Marriage Help (depression)

[Istillhavehope]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. When we were dating he told me he suffered from depression in the past but he was fine now. He seemed fine. He was athletic outgoing and lots of fun.

Two weeks after we got married things started to change. He did not want to have anything to do with me. I thought something was wrong with me. He locked himself in a room and played video games. He quit his job and expected me to take over the responsibility of a failing business he started. It was really hard to try and manage a business I knew nothing about and was not qualified to take over. He expected food to be brought to him, his clothes to be washed and handed to him right as he got out of the shower. He even wanted me to clip his toenails for him. If I refused to do these things he would tell me that I didn’t love him or that he would suffer.

He gained 50 pounds and blamed it on me because I was responsible for his diet.

I felt so tricked into being married to him. I felt like he put on a show just to get me to marry him and once I did, he no longer had to be nice to me.

This went on for over a year. Once I even started to pack my bags but he convinced me to stay. I realized one day after he threatened to commit suicide that he was depressed. After many months of persuading he finally went to a councilor and got some medicine to help.

Things were great after he got counseling and meds. I was happy to be married to him and we started a family. While I was pregnant with my son things started to change again. He locked himself away. I thought it was my fault, may be it was because I was pregnant. We moved during this time and even though I was pregnant I was expected to do all the packing and most of the lifting. He complained every time I needed his help to lift something. I ask him if he was still taking his meds and he said he was. When I found the bottle of meds it was still full and he had not refilled it in over a month. He lied to me but blamed me because I didn’t remind him to take the meds. He made me feel so guilty.

I’ve had my baby and my husband has been less that helpful. Every time I do ask for help he complains.

Yesterday we were at a friend’s house and he saw a few movies they had that he was missing. As we drove home he accused me of lending out his movies and not getting them back. I told him I didn’t. He lectured me about how I don’t respect him or his stuff. I told him again I didn’t lend out his movies. He continued to badger me but now he won’t even talk to me. He is so cold to me. I wish he would get back on his medicine. If I didn’t have our son I would already be gone. I’m tired of living with someone who is depressed and blames me for his depression. I’ve tried everything I could to help him but I can’t do anymore unless he want to help. So right now I’m just really sad. I don’t want a divorce I just want him to get better. I even went to counseling to find out if there was something wrong with me that made my husband this way. He told me I was too passive and I can’t let my husband treat me like this but I’m still working on it.

Right now he refuses to get back on his medicine. He won’t go to personal or marriage counseling so how can I help him???

[Misshalfway]

I don't like the blame shifting.

I don't like the gas lighting.

I don't like the denial and the refusal to help himself.

I don't like his emotional manipulations.

You can't change him. You can really only effect change in the things you can control. I think that setting some proper boundaries would help you.....and as a secondary benefit help him too. It sounds like when he gets into his dark headspace that his is rather harsh and even abusive with you and this isn't right no matter what our personal problems are and you shouldn't apologize for standing up for yourself and demanding that things change.

It sounds like to me you might need an intervention. I know we use that word around addictions, but I think it helps with people who have all kinds of disorders and behavioral patterns that impact other people in negative all consuming ways. And as far as I can tell his problems have completely overshadowed every part of your life. He is going down and he is taking you with him. You have to stop that for love of yourself and your baby. If he wants to go down, he certainly can choose to do that but you don't have to go to. Marriage doesn't mean that.

If it were me, I would explain to him that this thing has to change and it has to change today. I would explain that I will not live like this anymore. I won't babysit or take the blame for his irresponsibility. I won't be the scapegoat when things don't go right and I won't stand for my weaknesses being used as a distraction away from his failings. He is an adult. It is time he started acting like one. I am willing to support, but I am not willing to be spat upon. If he doesn't get help from medical professionals and if he doesn't perform his role as being a functioning member of this marriage and family, then the living situation will have to change. I would move out, or ask him to move out. I might even separate.

