Petty3

@anatess2 you are correct that I should probably go to the hospital. But I don't think I can do that. I know I don't want to. I am constantly thinking about dying. I am just moving forward one step at a time...one minute at a time. I hate being around people and then I hate being alone. It's a strange feeling and cycle. Most of the time I'd rather be alone though. I don't know why suicide is so sad to others and looked down upon. If someone doesn't want to live why aren't they allowed to die? Why are they put on suicide watch and not left alone?

@Lindy & @LiterateParakeet thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to find hope and strength. I have a very good friend who I spent a couple hours taking with yesterday. She is wise and had insight. I have an appointment with a new counselor but it's not until next Monday cuz she's on vacation this week. I'm not ready to get rid of my plan...I feel like I need something just in case. I'm am trying and trying to have hope. It feels so hard right now though.

I know I should call and see my counselor again but it's been several weeks and I cancelled my last appt so I have nothing scheduled. I'm nervous about going to talk to her again cuz I feel like I'm a disappointment and a failure. I'm wanting to find another counselor...maybe someone who does emdr although I'm not sure if that's right for me. I have a plan on how I could end my life but looking for the timing to be right. I wish things could be different.

I had a quick talk with him again and he said he never said I was a burden. But I know he did say that word because it hit me so hard when he said it. He specifically said I was intense and overwhelming. (which being overwhelming is the same thing in my eyes as being a burden right now) I was at the church again last night to help the YW with something and the RS pres was there. I took her aside and said to her that I wanted to apologize for being overwhelming and that I was sorry if I had been a burden to her. She looked me in the eyes and told me she thinks of me as a daughter and that I have never been a burden and that she only wants to help me. She said I can talk to her anytime. She said that the bishop probably was trying to take things off her plate and thought I was overwhelming to her. It still makes me want to pull away though. I am seeing a counselor once every 3 or 4 weeks. I have felt like this counselor has helped, but I feel like I have stopped progressing with her. I just don't have it in me to start over and find someone else, but I will try. Ever since our talk Tuesday evening I have felt like crying (and I'm not a crier). I woke up early Wed morning and couldn't stop crying. My husband finally gave me a blessing. Then I went to the temple this morning (it took everything I had to get myself there) and did initories and cried through the whole thing. I hate feeling like a burden. I know that isolating and pulling away is not a good idea, but I don't want to be around others feeling like this. I am fighting myself and forcing myself to take care of the things that I need to do. I try to put on a smile, and do what I have to do, but when I get home each afternoon I have nothing left and I head to bed.

I have been struggling for sometime now with things. I've been dealing with the trama from abuse in my past. And I've made some choices that haven't been the best. I know I'm depressed and often have wished I was not alive. Last night I met with my bishop. He's been helpful and understanding most of the time. Last night he told me that I can be intense and that I am overwhelming and a burden to others. I feel so sad. I don't want to be a burden to others. I try to pretend I'm fine when I'm with others and not talk about my problems. I often isolate myself when I'm down just so I am not being a burden. Specifically he said I was overwhelming to the rs president. I think that's weird bcuz although I've been truthful with her and she knows what I'm going through I rarely speak to her. It's been several weeks since I've talked to more than just in passing. Any advice? How can I be less of a burden? At this time I feel like I want to distance myself from all ward members.

I don't think the suicide hotline helps much. I've called it before. Once when I was sitting with bottles of pills in my hand and a plan to die. I ended hanging up on them because they couldn't say anything that had meaning to me. I do have a counselor my bishop referred me to and she's been helpful. Just when I dip and get really down I don't want to talk to her and that's when I start cutting myself.

@Jane_Doe Thank you for your answer and for being so honest about yourself and opening up.

@Jane_Doe How did you stop your self harm?

Would self harm keep a person from a temple recommend?

Is self-harm a sin? (Cutting oneself with a knife or other harm) What about sucuide? Is that a sin? I've heard conflicting answers on that. I know that most people who kill themselves have mental health issues and luckily we don't have to be the judge. Just wondering your opinions. I've never heard one way or the other about a person harming themselves though.

