Dealing with spouse's ex-roommate (on my soapbox)

[Blocky]

One of the first things you said in the original post is that you two are hitting the learning curve on a few things. I think that's a good way to look at it.

You can only control how you act in this situation, so I would focus on that. The 5 love languages may be a helpful book. When ever things get a little tense in your conversations try to lighten the mood with some humor. When I get to the point where I"m really upset, there will never be a productive conversation.

Even though you mostly wanted to vent I'll give you one more piece of advice. Ask your wife to please refrain from talking about your marriage issues with her friend. I tell my husband that he can talk to his sister if he's ever upset and wants to vent. Other than her, no one needs to know our business, especially someone we both know.

[MorningStar]

It is true there could be wildly varrying ideas of vanilla, but trust me the only other thing besides lingerie was to basically to try participating rather than lying there. No oral sex or anything really of that nature. So I feel like yes she could be very senstive in that department and yes I understand there is "breaking in" that needs to occur. And there may be very well something I said off the cuff or some such thing that she feels was out of line. I fully admit I am a human male and have an imperfect understanding of women and that I probably did something that at the least set in motion a series of unfortunate events and at the most was very offensive even if I didn't realize it. I am well aware that her feelings have been hurt and that it will take time to fix. I am willing to work on fixing or changing or apologizing or whatever it takes but I can't do that when the main course of action so far is to distance herself emotionally from me and be unwilling to discuss specifically whatever it is that was/is the problem

I'm not trying to make out like I'm without blame or that I've been totally perfect but I shouldn't have to be either. I'm doing my best and I am trying to fix the problem I helped create and it seems like I am no closer after a month than I was to begin with no matter what I do, and it seems like she isn't willing to do very much to help me fix it or extend the smallest amount of forgiveness. So I do start questioning the long term big picture a bit.

I appreciate the helpful advise, I will try to see if she will talk more specifically about problems with sexual intimacy etc to see if that helps. Also we do have "And they were not ashamed" we started reading it before things went bad, which lead to me asking her to try and do more than just lay there becuase she probably wasn't getting much stimulation in the right areas. But maybe things are just too uncomfortable for her at the moment(well as of several weeks ago) to really be able find it very enjoyable no matter what.

So I'm not sure there is much more that can be said today, one of the main reasons I have posted about this on the forum is to try and get some perspective and feedback without dragging relatives, friends, etc too much into it (they know there is a problem and a select few I trust the most to give me some straight answers I have consulted on the sexual intimacy and in general about whether I am totally off the wall on the roommate issue etc ) because I don't want them to have a tainted view of my wife afterwards. I hope the issue can be resolved and she can be happy. If there is a bigger issue (abuse or whatever) hopefully that will come out in counseling. I hope to have something positive to report in the future but right now I am just trying to hang in there.

OK, first of all, if you haven't already, please don't use the "vanilla" comparison with your wife or "breaking in". I don't think those will go over well. Whatever the reason is for her behavior, she needs lots of patience.

[MarginOfError]

Once again I will step in the fray and probably step into it, but here goes.

Reading your posts, all I hear is "I do everything men are supposed to do for their wives...I'm so wonderful...I'm a great, caring, sensitive husband...something is wrong with my wife."

I don't buy it. I was with you until the trust issues. If she says she doesn't feel like she can trust you, she's got a reason. And if she's afraid to share that reason with you, it means that there's something wrong with you (at least in her perspective). My guess is she's afraid of what your reaction will be if she does tell you. I recommend some soul searching and sincere effort to identify your own flaws and work on those instead on only pointing the finger at her.

