Flowerthatdoesntwilt

I am a convert(meaning I joined the church later in my life instead of born into church) of 10 years. My family joined the church together. I love the gospel and the church. As a YSA (Young Single Adult), I hear a lot about importance of family and mother’s role in the family and having children. I fully understand why it’s important to have a family and have children. But it’s becoming clearer everyday that I don’t want to have kids. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone to get married in the temple when I don’t want to have kids. I have dated someone seriously and this was one of the things we couldn’t agree on and we ended the relationship after dating for couple of years. Coming from a single-parent home, I am fully aware of the hard work that is required to be a good parent. As much as it’s taught in the church to have children when you are married, I sometimes feel that importance of being a good parent is not emphasized as much. Although I fully respect and love my mother for doing what she does to raise me and my siblings, I sometimes wonder how much happier she could have been if she didn’t have kids. She would have been able to leave her abusive husband much sooner. She would have been able to pursue her dreams and goals to be the person she wanted to be instead of being a stay at home mother like it is often asked of in woman. I thought that maybe I don’t want kids because of what happened between my parents and because I understand the struggle when the marriage falls apart. I’ve done therapy, prayed and fasted to know what it is I should do. I studied my patriarchal blessing and hated myself for being so different. But I just can’t seem to be the person woman are taught to be in the church. Should I give up hope to find someone to get married in the temple? I don’t know if I should date anyone or even put myself out there. Part of me feels it would be selfish of me to look for an eternal companion when I can’t be the ideal person they look for. I sometimes feel like a damaged good for not being able to want the life that every girl dream of. Is it wrong for me to want the eternal companionship without wanting to have kids? Some of you may say that it’s just a phase because I have been told that when I talked to people in church about this. But it’s not that I don’t love kids. I work with kids and I really think they are so precious and such a sacred blessing to have in this world. It makes the cruel world a little better place. But I really don’t want my kids to go through the pain of having a parent who didn’t want to have kids. Children deserve better and I can’t be what they need. I don’t want kids when I will love them and take care of them because that’s what I am obligated to do instead of doing it because I want to. I think about this everyday and I would appreciate your input.