My husband is leaving the church

[SorryState]

I've been married over 20 years and have two wonderful kids. After all this time my husband (in the throes of a midlife crisis) tells me he doesn't believe the church is true and wants to leave. Not only that, but he believes the church is evil and manipulative and wants to tell my teenage children all this so they will lose faith and leave the church with him. Apparently he's afraid of leaving alone.

What do I do? If he wants to leave the church, that's his decision, but my children are at a vulnerable age and he could ruin their lives forever. I feel that I have to protect my kids from their own father and I never wanted to be in that situation.

Help?

[livy111us]

You should contact FAIR. They are an organization that is dedicated to answering critical questions and see this problem quite a bit. LDS FAIR Apologetics Homepage You can contact them here: Contacting FAIR

[Just_A_Guy]

My boss is currently in the same situation--he lost his faith; wife still has hers, and there are difficulties about what to do with the kids. Some thoughts:

1) Do not merely blow this off as a midlife crisis, and don't let him think that's what you're doing. You don't have to agree with him; but you should acknowledge his beliefs as sincerely held.

2) In a perfect world, he'd honor his implicit commitment to you that his children will grow up LDS. But realistically, that isn't going to happen. He feels its his duty to warn his family against evil wherever he finds it--that's what he's done for twenty years, and your trying to muzzle him now will only a) cause him to resent you and b) make the kids wonder why you think they can't handle the "truth". (And he'll tell the kids what he thinks anyways.) As Livy111us says, FAIR, Jeff Lindsay's website, and (to a lesser extent, FARMS--but be careful here; some of FARMS' stuff is really awful) are your friends. Make sure your kids have ready access to the best in apologetic literature.

3) Sit down with your husband and figure out what standards of behavior you can agree on for your children. Then let your children know that while Dad doesn't agree with the Church, he still backs you up in expecting that your kids aren't going to go out and get drunk, sleep around, etc. Dad's loss of faith is not an excuse for the kids' becoming complete libertines.

4) With respect to your husband, you are now the Ward Mission Leader. Long term objective is to bring him back; but your short term objective is to control the damage. Coordinate with your ward leadership and members--let them know what things will or won't help him, so that you don't have well-intentioned ward members inadvertently offending him and driving him further away than ever. Avoid overbearance and manipulative games--the "I know you know it's true" line, and its variants, being among the most infamous.

5) Pray, pray, pray--for him and for you. Keep your own testimony strong; because he'll be constantly challenging it.

[applepansy]

SorryState,

I understand your worry for your husband and your children. When we are in the middle of crisis its hard to see through to a positive end. But, Heavenly Father is mindful of your husband, your children and you. He knows the heartache and worry your husband's decisions are causing.

I agree that you shouldn't brush this off as mid-life crisis. Love your husband. I hope he is still the man you love. Try to be calm about this when you talk to him. Express your concerns for him and your children with love. Let him know that this isn't going to change how you feel about him. I hope he will talk about what has caused this crisis of faith for him. People usually don't just wake up one day and don't believe any more. It is something that has been going on for awhile and he is just now starting to do something about it.

I agree with JAG about being the Ward Mission Leader for your husband. You must step between the well-intentioned members and friends and your husband. He needs fellowship without condemnation.

How old are your children? "Married for 20 years" makes me think at least teenagers. This is a critical time for teens but it can be a blessing also. Often kids ride along on their parents testimonies and when they become adults they question everything they have been taught all their lives. Sometimes this happens before they reach age 18. Having a parent radically change their beliefs will put your children in a position where they have to decide what they themselves believe. Be honest with your children. Kids are smart and observant. They often know what is going on even if we try to hide it from them. Some of the strongest young adult testimonies I've ever heard have come from children who had one or both parents decide they didn't believe in the church any more. Don't give up hope.

Are his parents still alive? Were/Are they LDS?

I'm sure you're heartbroken over this. It certainly would rock my world. Stay strong. Lovingly bear your testimony, but don't over do it. Live what you believe. As hard as it will be you can't stop your husband from telling your children how he believes. You can't stop him from expressing his fears for them. And you wouldn't want him to stop you if the situation were reversed.

Stay strong in your testimony. Pray. Fast. Put all your names on the temple prayer roll and keep them there (the temple will take the names over the phone). Ask for your Bishop's help and counsel.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Backroads]

I guess it all comes down to on how you believe kids should earn their own testimonies. In a world of fairness where emotions were controlled, I imagine the best way is to lay down all the facts and let the kids sort through them and reach their own conclusions. But with your belief and your husband's opposition to this belief, I doubt that will happen. He wants the kids out of the church, I assume you want the kids in.

He might be going through a time of extra passion about this, but is it possible to sit down with him and maybe reach some semblance of the above?

[HiJolly]

I recommend Stay LDS / Mormon and StayLDS.com Index page for those who have already decided that the Church is false. If one is simply undecided, then I'm in favor of FAIR, FARMS, LDSFORTRESS and the like.

HiJolly

[outcast]

I know of a man in my church that is a fence walker. What is pushing him back into the church is the GOOD QUALITIES that his kids display.

Jesus said this: Wisdom shall be known of her children.

Let you kids know you EXPECT them to be the Christians they are and you expect them to go to church with you. Kids don't need to make decisions they need to be held by the hand and taken in the right direction. They can make decisions when they leave the home. In the mean time STAND UP for your self!

YOU ARE A MORMON! Be a mormon and stop telling your self you are the only one in this world with a problem.

Jesus expects you to be what he has taught you to be. Use the scriptures as your guide. This is what you trained so hard for. This is the trial you are now in. How strong you are will reflect how much of a Christian you have become.

How much oil is in your lamp girl? Because it's time to stand in Holy Places!

Use the Temple. Use Prayer. Every night with out fail. Be humble and trust the BIGGER plan here.

Do this and time will be on your side.

Remember, nature is never in a hurry and every thing seems to work out.

Edited May 20, 2011 by outcast