Help stopping pornography

[taisama]

Well, I met with my bishop today after church and he wanted to call me to be the second counselor of the priest quorum. We had met in July about me getting ordained when I told him about my pornography addiction. I told him that I was still having a big problem with it, so he said that I can't take or bless the sacrament for a month and then we'll see what happens from there. I have two questions. 1 - please give me some good ways to explain why i'm not taking/blessing the sacrament to my family/friends/others (my parents don't know and I don't want them to know) and 2 - what are some ways to stop my addiction (I haven't really thought of any besides sing a hymn, take a walk) that don't cost anything (I am broke, lol). Thanks!

[Misshalfway]

Hey Tai. How are you? It takes courage to tell the truth about something like pornography. You are calling your problem an addiction, so I am guessing that you are struggling to stop on your own. That is, I think an important thing to know about yourself. Knowing your patterns and weak spots and triggers. If you are indeed in a place where you can't stop and where stuff like taking the walk and hymns are not working, then you may need to consider fighting the problem with a bigger gun, if you get my meaning.

The first question about your friends ..... they don't need to know. And why should you have to offer any explanation whatsoever. If they ask, perhaps you could say, I'd rather not talk about it in supreme kindness and then leave it at that.

With regards to your parents, my first reaction is to encourage you to tell them. I know it can be scary. I don't know what relationship you have with them, but assuming that they are good people and that they love you and want the best for you, I think it is in your best interest to tell them, at least in part what you are dealing with so they can provide needed support.

I don't know how severe your activities are. It might be good to sit down, even for a one time evaluation with a therapist, just to get an accurate and honest look at how serious your problem is and then go from there in terms of determining a recovery plan. There are good books that I can recommend if you are interested as well. Deseret Book has a few good ones by two authors Jeppson and Harrison.

Most people who really do recover from this activity are the ones who get help and support from outside help. It is rare that someone stops a real addiction like this alone. Bishops are good for the repentance aspects and for confession aspects of recovery. So, keep meeting with him regularly. But they can't help with the deeper emotional and behavioral issues. Most addicts need a trusted therapist and need to participate in some kind of group therapy such as a 12 step group where they attend once a week and then do some workbook type activities at home and with the therapist.

Beyond that, you can read on your own and do workbooks on your own. You can really look at where you are getting your fixes and take radical steps to eliminate the availability. You can decide on a plan for when you are tempted, like a person you call or some other coping back up plan. And you can look at what is happening in your life prior to the using. Are you bored or upset or afraid? You just need a hard core analysis of the 'what's' and the "whys" surrounding your activities. Again, much easier if you have a parent and a therapist in your corner.

[Elgama]

ok I find when my addiction is bad knitting or sewing help - its lovely seeing something productive come out of my addiction it doesn't need to be an expensive hobby you can start with scraps of material a needle and thread. Always having a good uplifting book around and pictures of the saviour on my computer and prominent picture of the temple - another one is the New Era poster Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful

Congratulations and welldone for being so brave.

-Charley

[checkerboy]

As a recovering addict myself I can guarantee that you cannot do this alone. You need to have at least one person that knows everything about your addiction. That in fact is part of one of the 12 steps to recovery. I would strongly encourage you to talk to your bishop and find an LDS Family Service 12 step program that you can go to. Then get to know the facilitator and ask him if you can call him when you need to. This addiction more then any others I believe thrives in the dark.

As to what to say to people - you tell them simply I am working on some issues. If they respect you they won't ask any further. If they do simply say that is between me and the Lord. Our fear of what others will think of us is probably the biggest set back to our repentance process. I hope for the best from you. If you want to know any more you can message me and I would be happy to help.

