How to be a good motherly figure to a child without one?


JudoMinja
 Share

Recommended Posts

I am living with my parents right now, and my older brother is as well. We are both going through divorces. My brother has two boys- a one year old and a four year old (and he has custody so they are living here too). For a while, the four year old had the worst behavior. He was as bad or worse than the kids you see SuperNanny coming to help with.

The moment I came home, I tried to step up to the plate and get him shaped up. I met resistance around every corner.

My father doesn't do anything unless things get too out of hand for him, because he feels he shouldn't have to as they aren't his kids and aren't his responsibility. While I understand this viewpoint, it means he ignores things they do wrong right in front of him until he's just fed up.

My mother doesn't do anything because she simply can't handle being "the bad guy". She hates doing anything of a disciplinary sort and will instead give in to keep the peace. She lets the boys walk all over her and only gets forceful when they've ground her last nerve.

My brother (their father) acts more like a big brother to them than a dad. He only interacts with them on his time and his terms and otherwise ignores them becuase he has other things to do. His idea of discipline is to spank them when they are naughty and thats it- he doesn't use it as a tool to teach them at all.

Their mother is neglectful when she spends time with them. She lets them get away with whatever they want, doesn't feed them properly (they always come back starving), doesn't dress them for the weather (her mother complained that she lets them go outside without coats in the dead of winter), and they often come back to us sick as well.

Since I've been back, their behavior has improved wonderfully, despite this resistance. I know there's only so much I can do when their lives are riddled with so much inconsistency, and I think their behavior is at the best it is going to get.

At first, I couldn't stand them and I took on the discipline for the sake of making them more tolerable and preventing them from beating up on my own son once he starts walking. Now, I'm starting to love them.

I'm seeing the pain they are going through without good loving parental role models. There was one instance where I was up with the four year old, putting him to bed for the night and he burst into tears because his daddy wasn't home. His father works late and usually doesn't get home until he's asleep, but the night before he just never came home and never came home throughout the next day either. I had always told him that his father would be home while he was sleeping and he'd see him in the morning. I knew he needed that security, and when my brother didn't come home the night before he lost that.

Another instance- their mother was coming to church for a while and taking them to spend time with her afterwards. Recently she just stopped coming. The one year old was crying for a couple hours when we got home from church saying "Mama". Then, last week, we saw her truck at Bush's Chicken after church and the four year old said "She should have been at church".

When talking about this with my counselor, she suggested that while I of course cannot be or replace their mom, I can give them the unconditional motherly love and be the steady supportive figure in their life. I do love them, and I want to be there for them, to teach them, guide them and have fun with them. And I'm finding it all a little daunting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're a good lady! Love them; show them love while you teach them how to love. Seems they are in the middle of a chaos.

Your father needs to recognize that they are in his house. He needs to set down some house rules for his grandkids and his son. Some things cannot be allowed in the house. Disrespect is the first that comes to mind. They disrespect grandma and grandpa when they don’t do as they are asked. Your brother disrespects them when he doesn’t come home at night and doesn’t check in. My girls are young adults and they know, my house, my rules. When they have a home of their own they can set their rules and I will respect those rules or I will not be there.

If you love those kids and are there for them, be their “rock” during tough times, and the rewards will follow. That you see what is needed, and that you are there (as unfortunate as the circumstances are) is a blessing for the kids and a sign of your strength and abilities!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree, you all need to get together and have a meeting on house rules. They should be followed by all people (especially children) in the house. Would be good if there are chores as well as rewards for good behavior. You can't do everything, but you are doing something. A very important something. You are teaching these children that they have value and are loved. If I haven't mentioned it, you are an awesome person doing an extra ordinary job.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You all need to get together and have a meeting on house rules.

I've already tried that. I made the suggestion to my mom during the day when she and I were the only ones home. She flipped out. She took the suggestion very offensively and thought I was implying that she was doing a lousy job as a mother and grandmother. She basically implied that if I didn't keep things at the status quo I was calling her a failure.

She then went on to say it would be pointless anyway, because no matter what we did they wouldn't have any consistancy as their parents (my brother and his ex) wouldn't follow along with anything we did.

So, I gave up on trying to get everybody together and on the same page. Instead, I just do the best I can on my own.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry this is happening. You are doing an awesome, difficult job. What you are doing will make a differrence to these children for their entire life. As they grow and change, they will affect everyone they come into contact with, so you have no real way to measure the entire number of people your choices will influence. I want only the best for your family. FC

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're a good aunt. Be their rock, and hopefully the dad will get his act together before they lose all respect for him. Children oddly enough like rules, so I recommend sitting down with the little ones and make a list of house rules for them and you, with appropriate rewards and punishments. Hopefully when the adults see the kids behaving it will make them want to participate. My daughter benefits from 5 aunts and I love the relationships they share.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share