A Bit Upset

[Guest ripley9759]

my mother passed away in SLC, she was a devout LDS church member. A member of The Relief society and a pianist and choruster in her Ward. She was Baptized in the Church, Married in The Temple. She was 69 yrs old when she died. The past few yrs she was unable to get around and was mostly home bound, the home teachers would come to the house for her. What has me upset is that the local Bishopric would not help organize or preside over her funeral. and I quote "I didnt know her that well" . My mother whos life she dedicated to the church, whos marriage was blessed by the church, upon her death was not recognized by the church. She did not have her funeral services held within the chapel, because the Bishopric didnt know her that well. Instead she laid in a funeral parlor, while my nephew just back from mission held the ceremony. To say my father was upset would be an understatement. To say we as a family were upset is also an understatement.

Do you think it was wrong of the Bishopric to deny my Mother her funeral in a church she so devoutly supported? To deny our family a blessing from the Bishopric and his sympathy in her passing?

I believe he owes myself, my family and most importantly my father an apology for his crass and uncaring disregard of my mother death because " I didnt know her that well" God knows her, knows her faith, and the Bishopric should have known that as well

It was sad enough to lose my mother, but to see my faith and her faith crushed like that is too much. She believed so much in the church, and to have her church turn its back on her and her family, is devastating.

I have asked for an apology and to date have not recieved one, from her Bishopric. I even asked mine to apologize on the church behalf but have not recieve it from him either. Any help from anyone would be greatly appreciated, Im at a lose here.

Thank you.

[Amillia]

What good would it do? What would it change? You have some pretty rare bishops there. I have never heard of anything so stupid in my whole life ~ and that is a long life we are talking about. I have lived in several states and lots of wards and stakes and never have ever heard of this before.

If I were you, I would chalk it up to some pretty stupid men, and move on. Let your mother's life stand on it's own power and live in honor of her life, not her funeral.

[Setheus]

I believe in a chain of command. I would send a letter (0r tell in person) your stake leader. And I would also send the same letter to the Mission Presedent, the Temple Pres. of the Temple she was sealed in, and to all the the Quarum of the 12 and the First Presidency. ( this does not violate the chain of command, in that the purpose of a chain of command is to ensure that everyone knows what's going on.) You'd just be speeding the process up a bit.

So what if the bishop didnt know her. If she was a member of his ward she was HIS responsibility!

[Amillia]

Sometimes it does some good to go tell, but really ~

My dear friend had many of her grand children molested by one man and because she was so upset over it, she tried to discuss it with her VT. But this woman was so up in the night, she told my friend that she carried a dark spirit into her home talking about such things, and told her she wouldn't discuss it with her.

It so upset my friend she told her daughter, who was going to have a personal visit with Pres. Hinckley about child molestation ( it was a big trial, and her daughter was the mother of some of the kids molested) This daughter told Pres. Hinckley what the VT had done to her mother, and Pres. Hinckley said something to the effect of : It is so sad many people are not doing what they should in their callings. They don't serve the needs of their people.

He didn't run right out and chastise the VT. But he did validate the fact that many people are totally insensitive. We must realize there are a lot of mistakes people are going to make in their callings... running and telling on them or just festering over those mistakes isn't going to improve any situation.

[Guest ripley9759]

thank you so much for your responses, I think mostly i am venting. even an acknowledgement of his insensitivity would be something more than the brush off we recieved ya know.

On the other side of the coin, was the death of my brother from Aids. His Bishopric got him to the hospital, notified my mother and father, and gave the blessing in the hospital room. He was homosexual, yet recieved compassion and caring from his bishopric in spite of it. That man truly is a personification of what my mother expected from the church, a true Christian man, who looked past the AIDS and homosexuality and saw a child of god needing his care and guidance. Our family will forever be grateful to him, for showing my brother that the church was there for him til the end.

Now maybe I should introduce that bishopric to my mothers, maybe he could teach him a few things.

