My Wife is Wonderful

[Hemidakota]

What a wonderful thread...reminds me of the Kimballs and the Hinkleys, who love their spouses beyond the human understanding.

Being married for almost 28-years, two days ago, while she was washing her face in the master bathroom, sitting in the other part of the large room, I just starred from a distance, saying to myself, how fortunate I am to be sealed to her. Her patience for me, her love in seeking to do the right, her attention to our eight children from home-schooling to 2-hour cell phone con with those away. I am grateful to Heavenly Mother in allowing us to be sealed together for eternally.

[Elphaba]

To counter the string of threads that have arisen and seem to publicly execute people's spouses on a world wide forum, I would like to change the tact that this forum is headed down.

I attempted that on a previous post, but apparently honesty is not always the best policy, so I'll try something different. Maybe something that is just as truthful, but maybe doesn't "offend" as apparently my previous post did.

The truth hurts, but sometimes it is sweet. So here we go.

I have been married for 21 years. To the same woman. We have had challenges, we have had disagreements, we have made mistakes. I can probably count on both hands the number of times we've raised our voices at each other.

We have had illnesses, some life threatening, but through prayer, blessings and what I would call the miracle of modern medicine we are both still here. We have raised 5 girls (are raising is probably the better term). We love them, we get frustrated by them, but they are ours and we take reponsibility for them. Our oldest seems bent on pushing every button she can. Right now the other 4 are as delightful as any four kids could be. Lucky.

When we go to church we sit with each other. The kids scattered on both sides of us.

We don't always pray together, read scriptures together, or attend those camps for couples. But, we are glued together because of the Gospel.

As we enter middle age we are both professionals, we take the time to "look good" for each other, and hope to age gracefully. We'd like to go on a mission when the time comes.

We even tolerate each other's parents.

I suspect that unlike many of the posts that get pinned up here, our marriage is probably the norm. People doing the best they can to do what they are supposed to do. Most of us don't do it perfectly, but we understand that the sanctity of marriage shouldn't be minimized or publicized on a world wide forum.

That was lovely.

Elphaba

[BenRaines]

Over 43. I too consider myself fortunate. :)

Ben Raines

[Palerider]

if you see me in the Celestial Kingdom....blame my wife....:D

[BenRaines]

Amen to that Pale.

Ben Raines

[slabbing]

assuming the whining is anonymous

Trust me, it often isn't. People know people on here, in 'real life'. From personal experience, hearts can get crushed by the things said in these forums.

Here's some things to think about:

"...When two people marry, the spouse should become the confidant, the friend, the sharer of responsibility, and they two become independent. No one should come between the husband and wife, not even parents." President Spencer W. Kimball

"So long as the marriage covenant has not been legally severed, neither spouse morally may seek new romance or open the heart to other people." President Spencer W. Kimball

A common idea, both on and off these forums, is that bottling up strong emotions is not healthy. I couldn't agree more. But letting it rip at the expense of one's spouse is probably even less healthy. Whether anonymous or not, let us remember the scriptural teaching that we will someday be accountable for our "idle words." In addition, I have found that we shape how we view our spouse (which in turn shapes how we treat him/her) both by our direct interactions with him/her AND our indirect actions, thoughts, etc. about him/her. This may sound juvenile to some, but perhaps a good guideline to follow is the old "Would I say this if my spouse heard or could read this?" If not, are we not gossiping, and doing so to the one with whom we should be united? Believe me, I know just as much as any of you how much life can stink due to the choices of our spouses. Although it may sound like I'm oversimplifying things, if one wants to rescue his/her marriage, don't compound the problem! Whether or not your spouse knows of his/her execution, you are indeed compounding things, if for no other reason than you've just hardened our heart further. If you don't want it rescued, well then I doubt you'd be posting here in the first place.

