My story...

[banaberry]

I was baptized into the Church in 2002. Currently I am inactive. I was active up until I was 21, when I married a non member. Recently my husband left my daughter and I. When I first got married I thought he would support my religion. I can't drive and he always came up with excuses to not bring me to church...Eventually I stopped going all together. Anyway he left me in December '10. He does not visit his child. I haven't worked up the nerve to get a divorce...the relationship was semi abusive. I am glad he is gone...after he left my father suffered a stroke. He has been in rehab for two months. The stress has taken a toll on me. I am now suffering from panic disorder. I rarely leave the house. I am scared to take my Paxil. I have to go to the psychiatrist in two days and I am so scared. I have a 4 yr old to take care of. I feel completely hopeless.

Depression has hindered my social life. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time but I haven't. Right now I think about it everyday. However I can't see myself going to church because of my panic attacks. I want to go and I want to take my child. I am wondering if there is some way I can still be involved in church while I get over this scary disorder. I need support and guidance about how to get involved in church again, which is why I joined this forum.

To introduce myself, I was baptized in 2002 in NYC. I went to school at BYU for 2 yrs then moved back to NYU and graduated at a SUNY. I have a beautiful 4 yr old daughter. I am working on my masters degree online. I am hoping and praying everyday for this disorder to disappear...

Thank you.

Edited April 26, 2011 by banaberry

[JudoMinja]

Banaberry,

Your panic disorder sounds like the result of your abusive relationship. I went through a period of post-traumatic stress when I left an abusive relationship, myself. At the time, my son was only 5 mo. old. It was very difficult to get through the period of recovery when I had to fix basically everything about myself and still be there for him. Every part of me was broken. I was a mess spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially...

But I made it through. I made it through because I sought out help in every avenue and took it slow. One day at a time. There are plenty of resources out there to help you. Talk honestly with your psychiatrist about your fears and difficulty in taking your medication. The medication may or may not be necessary in your situation. I made it through without taking any medication, but I know it probably would have helped if I had taken something.

Keep your priorities straight and keep a "check list" of your progress.

Number one is making sure you can take care of your four year old. That means a job and child care. Do you have that figured out?

Number two is getting yourself emotionally and spiritually fit, so that you can be a better person for yourself and a better mom for your daughter. That means seeing a psychiatrist/therapist/psychologist (SOMEONE) who can help you through your recovery and figuring out what you are going to do about church. I would suggest going to at least sacrament meetings and setting up a meeting with your bishop to talk about things with him. And a LOT of scripture study. I dived back into the scriptures when I left my bad situation, and I think that is what helped me the most.

Just take it all one day at a time, one thing at a time. Pray a lot. Don't be afraid to be an emotional wreak. There's no shame in it. Work on healing yourself, and take good care of your daughter.

[Guest]

Judo - awesome post!

Let me insert the first step...

You should do this right now. Go to a mirror - look at yourself - then tell yourself, "You are a child of God. He loves you." Yep. That's it for step 1. Lather, Rinse, Repeat as necessary...

[banaberry]

Thank you so much for your responses! I really appreciate it. I am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time and even though I am very nervous I know the worst that can happen is I panic. Judo, hearing your story was very inspirational. How long did it take you to overcome your disorder?

Right now I am working on a degree and I take care of my child full time.I have to sign her up for kindergarten...little things like this make me nervous. Going outside is an ordeal. I know I will need a lot of therapy and the biggest step is the one I am taking tomorrow.

Right now I do not own any scriptures. Should i contact the missionaries for the free ones they give out? Who should I contact about going back to church? Thank you

[Guest]

Thank you so much for your responses! I really appreciate it. I am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time and even though I am very nervous I know the worst that can happen is I panic. Judo, hearing your story was very inspirational. How long did it take you to overcome your disorder?

Right now I am working on a degree and I take care of my child full time.I have to sign her up for kindergarten...little things like this make me nervous. Going outside is an ordeal. I know I will need a lot of therapy and the biggest step is the one I am taking tomorrow.

Right now I do not own any scriptures. Should i contact the missionaries for the free ones they give out? Who should I contact about going back to church? Thank you

You can go to Scriptures to get started on reading the online version.

And to go back to church, you can either contact the missionaries, or just show up at the ward building on Sunday...

