LostSheep

I find it really hard to overcome at night, because I think I use it to sleep...If the makes sense. Something about the endorphins in my blood knock me out. I have a confession. I said I wasn't looking at porn last night, and, well...that was only a half truth. What is porn exactly? What I was looking at wasn't intended to be looked at in the way I was looking...I won't go into detail, but if you were to see it, you would be confused as to why I could even consider it to be porn...But I guess it all comes down to one point. I probably should have walked away. You know how earlier I was wrongfully blaming God? Saying he didn't care? Something happened last night that has happened only a few time during this addiction. Maybe there's a physical reason this sometimes happens, or maybe God is trying to give me a sign. When I started to make the wrong choice, every muscle in my body would physically contract, causing my to literally "shake at the appearance of sin". It doesn't usually happen. And I don't know WHY it happens. Right before messing up last night, I tried to bring to mind reasons why it would be better to walk away, than to give in. I was unable to bring ANY reason to mind. How could that be? There are so many? Every consequence was literally minimized to almost nothing. All I could think about was the pleasure. I know a lot of the things I just wrote sound like excuses. Maybe they are. I'm really really trying my hardest to not lose hope over the small mistakes. I guess I have more of a "cold turkey" or nothing mindset about it... Thank you for the advise people.

Ok, for the record, this post isn't for pity, self hate, or to make me feel better in any way. I just messed up...Not porn...the other thing that goes with it...I'm not saying it...its a scary word...figure it out...uh...anyway, my point is, I thought I was gonna make it...At least until the end of the week. The fact that I only made it 3 days scares me. Heck, a few hours ago, I was listening to conference talks. Something is wrong with me, and I want to get better. Will a therapist help with the other problem? Not the porn, but, you know...Or would only an LDS one help? I'm trying my best right now to be positive. Three days is...better than average for me...that's good, I guess. Anyway, just wanted to ask that. Thank you...

Yeah, I know, I hate long posts too. j/k, I know what you mean.

I'll talk to my bishop...About the therapy. This Sunday. *Sigh* Peer pressure...

Fine, I'll open up. Confession: Almost every time I mess up, I repeat the same pattern...I close all the browsing windows, I delete history and temporary files, I open FireFox back up, and stare at the blank Google homepage. Then my thoughts creep up on me. And I'm scared of them. I don';t want to be alone with them, so I either look for friends on MSN to talk to, people in the LDS.net chat room, or at some of my weaker moments, random christian websites. Let me just say, I am not someone I would choose to be friends with. Lets be honest. I'm a selfish person. I demand far more then I give from my friends, and I'm constantly complaining about my "terrible" life, instead of listening to others advice and trials. I try to make myself feel better about what I did by telling others I'm sorry. I hate my self too much to comfort myself, so I rely on others to do it. And honestly, I usually AM sorry. But I can't bring myself to talk to God about it at the time. Therepy: The reason I wanted to close this thread is because I saw a dead end. Therepy (I'm sorry, I spell the word wrong every time) is the only answer I get. What more is there to discuss? As helpful as the advise may be, the addict part of me gets angry at the advise, as it's not a "quick-fix" solution. I know I'm NEVER going to find a quick fix solution. The other reason I'm scared of the therepy solution (And as lame as this excuse sounds, I swear it's how I feel) is it not only make ME feel powerless, but it makes me feel like God is powerless as well. As if I'm in a situation that requires me, God, AND an therepist to get out. No other way. Other than that, I really don't know why I hate the idea. I guess because that option includes getting my parents involved. Negative Attitude: After an honest evaluation of my attitude, here's what I came up with. I don't hate myself. I really don't. When I act like I do, don't be fooled. That is the addict part of me talking. Here's why I think I do it. I could be wrong, and if you think I am, go ahead and correct me. I guess If I judge myself, and beat up myself, and hate myself, then by tthe time I'm done with myself, there's not much more room for judgement. Only sympathy. I guess I figure I'd rather beat myself up, then have someone else do it for me. Positive Attitude: Why don't I celebrate the good, and only concentrate on the bad? Well, I guess the reason for it, is I don't see much celebrate in most of the time. For example. As of now, It's been 24 hours since I messed up. 24 hours doesn't sound like an achievement. It sounds like a joke. Why would I celebrate going that short a time? I mean, is three days even cause to celebrate? My head is flowing with thoughts right now. I fear I didn't say everything I wanted to say, and that the things I did say, I phrased wrong. There. I've exposed a wound to the flies, so to speak. I'm as vulnerable as ever. I pretty much just told you that the only reason I'm here, is for pity. I don't know whether that's true or not. I don't really know anything about myself right now. I am being as truthful as possible right now. I'm not looking for sympathy or love. I guess I'm just looking for myself.

Fine, then there's no reason to leave this thread open. Thanks for the advise.

I'm not trying to be thick headed...but a therepist isn't a realistic solution...That's for rich people. I don't want to have to go all the way to Portland just to find a good therepist who tries to convince me that the entire problem isn't even a problem. That I'm just being too hard on myself. Sure, an LDS therepist would be great, but there isn't any around here. This is a small town. And I don't think I could tell the therepist everything. There's things I've told no one, and I don't want to.

That figures. The "Get help" advice again. Easy to say when you live in a big city, or Utah.

What good is it to ask God for help when I don't know whether the answer is His or mine own? How can I tell the difference? PS: I would just ask God this question, but, uh...well...see above...

If by program you mean that web filter I had...No...didn't work...but I did manage to waste some money in the process. I don't go. Sorta ruined it for me after my dad became the teacher. I don't have anyone. Time LONG times I know what your going to say. I answered every question wrong.

