Awful situation.

[amtrak]

I'm not sure how to start this, but I thought other LDS folks would probably understand this the best, and perhaps offer some advice.

So I am in college and met a girl a few months ago (LDS as well).

We met at a dance, and she was an amazing, and intelligent person from the start.

Now, I'm a convert, 19 years old ( I am not going on a mission due to other reasons including my family, etc) , and she is 18.

We got pretty serious, very fast, and I did learn quite quickly that she did have an ex-boyfriend who had recently left on his mission and was at the MTC.

I've been in relationships up to about 9 months and I know how the love and caring works, and I know that 2 years would be pretty insane.

I knew she still had some feelings for this guy because of that, but regardless I knew also that she was an amazing person who deserved so much better then him.

He cheated on her, and they also did not exactly follow the law of chastity during their relationship.

She however has repented for all of this.

He on the other hand, comes from a very strong LDS family (from what I hear).

A few nights ago, she got a call from him...

He had been released from the MTC after admitting to not repenting for his past sins.

Her family did know what they had done (as she repented, etc.) , but his did NOT.

So anyway, after she found out he was back she has been an emotional wreck.

Now me, like an idiot, thought that this was because she wanted to get back with him.

Instead, it is really because she feels it is entirely her fault completely for having sex with him while he was preparing for a mission.

So like an idiot on my part, I told her HIM OR ME because I started feeling the jealousy thinking she just wanted to dump me.

I wasn't really right, and now she is a wreck , we are not really together.

So now, his family, even part of her family, etc. is BLAMING HER entirely for this!

The guys mom told her today that if he didn't go back on his mission in a year, it would be her fault.

In my opinion, this is AWFUL!!!

I almost threw up when I heard they were trying to push this type of guilt on her.

It makes me just sick.

Yes, she sinned and it was bad.

But it was just as much his if not more and now she is basically being pushed to like marry him or something because she thinks that everything is her fault and she's terrible!!

I finally got to talking to her on txt a tiny bit tonight, and I can tell she feels awful and I feel terrible for at first putting my feelings ahead of hers when I realize how much this has affected her.

So please -- how on earth can I comfort her, and perhaps still be with her??

I know what a good person she is, and how much I truly care for her and love her.

I'd love to here what you would do in this situation.

Thank you kindly.

[Islander]

I'm not sure how to start this, but I thought other LDS folks would probably understand this the best, and perhaps offer some advice.

So I am in college and met a girl a few months ago (LDS as well).

We met at a dance, and she was an amazing, and intelligent person from the start.

Now, I'm a convert, 19 years old ( I am not going on a mission due to other reasons including my family, etc) , and she is 18.

We got pretty serious, very fast, and I did learn quite quickly that she did have an ex-boyfriend who had recently left on his mission and was at the MTC.

I've been in relationships up to about 9 months and I know how the love and caring works, and I know that 2 years would be pretty insane.

I knew she still had some feelings for this guy because of that, but regardless I knew also that she was an amazing person who deserved so much better then him.

He cheated on her, and they also did not exactly follow the law of chastity during their relationship.

She however has repented for all of this.

He on the other hand, comes from a very strong LDS family (from what I hear).

A few nights ago, she got a call from him...

He had been released from the MTC after admitting to not repenting for his past sins.

Her family did know what they had done (as she repented, etc.) , but his did NOT.

So anyway, after she found out he was back she has been an emotional wreck.

Now me, like an idiot, thought that this was because she wanted to get back with him.

Instead, it is really because she feels it is entirely her fault completely for having sex with him while he was preparing for a mission.

So like an idiot on my part, I told her HIM OR ME because I started feeling the jealousy thinking she just wanted to dump me.

I wasn't really right, and now she is a wreck , we are not really together.

So now, his family, even part of her family, etc. is BLAMING HER entirely for this!

The guys mom told her today that if he didn't go back on his mission in a year, it would be her fault.

In my opinion, this is AWFUL!!!

I almost threw up when I heard they were trying to push this type of guilt on her.

It makes me just sick.

Yes, she sinned and it was bad.

