The marriage decision...

[beehivegirl]

I wasn't sure where to post this but, as it is a request for advice, I decided to post it here.

A brief explanation. After about 6 months of dating my bf and I decided to become engaged. We arrived at this decision after a lot of discussion and careful consideration about what we both wanted from marriage/life etc.

While we were dating he was able to spend a lot of time with my family - who are local. I was only able to meet his parents a couple times because they are so far away.

He is just finishing a masters degree. I am just finishing a bachelors. As a part of his program he went to another state to do an internship shortly after our engagement. The separation was very hard. We made a few trips to visit each other and handled the time in between as best we could. We were both really busy with our own educations/work etc.

His parents, despite hardly knowing me, have recently contacted him and not only expressed concern about our impending wedding, but have stated that they unequivocally believe that we are "not a good match". Let me explain that their reasons are not because there is any egregious sin or issue. Their reasons are about perceived differences in personality that they think will cause problems.

I am more than willing to hear what they have to say and consider whether I can or should make changes to improve myself. What I'm wondering is - how much should we rely on their input re: our decision to marry? We both felt good about it when we decided together. Now we are wondering if we made the wrong choice?

[Guest rockmanlinux]

As I do in all things...

1. Listen what others have to say.

2. See if it applies or makes sense no matter how painful

3. Make decision

His parents are just looking out for his best interests. If you both feel your marriage is a good choice, then follow that. Make sure you feel its absolutely the right choice because its easier to break an engagement than a marriage. The fact you have some doubts, is something you need to search sincerely until your at pure peace with decision.

[Dravin]

Now we are wondering if we made the wrong choice?

Why? Is it because his parents are worried? Or is it because you feel there is legitimacy to their worries? I presume they gave something more detailed then personality mismatch. If they didn't I'd ask them to cough up some details and if they can't to go jump in a lake.

[sensibility]

My parents were strongly opposed to my marriage; they respected my decision and didn't actively try to stop me, but they thought it was a really bad idea. But I have a fantastic marriage. My husband and I are a fabulous match.

However, we'd been best friends for nearly six years before we got married. We knew each other very well indeed. Their doubts didn't shake me, because I knew they were wrong (after all, I was eighteen/nineteen. Teenagers always know better than their parents. ). I wouldn't be concerned about their opinion, especially considering they scarcely know you; I would be concerned that it's shaken you up so badly. If you're not very secure in your relationship, marriage might not be a fantastic idea at this point. How soon is the wedding? Will you spend a while together in a non-long-distance relationship first?

Oh, and if you do decide to go ahead with it, make sure you have some very clear conversations about where to set boundaries with your respective parents. While his parents' concerns might be genuine and even warranted, it's equally possible that they're just very controlling people who can't stand to see their son making his own decisions. In-laws can be a huge stress in marriage, so do proceed with caution. Best of luck.

[findingmyway]

My parents gave me some advice before I got married. They said there was a high possibility of divorce if I follow through. Well.... almost 3 years later, and they were right. Respect their advice if its legitimate. Honestly, I made my own choices , and I am happy with it. Ultimately, it is your choice, and no matter what advice you get, you two determine how successful your marriage will be, not your parents or his parents.

[MarginOfError]

My parents expressed to my brother serious concerns about the girl he married the first time. The marriage fell apart four months later.

The first time I was engaged, my parents calmly stated to me that they didn't think she was as good a fit for me as I thought she was. After that engagement fell apart (I dodged a bullet there), I began to understand what they were talking about.

Before I married my wife, I asked my parents what they thought. If they had told me they didn't like the match, I would have taken that very seriously.

Not all parents are as amazing as mine, but when parents are concerned about a match, there's usually good reason. Just sayin'.

[beehivegirl]

@Dravin - Yes, because of his parent's concerns. While I haven't had the opportunity to talk to them directly about their concerns (I would really like to do this soon *with* him), he has told me some of what they said. It really is just a list of personality issues. They and I had some mis-communications and misunderstandings early on re: wedding issues. Honestly I didn't think much of it, bc it seems that weddings are inherently emotionally charged affairs, but apparently they saw it quite differently. I have reached out to them a couple times an offered apologies for the misunderstandings.

@Sensibility - Thank you so much for your input. I am concerned about how much this has shaken us up as well. I think this stems, at least partially, from the fact that we both love our parents dearly and have been raised to respect and honor them. It just really was not in either of our characters growing up to blatantly disobey our parents. However, we are both adults now. This is probably where we begin to differ. My parents have had concerns about our engagement, but their approach has been to talk to us, express their concerns and offer whatever assistance they can. My parents pov is that we are adults and that this is *our* intensely personal decision and to have someone else make it for us is tantamount to us abdicating our responsibility.

