Providing For The Family

[informed]

Hello, I am new to this forum and thought I could find some re-assurance and possibly some good insights from other members.

My In laws feel I am a not a good provider. I know thier perception is incorrect.

I have read several quotes regarding the role of a provider. I feel I have a good perception of what it means. I am wondering what others feel.

What financial struggles have other members gone through during thier marriage?

What are reasonable expectations from a wife from her husband?

What specificly is the father and husband required to provide to qualify as a worthy priesthood holder?

[Palerider]

If I felt I was a good provider for my family I surely would not be concerned with what my in laws think.....hhhmmmm........

[Ray]

To me a good provider is someone who provides for the needs of others as good or well as they possibly can, in the best way that they can, from all of the good choices available.

Or in other words, while it would be wonderful if we all had a billion dollars, or enough money to provide for every material thing for the others around us, as well as all of the love and the best of ourselves that we have to offer to others, not all of us have a billion dollars, so we should simply do the best that we possibly can with all that we do have available.

[informed]

I guess the problem is what the spouse feels and the fact that she is concerned about what her parents think.

[lisajo]

I guess the problem is what the spouse feels and the fact that she is concerned about what her parents think.

Well i know i never worried what my parents thought, to me a good provider goes beyond money, it is a husband who takes a good role being with his children spending good quality time, provideing and extra lift when you need it, a diaper change, a good joke when your down, listening, remembering, i think us gals also have to provide, thankfulness , support, understanding, knowing hubby may not have had a great day at work and listening. it's a 50/50 world wifes have to provide alot too. i know in my world i do work to help out, now i don't always have to but it takes alot off my hubby too. now we both do work so alot of house duties we both do and the kids being older have their share too ( when we lucky LOL)

[Ray]

Okay, to be more specific:

For your financial needs, if you don’t have any means to acquire financial power to be able to share the things you need or desire to share, then you need to either reduce your need or desire to acquire financial power OR increase your acquisition of financial power so you can share the things you need or desire to share, with yourself or other people.

And btw, I’m trying not to use the word “job” here because many people have other "good" means of acquiring finances without having a “job”, either from receiving interest on money in a bank, or from stock dividends, or from royalties, or trust funds, or charity, etc.

Okay so far? I believe that covers everything related to financial issues.

For your spiritual needs, if you don’t have any means to acquire spiritual power to be able to share the things you need or desire to share, then you need to either reduce your need or desire to acquire spiritual power OR increase your acquisition of spiritual power so you can share the things you need or desire to share, with yourself or other people.

And btw, if you or your wife want more financial and spiritual power than you both currently have right now, then you or your wife need to either acquire more financial and spiritual power OR agree that you both should lower your needs or desires from each other.

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

I am responding as a woman whose parents feel my husband doesn't provide well enough for our family.

It is painful for me to have to defend the people I love against other people whom I love.

There are times when I have lied to my parents about our financial situation because if I told them the truth they would blame my husband and I couldn't handle that. And there are times when I have asked my parents for money to buy groceries and not told my husband because I didn't want him to know that his labors were insufficient to support us.

A big part of the problem is having different expectations and spending habits. Something I heard in Relief Society years ago really changed me: If your husband doesn't make enough money to live on, learn to live on what he makes.

Here in the USA, there is no reason for a family to want for sufficient shelter, clothing and food. Even if you are unable to earn money to support the family, acceptable basics can be obtained through government programs. And work is available. Unemployment in the US is not for lack of jobs, but for lack of people willing to do the work that needs doing at the wage it offers.

The problem lies in what each person finds acceptable. Not every child needs a room to himself. You don't need two vehicles (and some would argue that you don't need a vehicle at all, depending on where you live). You don't need to eat out. You don't need a TV. You don't need Nike Shox basketball shoes.

Habits are hard to change. If your wife grew up eating certain kinds of food that are expensive, she may not even know how to prepare less expensive meals. And if you're used to having your hair done at a fancy salon, asking a friend to trim it for you may not even occur to you.

On the other hand, it's fair to ask: are you working at your potential? Could you make more money if you continued your education? Are you looking for other opportunities that would bring your family greater flexibility? And most of all: do you deserve your wife's loyalty and fidelity?