But it was just as much his if not more and now she is basically being pushed to like marry him or something because she thinks that everything is her fault and she's terrible!!

I finally got to talking to her on txt a tiny bit tonight, and I can tell she feels awful and I feel terrible for at first putting my feelings ahead of hers when I realize how much this has affected her.

So please -- how on earth can I comfort her, and perhaps still be with her??

I know what a good person she is, and how much I truly care for her and love her.

I'd love to here what you would do in this situation.

Thank you kindly.

The situation you describe is not unique. Your interpretation of the vents or even the understanding of it may be limited and quite possibly flawed, however. Thigs are always a bit more complex than they seem. You have no way of knowing what she actually told the Bishop or her family and his family in regards to their transgression.

At issue here are 1. your emotional attachment to her in such a very short time and your limited insight into how complicated and profound sexual behavior is in adolescence. And 2. the impact the above issue is having on the families involved.

The wisest and more pragmatic choice would be to create some distance between you and her for now, at least, until things stabilize and you can be sure of who feel what about whom which currently is not the case. You seem to ignore the seriousness of the issues and seem more concerned about how she feels. I can understand you being a convert and believing that the issued was settled and done and that repentance is a very straight forward process. You will be surprised to discover how far from the truth that is.

Obviously she is emotionally frail and you have a very limited insight into the situation or how to handle it. It is best if you remain friends for a while until you, both, sort things out. Dating seriously has the built in expectation of marriage and you are certainly not ready for it. Pull back, re-evaluate the situation from a distance, wait a little and see what happens.

[skippy740]

Amazon.com: Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives (9780060929442): Laura Schlessinger: Books

There is simply TOO MUCH BAGGAGE in those relationships right now... and YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT!

You are wanting to be the "knight in shining armor" to help the "poor damsel in distress".

She made choices and he (the recently-released) did as well and they are BOTH feeling the pressure and strain of it.

YOU CANNOT MAKE IT BETTER. You will only become TRAPPED within all those strained relationships... and is that really fair to you either?

You are NOT at fault for this guy's mother. You cannot FIX this. And you'll simply be the shoulder to cry on and will this really build a solid relationship that you want?

Yes, it's an awful situation... but I suggest that if you had some ideas of romance or a future with this girl... that it won't be happening anytime soon.

Just because she's repented doesn't mean she's done with all the consequences yet.

Sorry, but I'll probably be the more "blunt" response here. Be friends, but don't expect ANYTHING more than that.

And make sure that you really are her friend by not complicating her emotional life with your own desires/expectations from her for a relationship.

Edited November 15, 2009 by skippy740

[amtrak]

Thanks for the answers so far.. keep em coming!

Yes, the baggage, emotions, etc. are HUGE and it's true I can't expect anytime of relaxed serious relationship in the near near future.

I really wish this wasn't so much getting to me.

I really wish I could just get over her, but I can't.

I know we have something, and I do want to be there for her... I just want to know how I can be there for her and pray something becomes of it.

Edit: And for myself, if I do try to wait for her for 6 months, and it doesn't somehow work out, I'd be even more crushed.

I think I have to though.

I just wish she could either go with him or something or we could work it out fast.

Life is never easy it seems.

Edited November 15, 2009 by amtrak

[Bini]

To me, this sounds like very young love, with much to learn from both and all parties. I think becoming involved anymore than just being a friend would be a foolish mistake. You cannot carry the burdens of other people's problems. So be supportive as a friend but don't try to be a lover. This girl may have repented but she definitely is feeling some inner turmoil for whatever reason and that is not something you can save her from.

So anyway, after she found out he was back she has been an emotional wreck.

Now me, like an idiot, thought that this was because she wanted to get back with him.

Instead, it is really because she feels it is entirely her fault completely for having sex with him while he was preparing for a mission.

So like an idiot on my part, I told her HIM OR ME because I started feeling the jealousy thinking she just wanted to dump me.

I wasn't really right, and now she is a wreck , we are not really together.