To those that have responded...Thank you.

Whoa!! NO! I am NOT struggling with that. Never looked at in in my life, or had the desire to...That is NOT what I was referring to.... Sorry if that's what it sounded like...

Before I ever even had the addiction, there were things that already had a natural pull on me. I can't (and won't) talk about these specific things in an open forum. I'm not a normal guy. I can't explain. All I know, is these strange desires were there from the beginning. I wish it made me sick. I really do. But it doesn't. Yeah, I know, I sound like the victim. Boohoo. The world is out to get me. "Everyone hates me" etc...I always said "If I could just overcome this problem, I will be happy." I'm now at the point where I'm saying "If I only even had the WILL to overcome it, I will be happy." Many of you probably think this whole forum is for pity, sympathy, attention, or to blame everything. Well, your probably right. I don't know why I'm posting crap like this. I guess it makes me feel better. Posting everything that comes to mind. Thank you for the responces. Some day, I swear I'm going to be happy.

Why does God want me to suffer so bad? Why did he curse me with this addiction? I'll NEVER be able to escape it. I'm only fooling myself. Does God even care anymore? Does ANYONE even care anymore? This is stupid. I'm reduced to asking questions I know the answers to in a forum at 3 am. I'm pathetic. I already know what I need to do. The truth is, I don't want to put forth the effort. I act like I do. I say I do. I even believe myself sometimes when I say I'm sorry. But in the end, I'm not sorry. I don't want to put forth the effort. In other words, I don't want to quit, but I want to want to quit. Before anyone asks, yes, this entire thread IS pointless and full of rehtorical questions. This is the where people post brilliant solutions to my problem that I've never considered, like "Get an internet filter.", "never use a computer again." or "Just stop doing it." Don't waste your breath. I've heard everything. Either the solution doesn't work, or I'm too thick headed to try it. If I've offended anyone by now, I'm sorry. I would have expect that you would have stopped reading after the first few sentences. To the mods, if this post is "inappropriate" or "off topic" or whatever, I don't care. Take it down. Lock it. Burn it. Whatever you do to bad threads. I'm only venting anyway. I'm sure in a week, I'll be saying again to myself like a moron, "That was the last time. I'm sorry." Sometimes I wonder...would I be happier just giving in completely? P.S. Here's some emoticons...

It's LostSheep's Awesome Person of the Week #26 This weeks winner is... beefche According to her profile page, she's only 1 year old. But she acts at least twice her age. I love beefche's sense of humor in her posts. I think that she adds a lot to the forum community of LDS.net. At the very least, her avatar cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. Congrats Beef List of Previous Winners 1. not_ashamed 2. Misshalfway 3. Dazed and Confused 4. Pam 5. goodfeeling_ 6. lost87 7. WmLee 8. Vanilla 9. Jenniguin 10. Missingsomething 11. Soulsearcher 12. Maxel 13. (Mahone says 13 is unlucky) 14. musicman 15. okforall 16. Gargantuan 17. Lbybug 18. SeekYourWish 19. Bry_guy 20. Heather 21. FairChild 22. Prisonchaplain 23. Kawazu 24. cullenh 25. skalenfehl

Yeah...uh...my motherboard is faulty as well... I'm really five times smarter than I come off to be.

Hey, I thought he was a she! Not MY fault he's where's a dress and LOOKS like a woman.

That's because you wouldn't stop "screwing around" Wingnut.

Photoshop!? This is a real photograph!

This photo takes me back... I learned so much about you all during this little get together. At first, Horak's face really creeped me out, but then I saw Snow's face. Vort wore a dress, but then, we thought he actually MIGHT be a woman. As much as his faced freaked out Beefche, she still sat next to him/her during the photo. Also, it turns out the Kawazu really has that watermark across his face. It's a serious skin condition. As you all can see, my pants were hiked up to my chest, and my tie tucked into them. I totally didn't realize that until after the photo had been developed. Am I the only one who remembers this?

While studying genesis tonight, I ran into a big hole, and it's really kind of got me worried. The story of Noah's Ark makes sense to me. However, the time does not. I have a very hard time believing that Adam and Eve were created around 4,000 BC... Using the chronology found in Genesis 5 and supposing that the Fall of Adam was 4000 BC, we can calculate the year of the Flood as 2344 BC. (Source: Gospel Doctrine) There's one HUGE problem with this... The Egyptian civilization coalesced around 3150 BC, and it developed over the next three millennia. (Wikipedia) If the flood wiped out everyone on earth, except for 8 people, why did the flood seem to have NO impact on the development on civilization? :confused: PS, I'm not a skeptic trying to prove atheism. I'm just trying to understand this.

Lol. If wikipedia is how god wants us to define murder, then perhaps I'll go edit it to fit my needs. My point is, where in the scriptures is there a distinction between murder, manslaughter and self defense, or the defense of a country?

The scriptures don't seem to be clear on murder...I was hoping that someone could clear it up for me. The following questions aren't structured very well. Just question after question. If you murder, can you really not be forgiven? Under any circumstances? Where, if anywhere, in the bible does justify killing soldiers in battle? Where, if anywhere, in the bible does justify killing in self defense? Where, if anywhere, in the bible does justify killing to deal with criminals? And what about all those people in the scriptures like Paul and Alma, that killed people, and then ended up being the best missionaries ever? Are they going to hell? I'm really confused. What is murder? Is it ever justified? Are there exceptions?

LOL Nice...Ok, I'm getting tired...I think I'm gonna go count myself to help me get to sleep.

There. Take it or leave it.