[Guest JHM-in-Bountiful]

I had an addiction wih pornography for 20 years. Among other things it played a major factor in me having my name removed from the church records. The addictio gradually got worse over time. Also, I increasingly felt like I'll never be worthy and be destined to Outer Darkness. Last year I took a 180 degree turn and returned to the church. I was told that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be forgiven. Along with the Atonement there is alot of work you need to do on your part. It's good that your Bishop knows of your struggles. The church offers a 12 step addiction recovery program. That program helped me alot. I encourage you to attend the group in your area. Try changing your habits that lead you to look at porn. I had to delete everything from my computer, leave porn groups and other related sites. I disposed of all magazines, ect. I am in counseling for various reasons. Porn addiction was often discussed. Through professional counseling I learned other ways to change my way of thinking. THE MORE PEOPLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM THE BETTER THE CHANCES YOU HAVE IN OVERCOMNIG THE ADDICTION. In your case, it may be best to tell your parents. It's possible they may be angry at first. Some new rules or restrictions may be in place. REMEMBER YOUR PARENTS ARE LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST. One other thing you should do is re-examine the importance of the priesthood. I had or chose to loose everything I gained in the church. I started over from scratch. I'm now rebaptized, and have my priesthood restored to an Elder. My calling is passing the sacrament. You are still young and you have many resources you can use to overcome your addiction. I waited until I was 37 years old. Most importantly pary about your issues to Heavenly Father. Especially when you feel the temptation of looking at porn. Most people are never "cured" of their addictions. We will feel the temptations through out our lives. WE DO HAVE CONTROL ON HOW WE RESPOND TO THE TEMPTATIONS. Eventually you will be strong enough to refrain from the addiction. Continue to work with your Bishop, pray, read scriptures and increase your suport systems. I'll keep you in my prayers. Things will work out.

Sincerely, John

[rameumptom]

Unless they react violently, You need to let your parents know. They should be your primary counsel and guide in this. They will help you work your lifestyle to avoid this bad addiction. They can limit your access to the Internet, ensuring it only happens in a safe and busy room in the home. They can help you by setting up safe-guards on the Internet (I use and recommend K9 Web Protection) and computer.

They can also be someone, who you can talk with when tempted, and go for walks, etc. They can help with your scheduling and planning of your life.

My daughter went through some difficult times as a teen, and we were not made aware of it until a couple years later. We were not allowed, as her primary guardians and in our God-mandated responsibility, to help her through this situation. I was very stern with the bishop and Church leaders that did not keep us in the loop, and was assured it would never be done that way again.

As for others who ask, just tell them you are working through some stuff. And leave it at that. But get your parents involved, so they can help save you.

[Hemidakota]

Well, I met with my bishop today after church and he wanted to call me to be the second counselor of the priest quorum. We had met in July about me getting ordained when I told him about my pornography addiction. I told him that I was still having a big problem with it, so he said that I can't take or bless the sacrament for a month and then we'll see what happens from there. I have two questions. 1 - please give me some good ways to explain why i'm not taking/blessing the sacrament to my family/friends/others (my parents don't know and I don't want them to know) and 2 - what are some ways to stop my addiction (I haven't really thought of any besides sing a hymn, take a walk) that don't cost anything (I am broke, lol). Thanks!

As you can clearly see, many here will be a supporting hand for you. Welcome to the forum and seeking help.

[countrygirl66]

hi just wanted to say that not wanting people to know is ok but please remember that at one time or another we all go to the bishop to repent of our sins and get help for the stumbling blocks we have. I think maybe people would understand better than you think. Satan wants you to beleive that everyone will think your bad. You are not just doing what we all do and that is trying our best to find our way back to heavenly father. The only other advice i would have is remove anything that can give you acess to it for now and get help from you bishop. Take care

[Guest tomk]

Well, I met with my bishop today after church and he wanted to call me to be the second counselor of the priest quorum. We had met in July about me getting ordained when I told him about my pornography addiction. I told him that I was still having a big problem with it, so he said that I can't take or bless the sacrament for a month and then we'll see what happens from there. I have two questions. 1 - please give me some good ways to explain why i'm not taking/blessing the sacrament to my family/friends/others (my parents don't know and I don't want them to know) and 2 - what are some ways to stop my addiction (I haven't really thought of any besides sing a hymn, take a walk) that don't cost anything (I am broke, lol). Thanks!

There is a 12-Step group online called "Heart-t-Heart". It is not officially part of the LDS Church, but is focused on LDS principles and is in harmony with them.

Here is a link to the online forum:

Heart t' Heart :: Index

the main page is:

Welcome to Heart t' Heart

I have struggled with masturbation ("mb" from now on) and pornography ("prn" from now on) for over 20 years. I am healing...but it has been a road of lots of ups and downs.

