trying to do things right, but I feel like our marriage could be so much more. I fear that our young kids will sense a disconnection in my marriage and that it will have negative implication in theirs. Even when things seem good, I always have the thought deep down that she never really loved me. It’s hard not to attribute any marital problem to that. It also wasn't very reassuring when we had another therapist a year or two later who was pretty quick to suggest divorce.
Am I overthinking this? I realize we're still much better off than many arranged marriages. I think about President Kimball’s famous quote that “almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." (Why did he have to say “almost any”?) In the same talk he says “marriage can be, more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.” That just seems so far out of reach for me.
Do I just settle for the fact that my wife settled for me? Or do I fight for something more? How do I come to terms and stop thinking about it? Do I talk to her? It's come up occasionally but usually in an argument (she never really acknowledges it, but she never denies it either). Do I just endure and hope for the best of the afterlife? That seems like a bleak prospect.
Thanks in advance. This one is my humdinger of the last decade.
Holy crap your experience is almost mine verbatim. I literally feel your pain. I feel so cheated In my marriage. Hard to express my emotions. This issue has drastically affected our intimate married life as well and things are spiraling for the worse slowly. It's tough to solve problems and get through issues when one side is uncommitted from the get go. I've read the advice from some on this thread but where I personally struggle is that a marriage shouldn't be this hard right? At what point do you start over? I hate that I have 3 boys now too, makes for minimal good choices. The advice was to try to make her love you but it just stinks that I'm married and have to worry about this (issues like this should have come out pre-alter). I fundamentally believe in more equality in a married and if one spouse is constantly trying to woo the other one over it really sucks the fun out of a marriage.
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Redi2ride. I found your post about suppressing your sex drive very interesting. I too have had major issues with see in my marriage where my wife has no desire. Where I've struggled in my marriage is that I fundamentally feel that it is wrong for spouse (man/women) to withhold intimacy for periods just because they don't feel like it. I can get my head around the occasional I'm not feeling up to it but repeated withholding i feel is wrong. If that is a major concern, then that spouse owes it to the other to seek medical help. Good for you to suppress your drive and find a way to curb the tendencies but if you are having to do this because your wife simply doesn't want too, isn't that caving into a selfish spouse? I don't want to sound harsh or impatient but I struggle with this principally but also totally happy that it's working for you. Part of me struggles with this principally because I believe in more equality in marriage. Both spouses should learn that a marriage is not living with each other but living for each other. Imagine how beautiful a marriage would be if both lived for each other and we served and took care of each other's needs (this to me should be the end goal, right, not suppression). I just don't feel like cutting off all desire is fair. What I think many women don't understand from a mans perspective is that for many men, this is how they feel loved. A spouse with holding intamacy is effectively withholding love. Vise versa is true for a man not being patient, loving, and understanding, etc. My hope for my marriage is that my wife learns to love to serve me and fulfill my needs that I can't fulfill myself and that my love for serving her grows too. With all this said, God intended intimacy to be apart of marriage, and if a spouse wants to veer from this, they probably shouldn't have signed up for marriage in the first place or at least have expectations that they'll have a super fulfilling marriage because it probably won't be. Anything less leaves room for pornography, adultry, etc...
Sex boosts your belief in God?
in Marriage and Relationship Advice
Posted
I totally believe sex can have a HUGE effect on spirituality. Maybe not in every situation but generally I'd say yes