This might sound harsh. I have struggled with depression, so I understand how hard this is. But that doesn't mean I don't have responsibility for how I handle my life challenges/pain and it doesn't mean that I don't have to manage myself so I don't hurt people I am with. It seems your H has not learned lessons of personal responsibility yet and I think its time. And you may be the only person who will finally hand the reigns of his life back to him. You do him no favors by submitting to his demands or taking responsibility for things that aren't yours. And how he is treating you isn't fair at all! I think you need to take serious steps to turn this ship around. And if he won't comply.....then you must do what is in your best interest so that you can find peace and happiness.

[NeuroTypical]

My wife has suffered from all sorts of mental issues her whole life, including depression. Few things get her mad faster than hearing stories like your husband. From her point of view, you should not take any crap from him whatsoever. He's had the counseling, he's experienced the level playing field that comes from the correct meds, it's his choice to sit on his rear end and refuse to be healthy.

Important: He is not "suffering from depression", he is CHOOSING to suffer from depression. My wife recommends a zero-tolerance policy for that crappy behavior - especially from a parent of dependent children.

(Now, I'm not so severe in my opinions as my wife is. But I thought her opinion should carry more weight, since she actually deals with the problems you say your husband deals with.)

LM

[edit - just read Misshalfway's post - sounds like there's two votes. (I don't think Misshalfway is my wife... :))]

Edited August 25, 2009 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Misshalfway]

He's not my husband. He wears his shorts too high.

[Gwen]

has he been misdiagnosed? is it something more "serious" than just "regular" depression... ?

aside from the question of the correct diagnosis i agree with others that he has no excuses. that behavior isn't acceptable. i understand slip ups and such but there comes a point when even a depressed person realizes what they are doing and makes the choice to live that way or make efforts to get better. i know i too have suffered from depression. from several different sources from postpartum to hormones to just plain unhappy.

please read this and check off the things that fit your marriage, be honest about it... Warning Signs Of Emotional Abuse | BYU Women's Services

[ryanh]

These are the posts that are really hard for me to read. All too familiar. I want to support marriage, but I find it so difficult when giving advice in such situations.

Are you sure that depression is the only thing going on? I suppose it could account for a lot of the behaviors, but there seems to be more going on than that. I have fought with depression for a very long time. Longer than many posters on this site have been alive. I know what it is like. Even though I think I can appreciate that everyone's situation and condition is different, the clothes and toenails, along with the manipulative guilt trips and lying don't 'feel' like they have depression at their root.

After 14 years of marriage, I have never been able to get past that feeling of being tricked and manipulated into marriage when, 6 weeks into marriage, as if a switch flipped, she became a very different person. I suppose that were your h to get treated right away, it might be possible for you to get past this period as just a bad time. But let me tell you - after several years, the bitterness gets ingrained and impossible to shake. Don't let it get to that state.

Yes, perhaps you have been enabling him a little bit. But the past doesn't matter nearly so much as what you do from here going forward.

My dear sister, I think you should turn and run with all your might. This marriage was a mistake. I don’t believe that turning away from a mistake is a sin. (See Elder Oaks’ Sins and Mistakes and Divorce conference talks). Now that you know it is not moving toward a celestial marriage, time to get out and find one that will. He has already given you the answer needed - he refuses to get help for something that even a depressed person knows is abnormal.

[FairChild]