And don't be too sure. I was an 18 year old girl once and many times our emotions are out of control and we don't know what we want. Not saying this is the case but it isn't out of the question that she's reflecting back on this old flame. So that's why I'm saying stick with being a good friend and forget about being a boyfriend.

[skippy740]

Life is never easy it seems.

You're 19. Welcome to life.

[john doe]

As Skippy said, you're 19. It's not the end of the world, she's not the only person in the world whom you might feel a connection to. Give her room, let her sort things out, if you are still available when or if she becomes available again, then you can continue. But for now it is time for you to be her friend, not her potential boyfriend. She already has enough problems on her plate to deal with without you trying to get all romantic and moony-eyed over her. Go find another girls with high standards and you will surprise yourself how many good marriageable women there are out there who have dealt with their issues and are ready for a relationship.

[ryanh]

Whether or not you will consider a future relationship with her, it seems to me it would be a good and right move to apologize. Just a simple 'sorry for doing what I did saying him or me'. We can all use friends that hear and support us, and care enough about our feelings to say sorry when we misstep.

[StallionMcBeastly]

Dude, I bet if you continue to pursue a relationship with her this will ALWAYS cause problems. In my opinion, it's not worth it to deal with all of this garbage. I know it's hard to think of it that way, cause you have strong feelings for her, but have you ever walked onto a BYU campus? Ladies are everywhere! You sound like a smart guy, I guarantee you could find some girls just as awesome with less crazy emotional issues going on! Think about it!

[amtrak]

Yeah I know Stallion, I agree with you 100%.

I've felt like this about one other girl, and I know that as much as I want to forget about this (new) girl, I can't.

I wish I could. But sometimes you just have to try. I don't want to someday wonder "what if".

[FairChild]

Remind her that the dude has free will and is perfectly able to make choices all by himself. He did make choices. Right or wrong he was the one accountable for the choices he made. If he was not able to make choices because of mental defects or mental illness, he should have not been on a mission in the first place. For his mother to blame her for his choices was wrong and completely out of place. When she did so, she was denying that her son has his own free will to choose any path that he desires to follow.

She has done many right things. Repentance being of the greatest choices of all.

Have her come into chat and talk with me. I would enjoy chatting with my Relief Society Sister. She is an amazing and strong woman even though she may not feel like that at this time.

Amtrak, enjoy your friendship with this lovely sister. Take time. She is hurt right now and needs to heal. Right now she is stretching and growing and that is never easy. She will be ok. Remember you can not rescue her, however the greatest gifts you can give her are a listening ear, compassion, friendship and a strong testamony of the gospel.

I wish you both well.

P.S. if you wish to print out what I said and share it with her, do so with my blessing.

[skippy740]

Yeah I know Stallion, I agree with you 100%.

I've felt like this about one other girl, and I know that as much as I want to forget about this (new) girl, I can't.

I wish I could. But sometimes you just have to try. I don't want to someday wonder "what if".

The only way you'll get out of that "what if" scenario is if you never have a tomorrow to look back on yesterday!

You will ALWAYS wonder "what if..." "What if I didn't leave that job to start my business?" "What if I didn't marry her?" "What if I didn't join the church?"

You need TIME. You don't need to forget about her. You need to forget about a serious relationship with the determination if she is someone to possibly marry - AT THIS TIME.

You're 19 and she's only 18. (Psst... do you know how many girls at 18 don't have a CLUE about what they want and who they are? She will (most likely) need some growing up too.)

[amtrak]

Skippy.. true I suppose.

And FairChild thank you .. that was very motivational and I'm glad you agree that it's despicable for this family to treat her this way. I just pray for her to release these feelings of guilt!

I will share this with her if I can talk to her... so hard.

[Just_A_Guy]

I don't think you're being told the entire story here, Amtrak. Not if she claims she's being pushed to marry the guy while simultaneously being told it'll be her fault if he doesn't get back out to the mission field.

To be blunt: the "him or me" bit was unfair on your part. Go back to her; apologize; be supportive; and proceed with caution.

[amtrak]

She wont even respond to my messages now.

I'm so discouraged.

Why wont she respond / talk to me??

[john doe]

Because you're smothering her.

