Private Adoption

[confuzzled]

Has any one gone through a private adoption??? If so are you willing to share any advice? Please feel free to message me if you don't wish to discuss in the forums. I just really need some good sound advice. Thanks!!!

[pam]

I've gone through a private adoption. One thing I found worked for us, is to come to an agreement from the very start. When contact ends was the big thing for me. Our agreement was that contact ended at the hospital once the baby was born. The last time I spoke to the birth mother was when she was admitted to the hospital in labor. Then it was up to our attorney for any contact after that.

[Bini]

I was a child that went through a private adoption but probably not like the kind you're thinking. This was over 25 years ago when things were done very differently, especially, outside of the United States.

But. I have watched a couple shows on parents going through private adoptions (locally, within the United States). You definitely want to have a solid contract and know what to expect once the baby is born. I know that some of those adoptions weren't really "in-stone" until 72 hours AFTER the baby was born. That meant that the birth mother, even though she guaranteed that the new parents could have baby, she still had 72 hours to make up her mind whether she wants to keep her child or not. Most of the time, the adoption goes through but I have seen birth mothers change their mind within that 72 hour period. So you'll definitely want to look into that.

[Jenamarie]

I was a child that went through a private adoption but probably not like the kind you're thinking. This was over 25 years ago when things were done very differently, especially, outside of the United States.

But. I have watched a couple shows on parents going through private adoptions (locally, within the United States). You definitely want to have a solid contract and know what to expect once the baby is born. I know that some of those adoptions weren't really "in-stone" until 72 hours AFTER the baby was born. That meant that the birth mother, even though she guaranteed that the new parents could have baby, she still had 72 hours to make up her mind whether she wants to keep her child or not. Most of the time, the adoption goes through but I have seen birth mothers change their mind within that 72 hour period. So you'll definitely want to look into that.

It varies by state, how long the birthparents have to change their minds (some allow as long as six months!). There are also laws that vary by state as to what the birthfather's rights are, and what lengths the birthmother is required to go to to find him and alert him to the adoption if he's MIA. If she doesn't follow those laws to the letter, he can appear out of the blue and legally challenge the adoption, even if it's already "final".

Deffinitely educate yourself on your states laws and any state where you may be adopting a baby from, whether it's private or through an agency.

[confuzzled]

I have done my research...its just helpful to hear from others who have gone before so to speak. I guess I'm looking for ..... if they they had it to do again they would do..... or I wish we did this instead of that. Is private better then going through an agency and so forth.

[pam]

We may have waited for years to adopt through an agency. We were just lucky that the niece of my best friend at the time was pregnant and didn't want to keep the baby.

[LDSJewess]

I am an adopted child from an open adoption, and have worked as a long time volunteer with the ALMA "Adoptees Liberation Movement Association." I also have a number of close friends and two close relatives that adopted children through open adoption.

There are many children that need loving parents to care for them when their birth parents are unable or unwilling to do so. But keep in mind ALWAYS that children are human beings and not pets. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but all too often people adopt to "complete" their family, or to "fulfill their need" to be parents.

The children that they adopt will likely have a deep longing to know their roots (about 90 percent do). They will ask questions and likely eventually will want to know their birth mother, birth siblings and other birth family members. Many will eventually send out two mothers day cards (one for adopted mom and one for birth mom). The adopted child when he or she has their own children who will become the grandchildren of both the adopted and birth parents.

What I am saying is to go into becoming an adoptive parent with love but not with the sense that you are the ONLY parent. Be prepared to possible share your childs love as they become adults with their birth parent, even if you do not agree with the birth parents reason for giving up their child in the first place, or even when you don't agree with their lifestyle. You never never own a child.

Another pirece of advice is that an adoptive parent should never make their adopted child "feel" adopted or be introduced an an adopted child. Nor should other friends relatives or anyone in your family or social network refer to them as such.

There is an advantage of an open aoption in that I know some that actually correspond and share photos with the intent of encouraging the child to consider their birth family an "extended" family member when they are grown. This can happen if both the birth and adoptive parents are very much doing what is best for the child and have their feelsings first always.

In a closed or sealed adoption from an agency, there is still information available to the grown child. And if the child has to hear negatives about the birth family or if they have to seach on their own to find their birth heritage it could wind up in feelings of resentment.

With adoption you take in a child as your own but you never own them. The ideal is to offer love and memories that will last a lifetime so you are not threatened by a future birth parent-child relationship.

I wish you all the best.

[confuzzled]

Thanks so much for your comments LDSJewess. I really do appreciate them.

I feel that we are diving head first into the unknown as far as the private adoption goes. There is limited info. out there and one can't always believe everything you read.

1. We have been contacted by a birth couple. 2. We have been in contact w/ an attorney and 3. we are in the process of getting ready for a home study.