I deal with long term serious depression and have lived with abusive men, my father and 2ex-husbands. The problems you describe aren't as much from the depression, rather the problems are coming from an abusive and manipulative man. My sugesstions are and I do not make them lightly, is to call your local abuse hotline. Ask what resources are available to you. Make use of them. Leave him or allow him to move out. Use a restraining order if you have to. Set very firm boundries and use them. Allow your child's father to pay child support. It's his child too and it is his personal problem. Let him handle it. Set it up through the state if you can. If he is that seriously depressed, he can get SS and depending on your income, SS will provide income for your child. You don't want your child to grow up believing that is situation is a normal and healthy one. You don't want your child to become an abuser. you don't want your child to be abused. Think seriously about suppervised visitation only for your child, at least for awhile. If your husband gets his act together and keeps it together for a long period of time, if you want, visitation can be changed. If he grows and choses to have consistantly good behavior you can get back together again. I would make good behavior to be maintained for at least one year. As you read this, I want you to think about, to understand the fact you are an abused women. Just like the kind of women you read about, see in movies or on TV. I greatly worry about your safety. I am afraid he is going to physically hurt you or your child. I had someone tell me that very same thing once and I just shook my head and said "That won't happen here." I wound up with shoulder damage and bruises within the month. It will be ok if he chooses not to get his act together as long as you get yours. Let us know what happens. I will worry about you. A lot.

[ryanh]

Below is the first part of a two part article from marriagebuilders.com

When to Call It Quits Pt 1

The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse's lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I'm in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple's control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I'm opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement -- that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love.

In this Q&A column, I'll feature a letter I received from a spouse who was told to love unconditionally. Her husband has failed to meet her emotional needs, and is unwilling to do anything about it. Next week, I'll feature a letter from a wife whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive. Both of these women want to know when enough is enough. When should they call it quits?

On the subject of neglect, I've chosen to feature a marriage that isn't all that bad from most people's perspective, but isn't good either. L.R.'s husband hasn't abandoned her physically, leaving her to fend for herself. Instead, he's only abandoned her emotionally. They probably even have a friendship of sorts. It's cases like these that leave a wife struggling to know what to do.

As it turns out, most of these women divorce their husbands. In fact, research I've personally conducted in the archives of government statistics on the causes of divorce lead me to believe that as many as 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect. Women like L.R. suddenly call it quits with little warning, leaving her husband, family and friends scratching their heads wondering what's wrong with her.

In this Q&A column, I describe what spouses usually do when faced with neglect, and then I explain what spouses should do. My approach is radical, and very controversial. But keep in mind the point I've just made-80% of divorces are caused by neglect. There's a much higher risk of divorce in marriages where spouses are not meeting each other's emotional needs than there is in all the marriages that suffer from physical and verbal abuse, chemical dependency, unemployment, and all other causes combined.

Dear Dr. Harley,

I just want to say thank you for your column on unconditional love. It explains a lot and eliminates a lot of confusion for me personally. Additionally, I will tell you that all you said bears witness with my experience in 20 years of marriage thus far. So....as I read all you said, my marriage experience lines up with it. You're right.

We have half of the recipe for being in love. My husband does nothing to hurt me. But he also does nothing to meet any of my important emotional needs. When I tell him that I want more from him emotionally, he tells me that he believes in unconditional love. I am not to require more of him emotionally because he doesn't know how to give it, and he doesn't want to learn. So I live emotionally disconnected from him. All my efforts over our 20 years together to grow together have failed because he believes in unconditional love.

It is a great relief for me to have you explain all of this, but what can I do about it? Am I stuck with a man who doesn't hurt me, but also doesn't meet any of my emotional needs?

L. R.

- - - - - -

Dear L. R. You've witnessed my greatest objection to the concept of unconditional love: It makes people think they shouldn't have to do anything to be loved. When you complain about your husband's failure to meet important emotional needs, he says, "So what! You should love me regardless of what I do."

Countless marriages face the same problem. One or both spouses feel that they're entitled to love, so they do what they please, which usually ruins their marriage. What can be done about it? Here are the options.

First, I'll tell you what most people do, and then I'll explain what should be done.

The most common first response to a spouse's neglect is to complain: "I'd like it if you'd be more affectionate." A complaint is an effort to communicate a problem without being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. It's a notification there's an opportunity to make deposits (or avoid withdrawals) from the Love Bank. There's nothing wrong with that initial approach to the problem of neglect since it's simply communicating a need.

