Ward advice

[LuckOfTheIrish]

I'm a recent convert. My wife and I moved into a new ward in a town neighboring our old one. The ward seems very cold and distant and there are not very many young couples. All of our prior wards were very big with plenty of young couples and they were very welcoming to anyone. We got a calling to run the nursery. We both accepted. At the timewe accepted, we had a 10 month old son and my wife was pregnant. We watched an average of 7-9 kids on Sunday for 2 hours. To add to this, my wife had pregnancy problems during her last pregnancy (pains, premature labor, thyroid) and my son is very attached to me so I have to hold him a lot. Also, I work night shift in law enforcement and on Sundays I have to pull a 24-30 hour day. I also attend college full time.

It was my impression that nursery was given to newly married couples with no kids, as this was what happened in other wards. Despite our reservations we took on the role with no complaints. 3 months into it we had nothing but problems. My son has a weak immune system and became very ill with H1N1, RSV, and multiple colds and ear infections which required 2 E.R. visits. My wife is constantly in pain and faitgued. We approached the Bishop and politely requested to be released and explained all of the baove to him. He seemed to understand and gave us a "solid" promise that in 2 weeks there would be new nursery leaders. That was 4 months ago. We approached him again, with a polite attitude, and simply reminded him we needed to be released as my son was always getting sick and my wife is due in 2 months and was already contracting. His reply was that "they forgot about us". He left us with a promise that the next Sunday there WOULD be a replacement.

Next Sunday approaches and we didn't get released. We went into the nursery and asked some of the parents who the new leaders were and they looked at us like they were confused. My son was sick again, and my wife was having contractions. I went to the Bishop again hoping it was just a misunderstanding and he told me that "they found one leader but were waiting on the records of another, so it would be awhile." I'm a very patient man and I respect church authority as a new convert, but I do not like to be lied to multiple times. I approached him again and told him that we quit. I told him I don't like to be lied to and that it's dangerous to have a young baby in nursery and a pregnant wife who is contracting. He wouldn't look me in the eye and kept making excuses. I don't understand this behavior because all he would have to do is get a sub for a few weeks or just step up and find someone else.

My wife and I did our calling faithfully and never complained. the average nursery term is 6 months for married couples. I am still enraged over the way we were treated and have no intentions of going back. We will be attending our old ward.

As a new ocnvert I don't understand this behavior and wonder how to deal with it... Has anyone had this kind of experience? One thing I'm getting used to about the LDS church are all the boundaries. You can only attend one ward depending on where you live, and you fall under the leadership of only one bishop, good or bad. I was raised protestant and you could go to any church in the country and get the same leadership.

I have no doubt this church is true and it has impacted my life in many great ways like forcing me to quit drinking and smoking, blessing me with an amazing wife and son, and making me more responsible. However, I'm still a man and feel extremely offended by the way my wife and I were taken advantage of. Do I stick with the ward or can I move to another one? If I do move, how do I pay tithing, etc? Thanks!

[Guest]

Ayayay. Yes, this does occur in wards.

First thing - you need to go to your Primary President, not your Bishop. The Bishop cannot do anything until the Primary President recommends somebody. This might be what is occurring. The Bishop, can only approve/make suggestions. The Primary Presidency is responsible for calling somebody to nursery (nursery is under the Primary program). The Primary Presidency is also responsible for coordinating substitute teachers. But, at the same time, you can just arrange 2 people in the ward to substitute for you and your wife for the next X Sundays and submit the names to the Primary Presidency and that's it.

It's really as easy as that.

Being a new convert, wards and stakes can be a very different "feel" to it. I used to be Catholic where I can go to any mass anywhere around town, even go on a Saturday so I can go to the beach on Sunday. There is a divine purpose to wards. God's house is a house of order. Establishing wards make it possible for home teachers, visiting teachers, and church callings to be performed. Also, your bishop is not just responsible for LDS members within ward boundaries. He is responsible for EVERYBODY within ward boundaries, member or not. If there were no wards, it would be very difficult to get fellowship going.

