JaneDoe Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 How do I keep my "cool" when I see my pornography addicted husband look at another woman's butt or breasts in front of me??!! He's already told me he has a problem with looking at other women in public. Now there are plenty of times he has had triumphs and has looked away, and I'm so proud of him for doing so. But the times he does look hurts. I understand as much as I can about the addicted brain and what it goes through, but it still hurts to see it happen right in front of me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 First, let him know you see it and how you feel. Second, be patient. It takes a while to reprogram the brain to do otherwise. I've been at this for years and my mind still wanders. unfortunately, I have 35+ years of programming to get out. I suspect it may be the same with your husband. This is his battle. All you can do is tell him what you see, how you feel and discuss and guide him as to where the boundaries need to be placed. Let him come to the conclusions, don't lay down the law. If he knows he has a problem, and if he is truly working at it, it won't take much for you to help him understand his behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 It's how he's looking that makes the difference. A quick appreciation of beauty is okay, but lingering, ogling, that sort of thing is not. Also, women who dress immodestly are making it harder on him. Perhaps he needs something to distract him, like your arms encircling him, your sweet loving voice saying his name, a gentle kiss followed by a smile. You direct his sexual desire back onto you. You want him to want you, so do things that make him think of you in that way instead. Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind so that you can better receive guidance from the Holy Ghost. That has always helped me during emotionally turbulent trials. If you have a hard time being sexually adventurous (this is common) nab the book, "And They Were Not Ashamed." It's the closest guide the Church has on how to have a sexually fulfilling marriage. I also wished that I had read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" before my husband and I separated (we're back together now, I learned the hard way though). I dunno if that'll help you or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sushilsilicon Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 · Hidden Hidden Change is the law of Nature...................Every people know the life is not a bed of roses......still knowing that the people making some bad kinds of habits.....being A "COOL" is a good quality of a Person.....So be Cool and Free from BiasnessLocal Dating USA | Singles Dating Service Link to comment
Guest sushilsilicon Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 · Hidden Hidden Cool buddy & Free Mind Nature make a person some sort of good and long life living. So,provide your delightful experience in a very convenient and relaxing way being as a cool buddy.Local Dating USA | Singles Dating Service Link to comment
Guest sunflower2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 My husband does the same thing, but less frequently than he used to. I don't have advice, but my husband totally denies it. I think he has no idea how obvious it is. ........and yes, it makes me feel terrible. I don't know how to get over that part, but I'm interested in what others have to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 That's a toughie.We all have eyes and yes, appreciating beauty is one thing, and lusting over it or for it, is another. My exhusband would do this all the time. He also had a history with pornography and other addictions. I like the advice about redirecting the situation from something that is a potentially negative behaviour, to something positive, alike reaching for your husband and telling him how much you love him. Bottomline is, when there's a change of heart, there's a change of will and eventually a change in action and behaviour. It's hard to tell when someone is sincerely and genuinely working towards overcoming and conquering an addiction, and when someone isn't. I stuck with my ex for almost six years through his addictions and wandering eye (which lead to multiple affairs). I eventually had enough and moved on. Remarried now for about three years and couldn't be happier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaneDoe Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 · Hidden Hidden Gosh, I've been reading books trying to understand this behavior and I do, but it hurts deeply. Yesterday I discovered him looking at pictures of my cousin who models underwear. Our computer is out in the living room and I left my facebook page open. He knows she models and clicked on her photo album of this while I was in the same room. Seriously? I'm right here, bub. He had a relapse the other day and wasn't out of his hole just yet he said. So I guess that makes it ok??!? I'm getting frustrated. I haven't seen the change of heart since the day I said I would leave if he didn't do everything in his power to overcome this. He was determined then, but now 7 months later we're back to weekly relapses. If things aren't improving in 5 months (that will be a year since the fhit hit the san) then I'm out. Link to comment
ChooseTheSun Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 At Relief Society today a presented talked about the Church's Sexual Addiction support group for wives/those affected by someone's sexual addiction. Perhaps there is an LDS support group you can attend? The message the presenter kept returning to is how another's addiction (sexual, drug...) is not something you can control. Your efforts might instead focus on you, into codepdenency, and other changes we can make in ourselves rather than policing another and/or making ultimatums. My heart goes out to you and your family -- tough times for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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