Disbelief in the Family

[jayanna]

there are several talks if you go to lds.org and type in 'wayward child' in the search window.

Some of them are about teens who have turned to substance abuse, but all of them have good ideas about parents getting comfort. Here is an excerpt from one: Loving My Wayward Child - Liahona Aug. 2002

"Amazing things began to happen. Impressions began to pop into my mind: I received ideas about how to handle day-to-day obligations and how to prepare for Church assignments. And I received inspiration about how to interact with my precious daughter.

One day I felt that my conversations with my daughter should turn to the positive things we had in common. Sure enough, our shared interests in music, art, and old movies provided us with nonthreatening topics of conversation. This change was a helpful first step in repairing our damaged relationship.

Another morning I felt a strong impression that continued over the next few months: Force is not the answer. I tearfully asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for forgetting that agency is a basic part of His plan. I realized that it is not appropriate to attempt to make someone do something, even if that thing is righteous. That was Satan’s design.

Change didn’t happen overnight. It was difficult, and I had to do a lot of it. I had setbacks, but I kept trying. As parents, we still had to set standards for what was acceptable in our home, but our daughter began to respond more positively because I was now more confident and less emotional."

Here is another one...check especially the sections under "Relevant Doctrines" and "Counsel to Parents" the end of that one is my favorite. When Our Children Go Astray - Ensign Feb. 1997

Try those out and see if they might help :)

Best wishes

[Guest Godless]

Godless, my question to you is do you remember any "turning point" in how your parents interacted with you? Were they given any advice from a doctrinal or church stance that encouraged them to just love you, find peace within themselves, and respect your decision?

I can't honestly say where the turning point was due to the fact that I moved halfway across the country shortly after opening up about my doubts (a move that was a partial result of being kicked out of the house after my parents discovered that I smoke). Ultimately though, I think they eventually realized on their own that pushing the issue would only push me further away from them, an eventuality that would be made easier by the physical distance between us.

I love my parents very much, but I can honestly say that it would've been hard to stay in contact with them if doing so meant being harrassed about my religious choices. I'm glad that they were smart enough to see how damaging that would've been, and I hope that your parents are able to reach the same realization.

[applepansy]

Yesterday I had to drive to town THREE times.... 1/2 hour one way. When I drive I listen to talks on tape and sometimes the scriptures.

Yesterday I was listening to John Bytheway's "Jesus Knows I'm a Christian" This is about the 5th time

I've listened to this talk.

There are some pearls of wisdom at the end that your parents need to hear. At one point it tells the story of a family outing at Trial Lake where he, his wife and two children were canoeing and fishing. He and his wife both caught a fish. The toddler was reaching to touch the water. The canoe tipped over. His conclusion after this was that no matter how hard he tried he could not save his family. He likened this to the gospel, no matter how hard we try (my thoughts: no matter how angry we get) we cannot save our family.

Only Christ can save us.

Edited March 27, 2011 by applepansy

[Mute]

A sibling has admitted their disbelief in the Mormon Church. My parents are having an exceptionally hard time dealing with this. I was wondering if there were any official instructions or literature on how to healthily handle the news and changed relationship for parents in such a situation. I am not looking for proselytizing information, but advice or guidance for a parent to healthily handle dealing with unavoidable conflict and emotional struggle that emerges from such a situation. If there isn't such official literature out there, or even if there is, I would also like to know of other people's experiences that relate to this. Again, I am not looking for proselytizing advice, but relationship/emotional advice so that my parents can cope and handle this situation in a more positive and healthy manner for themselves. Thank you.

What was your brother's relationship like with your parents before he left the lds faith? Had I of been closer to my parents and more comfortable with being open around them prior to my name removal, many of the hardships I experienced both before and after may have been prevented. Also did he actually leave the lds faith as in remove his name from the church records or just announce that he had unbelief?

Edited March 27, 2011 by Mute

[Guest Alana]

First off, I didn't read all the replies. But I did want to mention one thing. When my kids do something stupid and they get hurt, my first reaction a lot of times, as I'm going to help them, is one of anger. I get mad when they do something that hurts them that they could have avoided so easily. I get mad that they make me feel this pain and sorrow for them, I don't' like seeing them suffer. It could be your parents feel the same way. I'm not saying it's the best emotion at the time when a kid is needing comfort, and most of the time I squelch the feeling and just get down to business, but I'm sure I'm not the only one to do this on occasion.