I know it is difficult, especially if your ward is not "suited" to your family. I've experienced this before. But, I promise you, if you seek to gain a testimony of ward family, you will get it. And these hurdles will all become very small in the big picture.

Stick to your ward, give them another chance. Love them and care for them. Don't worry if they seem to give you a cold shoulder - they all have their own issues to overcome. Take it one problem at a time using the suggestion I gave you on how to get nursery substitute. And remember, your Bishop is just as human. He has a family and a job and only 24 hours in a day as well. Being a bishop is tough and you don't even get paid for your efforts. So, forgive him too.

Edited February 2, 2010 by anatess

[JudoMinja]

As far as the logistics problem goes, it sounds like a simple misunderstanding to me, and anatess's advice is very good. There is a "chain of command" so to speak in callings. The reason you had delays is because you did not follow that chain of command, not because you were lied to. Since you did not know how things work, it understandable that your first instinct was to report to your Bishop. However, things would have happened faster if you had reported to the Primary presidency first. Also, if you need a sub to take your place, it is perfectly acceptable for you to call in a sub yourself, and if you don't the Primary president will find one for you.

As far as the Bishop's behavior goes- it sounds to me like you got very confrontational with him and he was simply avoiding the confrontation. The Bishop cannot be expected to know EVERYTHING that is going on in the ward at every moment. I'm sure he's doing the best he can, and he's probably feeling very overwhelmed. He has a lot of responsibility, and remember that he is in a volunteer position just like you. He accepted his calling of his own free will and is doing it out of the goodness of his heart, just like you with the nursery.

If the health concerns for your wife and child are making it so that you cannot continue in your calling, it is perfectly reasonable that you request to be removed from the calling. Things like that happen all the time, and I am sure the Bishop was understanding. I think he probably just got scared of the way you approached him after things did not happen as quickly as you thought they would.

In my ward, people are moving in and out of callings all the time as we live by a military base. There are always delays in releases and new callings. Sometimes, people have already moved away before they are officially released, and it is sometimes difficult to find replacements.

I do not think you were purposely overlooked or mistreated. People do not always understand all the hardships we are going through or our abilities to fulfill particular callings. Now that they are aware though, they should do their best to put you and your wife in callings that will accomodate your concerns.

Remember too, that callings are given for our own spiritual growth. It sounds to me like there is something to be learned from this experience. Even if the lesson you learned is as simple as- when things are getting too rough all I have to do is find someone to sub, and if I can't even do that I can just call the Primary president to let her know whats going on and she'll find one for me.

[LuckOfTheIrish]

When we set up the first meeting, everyone was involved: Bishop, first and second counselor, and primary president. My wife has been a member many years and she reminded me not to overlook that. I'm not a person to seek retribution or harbor grudges. I would feel much more comfortable in our old ward. People give us the cold shoulder in church, except for a few friends. I'm worried about getting a new primary calling with a toddler, an infant, and a wife on bedrest. The last church meeting one of the counsellors said this was a possibility. I'm going to decline it, because I feel it's in the best interest of my family's welfare, but how is this looked upon? I'm not used to a ward like this and the culture in general. Thanks

[pam]

First thing - you need to go to your Primary President, not your Bishop. The Bishop cannot do anything until the Primary President recommends somebody. This might be what is occurring. The Bishop, can only approve/make suggestions. The Primary Presidency is responsible for calling somebody to nursery (nursery is under the Primary program). The Primary Presidency is also responsible for coordinating substitute teachers. But, at the same time, you can just arrange 2 people in the ward to substitute for you and your wife for the next X Sundays and submit the names to the Primary Presidency and that's it.

While I understand what you are trying to say here, I think we need to be a little careful in the wording. First of all a Primary President doesn't and can't call anyone to a calling. Only a member of the Bishopric can do that. A Bishop can call anyone to a calling even in Primary if he feels the inspiration to do so without waiting for recommendations from the Primary President. A Primary President can make suggestions based on her own personal inspiration. But the ultimate decision rests with the Bishopric. When I was a Primary President and the Bishop or the counselor over Primary and I sat and discussed open callings, the Bishop asked me my opinion of someone. But again, the Bishopric had the final say.

