Wedding Canceled...Help!!

[KGray87]

My sister has been engaged for 9 months and set to be wed in the Temple of June 2011. 1 week ago her fiance said he doesn't feel ready....he took 3 days with no contact to "think about things" but after those 3 days he confesses that he never even thought about there future. To make a long story short, this guy has a very troubled past and was part of a 'goth' group before he joined the church, which is when he met my sister b/c she was part of the discussions. He doesn't do the necessary things to get married into the temple and isn't talking about his feelings but my sister is stubborn and is desperate to hold on: Her ex boyfriend had dumped her after 2 years of dating(and marriage talk...they also met during his discussions) and now this? She is dying inside. I told her to talk to her bishop about this but it's like she is trying to fix it herself. How do I help her? Is there any type of list for LDS members on what to do in this situation?? I am genuinely worried for my sisters emotional well-being. She was talking about "giving up" on life. Help me, Help her. Please!!

[Jennarator]

First, it sounds like you sister doged a bullet.

But that doesn't make sense to her right now, nor would it help.

Heartbreaks are hard, no matter what and after setting a date and everything she in likely hurting.

My heart goes out to her.

If it's at all possible, take her away for a weekend, don't try to "get her mind off it," let her talk about it and cry all she wants. Let her have some time to mourn over her loss. I know he didn't die, but she still needs to mourn, and everyone does that slightly different. Getting out and away from everything for a couple days can help. Let her talk about it as much or as little as she wants.

Put her name on the temple prayer rolls.

Make sure she talks to you and that you are close to her. Any talk of suicide or any hints need to be addressed, preferably by a professional, but you if that is all she will talk to. Most of all don't tell her to get over it and it's not that bad. Don't tell her she doged the bullet, tell her that you know she loves him, and that it must hurt and ask how to help her. She might just tell you how you can help.

GOOD LUCK< GOD BE WITH YOU!

[Guest]

If I was your sister, I would feel relieved! Better to have "dodged the bullet" so to speak than to find out her fiance was not really "that into her" (from a movie title) after the wedding!

There's no list that I know of that solves the problem. She needs to be loved. You're there. So, love her... like a super special princess, complete with chocolates, mani-pedis, spa treatments, etc. Remind her how awesome she is and how she was so lucky to have been saved from divorce - TWICE!

Pray. Together, even.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I can relate. I was engaged to a gorgeous, charismatic model from Britain. She was a musician like myself, and we had the same kind of incisive sense of humor. She served her mission in my Ward and then after her mission we got engaged, announced it to everyone. I was thrilled and in heaven.

Then, the problems started, and we ended up breaking the engagement.

So, of all the different things people tried to do to help me, I only remember one person who really did the right thing.

She took me out to dinner and just listened to me. She didn't try to make me feel the person wasn't right for me, she didn't annoy me with comments about the failings of the other person -- I was hurt BECAUSE I LOVED THEM. So those kinds of comments didn't help.

She just listened to me, and whatever she wants to talk about, let her. Be kind, and up the time you spend with her. Give hugs, make a nice dinner etcetera. Avoid platitudes, and just shower her with love and kindness and empathy for a while. Be available and listen even when you've had enough of it.

This friend of mine let this go on for a while, and then, after a reasonable time, told me it was time to move forward. She then put limits on how much we could talk about it, and even started fining me a dollar each time I brought it up!!!! (Our relationship allowed this, as we both had psychology majors behind us, and were applying a technique called operant conditioning-- its not for everyone, but it was the way she sought to help me focus my thoughts in a more positive direction after the reasonable grieving period had passed).

At one point, I helped myself by writing a piece for the Church news on how to handle the aftermath of a failed engagement. I wrote my thoughts, and they actually provided advice for me to follow. So, after the intense grieving period starts expiring, encouraging her to write such advice to someone in her shoes in her journal might help. Even have her share it with you.

Also, share the scripture in the book of mormon where the Nephites overcame grief through fasting. Search for fasting in the BoM and you should find it. I think it's also in Gospel Principles.

