Unwed Mothers

[TXRed]

This discussion got started on another post along with a couple of other related topics. I thought I would give my own personal opinion here to get the discussion separated.

This particular subject is extremely volatile and brings out a lot of emotions in a lot of people. My own feelings on the subject have "evolved" over the years as I've gotten older, experienced more, and seen more.

Basically, my stance on the subject at this particular time in my life is that it is a decision that only the ones directly involved in the situation can make. They are the ones that have to live with their decision. And, by directly involved, I mean the couple who created the pregnancy and the parents of the couple if they are not adults (or if they are living with and being supported by their parents). If the couple are adults living on their own. . . . . . .. . . . NO ONE else has a right to be part of the decision.

Other people can give their opinions if they so desire or if they are asked, but that is as far as their involvement should go. Giving your opinion on a subject does not give you the right to try to FORCE that opinion on someone else or the right to insist that they embrace your advice.

Now, here are some of my own personal feelings about whether a child of unwed parents should be put up for adoption or not:

In my own personal opinion</span>:

There is no absolute ONE RIGHT WAY to handle the situation of an unwed pregnancy.

Each situation needs to be dealt with prayerfully by the people involved which, as I stated above, is the unwed parents and possibly the grandparents depending on the circumstances.

No one should ever be made to feel that they are being FORCED into a decision that they are not comfortable with. The unwed parents are the ones who have to live their lives with whatever decision they make. Yes, those decisions do affect other people, too, but the biggest affect is on them.

To heck with this parental shame stuff. Yes, sometimes, it is difficult to deal with decisions that our children make. Yes, I am ashamed to tell people about some of the decisions that my own children have made, but the truth is that I have to get over that. My children have made some unwise choices that I am definitely not happy about, but it was their choice. I certainly did not force them to make those choices. . . . . . . if I knew about the choices prior to their making them, I told them they were not wise choices. I don't have to feel shame, because I did not do anything wrong.

I raised my children the best that I could, and they are basically very good people that I am extremely proud of. So; that is the way I need to act at all times. I have to behave in a manner that let's other people know that I am pleased with the children I've raised. I don't have to like all of their choices, but I have to respect the fact that their choices (and their mistakes) are theirs to make just like I have made mine. (both choices and mistakes)

If we are ever to be worthy to live in the presence of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we are going to have to learn to LOVE more, FORGIVE more, and judge NOT.

I swear I'm working on it. I sure as heck have not reached my goal, but I hope the Lord leaves me here long enough to get a little closer to it.

Peace,

TXRed

[Guest Member_Deleted]

I agree with most everything you have said.

I have known both women who kept their babies and those who gave them away.

The girls who kept were just as emotionally traumatized as those who gave them away... because they were socially limited yet educationally driven... or... just went slum...

There was not really a good outcome for any of the 5 women I knew of personally.

[dontagreeljefe]

This was kind of interesting. i was at a 5th sunday meeting in a singles ward and they had people from social services there talking about the pro;s and cons of keeping babies and what social services do. It was in a singles ward so they then said some of you will be infertile and said you would want to have a baby came close to say ing you hope someone messes up.

The church seems to encourage it for the sake of the children because they can get sealed to a mother and father but not an unwed mother. Can there step dad though. If marriage is not possible. And i have seen some undesirable marriages. And irresponsible sperm donors that did not get married and tried to avoid paying child support.

I have a cousin got a 14 year old pregnant pregnant put the baby up for adoption. Still didn't learn there lesson got her pregnant at 15 again bishop said you better get married. It lasted a short time and kid is confused about who parents are. Right now is almost 4. Parents divorced and remarried other people.

President Kimball railed on men an particularly parents whose son got a girl pregnant then walked away from them. He said why did you get pregnant.

Shotgun weddings are not the best. But I seen many work. Prevention of course is much better. But when pregnancy is the result of a sin marriage is usually the best option and adoption next best. though some people keep there babies. It is very difficult for them though. Besides what they go through having to explain the child to dates and struggle through school.

I wonder too if sometimes people that do eventually get sealed after making mistakes are somewhat made heroes. Hopefully people will realize and believe preventance is better than repentance. Unfortuntly that does not happen for everyone. And fortunatly there is a great miracle of forgiveness.

[Guest bizabra]

I was an unwed mother at age 17. I kept my baby, my parents were very supportive, the ward rallied behind me. It was hard, but I finished high school, went to college, got married, had another child, was divorced about 10 years later, got a good job based on my college experience, raised my kids WITH the help of my ex, who is a good guy and whom I have remained good friends with. I have NEVER regretted keeping my son, who turned out just fine. He is married, with 3 kids. I had a daughter with my ex, she is a wonderful person. I love them all to death and would not change ANYTHING about how my life has turned out. I am now married to a great guy, and my kids are my BEST friends. We are very close and very much a big part of each other's lives.

