Hey, all. This will be really hard for me to write, but I really need help. I became a member of this board a long time ago while I was converting back in 2007 or 2008. I converted while studying abroad. I never told my parents, as they're extremely controlling and somewhat emotionally abusive. I did try to lead towards telling them, but they are very prejudiced against the Church. It helped that I went to a boarding school, so I was free to do what I thought best for my spiritual health. The next year, a boy at my boarding school starting following me around and basically stalking me. Hoping it would get him off my back, I told him I couldn't date any nonmembers because it was against my religion. He converted. Because of this, he was following me to new member lessons, Church (we had the same ride), Wednesday activities, etc. He guilted me into dating him by saying if I didn't, I would have misled him and he would leave and become an apostate and it would all be my fault. I was 18 and stupid and agreed, because it was late winter and I was a senior and figured I could suffer through it for a few months. I was so isolated because I was too scared to tell anyone what was happening. It was awful, the most unhealthy relationship possible, and I cried almost every day. I was a mess. Then, one morning before going to church, he raped me. A few weeks later, during a school vacation, when I came out of deep shock and realized what had happened, I broke things off. I stopped going to church because I couldn't handle being there with him. The therapist I ended up seeing for a few years listened to my story and told me that this boy had cruelly manipulated me. I still have problems accepting that. Everyone in the ward assumed I was just weak and hadn't really had a testimony. People even said I had only converted because I liked a LDS boy around that time, even though that was afterwards. This made me feel even worse. I went abroad the summer after graduation and started going back to church. I went on a temple trip for the first time and loved it. At college, I was a lot more open about my faith. I went to a Catholic university but everyone was so accepting. There were a few members at the school, and everyone was very nice. However, I was suffering from PTSD and severe depression (I later found out), and all the trauma caused me to have a major crisis of faith which, I'm ashamed to say, I did not overcome. It didn't help that at the ward, a severely mentally challenged boy was constantly harassing me and no one tried to help. I ended up becoming an atheist for a few years, after returning to my former faith of Catholicism for a while. During this phase I met my fiance, whom I will be marrying in two months. He's perfect for me and I know we are meant to be together, so please don't comment telling me to leave him. Recently we started going to an Eastern Orthodox church together, which I've liked. He is an agnostic, but has said he will go to church wherever I like but won't convert. We've both relocated (separately) to where his new job is, and there's a 3-ward building right down the road from me. I've seen the missionaries bike/walk by at least four times. I'm feeling so many conflicting emotions of fear and longing and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the church is true, especially after everything I've read, but I do know I wish it were true. I do know that my fiance would be very unhappy if I started going to the LDS church, because he thinks it's fake. And all of our parents would be very angry. Is there any way to meet with people and keep it quiet until I decide what to do? I never finished my new member lessons. And I want the text of my patriarchal blessing, no matter what I decide. I just feel like I'm in an impossible situation, and I can't discern where God wants me to go. Maybe I'm just lonely in a new place and miss the community. Also, just any general advice would be amazing.
