Hello, I am new here. I've read a few threads here and feel like people here are mostly kind and non judgemental, which is what I need.
My husband and I have been married 19 years. In the beginning it was a fairy tale romance like I'm sure so many are at first. But our marraige over the course of 15 years or so, slowly began to deteriorate. A big theme was I felt a lack of affection from him, and he thought I nagged too much.
But I wasn't aware of any major problems, until one day I found out he was involved in an emotional affair with a family friend, from church no less. I pretty much lost it. I was also 5 months pregnant which didn't help the raw emotions. My husband wasn't very apologetic for a while, insisting he never touched her, so technically he didn't do anything wrong. I mean, he would sometimes aplogize, but my anger probably hindered a super sincere apology. And there was some occasional communication between them for a while after which was like ripping a scab off over and over. It drove a huge wedge between us. He would tell me he didn't mean to fall in love with her, it just happened, but it was over and I needed to get over it. Which made me furious beyond words. I was angry for several months but eventually accepted it, that it was behind us. FF a year and he was still telling me he wasn't sure of his feelings for me anymore since he realized with her what it was like to feel 'in love' again. I really wanted to punch him but mostly I got angry or cried. I had a new baby and hormones, etc... it sucked. But I put my energy into my little newborn.
Well, as this drug on, I became more miserable. I lost all my baby weight and then some because I couldn't eat. I got very thin, to the point people went from compliments to concern. He told me because of how I treated him after his EA, he didn't know if he could love me again. I admit I was angry. I lashed out more than once. I wish I could've handled it better.
Then I met with my life insurance agent one day. And for some reason I started telling him what was going on. I figured, not someone in my circle, but maybe I could finally have a listening ear. Turns out things weren't so great with his wife either which he readily admitted. Next thing I know we are texting and he was moving fast, telling me how beautiful I was, yadayadayada. I know. I should've known. I should've stopped. But the attention felt like a cold drink of water and I felt powerless to stop. Long story short, I didn't stop till it was too late. We didn't have intercourse, but we didn't stop very short of it either. It went on for a few months before I pulled my head out of my, you know. Then life sucked worse than before.
I went to my bishop, told my husband, and my world got a whole lot darker. I felt good ending things and coming clean. But obviously I was looking for love in the wrong places and it was awful telling my husband what I did. I felt like the scum of the earth. Still struggling with those feelings of worthlessness and forgiving myself. I learned the hard way how painful breaking the commandments is and would rather die than do something so stupid again. And, its scary how easily it happened because I am so 'not that kinda girl', only I was for a few months.
Now, 2 years later, he's decided he wants to leave. He thought he could make it work for a while there, but had decided he needs to move on and, I guess like he says, he is fully justified since I committed adultery and he did not.
I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I'm also pretty sure I never would have got into that mess if he hadn't gotten involved with someone else and told me he didn't love me anymore, etc etc. My concern is that maybe he's right and it is all my fault...i just don't know how anyone can love me again after what I did and that scares me immensely. So, I was hoping for some thoughts and perspective here. How do you forgive yourself when you see the worst in yourself? I've never made any big mistakes in my life, then I go and do that. There aren't words for how awful I feel about it. But at the same time, I also have to figure out how to pick up and move on. And somehow I have to live wth what I did and still love myself. I just don't know how. Any one else here had to forgive themselves of something so major and how did you do it?