There are always pitfalls and misteps in life. There are no failures if one learns and grows. There is no ONE RIGHT WAY to raise children or be a FAMILY. Children can be raised lovingly and well in family configurations that are NOT composed of one father-one mother. Life is hard for everyone in some way or other, and challenges abound no matter what. You take what life dishes out and live with the consequences of each and every choice you make. Some consequences are good, some bad, it all depends. In my case, it was hard to have such a big responsibility at such a young age, but it also taught me a LOT about life and love and being a decent person. I would not go back and do it over differently. I like the person I have become, and I became the person I am because of the life I have led and how I have responded to the choices I have made.

No one should EVER force a young mother to do one thing or the other. But she should definitely take the responsibility for her choices and make the best lemonade she can from the lemons she chose. My choices turned out to be for the best, even if at the time having a son at that young age made it a little harder for me than it would have been otherwise. The best thing I ever did was to "sin" and have a baby at 17.

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Originally posted by bizabra@Nov 12 2005, 11:57 AM

I was an unwed mother at age 17.  I kept my baby, my parents were very supportive, the ward rallied behind me. It was hard, but I finished high school, went to college, got married, had another child, was divorced about 10 years later, got a good job based on my college experience, raised my kids WITH the help of my ex, who is a good guy and whom I have remained good friends with.  I have NEVER regretted keeping my son, who turned out just fine. He is married, with 3 kids.  I had a daughter with my ex, she is a wonderful person.  I love them all to death and would not change ANYTHING about how my life has turned out.  I am now married to a great guy, and my kids are my BEST friends.  We are very close and very much a big part of each other's lives. 

There are always pitfalls and misteps in life.  There are no failures if one learns and grows.  There is no ONE RIGHT WAY to raise children or be a FAMILY.  Children can be raised lovingly and well in family configurations that are NOT composed of one father-one mother.  Life is hard for everyone in some way or other, and challenges abound no matter what.  You take what life dishes out and live with the consequences of each and every choice you make.  Some consequences are good, some bad, it all depends.  In my case, it was hard to have such a big responsibility at such a young age, but it also taught me a LOT about life and love and being a decent person.  I would not go back and do it over differently.  I like the person I have become, and I became the person I am because of the life I have led and how I have responded to the choices I have made. 

No one should EVER force a young mother to do one thing or the other.  But she should definitely take the responsibility for her choices and make the best lemonade she can from the lemons she chose.  My choices turned out to be for the best, even if at the time having a son at that young age made it a little harder for me than it would have been otherwise.  The best thing I ever did was to "sin" and have a baby at 17.

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I applaud your good fortune. I know it has been hard and you have been strong.

I also know that many don't come even close to what you have accomplished... and the children suffer. One of the women I know lives in the trailor court behind me....

She kept her son and lived off of welfare... her parents supported her as well... but she lives in a slum of stacks and stacks of magazines and filth in her trailor... she weighs nearly 3 hundred pounds... and never married....

When her son became a teen and found out he was illigitamate... he went haywire... and started treating her like garbage... yelling and screaming at the local junior high how his mom was a slut and a Btch... and a lot of other too horrible of things to say here....

He became hard and her life, which was already very dismal... became even more hel-lish......

She is just a few years younger than me now, and her son is finally grown and out of her house... but he won't have anything to do with her... she lost him in the end...

So I think it is wonderful you have had a great experience... but it isn't as common as the one I have experienced very close to my house.

That is just one... I also did foster care for new borns for the LDS children services... those babies were well cared for and the families chosen... well... my MIA teacher was one who received one of these babies... and she was one of the finest people I know...

Just recently our RSP's counselor received her third baby from this organization... another wonderful women... and great family....

I would rather have been put in their homes... than in my trailor court neighbors home... if I were the baby...

[Guest bizabra]

The situation you describe could happen even if the woman had married and the children were legitimate. Bad and lazy people abound, unfortunately.

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Originally posted by bizabra@Nov 12 2005, 12:13 PM

The situation you describe could happen even if the woman had married and the children were legitimate.  Bad and lazy people abound, unfortunately.

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You add the extra burden of the situation and you can push otherwise productive people into such a low level... we act out how we feel about ourselves...

[DisRuptive1]

I don't see how making another mistake (marriage) will fix the first one (the supposed sin of failed birth control). Marriage is supposed to be about love; love first! If it is used for any other primary purpose it sort of brings the whole sacredness of marriage (if it ever was) down.

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Originally posted by DisRuptive1@Nov 12 2005, 04:42 PM

I don't see how making another mistake (marriage) will fix the first one (the supposed sin of failed birth control).  Marriage is supposed to be about love; love first!  If it is used for any other primary purpose it sort of brings the whole sacredness of marriage (if it ever was) down.

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That was a great piece of wisdom Dis. The best I have ever heard from you.

[Traveler]

Interesting to also note that from 1960 poverty went from mostly rural elderly to intercity children by 2000. Most of the poverty in this country comes from single parents having children. Also interesting to note most criminal activity comes from this same segment. Crime and poverty are two reasons that society "Must" take a different stand on single parents.

I realize that there are always exceptions - but that is no reason for society to not consider changing social pressures to be applied to reverse this trend. Children are better off with two loving and caring parents - specifically a loving father example and a loving mother example. I am convinced there is nothing better for children. And I believe in giving to children what is best - not what is best given bad circumstances.

The Traveler