Is Trusting your 15 year old son enough??

[RainofGold]

A few days ago a mom of one of my sons friends came over my house. This friend is part of a group of boys that my son has known for about three years now. The mom of this boy informed me that her son had told her that the "group" of friends that my son has been hanging out with had offered him drugs in more than one occasion. Last semester my son was having some problems in school and we decided to put him in independent study. His grades started to improve and he felt much better at home. I was kind of relived because that meant he wouldn't see this group of skateboards friends that I always had a feeling that were trouble. So basically for the last 7 months he had very limited contact with them. Now that he went back to school all of a sudden this boys are his best friends and he wants to hang out with them .

The first thing is to tell my son that those boys aren't a good influence to him because of the drugs that I was told they were doing. My son didn't denied that he knew that they were doing drugs, but he assured me that he has never seen them taking them or that he has never taken them himself.

Today he asked me to drop him off at his friends house because he wanted to hang out with this group of friends to go skateboarding around the neighborhoods. Of course I told him no. He than calls my husband at work who tells him he can go with them if he "promises" he wont try any of that stuff.

So I go and drop my son at this boys house, upset that my son wont listen to me and mad at my husband for thinking that a promise is all he needs from my son to feel comfortable to let him hang out with this group of boys. I told my husband that I hold him responsible if my son gets in trouble with these boys because he is the one letting him go. He tells me that I should trust my son more that he will do the right thing and that he is smart enough to not do drugs.

I am very confused, as a mom I have this feeling that I should not let him hang out this boys outside of school. At the same time I want to show my son that I trust him to choose the right, that I have taught him well and that it's time that I send him out in the world. These boys are not lds. Should I trust and let go or should I listen to this little voice telling me that I should protect my son?

Rainofgold

Edited August 29, 2009 by RainofGold

[NeuroTypical]

You should solve your problems with your husband first. It doesn't matter what's best for your son, if you and son's father don't see it the same way.

Odds are, your son is lying to you and taking drugs. It's not necessarily the end of the world, but he's certainly not on the right path.

LM

[Palerider]

Toughest part of being a Parent.....teach your kids right and wrong and always have a prayer in your heart that when they walk out the door they will make good choices...

[Soulsearcher]

I'm not sure i agree with LM about your son lying. Is there a chance? Yes, but a little faith in your children isn't always a bad thing. If you doubt them too much and they have been walking the right path, knowing you don't trust them tends to make them wonder why they bothered. I know more than a few teen who hang out with friends who are into drugs and refuse to ever touch them cause they see it as a dead end.

If he's hanging out with them at school really your efforts to limit contact is rather pointless being they could be doing drug at school during breaks or lunch. Also the amount of control by a parent usually does nothing but backfire and drive them further away.

I helped raise 5 kids, three are now late teens and all said the same thing. When mom dad or the step parents got too involved and controlling they just started blocking out most of what they said and lived their own lives cause their parents just didn't listen and understand. If their parents had been "reasonable", and shown a little faith they would have talked to them more like they talked to me.

Teens make bad choices and will make mistakes, but so do parents, as pale said, teach them right and go from there.

[Islander]

I think we have to be extremely careful with our own history and how it taints our parenting style. If we had more or less disfunctional parents, even though we may be somewhat better we also have knowledge gaps in our parenting repertoire that we ignore.

Meaning, we may see a creek when in fact the Amazon is right in front of us. You CAN'T trust a 15 year old! That is why we must wait until much later to make sure they have enough information and emotional fortitude to deal with the world, and still... I could not trust myself at 15. That is what I tell my children.

Also, BOTH parents need to be in the same frequency. Kids are extremely skillful at playing both ends against the middle and creating a rift for their own advantage. The two parents need to discuss a strategy for those issues.

[FairChild]

I think first thing is you both need to be consistant and together on the rules you set. Set limits in place for him to visit with his friends. School grades have to be maintained, curfews maintained too. If he gets caught with drugs or using drugs, friends are gone. Just love him. He won't be this age forever.

[Carl62]

I don't know if I'd make a blanket statement that ALL 15 year olds can't be trusted. I started playing in bands when I was 14 and I was around kids of this caliber quite often, but because my parents taught me and showed me the example of not to smoke, drink or do drugs, it never became an issue with me during those years and trust me, I could have EASILY gone the other way but I CHOSE not to. At some point you are going to have to show him that you trust him, give him a little room to breathe and have faith that he'll make the right decisions and now is a good time at 15. It's like the song says, "hold on loosely but don't let go, if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control". I happen to agree with that. BUT, like Fairchild also said, once those privileges are broken, then some of the freedoms and rewards should end. At least do show him that you believe in him and that you're willing to show him that he can be trusted. If you do that, he might just go out of his way not to let you down.:) Good luck.