I read this. "Sustaining leaders involves more than just a raised hand—it means that we stand behind them, pray for them, accept assignments and callings from them, hearken to their counsel, and refrain from criticizing them." Do you agree with it? What if you know things that certain leaders have done that are wrong or unethical?

You can try leadinglds.org Not sure if it's what you're looking for though.

I had someone tell me that they feel more humble and closer to the spirit when kneeling. But I figure that it's better to pray in any position then not pray at all...right?

What are your thoughts about kneeling while praying versus sitting while praying? Is there much of a difference to you or do you think it matters?

I have one in Provo that I love. I went to about 5 others before finding her. Her name is Mariel Balzotti. Her # is 801-631-4109. I don't know if she Skypes out not but give it a try.

How do you have the faith to know that your prayers are heard? If you haven't prayed in a long time how do you start praying? How can you believe you'll be answered?

Anyone can respond and give me their thoughts but I'd especially like to know what @LiterateParakeet and @lostinwater have to say. I think the reason for my original question about revelation and inspiration is less to do about Joseph Bishop and more about what happened personally in my life. For about 20 years my dad was having affairs. He also abused me. However in all those years he always served in a leadership position...bishopric counselor, high counselor and even bishop. After it was discovered about the affairs and he was caught he then admitted to them and was excommunicated. So my question is how was he able to be in those positions. He was interviewed by a SP to receive those callings. Why wasn't someone inspired in all those years to know he wasn't worthy. How many temple recommended interviews did he go to? He was able to lie through all those interviews and all those years and no one suspected a thing? I understand agency and that it was his own choices that were made but really...doesn't there come a time when enough is enough?

Even though they were both adults, if it did happen he was someone in authority. He had power over her and was much older than her. [Mod edit: Let’s avoid putting specific names to the accuser until we have solid confirmation. Thanks—JAG]

Good. I'm glad for these changes. As long as there is agency people will continue to make choices that can hurt others. Protections need to be in place.

Satan does put those thoughts in the minds of victims that they are unworthy and filthy and dirty. And once the thoughts are there, they are hard to remove. And I think that @zil has it right and those abused do feel it's their fault (or at least partially their fault.)

I agree with that. I do think that church leaders should be held to a higher standard. I know they are human and make mistakes but they counsel others and know better. I feel so often callings are given out of necessity but not really inspiration. I've always had a testimony but over the past 6 months or so I've been shaken. I've seen the mistakes of too many leaders. (I know, I know...the church is true not the people.) I'm honestly seeking answers right now but am not sure if revelation is really occurring.

The MTC scandal has brought up questions. Why does Heavenly Father allow people who abuse others to serve in callings of authority? Why wasn't revelation given to those who called him? (Or others like him.) I know there is agency but I still think that inspiration could occur. He could have been removed from his calling after using his agency incorrectly. Is revelation and inspiration a real thing given to leaders or isn't it?

Thank you. I appreciate the analogy. You're right about how I'm seeing things and how the light is sometimes hard to see. I'm wondering if it would be a bad thing to take a couple week break from d attending church. I hate this struggle I'm going through and it's hard when you feel like heavenly father Is so far away or doesn't care.

thank you @Jane_Doe. I had no idea that there were such strong feelings about psychology and medication. I just know that for now I believe the medication is helping and I need to be on it but hopefully not forever. My questioning and what I'm more concerned about is how to keep keeping on and trusting when I feel so void of the spirit.

I hope to get off medication sooner than later. I have no idea if I have a chemical imbalance or not but I do know that a year ago when I first was put on medication that it took a while to find the right balance. I was hospitalized for a short time after starting the medication for suicide and realized the medication was doing the opposite of what it should. But after some trial and error I feel like what I'm taking is working. The psychiatrist said that to get off the medicine she will decrease the amounts slowly and that it takes up to a year to get completely off.