Oh. And to answer your question re: distance - we are no longer apart. He has, in the last week, finished his internship and returned.

The wedding was supposed to be in May. We had always intended to do pre-marital counseling as soon as we were in the same state. That seems even more appropriate to me now. I'm a little resentful about the way that they have handled things. I'd like to heal that relationship - if possible.

[ryanh]

You two can likely figure out if the marriage is right or not. You have a right to have direction from Heavenly Father in such issues.

What worries me is how the in-laws are already affecting the relationship. If you think poor decisions by in-laws regarding when and how to interact with you to is painful now, it is possible you are in for a surprise to see how bad it can be during marriage. Been there, done that, it's no fun.

You are not marrying just your fiance. Hope as we might, when we marry someone, we marry their parents - esp if our spouse has a close relationship with them. At this point, if I were you, and having gone through what I did with my ex in-laws, I'd be very seriously reconsidering if they are the type of people that I would want in my life.

[Guest]

My dad would have taken his shotgun and threatened my boyfriend to leave me alone if I gave him a chance... A devout Catholic marrying a Mormon was a capital offense in his book.

But... I knew what I was doing. That's the trick here - your parents are not the ones getting married. You are. Therefore, you have to know and accept that this is IT for you. There's no turning back once you make those vows. What the parents have is a perspective that you may not have seen. So, yes, analyze that and see if they have a point.

Anyway, I eloped, my parents did not speak to me for a year, my brother did not speak to me for over 2 years. They gave me 2 years tops and they predict I would be divorced by then.

We celebrated our 13-year anniversary last year.

But, my parents predictions somewhat came true - they predicted that I will be driven out of the Catholic church (I told my mother I am Catholic and will die Catholic)... well, I'm LDS now.

My husband is American, I am Filipino - another one of the reasons my parents opposed the marriage. And they were right on that too - that my husband would have a hard time following Filipino culture - like having the parents live with the children in their retirement age (we don't believe in nursing homes, etc.)... like financial support to siblings, etc. etc. My husband has gotten a lot better - he is very family oriented and love to visit with all my gazillion family members and wouldn't mind too much the constant months-long visits from them. But, it used to be we would have fights when Uncle So-and-So is coming to stay for 2 weeks and expects us to take him on a tour to Disneyworld...

Our personalities are a complete mismatch. We are both passionate people - therefore, if we agree, we are best buddies... if we disagree, it's explosive. But, we learned how to deal with that too.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is - you are the only person that can tell if your boyfriend is somebody you can trust to have an eternal marriage with. You need to figure all that out all by yourself. If both of you are very committed to the eternal family - almost anything else (especially personalities) - can be worked at.

Good luck.

[beehivegirl]

@anatess - I suppose when we ask for advice we are often looking for someone to validate what we're already feeling/thinking. I think, in some ways, you have done just that.

I am very aware of some of the differences in our personalities and family backgrounds. As is he. We discussed these as opportunities to learn and grow from each other. I don't see differences and difficulties as absolute grounds for failure.

@ryanh - re: marrying him *and* his family. I couldn't agree more. This experience has certainly given me cause to stop and consider more carefully. He and I are also having discussions about how much influence his parents would have in our relationship post-wedding. My question is how much influence should they have *pre*-marriage. They keep saying that the prophets say that a parent's responsibility never ends. I wonder is *this* what the prophets meant when they said that? Surely they also said something about the need for us to make our own choices?

Edited March 21, 2011 by beehivegirl

[Guest]

@anatess - I suppose when we ask for advice we are often looking for someone to validate what we're already feeling/thinking. I think, in some ways, you have done just that.

I am very aware of some of the differences in our personalities and family backgrounds. As is he. We discussed these as opportunities to learn and grow from each other. I don't see differences and difficulties as absolute grounds for failure.

@ryanh - re: marrying him *and* his family. I couldn't agree more. This experience has certainly given me cause to stop and consider more carefully. He and I are also having discussions about how much influence his parents would have in our relationship post-wedding. My question is how much influence should they have *pre*-marriage. They keep saying that the prophets say that a parent's responsibility never ends. I wonder is *this* what the prophets meant when they said that? Surely they also said something about the need for us to make our own choices?

