Divorce Dilemma

[Gatekeeper]

I wasn't ready for any of this. i was still trying to sort out my feelings for my wife, and if i would leave her. so you can see the $#!* really hit the fan this week. I'm a little sick of the people close to the situation telling me i need to move on, and try to overcome my feelings for her. If you haven't gone thru this, it's hard to understand the longing and heartache. it seems like all this has been a forced repentance process, that i'm not really ready for. just a little peak into the storm of emotion that has been pulling me down this week.

/QUOTE]

You know, it’s plain to see that you’ve made up your mind to do as you please and not what the Lord would have you to do to strengthen your family. Yes, you did go to counseling with your Bishop and your wife; but still the unintelligent force of your lust for this other woman still stains your thoughts. You have turned your caring wife’s attempts to do what is best here into a mockery. It is sad. I completely believe that at this point it is useless to attempt to save your soul; may God show you mercy.

You have completely, and no doubt purposely, ignored other posts in this matter that directly ask you for your thoughts and concerns as for your daughter. My focus has sympathetically turned to your daughter’s needs—though, I would say your wife’s needs too, but at this point you surely display no concern for a future with her, and you have no value or desire for her eternal love. I am familiar with your persistent type of behavior, so in my personal opinion she may just be better off without you. Add sadly to this, because of your continued thoughts of lust and possible infidelity, you are not considering the saving power of God for this other woman’s soul. Your weakness is used as a soul-destroying weapon, you see.

I stress that all children desire, as well as deserve, from their parents the positive, good experiences in life. By now most likely you are thinking, I am not telling you anything that you do not already know, right? Need I say more? No.

[Guest Olwe]

After reading both of your posts in their entirety, it really seems like you've made up your mind already. As evidenced by this statement:

I know it would have serious repercussions, but I think I'm done here.

It's really tragic that you would choose a forum like this as your last resort, but I'll share with you a few thoughts I've had after reading what you've said.

So I have a dilemma. I have been married for almost 5 years. We were married in the Temple. We have one beautiful daughter under 3. The last couple years have been very rough for us. Mainly sexually but that has just led to frustration elsewhere. We've never had a very good intimate life. She has never really been interested. Sometimes hostile about it. I mean anything remotely sexual has gotten her angry. She has no problem joking around with other couples about sex,(ie. "i know what you're gonna do later!") That kind of stuff. But heaven forbid if I say anything along those lines. It's ok for other people, but not me. There's a total double standard. The only time she is "interested" is when she wants to get pregnant. So I'm reduced to stud service.

I've put in bold two things you said there that need some very serious consideration on your part. First and foremost you need to remember the sacred covenant with God you entered in when you took your wife to the temple. You promised her your fidelity and your hand in marriage for this life and the next, it would be very harsh to take that away from someone you once loved enough to make that sort of vow.

The second thing you need to remember is your daughter, and you even said your beautiful daughter. You know what she deserves, she deserves a father that loves her mother unconditionally. She needs an example for when she's looking for her own companion years down the road. She needs a father to protect her and comfort her. For her alone, you should stay with your family.

Now about your wife joking around with other people. What that simply suggests to me is a person extremely self conscience about their own sex life. You need to make sure your wife knows how much you love her. Of course she won't want to have sex with you if she doesn't know that. I know for a fact that my wife lives to hear me express my love for her, and sex is the ultimate expression of a love between partners. If she doesn't know that you love her, I would logically surmise she feels uncomfortable with having sex with you.

I'm not satisfied with my home life. I feel like I'm living a lie. I suggested counseling a few years ago, but to no avail. I ordered Laura Brotherson's book, but when she found it in the mail, she was PISSED! She doesn't feel there's a problem with our sex life. It's just something she can live without. I wonder what sex would be like with a woman who actually wants to be there. I just want out. I know it would have serious repercussions, but I think I'm done here.