What I'm trying to get at is the solution to the debate of "public execution" (which I think describes perfectly a lot of what is said here) vs. "bottling something up". Give it to the Savior. He's already paid for it and intends to take our burdens from us. We just need to figure our how to release our death grip on them and allow him to do so. It is an actual act of us exercising our agency. That's really the only thing that contributes to pain persisting, and it has nothing to do with how others have used their agency to wrong us (I have to remind myself of that all the time because sometimes I forget!). I know that sounds easier said than done - believe me, I'm preaching to myself right now, too - but that is THE lasting solution to permanently soothing our pain, is it not? Everything else seems to be a temporary fix and actually serves merely as a bandaid that Satan comes along and rips off of our wounds every now and then. He's one fast bugger and is gone before we can turn around and recognize it's him and all we're left with is the pain of the open wound. It was him, though, make no mistake about it. Toss the bandaid and heal the wound properly so that when he comes around, he can't hurt us.

Sorry for the long rant but I give big ups to the OP for the positivity post. For a while, I've been staying away because of all of the negativity. It often chases the Spirit away, ironically, from so many who desperately need it the most.

[Over43]

What a wonderful thread...reminds me of the Kimballs and the Hinkleys, who love their spouses beyond the human understanding.

Being married for almost 28-years, two days ago, while she was washing her face in the master bathroom, sitting in the other part of the large room, I just starred from a distance, saying to myself, how fortunate I am to be sealed to her. Her patience for me, her love in seeking to do the right, her attention to our eight children from home-schooling to 2-hour cell phone con with those away. I am grateful to Heavenly Mother in allowing us to be sealed together for eternally.

I get those moments. Will look at my wife for a bit and then think "How did I do that?" It is a good feeling.

O43

[crazypotato]

Hey, It's Crazy Potato Everyone!

It seems I started a debate on this forum.

Personally, I don't see how my being completely anonymous is bashing my husband? I could be your next door neighbor and you wouldn't know.

Second, the advise to only counsel with bishops - I used to have that faith. But my husband and I have lived in several different wards/ had bishops and they have all said something different. Bishops are supposed to be inspired. My current bishop told me I needed to find someone to talk to and that he didn't know how to help or what to say. I tried 3 different counselors that told me to leave my husband, leave my husband after getting a career, and to try and help my husband to learn empathy towards me. So where do I go? A forum of complete strangers on purpose, for an LDS perspective.

Third, I was venting. I do not speak this way in public about my spouse. I do not want to be angry and raging towards him or my kids. I was hoping for advice on dealing with my emotions from an LDS perspective more than anything.

And last, I appreciate hearing about some of your happy marriages. I sometimes feel hopeless, like everyone that I know is divorcing or hates each other. There are so many broken homes and so many dysfunctional families, that unless the "normal" people speak up, it starts feeling like a happy marriage is unrealistic. So I liked reading about the people with good marriages.

Okay, and one more point, that is mine an lots of people's dilemma. It is that of emotional abuse. If you have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is hard to recognize it in others, and hard to understand. Even bishops and counselors do not understand. Most people think of it simply as name calling and yelling. It is actually one person trying to control another through the use of manipulation, mind games, power struggles, intimidation, etc. Every time I feel like I am not being treated right, my husband turns it into that I am not being Christlike. It can become very confusing, because I want to be Christlike and forgiving, but I don't like being lied to, having my things thrown away, being abandoned at church or the grocery store and made to walk home, carrying all the yardwork and housework, on my own shoulders, and cooking and shopping, not being "allowed" to go to the bishop because then my spouse will blame me if he is inactive. Like right now it is "my fault" that he doesn't have a temple recommend because "I complained to the bishop about him."

Also, what is physical abuse? According to women's shelters, it is not just hitting your wife, but breaking her things, violating her personal space in an intimidating way, hurting the pets, making threatening gestures of violence. . .my husband bent the fridge door and the oven door in a fit a rage and threw all the food out on the floor and I cleaned it up for him because I was trying to be a good wife. These are all things that seem abusive to me, and to my husband just seem like fights. He says that whenever he is mean to me, that it is my fault because he is just reacting to the way I am treating him. Then, to go to the bishop, the bishops say to be nicer to him so that he will be nicer to me. It goes against my common sense and reasoning. It is very confusing and not talked about in church.

There, I vented again. Some of you think I am a big jerk or a wimp or whatever, but ha ha ha! You don't know me! na na na na na na!

Potato