[SeekingAdvice]

What was your brother's relationship like with your parents before he left the lds faith? Had I of been closer to my parents and more comfortable with being open around them prior to my name removal, many of the hardships I experienced both before and after may have been prevented. Also did he actually leave the lds faith as in remove his name from the church records or just announce that he had unbelief?

He hasn't mentioned name removal from the church records. So, I am assuming he has just annouced his disbelief. My brother has always sought to make my parents proud of him. He has never sought to hurt them or to be rebellious only for the sake of being rebellious. It is likely for both these reasons -- he didn't want them to be hurt and that he wants to make my parents proud of him -- that he avoided telling of his disbelief for years.

[Mute]

He hasn't mentioned name removal from the church records. So, I am assuming he has just annouced his disbelief. My brother has always sought to make my parents proud of him. He has never sought to hurt them or to be rebellious only for the sake of being rebellious. It is likely for both these reasons -- he didn't want them to be hurt and that he wants to make my parents proud of him -- that he avoided telling of his disbelief for years.

As long as your brother is still technically a member, then it's possible your parents may feel that there is a greater hope of him eventually changing his mind. I remember hearing many stories given of where a child has unbelief in the lds faith for a time only for them to come back to it later with a strong belief in it. Two of my siblings are examples of this.

I had a brother who thought religion was all a bunch of non sense. After moving out, he became close to a girl in the state of Washington. After knowing each other for some time, they decided that he should meet her parents. In the conversation, the mother brought up religion and asked if my brother was religious at all. Religion was a topic that him and his girl friend had never talked about. So my brother told her that he was lds. The next time he met the mother, she said she had a movie for him to watch. They all sat down to watch this mystery film and on pops "The God Makers". From that point on, it was her mother trying to get him to leave the lds faith. She had arranged for a preacher to show up at their house in order to help convince him of the "evil" of Mormonism.

Now my brother had no reason to care about the lds faith. Yet when the mother started accusing him of believing things he didn't and accusing the lds faith of believing/teaching things he knew it didn't, it caused him to become very angry at her. As a result, he took the time to read the scriptures and pray which started increasing his belief in the lds faith. He shared his feelings with his girl friend and she too thought that her mother was drastically over reacting. After several months, he told his girlfriend that he believed the lds faith was true and that he planned to serve a mission. From her own study, she also was arriving to the same conclusion. My brother has been a strong believer in the lds faith ever since. They never did marry but they remain friends to this day.

By leaving him alone and letting him make his own choices, it had the desired outcome that my parents wanted for him all along. You can do more harm than good by feeling it is your responsibility to try and fix the problem. Sometimes the best help is just being able to listen and being a friend.

[Saintmichaeldefendthem1]

SeekingAdvice,

I was driving today and thinking a little more on your situation. You said you wanted to influence your parents and I know that's a hard undertaking since they seem to be intransigent. I think they need to be calmly reminded that if they push their son away and become estranged to him, they will cut off their access to their own future grandchildren. I was listening to Dr. Laura who often makes the point that parents will do whatever it takes to be at peace with their adult children in order to have access to their (cute and adorable!) grandkids. Far from being a threat, this is simply a reality they will face if they continue on this course and perhaps you can help them look a little further down the corridors of time.

Maybe that will give them pause to think. In any event, I pray this all works out for everyone involved.

[SeekingAdvice]

Latest Update:

My parents are now bullying my brother, who still lives at home, into cutting off communication to people who don't believe, and forcing him to read some books that they have bought him. I feel like my brother's is caving in to appease his parents. I really don't feel that this is right. They see to be exercising unrighteous dominion over my brother through parental positioning and coercion. I've given some quotes from links that people have provided here, but it doesn't seem to phase them at all.

[Mute]

My father used to do that but perhaps not to the extent you are saying your parents are now. That's a tough situation to be in. Even the LDS faith believes in not forcing someone to be a part of a religion. Satan's plan was to force people to go along with it. They're not allowing their own son to make this choice. They're trying to force him to go along with a belief he does not hold. You have to give people the opportunity to be their own person. That is how we grow.