But when that doesn't produce results, mistakes usually follow. The first mistake is to criticize: "Why do you ignore me? What's wrong with you?" A criticism adds demands, disrespect, and/or anger to the complaint. The message of an unmet emotional need is buried under layers of abuse. Instead of creating a cooperative partner, it creates an adversary.

When criticism fails, and it almost always does, the next step is usually to stop meeting the other spouse's emotional needs: "If you won't meet my emotional needs, I won't meet yours." And that usually means sex. It seems fair at the time, but as with criticism it usually doesn't work and leads to a steady deterioration of the relationship. Spouses start living independent lives, sleeping in different rooms, going on separate vacations, having separate friends, separate checking accounts, separate recreational activities - they become ships passing in the night.

At this point, they often make the biggest mistake of their lives-one or both spouses have an affair. There are no excuses for infidelity, but the reason most people give for having an affair is that their intimate emotional needs (affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship) are not being met in marriage. And since 60% of all marriages experience that extremely painful betrayal, this response to unmet emotional needs, which is common in marriage, is almost a certainty.

When a complaint doesn't work, and criticism doesn't work, and independent lifestyles don't work, and an affair doesn't work, then there's always divorce as a final answer to the question, "What should you do if your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs?" There's little reason to fake it anymore. The marriage is broken, so why pretend that you're still married?

L.R., it doesn't sound as if you've reached the point in your marriage where you're thinking about divorce, or even having an affair. So let me take you back to the beginning, and give you the steps I'd recommend to help you get what you need in your marriage.

The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger. Invite your husband to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with you that can be copied from the Questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders® website. After you have each described your most important emotional needs, the book ,"His Needs, Her Needs," will help you learn to meet those needs for each other. The accompanying workbook, "Five Steps to Romantic Love," provides worksheets that will help you both implement a plan to turn need -- fulfilling behavior into habits.

This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking. What I'm recommending is a focused appeal. Instead of just asking him to read a book, you're asking him to fill out a questionnaire that will help you understand each other better. Then, the book will help you solve any problems that come to light after reading each other's answers. It might work.

But if your husband refuses to accept your offer, the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially -- plan A is first, followed by plan B.

Plan A is to give your husband "unconditional love" for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I've just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I've never been opposed to its use if it's intended to prime the pump. One spouse can't save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse's emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too.

But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband. You can't simply move out of the bedroom. You must move from the house, or have him move. If you live in a state that supports legal separation, go to the trouble to see an attorney so that all financial and legal arrangements are made in advance. Be sure that you can support yourself for an extended period of time, such as a year.

If you have young children, I would advise you to require your husband to move, and for you to remain in the home with your children. If the children are grown, I'd advise you to move and pick a living space that is cheerful and uplifting. You'll go through quite a few emotional ups and downs and the place you live can be either inspiring or depressing. Make sure it's inspiring.

I know that this sounds like a drastic measure, but it's amazing how quickly time passes. Before you know it, you'll have been married not 20 years, but 40 years, and you'll be facing the same problems.

As an illustration of how this is to be done, I'll describe how a woman I counseled, Ellen, went through that experience, and ended up having a very affectionate and romantic husband.

Ellen contacted me with essentially the same complaint that you described in your letter. Her husband, Ken, was not abusive, but didn't meet her intimate emotional needs. She is a Christian, but told me that she was very tempted to have an affair or divorce her husband. She wanted to avoid both possibilities.

After Ellen agreed to follow my plan A/plan B approach, it took her almost a year to prepare for plan B. She saw an attorney, saved some money, got a better paying job, and found an apartment that appealed to her. About one month before she was ready to implement plan B, she poured on the charm with plan A, all the while encouraging Ken to join her in learning how to meet each others emotional needs.

Ken loved all the attention (and sex) he was getting, but remained firm in his conviction that he shouldn't have to learn to meet her emotional needs. He believed in unconditional love.