[amtrak]

Not really. I've barely sent her any messages today and after she didn't respond for 4 hours I said to please tell me you're okay and she said "ya im okay" that's it.

[john doe]

When you freak out after not hearing from someone for 4 hours, yeah, you're smothering them. You're background noise, she has bigger issues than worrying about a relationship with you. Back off and let her sort it out without you pushing her into a decision she is ill-equipped to handle.

[amtrak]

I suppose you're really right.

I just can't stand the anxiety.

I don't want to move on, and it's so painful in the meantime.

He does not want to go back on a mission either I just learned, so now she is really feeling awful.

What a nightmare for all.

So should I just not contact her at all unless she contacts me or?

[Just_A_Guy]

Wow. I remember being engaged and going for days (plural) without communicating with my fiancee; and we both thought it was completely normal.

How times have changed! :)

[OneEternalSonata]

Remember, my friend, that dating (and marriage to a greater extent) is about learning to put your partner's needs and wants before your own. She needs to cope with this so she isn't burdened down with it forever. Honestly, although you want to be with her, do you truly feel this is what she currently needs? Evaluating yourself candidly seems to be in order. You could take emotional inventory with questions like:

How well do you know her? (Sounds like she doesn't completely know herself.)

Are your expectations higher than they should be? (As in, are you thinking too far ahead when your foundation isn't firmly built.)

Are your actions drawing her nearer to the Savior?

Would He approve of your courtship practices?

(I'm not intending to judge you, in fact, I relate. I've made relationship blunders, too.)

Edited November 16, 2009 by OneEternalSonata

[amtrak]

Haha, yep! Casual communication with txting is so easy.

The sad thing is their is a lack of emotion in it. So it's good and bad.

Well I had a nice talk with her tonight that started out kinda serious about stuff then we started talking a lot more normal about normal stuff just without the romantic element to it but I could tell we were both holding back. It was more then a friendly conversation.

I want to forget about her but can't. I feel like I'm 16 again in stupid puppy love but I think it's more then that.

I guess I'll ride it out.

I'm going back for Thanksgiving soon, so I hope I see her before then as well..

Any more tips is very much appreciated.

This forum is a great utility!!!

[rameumptom]

I hope the young man does not go back out on a mission with the attitude that it is the girl's fault they had sex. Each individual must be responsible for his/her own sins and choices.

Amtrak, just let the girl know that you over reacted, and that you will be there for her, to be her friend and assist her through the tough times. Do not judge nor attack the other guy, but just be there to let her know that this isn't her fault. She's repented of her sin, and the young man needs to be responsible for his own actions. No one forced him to have sex. No one forced him to leave on his mission without first confessing and repenting of this sin.

She has repented. That means that God has forgiven her, and so has the Church. She needs to move on. And if the other family has issues, that is something they must deal with, not her. If they are openly attacking her, have her discuss it with the bishop (if in the same ward), or with the stake president (if in the same stake), and let the leaders talk it over with the family.

There is only one thing worse than a person sinning: blaming the sin on someone else. In this instance, the person can never fully repent, because the person never takes full responsibility for the sin.

[Islander]

I suppose you're really right.

I just can't stand the anxiety.

I don't want to move on, and it's so painful in the meantime.

He does not want to go back on a mission either I just learned, so now she is really feeling awful.

What a nightmare for all.

So should I just not contact her at all unless she contacts me or?

You are obviously not ready for a relationship. You need to get some coaching with a male therapist and do some reading in order to address your own emotional deficits. The way in which you are handling this leads me to belief you have some growing up to do.

Again, cope with your anxiety by being PRODUCTIVE: Volunteer, go to the gym, ride your bike, do service, something, whatever and let this girl deal with her issues on her own. You seem to be getting in her way at the moment.

[amtrak]

I get it...And you're very right I agree about coping with anxiety.

And yes, I have spoken with a therapist before.

I do want to see her, so perhaps I will ask her to stop by today or so before I go back home for Thanksgiving just to have a nice friendly conversation? We've been talking more and it's much more like usual now...

Edited November 16, 2009 by amtrak