Let me put it this way to you. Even if God came down and said to me face to face that the lds faith was true, I wouldn't be a part of it if I was forced. I would avoid it just to make a point. Because that's not a correct method of doing it. It's kind of like love in a way. The only thing you can do is your part to love them. You can't force them to love you though. If you try, it will only make them not want to be near you. I hope you parents change their minds on the way they're acting. If not, then you should be the example. Talk to your brother and be the one there for him while he goes through this.

[Dravin]

Latest Update:

My parents are now bullying my brother, who still lives at home, into cutting off communication to people who don't believe, and forcing him to read some books that they have bought him. I feel like my brother's is caving in to appease his parents. I really don't feel that this is right. They see to be exercising unrighteous dominion over my brother through parental positioning and coercion. I've given some quotes from links that people have provided here, but it doesn't seem to phase them at all.

People can be stubborn, your parents may have to learn the hard way of the damaging effects of their behavior on their relationship with their son. And some never learn. Combine some stubbornness with fear and you can get some rather adamant behavior.

[RescueMom]

After reading this I feel sadness for your brother. Not because he has left his faith, but because he is being forced into an impossible situtation by his own parents. Imagine if our Heavenly Father handled all of us the way they are him. Would we not be resentful and angry?

Someone said earlier that it's like death for a child to leave the church. No it is not. As a person who one has left and came back and two as a person whose son has left when I left, it is not the end. I came back. I have no idea if my son will come back or not. But that does not change the fact that he has been taught the truth, that he is still a wonderful good person (despite not being Mormon), and has a great deal to contribute to our Heavenly Fathers plan. Does it mean that I am not sad he left, well I am more sad that it was my influence that drove him out. I suspect your parents are mostly feeling guilty and are more angry at themselves than they are at him, but are taking it out on him. I learned early on that I could not do that with my own son, or I would loose him in my life...and what good would that do either of us?

Just because he is choosing to live the life he is living now, doesn't mean in time he won't change and come back. Lecturing and berating him now will do no good. Even the wise can not see all ends.

And...and.....the love of God and the gift of the Atonement still apply to your brother....maybe that's what your parents need to remember. After all he is a son of God and has been long long before he was their son. And God loves him and wants him to return much more so than any mortal human can understand.

[Backroads]

After reading all the posts, I am thinking the problem lies largely with their parents. This is a situation I've oft wondered about. Respect is a huge and necessary part of healthy relationships, and it seems a lot of respect of your brother from parents is missing here. How necessary is it the relationships that your brother be LDS? Are they capable of respecting your brother despite his religious/spiritual choices? It almost seems that it's their way or the highway here, and I hate the thought of abandoning loved ones over religion.

And yet... if respect can't be had, what's the point of the relationship? I believe in unconditional love, but in a practical relationship respect is so necessary. Are your parents going to think less of your brother? Is your brother going to think less of his LDS associates? I think pretending to respect someone while actually feeling pity or patronizing is a terrible thing.

Your parents are definitely acting inappropriately here. Unless your brother is a minor, there's really not much they should be doing in way of controlling him like that. And even if he is a minor, it's a bad way. It'll make him react, and not in a good way. Lack of RESPECT.

Your parents need to consider what is more important to them: their son's testimony, or their son.

[applepansy]

Latest Update:

My parents are now bullying my brother, who still lives at home, into cutting off communication to people who don't believe, and forcing him to read some books that they have bought him. I feel like my brother's is caving in to appease his parents. I really don't feel that this is right. They see to be exercising unrighteous dominion over my brother through parental positioning and coercion. I've given some quotes from links that people have provided here, but it doesn't seem to phase them at all.

Thank you for the update. I think your feelings about this are right on target.

How old is your brother? Does he need to live at home? Sometimes a little space helps all parties get a better perspective on the situation.

I'm assuming you don't live in your parents ward? Have you considered prayerfully going to their bishop about the situation? "Telling" on them might make the situation worse but it also might help them see that their behavior is truly going to make things worse. Only you can know through the spirit what is best for your family.

It says a lot about your brother and his love/respect for your parents that he's staying and trying to do as they ask. Because he is willing to be respectful and obedient about this he will be blessed even if he doesn't believe.

Please put everyone's name on the temple prayer roll. Truly the only one who will touch your parents hearts is Christ, but He might use you to do it.