After a month had passed, when Ken returned home from work, there was a note on the kitchen table from Ellen. She explained that she loved him, and wanted their marriage to be successful. But because the relationship was one -- sided, with she doing all the giving, and he doing all the taking, she decided that it was time to do something about it. If he wanted to talk with her, she could be reached on her cell phone.

I had explained to Ellen how her husband would probably react at first: He would throw a fit. And that's precisely what happened. He told her that he was filing for divorce, and that she was now on her own. I also predicted what might happen next: After he had a chance to cool off, he'd want to have sex with her. That also happened right on schedule after two weeks had passed. My advice to her was that she should agree to it only after he saw a counselor with her that would take them through "His Needs, Her Needs." Since her husband hated me after he learned that I was the architect of this plan, I suggested that she find a local counselor who was familiar with my books and methods, which she did.

Sometimes, especially when an unfaithful spouse refuses to end an affair, I recommend no contact at all for plan B. If he wants to contact her, he must talk through a designated mediator. But in this case, I didn't feel that a mediator was necessary and that Ellen could talk with Ken by cell phone. He didn't know her address, however.

Plan B ended with the first counseling session. Ellen gave Ken her address and they planned to meet regularly to complete the lessons.

Ken wanted Ellen to move back to their home immediately, but I recommended that she wait until they were meeting each other's intimate emotional needs almost effortlessly. It turned out that they were separated for about a year because while Ken wanted Ellen with him, he resisted learning the new habits that would meet her emotional needs. He agreed to do everything that was recommended while in the counseling office, but then didn't always follow through on the assignments.

But Ellen was in no hurry to return home. She made it clear to Ken that until their new habits were in place she'd remain separated from him. Fifteen hours a week of undivided attention, using the time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment, was the goal. And they had to practice it until it became almost effortless for both of them. Then, she'd return home.

Toward the end of their program, they would spend the night with each other on a fairly regular basis. He'd be with her, or she'd be with him. So the transition back to living together was almost seamless, and they continue to have a romantic relationship to this day.

But what can be done if your husband does not respond the way Ken responded to Ellen? What if he refuses counseling? What if he makes no effort to draw you back into a relationship with him? What if he threatens to have an affair, or divorce you?

There's the possibility that your husband will not want you to return. He may be happy that you've left. Separation is always a dangerous step to take because it often leads to an affair or divorce. But what are the alternatives?

Some people wait and hope for a change of heart. But as I mentioned earlier, time can go by very quickly. Before you know it, 20 more years will have passed without any improvement.

It's sad to consider how many people put up with a loveless marriage and simply live independently. In fact, about 20% of all married couples die having been separated for many years. And while another 20% continue to live together, they don't have much of a relationship -- it's like your marriage. Only about 20% have a romantic relationship throughout marriage-they meet each other's intimate emotional needs.

If you want to be among the 20% that are happily married, you may need to do something drastic-like follow my plan. Or you will become one of the 20% that live together unfulfilled (like you are now), the 20% that stay married, but eventually separate for the rest of their lives together (like you may end up), or the remaining 40% who throw in the towel and divorce.

I strongly encourage you to be among the 20% with a very fulfilling marriage. While your husband may not like my plan at first, especially if you separate from him, if it succeeds, he will be a much happier man. He will come to recognize, as you do, that a great marriage requires a mutual effort. Both spouses must take their marital responsibilities seriously by meeting each other's intimate emotional needs.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

[ryanh]

Below is the second part of a two part article from marriagebuilders.com.

When to Call It Quits Pt 2

Last week, I addressed one of the problems that unconditional love can create -- neglect. Many of those who believe that love should be unconditional in marriage feel justified in failing to meet their spouses' emotional needs. I described what spouses usually do when faced with neglect -- they end up having affairs or getting divorced. Those who stay married usually remain unfulfilled for the rest of their lives.

Then, I explained what spouses should do when they've been emotionally neglected. It begins with an effort to respectfully persuade a spouse to meet important emotional needs. But when that doesn't work, I recommend the very controversial step of separation until the most important emotional needs are met.