I no longer look at my addiction as something to be ashamed about. While the acting-out with mb and prn is unholy and wicked and does harm me spiritually -- not being able to stop doing it by my own power was the reason I found and began my relationship with Christ. Jesus has been the only Being who has been able to help me stop. Right now I have about 1 month of being clean from those things, through Christ's power. But to have the protection I have had to humble myself. It means having to say a quick prayer whenever I enter a dangerous situation, asking for strength so I will not yield to temptation. It means getting out of bed if I am having a difficult night. It means shunning the things that trigger me, sexually, including most TV shows. It means having to guard against lust. If I catch myself letting my gaze linger longer than it should...I just say a quick prayer and plead for change and strength to shun those things.

Christ can use many means to humble us and help us see the need to come unto Him, including addiction / weaknesses. In fact, He GIVES us the weaknesses:

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Who gives us the weakness?

Christ does!!!!!!!!

He says He can make weak things strong. Certainly that would apply to any addiction.

God bless ... let us know how things go, okay?

[HiJolly]

Well, I met with my bishop today after church and he wanted to call me to be the second counselor of the priest quorum. We had met in July about me getting ordained when I told him about my pornography addiction. I told him that I was still having a big problem with it, so he said that I can't take or bless the sacrament for a month and then we'll see what happens from there. I have two questions. 1 - please give me some good ways to explain why i'm not taking/blessing the sacrament to my family/friends/others (my parents don't know and I don't want them to know) and 2 - what are some ways to stop my addiction (I haven't really thought of any besides sing a hymn, take a walk) that don't cost anything (I am broke, lol). Thanks!

I know what you mean. I also notice that you don't mention the real problem, you know, the 'M' word.

I currently have two kids struggling with this, a boy and a girl. *I* struggled with this also, when I was younger. I prayed and struggled and had rare success stopping on my own.

I went to the Church SS councelors, they were worthless to me.

I prayed more and saw more help from above when I prayed to "not want to do it", rather than to "not do it". Better results, still not an effective solution.

Then I got testicular cancer, and now after surgery I don't have that problem anymore. I do think god answered my prayers. 100% solved. BUT...

My wife wants more intimacy now, and I'm struggling, working to be there for her. Perhaps there was a better solution to my 'M' problem, and since I never quite found it, HF solved it for me.

HiJolly

[tubaloth]

1 - please give me some good ways to explain why i'm not taking/blessing the sacrament to my family/friends/others (my parents don't know and I don't want them to know)

Lieing really isn’t an option. If they ask, you just tell them you didn’t feel like taking it for some reasons. If they keep asking, tell them you are repenting of some things. If they still ask, pleed the 5th addmendment.

2 - what are some ways to stop my addiction (I haven't really thought of any besides sing a hymn, take a walk) that don't cost anything (I am broke, lol). Thanks!

From seeing both sides of these types of problems, I have come to see how choices are made. I dare to bet you can realize when these situations were coming. Even this last Sunday they talked about being idle. Once people start being idle they want to find things to do. That usually is bad, because there is something better for you to be doing.

But more when I walked through my choice process (both good and bad) I realized so much more how Motivation is the key to why we make the choices we do. The reason I like pizza is because it tastes good. You don’t have to motivate me to eat pizza! Most people have to have some form of Motivation to do Home Teaching. Some find motivation in just doing it. Others struggle with it, because they aren’t motivated.

Figure out what is motivating you to do the good or bad. (in this case the bad). Find something else that is bigger motivator. Be it read the scriptures, be it go play basketball. Be it learn to tie flys. Play video games, eat a bannan, whatever it is that motivates you to be you. You need to find something that motivates you.

My own study finds that really faith is the best motivator, but that’s something you have to learn over time. (Which learning more and more about the gospel, can be a good motivator)

We all develop habits, good or bad. The key is to change the bad habits with good ones.

I’m not sure how you are getting a hold of this pornography, but there is a good internet filter

K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software

I suggest you talk to your family and kind of in a way vote on putting this on the computer. Let your parents set up the password and what should and shouldn’t get blocked.

If you can’t get to it! Then that’s a start!

In the end, what you want to strive for is like Nephi, “Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?”

Good Luck!

Edited October 22, 2008 by tubaloth