And, after she's ready to get out of the doldrums, encourage her to envision a future where she doesn't have this heartache. For me, it was in my patriarchal blessing that I would meet someone who WANTED to be married to me in the temple. Actually WANTED IT. Help her imagine and believe in a world where she has someone who doesn't make her feel the way she feels now -- someone who lifts her spirits and wants to take the relationship all the way to the temple. Build faith, which then creates hope which improves happiness.

After she has moved past the problem a bit, you can introduce how the relationship wasn't good for her -- but only after she has made it out of the dark place she is now.

[Gwen]

i agree with the folks saying let her talk. be there for her.

don't push the wedding. don't try to talk him into it. don't try to "fix" it. if it's going change course it needs to be up to him or it will only be worse later.

[curiousheathen]

And just as a note: there are plenty of Christian goths. Being gothic in and of itself is not part of being "troubled". Goth is a fashion statement. However if the group he belonged to called themselves "goth" and also used drugs or anything else, goth may be seen as encouraging and those types of activities as part of it.

Other than that, take everyone's advice here. Sorry for your sister.

[Backroads]

And just as a note: there are plenty of Christian goths. Being gothic in and of itself is not part of being "troubled". Goth is a fashion statement. However if the group he belonged to called themselves "goth" and also used drugs or anything else, goth may be seen as encouraging and those types of activities as part of it.

Other than that, take everyone's advice here. Sorry for your sister.

It can be a fashion statement, but there is actually quite a complex group of Goth definitions, from merely a fashion to much more. So just because they are saying Goth does not mean it's just people who dress that way.

As for the rest of it, I think much of it has been said. Your sister is probably better off, but right now who cares? Her heart is broken and she is hurting. I doubt anything anyone is going to say is going to help at all. She needs sulking, moping, and wallowing time as well as some encouragement to get back into the world.

Two friends of mine broke off their engagement. Actually, it was the girl. She spent months avoiding people, even though she knew the marriage wasn't right. It took her awhile to be social and happy again, and that's good, but she also thinks a short time of mourning the loss was healthy and necessary.

[rex8499]

My wife sometimes wears her goth get-up to church. Chains, plaid and black dress, matching combat boots, dark makeup, etc. She does it in an appropriate respectful fashion, and all the young girls LOVE it. nothing wrong with goth outfits.

[curiousheathen]

As an off topic but an experience with LDS woman: I was in full Victorian-goth garb (usual daily wear for me) and I was getting all these dirty looks. This awesome old lady comes up to me and says, "I wish I were young enough to pull this off! Keep it up!"

[Backroads]

I love the goth look, but it really doesn't suit my personality.

[Elphaba]

My sister has been engaged for 9 months and set to be wed in the Temple of June 2011. 1 week ago her fiance said he doesn't feel ready....>snip<She was talking about "giving up" on life. Help me, Help her. Please!!

I have been in your shoes for the past year and a half, and it is rough.

My daughter was engaged to the man she'd been in a relationship with for three years, and we all thought he was wonderful. When he proposed, I was ecstatic. I was so happy she had found such a great match, and looked forward to grandchildren. Then two months after he proposed he called it off. It was devastating to both her and me; however, it turns out he was not such a great person after all. I'm not saying that simply because he dumped my daughter; rather, it turns out he really wants a life of virtually no responsibilities, and every time we think he's sunk to a new low, he proves us wrong. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him for what he did, but I did come to realize that marrying her, knowing how he truly felt, would have been a far worse crime, and now I honestly worry about him. But there's nothing I can do for him and so I don't dwell on it.

However, my daughter is still not over it, and it continues to break my heart every single day. Things have actually gotten ugly between them these last two weeks and I'm hoping this is what finally gets her to see that she HAS to LET GO, once and for all. She has known that's what she's needed to do for a very long time, but knowing it and doing it are two completely different things.

I really have no advice for you, as I haven't been able to make everything okay for my daughter, much as I've wanted to. It's a very fine and squiggly line between letting her know I understand why she's in so much pain and giving her tough love when she needs to hear reality, and I feel like I'm always falling off that line.

Right now, though, your sister's feelings are probably so raw that nothing you or anyone else says will really make it better. I do think my physical presence helped my daughter over those really dark days. She's a hugger, and I am so grateful for that, because it really does seem to help her feel better (it never did me, so I have a hard time understanding it). Perhaps the same will be true for your sister.

My heart goes out to the both of you.

Elphaba