So bottom line. I've tried to work things out in the past, but it hasn't done anything. I'm seriously fed up with my marriage, even though i'd be losing my wonderful daughter. I think I'M entitled to some happiness here. It seems like every other couple I know has a perfect, happy life, and I'm stuck in a marriage that I'm falling out of love with. I know that I should soldier on and stay, but I would continue to be miserable. I hate to leave my daughter, but I don't think it's going to get any better. Like I said, this didn't just happen over night. It's been the past few years. I feel so torn. I'm on the fence right now, just worrying about what I should do. I kind of want to just get out and move on. To just try again, but I'm not sure. So you can see. I need help.

The time for merely suggesting counseling is far passed at this point, you need to insist. If you're serious about keeping your marriage intact, you HAVE to get professional help.

Step back for this moment and consider the second thing in bold there. I think you're coming to your conclusions in a very selfish manner here. You're entitled to happiness? What about your wife? You are only supposed to care about her happiness and put her above yourself, as she does the same for you. That's how a marriage works, less selfishness and more selflessness.

What may seem to you like every other couple is living a perfect and happy life is evoking the idea of the grass is always greener. A fact of life is that every couple in every marriage has their own challenges. If you get into the rhythm of judging your happiness based on what you perceive other's happiness to be, you'll be chasing a phantom for the rest of your life. Please, only focus on your family's happiness.

You are right, you need to solider on. You need to use wisdom in making very serious choices in what will make you truly happy. You cannot say things like "I'd hate to leave my daughter, but...." If you say such things, it only makes actions leading to that consequence easier to choose. You've got to change your thinking into, "I will never leave my daughter, because it would ruin her life."

I think another point to consider here is this other woman. What expectation of happiness do you have with her, other than carnal sexual pleasure? Two years down the road, once the sex filled honeymoon period is over (assuming I guess that you get married), are you going to regret your actions of leaving your family? Are you really going to be able to justify abandoning your daughter just for sex? How will she look at you later in life?

You need to focus on your family. If you make sure to treat your wife like a queen, go to counselling and fix your issues, you'll start to find true happiness again.

[TopGear-head]

first of all a deep and sincere THANK YOU to everyone who has posted constructive and uplifting advice- especially ANATESS and MORMONMUSIC. you have helped me more than you know. i will take your counsel to heart.

to the others- how dare you?! i came to this forum looking for peace, understanding and perspective. all i have felt from you is judgment, fault-finding, and utter arrogance.

the words of the savior come to mind. Judge not lest ye be judged, and he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her! instead of offering heartfelt commiseration and a spirit of love, you have cast aspersions upon my character and judgement upon my actions.

i'm surprised you were even posting, because the way you act, you should be translated already. since you were casting stones at me, you must not have committed any sins. it's members of the church like you, who cause many a headache for missionaries in the church. i can't tell you how many of you so-called followers of christ, have driven away investigators when i was on my mission in utah. your OPINIONS and lack of a brain/mouth filter have caused more problems than you've solved.

instead of pointing fingers at me, maybe you should take a good look at yourself. why don't you march back to your high horses, with your Holier-than-thou attitudes, and continue to look down your noses at the rest of us sinners. the church must really be a country club for perfect people. how stupid of me to post a problem on a so-called ADVICE board on an LDS forum. my mistake. i know where i'm not wanted.

i was planning on posting comments on each persons post when i have the time. however, due to the actions of a couple posters on this forum; i no longer feel welcome here. i am hereby terminating my membership on this forum. since you feel the need to post derogatory remarks, and not even listen to how i feel. you should be ashamed of yourselves.

again, a heartfelt THANK YOU to those who have offered peace and heartfelt concern, and sympathy. your love is appreciated and welcome. however, i have enough stress in my life right now to take derision and judgement from supposed members of the church.

farewell.

[skippy740]

TopGear-head,

Every discussion forum on the internet is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. (At least you get your money's worth. Oh wait...)

You're going to get different responses based on the experience, judgement, character and the way they read the text of what you have written. That's the problem with internet forums and the written word. Each person reads everything in their own mental tonality.

Members of the church are NOT perfect, neither are our forum members (including yourself).

While I don't feel your rant to be justified, there are many good things happening on this forum and I would personally wish you'd stay and at least READ some of the threads on occassion. You may find some areas and thoughts that you'd like to contribute and participate.