Also going to the Bishop verses the Primary President isn't all black and white. Yes I would say in most cases bringing up your concerns with the Primary President is the way to go. But there are times when the circumstances or the need to be released is something you might only want to talk to the Bishop about.

Edited February 3, 2010 by pam

[JudoMinja]

I'm going to decline it, because I feel it's in the best interest of my family's welfare, but how is this looked upon? I'm not used to a ward like this and the culture in general. Thanks

Of course there will always be some people that will look down upon this, but I tend to think that such people would be able to find just about any reason to look down on you. Such people are judgmental and lack the spirit of understanding that should be present in a ward.

Cliques, gossip, and other similar behaviors can form even in church wards. It shouldn't happen, but it does. I'd say, don't worry so much about how these people view your actions. Worry more about whether your heart is in the right place. Put the Lord first- and the Lord would never expect you to sacrifice to the point of depriving your family of their health. Put faith in what the Lord is asking of you, and He will take care of everything else.

You are the steward of your family. The call is yours. Either you need to exercise a little more faith and humility- keep fulfilling your calling and let God worry about your family's health. Or, you need to take your concerns to heart, withdraw from the calling and find other ways to be of service that will not put your wife and children at risk. This judgment is up to you and the Lord- not the entire ward. So if they don't agree with your decision, don't worry about it.

[Guest]

My bishop recently reminded me, the priority should be Family first, then Church, then Job...

Pray about it and if you are inspired to decline a church calling for the betterment of your family, then do so. How the ward looks on it don't have to matter at all. The only thing you need to worry about in this case is your relationship with God.

[pam]

I agree with Anatess and others that have stated..family comes first.

[Guest mysticmorini]

I agree with Anatess and others that have stated..family comes first.

unfortunately some people abuse this and never accept calling and people like me who are going to college full time get stuck with three callings

[pam]

Well think of how much more you shall be blessed.

[Guest mysticmorini]

Well think of how much more you shall be blessed.

I don't think I'll have room enough to receive them

[FunkyTown]

Hey Luck,

Hope everything's good. I can sense the frustration: You have a young son who is sick, you have a pregnant wife. You are most likely getting little sleep and your work, since you're in law enforcement, is probably pretty stressful.

All of this came together with one frustration that you could do something about and the Bishop ignored your pleas.

I'm going to make a suggestion that you aren't going to like, but I think it's important:

Apologize to him.

I know, it sounds like you've been wronged. There's no denying that you should have been released. Forgetting you was terrible. However, I should note that your suggestions that the bishop 'Wouldn't look you in the eye' say you may have been a bit aggressive. With all the frustrations you've been experiencing, I can't imagine anyone would have been able to put up a wall as strong as you have for so long. It's understandable that you blew.

But you need to go apologize. Go in to his office, sit down and say "I'm sorry I blew up. This is what's been happening in my life. We can't do this. We can't." And then explain exactly what you explained to us.

Doing so will make you a better person. It will ease any problems in your ward and will help you grow.

It will help your wife and your child as the Bishop will know you can't do this and will go out of his way to help you.

Your bishop is human. He made a mistake. If you can be the bigger man, to go and apologize, it will be better for your family and it will be better for you. Your life will be enriched by what will come and your ward will be much better for all three of you.

Or you can choose to be right. It will be understandable and human, but it will hurt you, your wife and your child.

I'm a recent convert. My wife and I moved into a new ward in a town neighboring our old one. The ward seems very cold and distant and there are not very many young couples. All of our prior wards were very big with plenty of young couples and they were very welcoming to anyone. We got a calling to run the nursery. We both accepted. At the timewe accepted, we had a 10 month old son and my wife was pregnant. We watched an average of 7-9 kids on Sunday for 2 hours. To add to this, my wife had pregnancy problems during her last pregnancy (pains, premature labor, thyroid) and my son is very attached to me so I have to hold him a lot. Also, I work night shift in law enforcement and on Sundays I have to pull a 24-30 hour day. I also attend college full time.