[begood2]

Ripley,

I know that the loss of your mother was a very painful experience for you and your family. The fact that you had to also deal with such a cold and uncaring bishop made the situation that much more devastating!

I think that I would put my thoughts in writing as Setheus suggest ... that might help the next person that has to face such a situation.

Ultimately however, I like Amillia's answer ... to focus on the positive deeds of your mother when she was alive and not on the mistreatment of her funeral.

May God bless you and your family and give you the strength to forgive and move on.

[StrawberryFields]

Ripley,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dear mother. I believe that your mother and your family were wronged, and I can see your point clearly having lost my own mother two years ago. My parents have been less active my entire life and yet when my mom passed away food was brought in from the RS. They offered to conduct her funeral, play the piano, or anything else we needed. My father chose the have her services in a new and beautiful funeral home and my husband conducted and my good friend played the piano. While we were at the services they sent a gentleman from the ward to sit in his car, in my parents¡Ç driveway to protect their home. After the services, women from the RS gathered the flowers that would not be going to the cemetery and took care of them until we arrived back to the house. I was truly amazed at the sincere love that they demonstrated to my family during that very difficult time. Many of the ward members also attended my mothers services and they knew my father and I also know many of them because my parents have live in the same home for 35 years.

Amillia was right when she said that these men where stupid. I validate your feelings of hurt and I still remember so clearing the things that took place at her service two years later. A woman who had not seen my father for 20 year showed up to my mother's viewing and hit on my dad...she is still with him today. It might ease your suffering some to think about the fact that she probably doesn't really care anymore about the trivial earthy stuff being where she is now.

I also think that you need to have your feeling validated from the "church" as well, so wrote that letter. Stick around here too, my mom's death is what brought be to LDS Talk two years ago. I came looking for answers but I must warn you that coming here also raised more questions too. All in all, it's a pretty good place to land though.

[Guest curvette]

First of all, I'm sorry about your loss. Where on earth did this happen? I also have NEVER heard of such a thing. You were unlucky enough to have the biggest bonehead of a Bishop I've ever heard of. I went to a funeral at a church who held a funeral for a non LDS man because his live in girlfriend was (technically) LDS. They had a baby together, so I guess the church recognized the relationship and gave him a wonderful funeral. This may be unusual as well, but seems to be more in keeping with what should be done. I don't know what to say except that your Bishop was dead wrong.

[Lindy]

ripley9759~

I too, am so sorry for loss of your mother, and the way she and her family were treated by "the biggest bonehead of a Bishop" (so well put by curvette).

I agree with Setheus on going a step farther in reporting this to the stake president, etc. What good will it do? Perhaps it will stop it from happening to another good church member who he "didn't know that well"

Someone told me how he, his dad, brothers, and grandmother were treated after the death of his mother a few years ago, and how upset he was in the lack of compassion his ward leaders had towards a good LDS woman. Because of the hurt they felt, the family left behind, started falling away from the church, and I think that now, half of them have left the church altogether. Wonder if it was the same ward in S.L.C.? It hurts my heart to think that such irresponsible behavior of a church leader could cause such heartache and sadness for family members left behind.

[Winnie G]

I am so sorry to hear that your mother has gone on.

You should go up the change of command even if it is to make sure none else has to go though what you have gone though.

I use to work at a funeral home years back and if a family came in that had no religious affiliation we could ALL WAYS count on the LDS church to step in if the family wanted a religious service. They buried my ex mother-in-law long before I came along in my ex's life.

My stepfather was a member at his death but attended church rarely due to my mothers disagreement with the churches teachings on women and the priesthood.

He had a LDS funeral.

So the bishop needs a kick in the pants!

I think the large wards in SLC can course people to have little contact with leadership to get to know them.

That in it's self should have sprung a thought in to that Bishop. Same on him, not much of a leader I would say.

Again I am sorry you have had such a painful experience.

Love Winnie G