I help couples avoid calling it quits, not by teaching them how to endure disappointment and suffering, but by encouraging them to insist on having a mutually fulfilling marriage. My approach to the topic of neglect may seem radical to many, because they don't see marital neglect as a serious enough problem to warrant separation. But the alternative for many is to eventually call it quits when an earlier separation would have saved their marriage.

This week, however, my advice to separate will be easier to accept because it involves another serious problem that unconditional love can create -- abuse. In this case, you may feel that separation is too risky, that divorce should be the answer. But as you'll see, even in cases of physical abuse, I don't recommend throwing in the towel until an abusive spouse has been given plenty of opportunity to reform. Towel-throwing should take place only after reasonable efforts to reconcile have been exhausted.

As I mentioned last week, I've come to the conclusion that 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect -- important emotional needs are not being met. You'd think that abuse would be the major contributor, but it's not. In fact, physical abuse accounts for only about 2 1/2 percent of divorces. So while the wife who wrote last week about neglect appears to be in a reasonably safe and normal marriage, she's far more likely to call it quits than the writer of today's letter who is the victim of physical abuse.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Dr. Harley,

I loved your article on unconditional love, and I completely agree with you. I am, however one of the stupid ones that has tried to love my husband unconditionally. I always seem to find some sort of hope, even when there shouldn't be any.

My husband is physically and emotionally abusive to me. He's more than twice my size with a very bad temper. During his temper tantrums he will sometimes rip off his shirt and hit himself in the head while I wonder if I'll be next.

Right now he is on a 1 month deployment to Afghanistan. The other night I told him that I missed him. He got mad at me and asked why. When I said that I couldn't wait for him to hold me again, he said that he wasn't in the "family mood" and he wouldn't be very approachable when he returned. I thought he needed to hear that I loved him unconditionally. It backfired.

I hope that you continue to write on this topic as I feel I am the prime subject for this kind of article. I do truly believe that loving unconditionally has been my greatest downfall.

Thanks for all the great insight you give. Sometimes your emails are the only thing that keeps me from feeling like I'm nothing, and I can see how things are supposed to be.

E.W.

- - - - - -

Dear E.W.

In a way, it's understandable that the problems facing soldiers in Afghanistan might take some of them out of the "family mood." I have witnessed many who come back very depressed after a deployment. The Army and Marines are trying very hard to help returning soldiers deal with the emotional fallout of their tour of duty.

You may feel that your husband may be a victim of the harsh conditions of the battlefield. Unconditional love sometimes seems to be the most appropriate response to someone like your husband. Maybe your love will lift him out of the depression he experiences, and may eventually help him overcome his abusive behavior. By telling your husband that you miss him and that you can't wait for him to hold you, you may feel that it will raise his spirits. He will appreciate your warmth, and respond with a similarly warm reaction.

But you're sending the wrong message. He is being led to assume that it's his response of "so what?" that makes you love him. After all, when he is abusive, you keep loving him. You are rewarding bad behavior. His cold response to your effort to love him unconditionally is proof that it's misguided.

Whenever a spouse becomes physically abusive, even when it's not even close to being life-threatening, it's time to pack your bags. My standard advice for even the mildest forms of physical abuse is separation until the abuser completes a course in anger management, and takes personal responsibility for all forms of abuse, physical or verbal. If you take that important step in response to his abuse, you send the right message -- you will not tolerate abusive behavior.

Many abused wives find my advice to be impractical because they're too dependent on their husbands. It's like walking out of a lion's cage and off a cliff. Would you rather take your chances with the lion than suffer a fatal fall? Separation, of course, isn't really a fall off a cliff, but for many abused women it seems that way.

To further complicate the matter, an abusive spouse usually measures his or her abuse so it's not quite enough to warrant separation. And those who occasionally cross the line usually offer sincere apologies after an attack. An appeal for forgiveness often settles the matter and almost guarantees yet another abusive incident.