It was my impression that nursery was given to newly married couples with no kids, as this was what happened in other wards. Despite our reservations we took on the role with no complaints. 3 months into it we had nothing but problems. My son has a weak immune system and became very ill with H1N1, RSV, and multiple colds and ear infections which required 2 E.R. visits. My wife is constantly in pain and faitgued. We approached the Bishop and politely requested to be released and explained all of the baove to him. He seemed to understand and gave us a "solid" promise that in 2 weeks there would be new nursery leaders. That was 4 months ago. We approached him again, with a polite attitude, and simply reminded him we needed to be released as my son was always getting sick and my wife is due in 2 months and was already contracting. His reply was that "they forgot about us". He left us with a promise that the next Sunday there WOULD be a replacement.

Next Sunday approaches and we didn't get released. We went into the nursery and asked some of the parents who the new leaders were and they looked at us like they were confused. My son was sick again, and my wife was having contractions. I went to the Bishop again hoping it was just a misunderstanding and he told me that "they found one leader but were waiting on the records of another, so it would be awhile." I'm a very patient man and I respect church authority as a new convert, but I do not like to be lied to multiple times. I approached him again and told him that we quit. I told him I don't like to be lied to and that it's dangerous to have a young baby in nursery and a pregnant wife who is contracting. He wouldn't look me in the eye and kept making excuses. I don't understand this behavior because all he would have to do is get a sub for a few weeks or just step up and find someone else.

My wife and I did our calling faithfully and never complained. the average nursery term is 6 months for married couples. I am still enraged over the way we were treated and have no intentions of going back. We will be attending our old ward.

As a new ocnvert I don't understand this behavior and wonder how to deal with it... Has anyone had this kind of experience? One thing I'm getting used to about the LDS church are all the boundaries. You can only attend one ward depending on where you live, and you fall under the leadership of only one bishop, good or bad. I was raised protestant and you could go to any church in the country and get the same leadership.

I have no doubt this church is true and it has impacted my life in many great ways like forcing me to quit drinking and smoking, blessing me with an amazing wife and son, and making me more responsible. However, I'm still a man and feel extremely offended by the way my wife and I were taken advantage of. Do I stick with the ward or can I move to another one? If I do move, how do I pay tithing, etc? Thanks!

[LDSVALLEY]

We had a change in a new Bishopric six months ago and things are upside down it seems. I have had so many issues with the new Bishop, who is a friend, that I have told him I can barely sustain his leadership. Understand I am not thinking I know better then he about what to do, but things are being done in something other then the Lord's way.

Interviewing two people on several occasions and having them both except the same role then choosing. Then telling the other one who excepted that they decided to go with someone else. Things talked about in the Bishops office making the rounds in the hall, and not spread by the person seeing a member of the Bishopric. etc.

Now I am weird in that I do my best to keep a calling position and the person seperate. For example I told him via email that I plan on avoiding the Bishopric as much as possible, don't think I would take a leadership calling at present, I would need to pray about one before deciding. And that I would keep my mouth closed from now on from trying to help repair the damage being done in the Ward. (Spent an hour talking someone out of leaving the church not because of the content but the way the Bishop dealt with them over an issue. pointed out in a loving way issues that the Bishopric is creating etc.)

On the other hand the person (not as a Bishop) and I on the same day I discussed my serious concerns over how things are being done also planned a temple run and lunch together.

The reason I bring this up is not to hijack this thread with my own issues but to provide some understanding as someone who sees both sides. Our current Bishop is screwing up big time because he is trying to be effective not effective. He is causing many issues in the WArd. On the other hand he is honestly trying to serve the Lord and the members as best he can.

Your Bishop I am sure is doing the same. But it is the squeaky wheel idea, the in your face stuff gets priority. Remember they receive no special training on being a Bishop other then some leadership stuff. They are left to create thier own way of handling the vast workloads they have and don't always do things the best way.

Remember your belief and the organization of the church are what counts, you must keep them seperate from isues that occur with individuals no matter what title they hold.