[John11111]

Dont worry about other people here dont run away from a place where you can get good advice and help for yourself because of other people. You will hear things you dont want to hear but a lot of us have been where you are or similar situations and the advice being given is genuine.

Your wife didnt want to hear or got angry when you tried to talk about your problem. Yet you are doing the same thing now. Getting mad and angry when people point out problems they see and are trying to give you advice based on the small amount of information you gave us.

Coming back at people the way you did seems hypocritical your judging them for judging you it can be a vicous circle...

Looks like you got the ball rolling, I also recommend, His Needs Her Needs. There is so much in that book that every couple can benefit from. Me and my wife learned a lot from it as well and it has helped our relationship greatly. It seems like a lot of the focus now is on your relationship with the OW, make sure that your original problem is not forgotten and gets adressed..

Good luck with everything and keep with it, marriage is not easy its a lot of work. As with most things though the more work you put into it the better off it will be.

[ribbit]

You are in a tough position. If you divorce your wife to improve your situation your daughter will pay for it with her own happiness. She will always know she was not important to her father.

My advice would be tactical:

Tearfully tell your wife you love her but you are desperately afraid she is going to divorce YOU because she is so obviously unhappy. Refuse to believe she can be happy without a sex life. This is the only way to make her understand it is incomprehensible to you that anyone could be happy without a sex life. If you come at this as wanting to make her happy - with all the tools at your disposal - and that you refuse to bring any more children into an unhappy marriage - unhappy as defined by her lack of interest sexually - I bet she will come around.

Do NOT have unprotected sex with this woman until progress is made. You must protect the child you have but also do not risk future children. (It is also your leverage to get her to work on the marriage. She wants children. You want children - but only in a viable marriage. Work with that.)

IF you divorce her - I think it is the wrong thing to do but I understand how compelling it is to just walk away - you must not marry or have any other children until this one is grown. You must live next door to her so she will have access to you when she needs you and you will be on site for important parenting decisions. If your wife moves, you move along with her and do whatever it takes to be next door and both physically and emotionally available to your daughter. You do this and she will worship you. If you do not prove to her - a child is very demanding and needy - that she is important to you then one day soon you won't be important to her.

I was your daughter and you loved me - but not enough to be there when I needed you. And now I don't care. Please don't be my father.

[lost123]

Take the "I" out of selfish and you get "self-sh". Give it a try. Take "I" out of your needs and see if you can start serving your wife and child. You will (though slowly) see that your wife will most likely warm up.

President Monson recently said, "Choose your love and love your choice". Good marriages come through hard work. Talk to your bishop...and ask for guidance and help. There are marriage strengthening classes available. You made a covenant in the temple. Work to keep your covenants...not only in good times but in bad times too. Believe me...it is harder not to keep covenants than to keep them.

A word about your co-worker: flee from the situation as quicklly as you can. If that means that you ask to be transferred then that is what it might take. Don't flirt with temptation. You will fall. Don't do it. Emotional cheating is still cheating. Talk to your bishop about it. Call him today.

BYU offers free Independent Study courses. Some of these are directed at strengthening marriage. Go here to see the selections:https://ce.byu.edu/is/site/courses/free.cfm

[RadDad]

my friend,

you and your wife need to work together on this. i am sure that you love each other...divorce is not the answer. have you studied and found out how to help your sweet wife orgasm so that she feels the need to have it again and again? if not, you have your homework. you have to want her to have a climatic experience more than your own.

does your wife understand that God made the body to be able to react to the sexual experience? in the next life only those in the highest degree of the Celestial kingdom will have sex. the rest will be "single, sexless and separate" there is a celestial as well as a physical reason to learn the art of climax.

every person you could marry will have their own set of problems or actions that you cannot stand or tolerate. trading your wife in for another woman just sets you up with a whole new set of problems. learn, my brother, accept your wife for who she is and to help her to grow. if nothing else, you made a covenant in the temple and "God will not be mocked" you owe it to your self and your child to relearn to love your wife and make it work.

this question of to divorce or not is very black and white......do not...you will regret it.

Edited May 14, 2011 by RadDad
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