[classylady]

Banaberry, you mention that you don't drive. Is your ward building very far from where you live? If you can contact your bishop, and let him know what is happening in your life, and that you'd like to return to activity, I'm sure he may be able to help figure a way for you to get to church--line up rides, etc. Even if you live close to the ward building, and don't need assistance in finding a way to church, it would still be a good idea to contact him. Because of his stewardship over the ward members--and that includes you, he is given guidance and insight from the Spirit that we on this forum simply don't have. He may assign you home teachers, who could become a great help and asset to you. If you can find/or make a friend within your ward, you perhaps wouldn't be so panic stricken when going back to church. Your Relief Society president can also be a wonderful asset and help to you. She would probably assign visiting teachers to you. They also could become great helps in your returning to activity. I'm praying all goes well for you and that you can find the strength and courage to do what is best for you and your daughter.

[Gatekeeper]

I am wondering if there is some way I can still be involved in church while I get over this scary disorder. I need support and guidance about how to get involved in church again, which is why I joined this forum. QUOTE]

Hi banaberry. Well, stress and anxiety can be reduced by replacing irrational beliefs with rational ones, and, theoretically, LDS church beliefs are based on sound logic and reason, so Church doctrinal issues should not interfere with your coping methods.

However, I would question your psychiatrist about your medication therapy. Paxil is a wishy-washy type of med when it is used collectively for depression, anxiety and panic disorder. Perhaps exploring a med just for the panic attacks could be in your best interest. By the way, have you ever had a hormonal profile done? Ask for one. This may be the link to your problems. Take care.

[Blocky]

One of the best things that happened to me when I was coming back to church, but not fully there yet, was having visiting teachers come to my house. THey brought the Spirit. They helped me remember what I was missing out on. They helped me remember the Lord. It was fellowship and kindness and friendship. Would you be comfortable having visiting teachers? Get a hold of your bishop. Ask him if you could have some visiting teachers (and maybe a home teacher?) who will actually visit. They may also be a good way to keep in touch with primary activities. We just had an Easter egg hunt at church for the primary kids. It was great. My husband, who isn't active and really dislikes talking to people, came and it was great. No pressure, just fun stuff. People who were visiting the area for the week came, non members came, it was very casual and fun. If you start having visiting teachers, one of them may be able to bring your son to church on days where you don't feel up to it. I've brought kids to church when their mom was having a bad day. It was no problem for me, fun for my kids, and the kid liked it too. Then, when you do want to go, it makes it easier because your son knows how things roll, and it gives you an excuse to go.

[Elphaba]

Your psychiatrist is the only person you should rely on when deciding what medications to take, and you need to follow his/her instructions exactly. If s/he tells you to take Paxil, then you take Paxil, exactly as prescribed. Do not skip it, even if you're scared. It can't do it's job if you do that.

Good luck with the psychiatrist tomorrow.

Elphaba

[JudoMinja]

Judo, hearing your story was very inspirational. How long did it take you to overcome your disorder?

Everyone else has done a wonderful job answering your other questions, so I thought I would focus on this. I know hearing about others who made it through similar circumstances gave me a boost when I was struggling.

I still would not consider myself 100%. I still have nightmares, the occassional flashback, and some trust issues- okay the trust issues are my biggest problem. I'm not dating anyone yet, but I'm pretty darn certain that when that time comes, I'll probably end up having panic attacks if/when he does anything that reminds me of my ex. However, I am back in a healthy emotional state and have strategies in place to handle any "bad moments" I may have.

I had a lot of help with everything. I saw a therapist once a week, saw my bishop every other week, had a very supportive and helpful family, got government aid, and had some great friends and support from church members. I also spent quite a bit of my personal time reading books about abusive relationships and how to recognize and avoid them, as well as doing some theraputic writing about my experiences and feelings. After about six months both my therapist and bishop said they didn't need to see me anymore. Another six months and I had my schooling figured out and a steady job.

Right now, my son goes to a great daycare and I have a job that pays enough for me to cover my bills and put food on the table without outside help. I will be finished with my bachelors in another three months or so and will be continuing my education beyond that. Being a single mom isn't easy and I do have the occassional rough day, but I am independant again and give everything my best- family, work, school, and church.

It is definitely very possible for you to get in the same place, as long as you are willing to work on yourself and be humble enough to accept help. And there are plenty of people out there willing to be helpful. :)

Facing everything all at once can be very daunting- that is why it is so important to take it slow. The "check lists" helped me a lot when I was in my panicy states, because they helped me organize and prioritize my goals so that I was facing one thing at a time instead of everything at once. When it all seems like too much, just take it down to the basics and remember the most important things. As long as you and your daughter are safe and cared for, everything will be okay.