It sounds to me like she hasn't quite married you yet. She's still looking back at the lifestyle her parents afforded her and wondering if she made a mistake.

A big wake-up call for me was to look through a photo album of me when I was little. I only remember the grand house we lived in when I was a teenager, but when I was a baby, my parents and I lived in a small upstairs appartment in an older part of town. Looking at the pictures I can tell we were poor. I realized that it took my parents at least 10 years of marriage before they were able to buy their first house, before they started taking vacations, etc. I was comparing apples to oranges - my parents' lifestyle in their early 50's to our lifestyle as newlyweds. Now, 15 years down the line, we are still far, far behind where my parents were financially at this stage - but we've made different choices. We have seven children, and they had only one. And we are deeply in love with one another and committed to an eternal marriage. At 15 years into their marriage, my Mom was having an affair with her boss and my Dad was an alcoholic/workaholic. Thankfully, my parents have gotten through those though times and are now happily married, but what marital joy did they give up in pursuing financial success?

[Maureen]

My In laws feel I am a not a good provider. I know thier perception is incorrect....

I am responding as a woman whose parents feel my husband doesn't provide well enough for our family....

The problem lies in what each person finds acceptable....

It sounds to me like she hasn't quite married you yet. She's still looking back at the lifestyle her parents afforded her and wondering if she made a mistake....

There is a difference between wife and in-laws. I bet informed's wife feels the same way you did 'mom' but it's her parents who see things differently, like your parents.

M.

[shanstress70]

My In laws feel I am a not a good provider. I know thier perception is incorrect....

<div class='quotemain'>

I am responding as a woman whose parents feel my husband doesn't provide well enough for our family....

The problem lies in what each person finds acceptable....

It sounds to me like she hasn't quite married you yet. She's still looking back at the lifestyle her parents afforded her and wondering if she made a mistake....

There is a difference between wife and in-laws. I bet informed's wife feels the same way you did 'mom' but it's her parents who see things differently, like your parents.

M.

But Informed also sd this: "I guess the problem is what the spouse feels and the fact that she is concerned about what her parents think."

If he and his wife are happy with the status quo, they should care less what her parents think.

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

It's one thing to say that what your parents (or his or her parents) think shouldn't matter, but it is entirely different to walk that thin line and try not to offend the people you love when they are clearly unhappy with one another. You don't (and shouldn't!) just turn your back on your parents and pretend they don't exist and what they have to say doesn't matter to you. And your parents have 20 (+ or -) years experience manipulating your emotions - they know your hot buttons and how to use them! Parents love their children and want what is best for their children. Sometimes (I'm tempted to say often) parents' perceptions of their son- or daughter-in-law is a little warped -- you know "no one is good enough for my daughter." Parents are blind to their own children's faults, but the child's spouse's faults are magnified out of concern and love for the child. Compounding this problem is the fact that often young married people are confused or embarassed when the "giddy love" wears off (see thread about marrying young) and they start recognizing the difficulties that lie ahead. The natural inclination is to turn to your parents, who have always protected you, reasured you, or offered guidance. So the parent may only hear the negative things their married child has to say about the spouse.

[Maureen]

<div class='quotemain'>

My In laws feel I am a not a good provider. I know thier perception is incorrect....

<div class='quotemain'>

I am responding as a woman whose parents feel my husband doesn't provide well enough for our family....

The problem lies in what each person finds acceptable....

It sounds to me like she hasn't quite married you yet. She's still looking back at the lifestyle her parents afforded her and wondering if she made a mistake....

There is a difference between wife and in-laws. I bet informed's wife feels the same way you did 'mom' but it's her parents who see things differently, like your parents.

But Informed also sd this: "I guess the problem is what the spouse feels and the fact that she is concerned about what her parents think."

If he and his wife are happy with the status quo, they should care less what her parents think.

But there is a difference between being concerned with how your parent's judge your spouse and not liking that they seem him in a negative light and agreeing with their judgement. So this statement:

It sounds to me like she hasn't quite married you yet. She's still looking back at the lifestyle her parents afforded her and wondering if she made a mistake....

I don't feel fits. Did 'mom' feel this way just because her parents did the same thing? I don't get that impression. There are several times in many people's lives where we are concerned about how others judge us and our family, but that doesn't mean we agree with them.

M.