Very uncalled for, I have spent many restless and sleepless nights overanalyzing anything that I've done, been doing, said etc. to try and determine if I have done something terrible. I have asked her repeatedly to tell me what she is upset about and that we can work through it. Before we got engaged I shared some situations from my past that she should be aware of and that being open and honest about problems was important to allowing the relationship to function. I have made every honest effort in every way I can think of to resolve the problem and done my utmost to remain calm and respectful while trying to work things out. Have I gotten a little heated and raised my voice and said some hard things (along the lines of What am I supposed to do? I suggest ___ is the problem and __ is the solution, you say no, so I suggest ____ and you say you are just upset about everything, so I ask you what you want to do to fix _____ and I get: I don't know. So how are we going to fix things? or Why would I want to go spend our vacation with your roommate when I am basically going to get ignored by you most of the time?), yes a couple of times, but have I ever threatened her, verbally abused her(told her she was worthless or that if she loved me she would do X) No. Have at times said: I'm struggling with feeling left out of your life because you have such a close relationship with your old roommate. and I'd like us to have that sort of relationship but that is tough to acheive when I feel like you never want to share things with me but you will with her.

Fact: I want to see her happy and her concerns addressed so we can have enjoyable relationship.

Case in point!

[trubludru]

Well I hate to resurrect this thread but sadly it has an unhappy ending. I appreciate the the advice and concern expressed here. But sadly my marriage seems to ending in divorce. It has been a bitter and painful pill to swallow and it isn't what I want. The past few months have been a nightmare as I have watched my marriage crumble despite my best efforts and prayers.

My wife moved out near the end of August and has since refused to even talk to me on the phone. The last time I saw her was at the beginning of September at one last counseling session where she spent most of her energy attacking me and saying things too horrible for a spouse to say to one another. It seemed apparent that she has no desire to fix our marriage and perceives me as a terrible person for reasons I am still very unclear on, only she seemed to be feeling a lot of intense fear and anger and I honestly don't know of anything I have done that could have generated such extreme feelings.

I know my wife can be such a kind and caring person and to have her treat me the way she has and say the things she has been devastating, I never once saw her act anything like this before the inital fight and her behavior has only become more hurtful and irrational as time has passed. I think at worst she was sexually abused by her father and having a starting a sexual relationship brought back a lot past trauma and negative feelings, or at best (if there is such a thing) she has very unhealthy views about marriage and sexuality learned from her mother's very disfunctional relationship. As some suggested I do think she is "in love" with her old roommate though I don't think there is a sexual component there, but she does feel very comfortable and safe there and there is no sexual component to bring up negative feelings.

It seems it was easier for her to make me the bad guy (to explain why she feels so horrible) and run back to her roommate than admit there could be something else whatever it is that has her feeling so messed up. I tried talking to her about possible sexual abuse, and the counselor tried talking to her but she avoided the subject and became increasingly hostile towards me and more non-communicative. I feel incredibly sorry for her because I feel like she is such a great person (normally) but she has let some sort of unresolved problem whatever it is (I still don't know if she was abused or not) take control of her feelings and destroy our marriage. I don't think she will ever be in a romantic relationship with a man again and will probably spend most of her life living with her roommate. I hope she can find some sort of real happiness in the future but I see this easily becoming the defining event in her life.

I know many have gone through divorce and it isn't the end of the world, but I am just crushed right now. I have done everything I can think of (or as time went on this board, the counselor and my family and her family could think of) to show and tell her that I do love her and that I want her and our marriage to be happy. But the relationship has only got worse and worse. After a lot of thought and prayer and a visit to the temple I reached the decision that divorce was the best choice left to me. I have tried calling her to discuss it but I am lucky if she responds with an angry text message a couple of days later that blames me for being the cause of all the problems in her life. She signed the papers without any kind of protest when they were served to her so I can only conclude that this is what she wants. The divorce papers will be submitted to the court today and it is tough to accept that this is where our temple marriage - just a few months old and once filled with so much potential and joy will now end. It is tough not to second guess and wonder what could have been done differently, I hope I can put the this behind me and be able to find peace and happiness.

[Jennarator]

Sorry to hear this. Divorce is sad and difficult. Keep seeing the counsler. It can help a great deal. We are all here for support. GOod luck.