[SeekingAdvice]

After reading all the posts, I am thinking the problem lies largely with their parents. This is a situation I've oft wondered about. Respect is a huge and necessary part of healthy relationships, and it seems a lot of respect of your brother from parents is missing here. How necessary is it the relationships that your brother be LDS? Are they capable of respecting your brother despite his religious/spiritual choices?

I'm not sure, to be honest. Besides calling him a coward, a liar, a stranger, etc, they also seem to be looking for anything and anybody else to blame, it seems to suggest to me that they cannot a) respect the legitimacy of nonbelief b) respect that he, and not anything/anybody else, can decide and be responsible for his nonbelief.

And yet... if respect can't be had, what's the point of the relationship? I believe in unconditional love, but in a practical relationship respect is so necessary. Are your parents going to think less of your brother? Is your brother going to think less of his LDS associates? I think pretending to respect someone while actually feeling pity or patronizing is a terrible thing.

Respect so far seems to be predicated upon whether upon belief in the LDS Church so far. If my parents truly mean what they say, it seems to indicate that they will think less of him. While I can't mindread my brother's thoughts, his expressions so far seem not to indicate that he thinks less of people who have belief in the LDS Church.

Your parents are definitely acting inappropriately here. Unless your brother is a minor, there's really not much they should be doing in way of controlling him like that. And even if he is a minor, it's a bad way. It'll make him react, and not in a good way. Lack of RESPECT.

My brother is 19, so he is recently not a minor, a young adult, living at home, a sort of transitional age in my opinion.

Your parents need to consider what is more important to them: their son's testimony, or their son.

Unfortunately, I think that they think coercing or pressuring him into a testimony is in the best interest of their son. I don't think that they believe respecting his nonbelief is, in contrast. And I can't think of any way to dissuade them from this point of view. I've tried a few helpful quotes from links that people have given, but it didn't seem to take root. I don't want to try to tell them how they should parent. I've done that before with disastrous results. They feel that their parenting is immune to comment by their children and that it's offensive for their children to criticize their parenting decisions. They seem to have the attitude that if a parent decides something about how they should parent, the debate is over if you happen to be their child.

[Guest Godless]

Speaking from experience, parents sometimes don't realize the damaging effects of coercion until long after the child has left home. A couple of years ago, my dad came to visit me in Texas and admitted to me that he and my mom had been too hard on me when I was still living with them. This was three years after they kicked me out of the house. I'd imagine it takes longer for some parents, but I guess alienating a child is sometimes the best way to realize your mistakes as a parent. The situation between your parents and your brother may not end well in the short term, but one can only hope that time and separation will eventually mend the damage done.

[Madriglace]

My brother went inactive in his teens ... he is now 55 and still inactive. I have watched my folks deal with this my entire life .... they hold firmly to the passage in the scriptures that says (paraphrasing) "Raise up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart far from it". Key word being old.

If your brother was raised up in the way that he should go they have the Lords promise ... they just need to do their part ... love him, never give up, set the example, never give up, love him, never give up and when in doubt love him and never give up.

My youngest brother died at 4 days old and it has been my folks goal for all of us to be togther to raise him ... no matter what they love my inactive brother ... that doesn't mean they accept or condone his life style but they love him, they live their religion to the fullest all the time, they put his name in the temple every month and they have never ever given up. Mom says it is starting to change ... she says he knows its true but he's having trouble getting himself to obey. It'll work out ... until then we pray, we love and we never give up.

[Pinkbutterfly]

My little borther, now 35 years old left the church a few years ago. He was raised in the church, went on a mission and graduated from BYU. Just a year after he returned from his mission he told the whole family that he was gay and that he was leaving the church.

My mom almost had a heart attack, she was depressed for days and threaten to leave the church herself. I know that she blame herself saying that she wasnt a good enough example to my little brother and questioned Heavenly Father why He would punish her in this way.

It took her a few weeks, or months to realize that he was still her son, no matter what. That love him and pray for him was all that she could do. She didn't want to lose the realionship she had with him and she swallowed her pride and accepted him and he is now back in her life.

I know that the situation is not the same as the one with your brother. But I think all moms have their dreams for thier children when they grow up, my mom lost the dream that she had for him to see him marry in the temple.