Moving in support of careers

[NeuroTypical]

Hi all,

Have any married folks out there, had some big career-related changes during their marriage? My wife is going into a field that will eventually lead her to a residency, quite possibly in a different state. We're trying to time this to kids leaving the nest and whatnot. We understand this can be quite a stress on a relationship, going from one wage-earner to two, me leaving a career to support her, and all that. I'm willing to support her in this.

We're looking for success stories from folks who have made similar changes and thrived, or at least survived with the marriage intact. A couple we know from girl scouts just faced something similar, and they basically moved away and got divorced, and it's stressing my wife out bigtime. We see the stresses coming and are planning for them, but it would be a great comfort if we could look at a couple or two who have succeeded at similar things.

Thanks,

LM

[Guest]

Sure.

I took a job 2 hours away from my husband's job. I would leave on Monday and come home Friday. We did this for a year.

We survived.

It's not the change that kills the marriage. It's the couple's commitment to the marriage.

That's not going to be any different than you meeting some really lovely, perfect woman who has qualities missing from your wife and she showed interest in you.

That's not going to be any different than when you had your first child.

That's not any different than you losing a leg or becoming paraplegic.

That's not any different than you getting old.

Any change in the marriage will be experienced by you both. If you don't think you can accept the change, then tell your wife so she can quit her career choice. If you can accept the change, then do so and remain strong in your commitment.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. It is always greenest on the side you water.

[MarginOfError]

There's a woman in my ward who is an anesthesiology resident. Her husband moved here with her and they lived here for three years before he was laid off. He took a position back in Utah (about 2500 miles away) and by the time her residency is through, they'll have been separated for a little over a year. As far as we know, her marriage is still in tact. One will travel to see the other about twice a month.

There's also a couple who moved here with two young kids, and recently had a third. She finishes her residency this summer. I don't know if she's planning a fellowship or not. Their marriage is working quite well. He's worked a number of jobs around here due to an earlier lay off. But I suspect they were fairly cared for financially before arriving here, ie, lack of money hasn't been a burden on this family.

The big wild card I see in this is whether or not you can find fulfilling work near her residency. If you're miserable, it's going to be harder to make it work. If you can find a job in which you're happy, things will be fine.

[captmoroniRM]

I joined the military 9 months into my marriage. Sure, my wife has always been stay-at-home so there was no career impact on her, but it had other serious impacts. She is the youngest of 8. All but 1 of her siblings and his family live within an hours drive of each other. Each sibling is married with kids, giving her 14 nieces and nephews in that same distance, plus a whole plethora of extended family (beloved grandma, numerous uncles, aunts, and cousins).

Remember that no matter what challenges life throws at you, whether it be moving, or career changes, or whatever, the two most important things are your commitment to each other and to the Lord. You may have to sacrifice a good job to support your wife's residency in another state. You may have to sacrifice and live off of one income. She may have to sacrifice in delaying her school or studies for a time to help make ends meet.

Seek the Lord's help and follow his guidance as you make important life decisions. Plan as best you can, and always keep your covenants to each other and to the Lord. But be prepared for twists and turns along the way. The Lord often has completely different plans for us that we have for ourselves.

My wife has been a trooper with the changes she's had to make. She's had to put up with several months of me being unable to see her. She's moved 3 times since I joined. She has no family near us. She's become more independent and motivated. She's been blessed with good friends in each place. The challenges we've faced have improved our marriage and our relationship. The Lord has blessed us tremendously and we haven't been left wanting.

[Bini]

My husband was offered a job opportunity in Egypt. He would be overseas 6 months at a time during his 18-month to 2-year contract. While the money was fantastic, we decided as a couple that it simply wasn't worth us being apart, the primary reason due to my bipolar depression. So if either of you feel iffy about being separated for long periods of time, it should really be a discussion talked out thoroughly because a small chip on the shoulder that only causes a little discomfort, can transform into a big chip on the shoulder and into resentment.

Otherwise, if the two of you are confident and committed in maintaining a long distance marriage, there shouldn't be a hurdle you can't overcome while being separated. That's not to say it won't be difficult or stressful. I suspect that is to be expected. Just wanted to add a few notes. My bestfriend is recently married (less than a year) and her husband was shipped off to serve (he's a Marine). He will be returning late January or early February but as of now, they have already been apart for about 6 months. Not sure how they do it but they do. They both make great effort to stay in contact with each other. They SKYPE whenever he has access to internet and he shows her that he cares by remembering things like her Birthday and Christmas. She received packages for both occasions from him and it just brought her to tears.

It's doable. I'd say that it's not doable for everyone. Like my situation specifically. While my husband could have done it, it was me that would have really struggled with him being absent. Sometimes you can avoid making these decisions (as ours was an optional opportunity) but sometimes a couple are challenged with situations that aren't quite so optional — it's a DO.

[Guest Alana]

Moving is very stressful to some people. It fills them with dread and is really hard. My husband HATES the idea of moving just because of the actual process of moving. It stresses him out big time. I on the other hand love it because it's like an adventure to me. I like being able to go through all of our possessions and planning for our new location. When we've moved, my enthusiasm seemed to help carry him through and make it not so stressful, at least once it was all done and over. Perhaps helping the actual move be as stress free for your wife as possible will help? Moving is an ordeal, but there really are a lot of good things about it. It doesn't have to be bad. My husband and I haven't been married that long but every time we've moved it's actually been good for our marriage because it was like it was him and me having to accomplish something, and we did it, and it felt good.

[rameumptom]

The key is for the two of you to maintain your loving relationship through everything.

1. Couple prayer and scripture study daily (even on the phone, if apart).

2. Date night

3. Do something in common at least a couple times a month (dance, art, sports, etc)

4. Do unexpected loving things for one another.

5. Laugh together loudly through the stressful times.

[hordak]

Done it all.

I gave up my career for my wife/ kids.

I have moved all over the country, soon to be world, for her career.

When she does her "residency" it's typical in another country where people want to kill her.

There are many others in my same situation.

It doesn't work out for them all, but it's been mostly good to us, though certainly hard at times.