Edited August 29, 2009 by Carl62

[Palerider]

Another tidbit and this is hard.....Teaching your kids is not yelling and screaming.....teach as Christ would teach...

[mlbrowninwa]

Another tidbit and this is hard.....Teaching your kids is not yelling and screaming.....teach as Christ would teach...

Boy you have that right Pale, that is hard. To the OP, I know what you are going through. My son is about to turn 15 and has been in the skateboarding groups and landed in trouble and even tried the drugs(grass) a couple times that I know of. This group of "friends" landed him in trouble with the police and now he is on a kind of probation for youths until he is 18. One thing I can say is that my wife and I had to come to an agreement of how this was going to be handled. I am much stricter than she is and that was a challenge at first.

It has been about a year and a half since he has done anything that I know of. In that time he has been banned from seeing any of that old crew. One thing that I think helped with that was that when the police became involved, they all threw him under the bus. It was kind of hard for him to argue they were his friends. Since that time, he joined me in becoming a member of the LDS church and seems to really be trying to be a better person. I have slowly began to trust him again, but he still does things that makes me question him. Like tonight he posted on his facebook page a quiz about pot!!! Not really his best move and I made him delete it and we talked about choices and what they say about you. Some of the other youth in the ward commented on the quiz, more less echoing my thoughts.

Talk it over with your spouse and present a united front, and put some trust in him a bit at a time.

[RainofGold]

Boy you have that right Pale, that is hard. To the OP, I know what you are going through. My son is about to turn 15 and has been in the skateboarding groups and landed in trouble and even tried the drugs(grass) a couple times that I know of. This group of "friends" landed him in trouble with the police and now he is on a kind of probation for youths until he is 18. One thing I can say is that my wife and I had to come to an agreement of how this was going to be handled. I am much stricter than she is and that was a challenge at first.

It has been about a year and a half since he has done anything that I know of. In that time he has been banned from seeing any of that old crew. One thing that I think helped with that was that when the police became involved, they all threw him under the bus. It was kind of hard for him to argue they were his friends. Since that time, he joined me in becoming a member of the LDS church and seems to really be trying to be a better person. I have slowly began to trust him again, but he still does things that makes me question him. Like tonight he posted on his facebook page a quiz about pot!!! Not really his best move and I made him delete it and we talked about choices and what they say about you. Some of the other youth in the ward commented on the quiz, more less echoing my thoughts.

Talk it over with your spouse and present a united front, and put some trust in him a bit at a time.

mlbrowninwa

I had a long talk with my husband about our sons' choices and how we need to be in the same page, and he agreed with me. We talked to our son and told him that he couldn't hang out with them at the skate park during the week,but that they were welcome to come to the house. That when he does hang out with them in the weekend we need to know where he is at all times.

Today I talked to my bishop about my son, he has been his home teacher companion for the last few months. (which I'm grateful for). So now he knows what is going on in his life, he told me that when he starts seminary this week he'll probably start hanging out with the lds kids again.

I'm praying that my son can be a good example to his skateboarder friends and that he can start making different choices now that school started.

Thank you for your advice I hope that your son can stay on the right path.

I am so glad that your son decided to join the church with you.

Rain

[Guest Alana]

It is possible to hang out with pot heads and not be one of them. When I was 14-15 all my neighbors smoked and drank, and I'd been offered pot and other things hundreds of times, but I never gave in. Is that to say that this is a good situation? Not really. I was very conscientious of if they were influencing me or the other way around. I still had my good LDS friends, but they weren't in the same neighborhood.

Kids make their own choices much earlier than 15. Drugs and sex are very prevalent even in junior high. I don't think this means we should shelter them every moment but are there situations that need to be avoided even if we don't completely understand why other than the spirit is whispering 'danger'? Absolutely. Best of luck with you and your family, sounds like you already have a good dialog going with your son, keep it up. Him skating with friends be a dangerous situation, or it might not be any worse than going to school, good thing he has good parents who love him and are trying to do what's best:)

[Guest ThisisJames]

Here's how to handle business;

Smack your son upside his head, and make him do as you tell him.

Followed by spinning around and using the hard edge of your palm to strike the bridge of your husband's nose if he has anything to say about it.

Problem solved.

Neither of them will fuck about after that.