Getting used to Husband working out of home

[Elgama]

We were greatly blessed first 5 years of our married life that my husband was able to be at home most of the time between being out of work, running a business at home and finally being my carer when my illness (Fibromyalgia or more likely MS) was bad. However we decided as he was prone to depression it would be better if he got a job outside the home - it is almost a year since he started I am so proud of him he went from being too depressed to function to cycling 8 miles a day to catch a bus when we didn't have a car and he has taken 2 days off for illness all year and actually we have 1 weeks worth of holiday that needs to be taken in the next month.

I have a couple of problems:

1) I miss him when he his gone, it has got a bit easier but I get to 4.30pm and I just get excited and I do feel somedays that I clock watch for him to come home again even if I am busy. Its not in a clingy way I am not desperate for him not to go and I love the changes in him, his increased confidence and the extra cash is nice...

2) Today I asked him to stay home - he has holiday left, and they can take an emergency day occasionally, he was offered over the car. Technically I still need a fulltime carer but manage with someone dressing me and the kids and I are coping, as my illness progresses they will have to be more independent than most kids, which I know they can do. However I had a migraine it started last night - and it has been foul weather all night, but he went to work - I have been sick all morning Ellie didn't get to school as the bus didn't show up and Gubby is being horrible because he didn't sleep last night and finally woke up at 3,30am - in the past year I have only asked for this twice he didn't do it last time either (I had a bad dose of food poisioning) and I will manage but if I was lying in a dark room the pain would get better quicker, Ugh I guess I know I was wrong to ask but I really could do with him today. On top of that because buses are on strike I can't get to the soft play centre which I normally go to when I feel this bad (I figure if I collapse other adults are about and the kids play) I know I can't be as supportive as most wives, I know the house is a mess and I try to get dinner on table and kids bathed before he gets in, and I also take 5 or 6 nights of disturbed sleep with Gubby. He does have plenty of holiday I wasn't asking for a sick day

-Charley

[Hemidakota]

Charley, I think your beloved partner at this point, he needs to be more exerted around the house and family. I had stay home and helped out on many of occasions when she tired, overwhelmed, depressed, in allowing her to sleep in. However, noting his life changes, it is a positive feeling to have in your life. You may have to be sensitive when asking.

I alway know when Santa Anna or changed of weather direction when my partner begins the signs of a migraine. Neat little weather machine.

[georgia2]

What do you mean by holiday? sick leave or vacation time?

My husband gets both. He's been working over 35 years at same job and has lots of both.

Since i don't have kids at home I don't need him to be there if I am sick. If I did though, I would ask him to stay home also. Taking care of a home and kids is hard work, much harder than going to work in an office. At most offices you get to take breaks, lunch hour, have talk time with other employees, less frantic stress, and things that need immediate attention.

My husband has the type of job that it is hard for him to at the last minute decide to stay home. If your husband is like this, then, asking him to come home after lunch might work better. If he can take off at the drop of his hat, you are feeling so bad you can't handle, then YES, and in my opinion, he should. If you have only asked him twice in over a year and you have these health problems, I think you are doing very well. If he s so healthy he can ride 8 miles a day plus work, then he is much more able than you to be able to handle these kids and stresses when you feel this bad.

If however he still won't do it. call your visiting teachers. someone should be able to help you at least by coming by to take the hardest for you to handle.

Plus, people, especially men get their self esteem and image from their job. If he is doing this well, he might like to go to work too much! since there are only 2 months left in the year, why wouldn't he?

Edited October 28, 2008 by georgia2

[BenRaines]

In these economic times how secure is his job? Would someone who takes time off be looked at as a slacker? Is he a a valued employee or someone that could be replaced?

I am sure he is needed at home but as someone who is providing for his family does he have concerns for his work.

Personally having been the sole support for our family for the last 33 years is an emotional burden. Is there enough money coming in to meet the family of 6 needs, how about their wants? Earned a vacation, can I afford to spend money to take one? I have found that vacation time is good but I tend to spend more money when I have the free time.

Sounds like he could help out more around the house due to your poor health but the man is supporting his family and I know my wife would rather struggle at home and have food on the table than have me at home taking care of her and no money to eat.

I am sure there are many more details that I am not aware of but that is just my guess.

Ben Raines

[Elgama]

not sure I have visiting teachers right now (it a huge job in our branch near to overwhelming, area and stake have asked us to concerntrate on less active and inactive sisters) - my Relief Society President would help but I know by phoning her I put her in a very awkward position, as all the Sisters in our Relief Society that are fit and healthy are at stages in their lives where they work, so in all situations if I can't do she is it. We have a RS that is a very bad advert for the Word of Wisdom lol

My husband gets 6 weeks vacation a year but 2 weeks have to be taken at Christmas so we have only taken 3 weeks since last January, that has been taken up by my daughters operation on her eye's and other practical consideration. He is supposed to give 2 weeks notice of time off but they are happy for things going wrong to sanction 3 days with no notice for example secretary needed time off when her cat was run over or when our car broke down as we live in the sticks they asked if Richard needed time off which we didn't take he managed to carpool then he started cycling. I think he is just terrifying of messing the job up - he arrives early and stays late when he can, it is a very good job its not massively well paid but its not bad and the working conditions are great - 6 weeks is a lot of holiday for his job, his pension plan is excellent etc and the firm pay for meals out and once a year we get a weekend in a fancy hotel.

-Charley

[BenRaines]

So I can see why he would be concerned to give them any reason to think he is not a team player. As I said earlier it is a great burden to be the sole income for a family and to feel that responsibility. I think from what I have heard that your husband takes that seriously and is doing all he can to care for his family.

Ben Raines

[Elgama]

In these economic times how secure is his job? Would someone who takes time off be looked at as a slacker? Is he a a valued employee or someone that could be replaced?

I am sure he is needed at home but as someone who is providing for his family does he have concerns for his work.

His job is more secure than most no job is bulletproof but its definitely bullet resistant - right now even local government doesn't look good, but basically if Richard goes its because his company does they lived through the depression have a sizeable workforce, and war chest. They have laid off as many of the workforce as they can and still keep the unit here open, they did it 6 months ago before things got really tight. They did all the things an experienced company does when hardtimes hit, before they hit. His worry for his job is from his own insecurities about himself - he is still pinching himself about the job, even though he is doing so well he has had a sizeable pay rise in the last few months and 2 promotions since he started last year. He is a brilliant man good at his job. His immediate boss has already told him after the work he has done over the past few months he should take time off.

Also he doesn't earn the vacation he gets 6 weeks a year which come as part of his salary which is annual.

-Charley

[georgia2]

SO, he has a 5 working days left of his vacation.

I don't see any selfishness in asking if he can help. One day notice is better than no day notice. Like I said before, even a half day would help.