Some abused wives have lost so much confidence in themselves that they feel that they deserve some of their husband's abuse. What if you separate and your husband refuses to take responsibility for his abuse? Would you blame yourself?

Since dependency is often at the root of an abusive relationship, when you find yourself being physically or even verbally abused, your highest priority should be to end the dependency as quickly as possible so that you can separate. In last week's newsletter on the topic of neglect, I offered an example of how a wife can go about preparing for separation -- getting a higher paying job, saving money, and looking for a comfortable apartment. When neglect is the problem, she can take her time to make the separation comfortable for her.

But abuse is a different matter. In many cases I've witnessed, taking too much time has led to permanent injury and even death. So you should put your plans to separate on the fast track.

During the 1960s and 1970s, feminists warned women to avoid the "trap" of marriage. By becoming financially dependent on a husband, a woman risked losing her identity and failing to reach her potential in life. For many women, especially those married to abusive husbands, they were right.

But today, wives are not nearly as financially dependent on their husbands as they were 50 years ago. And there are many more programs to help abused wives become self-supporting. So when a wife finds herself married to an abusive husband, she is not really trapped. There are many escape routes.

I strongly advise you to talk with a chaplain in your husband's base immediately, and explain how your husband has been treating you. I don't know all the facts regarding your situation, and there may be some aspects of my advice that would be inappropriate. The chaplain would be able to sort it all out, and come to a decision that guarantees your safety while also taking into account the fallout from your husband's battlefield experiences. He or she will have already heard your story from many other wives of soldiers who have been deployed, and will probably have some good advice for you. If you bring your husband's problem into the open, especially in the army, it will encourage your husband to do something about it.

Tell the chaplain or counselor he or she recommends that you plan to separate when your husband returns, primarily because of his abuse. But make it clear that you don't want to upset your husband while deployed, or make his depression even worse when he returns by separating from him. The chaplain might be able to help you separate in a way that gives your husband encouragement while he guides him in treatment for his anger.

When I counsel wives of abusive husbands who are not in the armed services, and don't have the resources to break their dependence, I recommend help from women's shelters. They provide counseling, employment opportunities, housing, legal services, and many other forms of support that help break the dependency that makes these women so vulnerable to abuse. But I usually give a word of caution: Most women's shelters don't try to help an abused wife repair her marriage. They're great when it comes to providing her safety, but not so great in giving the abusive husband help in overcoming his angry outbursts and restoring his marriage.

You have one month to plan your escape, and you'll have plenty of help from the armed services. Your biggest obstacle will be self-doubt -- wondering if you're doing the right thing. But if you remind yourself that abusive marriages, especially those with even the slightest amount of physical abuse, are so dangerous that they should never be tolerated, you'll have confidence that you must separate. If your husband is given professional help in learning to control his temper, and he proves to you that he can handle frustration intelligently instead of emotionally, you can then live together in peace.

In the meantime, don't tell your husband again that you miss him or can't wait for him to hold you. Instead, while he's deployed keep your conversation fact-oriented. If he asks what's wrong with you, tell him that you are going though a period of soul-searching.

Your husband's angry outbursts demonstrate a fact that I've expressed for years -- it's temporary insanity. You have no idea what he's capable of doing to you when he's angry. When your husband rips off his shirt and hits his head in anger, he's not in control of himself. His safety and yours are at risk.

The first step in overcoming angry outbursts is to recognize that they are not controlled by others -- we control our own angry outbursts. Granted, others may frustrate us, and our experiences, such as being deployed in Afghanistan, may make us feel angry. But an angry outburst is entirely our own responsibility. Once your husband accepts that fact, he can then learn how to control his emotional reaction to frustration and solve his problems intelligently.

Anger management training for your husband will not only save your marriage, but it will also improve your husband's potential in the future. It will make him a happier and more successful person.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.