This is true... the parents' responsibilities never end. But, if you really think about it, they are really doing nothing more than offering their opinion (whether just a suggestion or when said with passionate conviction, even). If they "forbid" him to get married, like, making the son choose between you or them, and that kind of thing... then that's taking things to a different level. In any case, it is still you and your future husband's free agency to marry. What I see as a better scripture that fits this is the verses on 2 Nephi 2 that shows opposition doesn't have to be bad. Opposition is necessary for learning... so that, you might want to see this opposition as an opportunity for you to analyze and see what you could be missing. A decision made after opposition is a stronger decision. So, I can put a positive spin on this and see how you might love your future in-laws better for helping you make that solid decision.

[Dravin]

They keep saying that the prophets say that a parent's responsibility never ends. I wonder is *this* what the prophets meant when they said that? Surely they also said something about the need for us to make our own choices?

My take on that (as a child) is while the responsibility never ends how it is exercised changes. We may always be their child but we won't always be a child. If nothing else priorities shift at marriage. Right now my priorities have my family up high on the list, but once I am married they get bumped down below my wife. She will, and must, come before them. Of course I'm anti-social and ornery and if my parents or family started raising a ruckus beyond what I felt was acceptable I'd simply uninvited them to the wedding. Luckily that's not an issue and my parents respect that while I'll listen to their counsel it's my decision to make.

[beehivegirl]

So, I can put a positive spin on this and see how you might love your future in-laws better for helping you make that solid decision.

This gave me all kinds of thoughts and feelings. It speaks to how I choose to live my life. I really want to see the good in this experience. And I really want to try to develop a good relationship with his parents. Thanks for the input and food for thought.

[beehivegirl]

Just a quick follow up (in case anyone is interested) We've again spent a lot of time talking, thinking, praying... Long story short we've decided to proceed with the wedding. We did postpone the date by almost a month to give us a little more time together (remember he's been out of state for months). We really enjoy each other's company, have similar goals etc and we seem pretty good at the whole problem-solving thing so I'm feeling peaceful and optimistic.

We've also talked to his parents about our decision - and they have done a complete 180 and are now in support of our marriage (yes I am still a little dubious about this).

Thanks again for all your input and support. It was truly helpful :)

[Guest mormonmusic]

Beehive:

I say listen to the parents -- listen to them long and hard. They probably know their son very well. Parental involvement is one of the reasons that arranged marriages in other cultures (like India) are so successful -- the parents get involved, meet the other parents, and have strong input into who their children marry. The children ultimately retain the right to choose if they like the people "chosen" for them, but the parental involvement is very important for discerning whether the right variables are in place. I personally wish I had more involvement from my parents in my own marriage decisions as they knew me very well.

However, ultimately, in our culture this is your decision. If I was you, I would also do a couple things, in addition to taking their advice very seriously.

1. There is a marriage preparation test you can take called PREPARE. It's a test you can take to determine possible points of conflict in your marriage. The details are here.

Choosing the Right One to Marry #2

See if you can arrange to take it and at least get an idea what sorts of conflicts you may encounter in your possible marriage. See if you can live with them.

2. Go through all the links at this page, and read the short articles there on preparing for marriage. There is also a recommended book.

Search Our Site. AT this site, type "preparing for marriage" and hit the search button.

3. Search the site of the emotional needs questionnaire at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. Read through their success factors for happy marriages (meeting important emotional needs, and avoiding Love Busters -- negative behaviors that destroy love). Then, you and your spouse take the emotional needs questionnaire. This will highlight what each of your respective needs are in your marriage. You can judge how well you can meet each other's needs naturally -- this will make for a MUCH smoother marriage if you find meet each others needs easily. If you don't, hang on to your shirt. It's going to be a rought ride.

I respect you greatly for putting this depth of thought into this decision. You remind me a bit of Backroads on this site a while ago when she was figuring out if she should marry her intended. THESE ARE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS YOU ARE ASKING, and if you make a bad decision, you will suffer. If you make a good decision, your life will be so much simpler.

I'm the voice of experience -- I married someone who doesn't meet my emotional needs naturally, and it's been REALLY HARD to get to the point we can call ourselves happy. Meanwhile many of my friends married people who are very compatible, and their marriages chug along wonderfully -- they are so happy.

I wish the best for you!!!!

[beehivegirl]

mormonmusic - Thank you! I appreciate your valuable input and concern.

We actually did something similar already. We read the book "Should We Stay Together?" and did the RELATE tests. We found that we are actually quite compatible. :) We also identified some areas we will talk about in pre-marital counseling.

We made it through and resolved this experience (and every other challenge we've encountered) very much intact and hopeful. I expect we'll be chugging along 20 years from now.